When to say I Love you?

[fxd]

I have been dating a wonderful man for the past 8 months and have fallen completely & hopelessly in love with him We have a wonderful relationship & things are going great. I am afraid to tell him that I love him. If the old saying "Actions speak louder than words" is true, then I am pretty sure that he feels the same way about me. We were both in long marriages (15+ years) and both hurt badly by our former spouses. I want to tell him but am afraid that if he's not ready for it, it will ruin what we have & things will never be the same between us. I don't want to lose him. Do I wait and let him say it 1st or do I take the bull by the horns and just go for it? Help!

[Bunney]

Naww I'd just wait for him to say it first. Might be stupid but I think its more romantic when they guy says it first! haha it's up to you though. Also I very much doubt you'd lose him if you told him you loved him. I think when the moment is right it'll just come naturally (either by you or him)

[hazelnut321]

Wow there seems to be a few of us ladies is the same situation. With men who are great guys, but damaged from their long term marriages. Read my story"Everything was wonderful- Now it's over."- We broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a wonderful time for just over a year. The reason is because he just couldn't say it- even though everything he did, showed me. We had an incredible run. I miss him like crazy. My advice to you is don't bring it up-- if everything is going great- don't worry about it.

[mouseno4]

Dont judge your experiences according to others'. Listen to everyone's advice yes, but make up your own mind. If you want to say the 3 words first, then do it. If he cant say it, dont expect that because someone elses relationship ended because of it - does not mean yours will.

[abitbroken]

When did you start dating in comparison to your divorces? If you hurled right into this relationship during one of the divorces, I would say it needs more time. But if you feel that enough time passed before meeting, etc, then you don't have to consider past hurts as much. If you really want to say it but are not sure, I would set the stage for it. I would tell him that you Love this particular thing about him, or that you feel so in love, etc. It may "prep" him a bit, or he may decide to say it first. But don't overdue it. For some guys, saying I Love You is something they feel and say, but for others, the first time they say it involves a decision. Some men say it freely and others don't say it until they have made the decision that they are ready for the next step. That is why some guys answer back with "i am not ready" or "i am working on this issue" In full disclosure, I went through a hurtful divorce too. My boyfriend has never been married. We said it about a year and a month into the relationship = and when it was said we were both to the point that we couldn't possibly wait another minute to say it. i sort of got the ball rolling but he just didn't know when was the right time, so was hesitating himself.

 

I don't think you would lose your boyfriend if you said it and he wasn't ready. The only thing that would be a problem is if he wasn't ready to say it back and he didn't say it back and you started pressuring him or feeling really insecure wondering what you did wrong, if you weren't good enough, etc.. If you can just let him go on his own timeline and relax, you will be rewarded in the end.

 

I do vote for either letting him say it first, or just taking a deep breath and eventually dropping a little ice breaker and then give him time - minutes, hours, days, weeks, to bite., or pay attention to how receptive he is. I would normally say just do it, but if you both have been severely hurt and are not 18 years old anymore, it might be something that is "loaded". Do what you feel, but don't be nervous. Feeling him out isn't seeking approval, its to make sure you are not a nervous wreck

[abitbroken]

Wow there seems to be a few of us ladies is the same situation. With men who are great guys, but damaged from their long term marriages. Read my story"Everything was wonderful- Now it's over."- We broke up 3 weeks ago. We had a wonderful time for just over a year. The reason is because he just couldn't say it- even though everything he did, showed me. We had an incredible run. I miss him like crazy. My advice to you is don't bring it up-- if everything is going great- don't worry about it.

 

I disagree and agree. Don't bring it up like its "we have to talk about why we haven't said it" or anythng like that. But if you really love him and are bursting to say it, just do a little homework before you do. You will know when the time is really right. But don't have "the talk"

 

Question to hazelnut:

 

1) You never said it. He never said it. But in his heart it bothered him that he couldn't say it, so he ended it as he didn't feel really ready for a relationship.

2) You never said it. You were impatient with him saying it and pestered him. So you didn't want to wait and you ended it.

3) You said it. He told you he wasn't ready. You took it as rejection. You ended it.

 

I guess I am grappling at why you would break up just because he wasn't ready YET if everything was good.

[fxd]

When did you start dating in comparison to your divorces?

4 years for me - a little more than 2 for him...

[iBroken]

Tell him when you feel it....that appears to be now.

[hazelnut321]

#3 is the closest- but not exactly. I said it a couple of times in bed about 3 months into the relationship. He told me that he wasn't the type to say it,unless he knew that he wanted a future with me (he said marriage). I have never had an instant attraction like I had with him- and I fell pretty hard, pretty fast. So when he still hadn't said it, over a year into the relationship, I wrote him a letter, which I posted. That's when it ended.