Meeting Ex soon .. Need Help..Confused where she stands

[lonewarrior9]

short story - Brokeup after 1 and half year, long distance relationship. She ended it. I still love her and want to fix things only if she feels the same way (I am confused and dont know what she feels). Meeting her this month end. Not sure what to talk about when we meet. If all you have to say is it wont work out and that I should just move on then please understand that this is not the advice I am looking for. This forum is about Getting back together. I know there is a high possibility that I will fail and end up more miserable than I already am but I want to know for sure. I dont want to regret for the rest of my life that what if I had just tried harder to fight for what mattered to me.

 

Reason I so confused ?

I had been in a long distance relationship since a year and half before my gf broke up with me in april. we had been doing pretty well till this year jan after which things just started going downhill. I spent the first month after the breakup being depressed wishing that she would come back, wishing that things would get better in a week or two and waiting for her call etc. She didnt call though and I went into NC for a month but ended up calling her for her bday and kept it real short. I guess after that she felt I was doing better and She chatted with me online a couple of times and she did call a couple of times too (I havent called her even once till now after her birthday). Not once during these conversations have I raised the topic of us and the breakup (I did nag about it right after the breakup though for a week after which I went into NC).

 

I kindof had accepted that she just didnt want to be with me and I was happy for her thinking she probably just liked someone else. I even posted in ENA to find out if I could be happy with just being friends. I spent the time after the breakup trying to figure out what went wrong and ended up realizing that it was mostly my fault. I ended up being stuck up with work and somehow depressed that I started feeling insecure and jealous when she didnt spend time on the phone with me. I used to get angry for small things that didnt bother me so much before. I used to be a really happy guy but I let my work get to me and I ended up taking out the frustration on her. I never abused her but I did have silly arguments with her and I guess I was too stubborn to accept my mistakes. This was my first relationship ever in my life and I learnt so many things in the two months after it ended that I wish I had known earlier.

 

I still genuinely love her a lot. (I am not saying it just because I am feeling lonely, I have a big group of friends and in the past 2 months have had two of my friends tell me that they like me and want to go out with me) I have tried to keep myself happy whenever I talk to my ex. We spoke a week back and for the first time after the breakup she told me that she was frustrated with the petty fights and she just wanted all the fighting and arguments to stop and she thought both of us needed some time apart. I told her that i was probably insecure and jealous because of which we probably fought for which she said that it was the long distance that made things worse and it was kindof her fault too to make me feel that way. she asked me if we could ever be friends for which i said it wouldnt be fair for the persons we end up with. She replied by saying she would worry about that when she had a boyfriend unless I wanted to stop talking to her. She caught me offguard by asking me if I thought we were done and if it was over. I didnt know what to say and ended up saying tat this was actually something she had to decide and that she already knew what I felt about her. She told me she is still confused and still doesnt know what she really wants but she just wanted us to stop fighting and so took this decision. we havent talked after that. Frankly i agree completely with her on the fights.. the breakup has helped me realize my mistakes however I am unable to understand what she genuinely feels about me. I kindof kept wondering if she asked me if I thought it was over so that she could not feel guilty to move one or if she genuinely still cared.

 

I know she views me as a nice guy but she probably is now confused that I might not be compatible with her. The long distance has made it extremely hard for us and I couldnt show her how much I enjoy the things she likes. I had mentioned to her on chat that I would be visiting her city this month end on work and it would be a one day trip. She suggested I could stay for longer since I have friends there and maybe we could meet if I wanted to. I have finally booked my ticket and will be there for the weekend. I am scared as to what I will talk about. I dont want to pretend to be someone I am not. The problem is she already has negative feelings about me and about the fact that i was clingy, depressed and insecure. What do I do when I meet her? I definitely was depressed at a point but I am getting closer to the way I was before - happy and caring. I wont bring up our topic unless she does but I am unsure of what to say if she talks about it. I fear that I will just break down in tears when i see her. How do I find out what she thinks about us without sounding too pushy? How do i let her know that I still want to work out things without sounding desperate? I dont expect much from the meeting. I dont expect us to get back together. All I expect is a little bit of clarity but I dont know how to get it. I have made up my mind that I would genuinely be the person I really am and act the way I am normally. She knows me well enough to know if I am faking. I thought I would ask her to meet for an ice cream on saturday, talk for around an hr and then leave. Though I want to meet her again I am not sure if I should ask her to meet again on sunday before I leave for home. I am not doing anything special (not taking any gifts , flowers etc for this occasion) however I made a funny card for her birthday (nothin romantic or emotional just personalized wishing her all the best in life) which I didnt send to her as my friends advised me not to. I was thinking of giving it to her now and sharing a laugh about it with her but wasnt sure about it. My friends think its fine now since she knows that i am not depressed and am not giving it to win her back. M kindof afraid that I might end up doing something that will destroy whatever chances there might be of things getting better

[TwelveThirty]

Sorry to interrupt you, but I want to advocate exactly just that point you're mentioning in your very first paragraph:

what if I had just tried harder to fight for what mattered to me

 

Really? Is it truly what you want?

