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I am with a man that I love very dearly for the last year and a half.


In the beginning of our relationship I discovered that he had carried on several flirty exchanges with women he was dating previous to us becoming exclusive during our relationship. He insists that nothing ever came of it, that it was innocent, and that I'm being jealous.


He went for lunch with his ex and did not tell me about it. Upon being discovered again he apologized. I would have had no problem with this if I knew it was happening. When we started dating he kept the existence of this ex from me. Later he explained that he was scared that I would perceive the two relationships as two close together.


Everything seemed to have been resolved until three days ago. I received an email from someone saying that they have had a relationship, went on dates, made out etc. The messages were, at best, cryptic. I sent them to my boyfriend immediately. He suggested I ask her for proof to which she sent me a screen shot of a private message exchanged on a forum that he frequents (not this one.) The message was from him to someone it read:


Re: Inappropriate commment...

Aww, thanx. (blush) Probably because my previous avatars haven't actually been of me. you're pretty easy on the eyes yourself!


So, where do your ongoing efforts to rediscover yourself take place?


(Date stamp reads 4 months into our relationship)


He remembers that this was his reply to a girl on the forum writing him a private message that this might be inappropriate since he has a girlfriend but that she thinks that he is hot.


He swore up and down that they never went on any dates. Turns out the girl lives in a completely different part of the country so I can see how half of her allegations are untrue. When I asked her for more information she stopped replying. I am incredibly upset. He continues to assure me nothing is going on and in order to smoke her out posts on the forum where he is what had occurred without any markers identifying her.


The post just says that as a couple we're trying to figure out who would do such a thing and explain the emails and the private message. The message was posted.


This one girl starts going crazy on the forum and saying how dare we accuse her. She goes after me and says I sent it and that I'm insecure and crazy. Her friends chime in telling my boyfriend to leave me. They tell me I'm a bad mother..it just goes nuts.


I am truly shattered. Four days ago everything was fine and now I feel like 1.) my boyfriend might have cheated 2.) the other girl got everything she wanted in ruining us and really hurting me.


My boyfriend still swears up and down nothing happened. The second running theory is that it is my ex that broke into my house and gained access to my computer.


There some weird facts that makes things more complicated: the responsible person 1.) knew that he and I were together 2.) know both of our usernames in the previous forum 3.) knew my email address 4.) had access to either my boyfriend's inbox or her outbox.


Really lost and do not know what to do. Any replies would be very much appreciated.

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I've gone through frustration, then confusion, then indifference myself while reading your post. It's not as easy as it may seem at first, indeed, however I think that the worst action to take in this case is inaction. Without being completely abusive or disrespectful, just go with whatever you think is best. For me, I think that admitting your trust in him has been shattered and that you do not wish to continue this relationship is the best answer you can give. Since you are not legally together, it's not worth investigating the matter any further than this, even if it's very tempting to try to determine and know what the truth is. I think that the most frustrating aspect of leaving is that you will not know the full truth. But on the other hand, do you really want to know and to get involved with what could be way more problems and confusion?

So better call it quit and leave gently before things get way too sour.


I feel very sorry for you. Please ask for support to recover faster once you're out of this.

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