 

Well let me explain you my point of view... what you really want to do it to start going after and fighting for your own life. Bottom line. This is all the universe of what matters the most to you. Your life. Your love for your body and the way that you bring it to life. Now stop believing in others bringing a bit of hope into your days because in the end, they will all disillusion you that there is nothing and nobody else than yourself who is responsible for your happiness. If on the contrary, you keep on going after this nice girl, it's way more probable that you will regret wasting your time and emotions and feeling guilty or sour after the end of this relationship and not moving on fast enough that it affects you and mortgage yet another seven years of your life.

 

I know people who live a break up and they never ever accept to live this rejection and they just put away all of their satisfaction into life because they never get over this burden they keep in their lot.

 

Please do yourself a favor and accept. You can cry, you can scream, you can write your pain, that's part of the relief, but move to the next phase before your whole life becomes a burden for more years to come. Please.

 

Now analysing my first impression on what was going to come, it's interesting to see that I do not exactly share the same point of view. However, I don't understand why you would refuse to go out with two of your friends, that you don't see the signal that she's still interested, but in the end, I also still agree with my first position. You are just recovering from your personnal issues (insecurity, depression, and I would also add long-distance relationship) so it's better off if you just don't mind and start over a new relationship. Take this experience you gained as your best memory and move on.

 

However, I like the fact that you're going to see her as it's really surprising to see you coming from an insecure and depressed position, but to be brought to her by something that looks like sheer confidence. So when you ask what should you do when you see her again, is to act as if you were all comfortable with your decision. Deep inside, I know you're better taking a step back and to keep working on this for yourself in the first place, but while you're at it right now (this week-end), just don't mess with this opportunity to act as if you were someone else, just to see if that grown up person would see himself better with her. If not, it only double confirms my recommendation, and if it does, then... you still have some progress to do on your own, and as life goes at a very quick pace, it's most unlikely that you will get the same chance again. Nevertheless, nobody knows, it's always a possibility.

[lonewarrior9]

I completely agree with you on what you mentioned about me being the only person who can control and choose where my happiness lies. I could either choose to accept this as an experience to learn from and move on or otherwise I can choose to sit and feel sad about it and make my life miserable. The truth is, after the break up I felt that she despised me so much that she probably didnt want to even talk to me. I felt that I could not be in a relationship with someone who didnt want to be with me in the first place and there was no point in trying to force someone to reconsider. I decided that the best thing would be to understand the mistakes I had made and work on them, not to get her back but to make me a better person. I spent a month not contacting her and getting back to the way I used to be (not depressed and not jealous and not angry) though I did have and still do have the occasional bad days. I accepted that it was over and I cried. In fact I cried a lot but I did accept it that I would not probably see her again. It was only after she talked to me about why she had taken the decision to break up, did I start having second thoughts about what happened. I started feeling that maybe we do have a second chance and maybe it's up to me to work to fix things to make them better. If she had told me that there is no way this would ever work, I would just forget it and move on. At the same time she didnt say anything like we should get back together and I am too scared to ask and make her think I am back to being that clingy, possessive guy. I am kindof dredding this weekend. I am still unsure of what to do. I am pretty sure she will bring this up and I dont know what to say if she asks me if I think it's over between us. I was the one who got dumped so I dont know how to answer this one. At this point I guess the only thing I can really think of is to have a good time and be myself as much as possible. I know this is going to be hard cause all this will always be there at the back of my mind. I can do nothin but hope for the best.

[TwelveThirty]

I understand your hopes. There's a good load of reasons why you are hoping and hanging there. There's a lot of tension that has been created when you were living bad times with her, that resulted in being true when she decided to end the relation, and that is now left untouched, and that only wishes to reappear, however ever stronger.

 

I think that you should be very clear with yourself that you do not need this pressure and escalade again to risk another downfall. It's good if you can win a friend, but what's a friend if she can still hurt you when seeing her?

Please, allow yourself some more time. It doesn't matter if you see her again or not anytime soon, but I would strongly put a hold to any closure with her.

 

My best tip: get to know other women as friends first before committing to a new relationship that risk to make you cling to her for being your last resort to have a female friend.