Well the ex called today after 7 weeks NC, I think I flunked.....

[swann]

Well it happened. She called me this morning. After 7 weeks NC (except seeing her on FB) she called. I didn't answer as I was shocked more or less. She left a message saying she needed to speak to me about "such and such" which was legitimate on her part and needed me to call her back. I waited a while to let my emotions calm down and then called her back. Again, her questions were legit so that's why I called back.

 

Well she tells what she is needing to know and then also says she would like to get the rest of her clothes mailed to her. I was being nice but short and to the point and so was she. We didn't speak but for 5 minutes and her work phone rang and she said she had to get it and we hung up.

 

I thought "OK, that's wasn't so bad and I'll get her clothes mailed to her next week". I thought I did well.

 

Well, after about 30 minutes or so she calls back. I answer knowing it's her. She begins to tell me about a couple of other items she would like mailed back also. Again, I was being nice but to the point. After she tells me what she wants and I agree to get them to her a simple "well how ya been" comes out and it comes from me. Next thing I realize is we are talking about what's been going on with her, with me and the kids and everything else under the sun. She tells me how well she's doing, how happy she is, how work is time consuming but good, blah, blah, blah. And I do the same, everything is going well for me too is what I tell her.

 

We end up talking for over an hour. Where I think I screwed up is by talking for so long to her. I also told her that I do miss her and how strange it is to be speaking with her again. I was being way too nice to her. I was making it easy for her. She said she missed talking with me and we both said "don't be a stranger" for so long again. One good thing is I never said I love you and neither did she. We hung up with "well take care and have a good day" A type of conversation that you would have with a "friend" so to speak for the most part. Outside of a few references to a trip we took together and me being at her home this time last year and what all we did together.

 

I don't really know how I feel right now. Why I'm posting this is to get feedback. A told a friend of mine who knows our whole story together about it and he basically said two things. "Were you nice to her just to be nice with no other motives or were you being nice because you were thinking of the two of you back together?" "If you were being nice just to be nice, fine, nothing wrong with that and your a better man for it. But if you were being nice with the thought of this could be the start of you two getting back together, a spark so to speak, your a fool"

 

I guess the truth is somewhere in the middle. I really don't know myself. That's why I kinda feel like I flunked this test. I had a chance to show that I was done with her and didn't take advantage of it. She got her ego boost and a promise to get the rest of her stuff back.

 

Feedback please. Thanks!

[Theniceone]

As a first conversation after 7 days of NC there is nothing to say really. She contacted you to take care os some business. You are the one that decided to discuss other topics. You were nice to her, she was nice to you.

 

You were not NC long enough for it to mean anything really

[swann]

Oh, and I don't plan on calling her back anytime soon. And when I mail her stuff back, it will just be her stuff. No letter or card or anything else. Just an FYI for myself and anyone else interested.

 

Thanks again.

[swann]

Theniceone,

 

It was over 7 weeks of NC, not 7 days if that helps.

 

Thanks

[Theniceone]

lol oops did not see that. I do not see why you see it as a test of some sort. You were faced with a situation and you handled it the best you could.

 

Again people here use the term ego boost a lot. She called to take care of some business you went into personal territory. if she called just to chat..yes it would be an ego boost. You asked her about how she was doing and she responded. Your need to show that you are done with her just means that you are still at the anger stage. When you are over someone you do not have the desire to act in a certain way. You just are yourself.

[MissyMolly]

Goodness, NO, you didn't "flunk"! Try being less hard on yourself - sounds like you did GREAT! I am on week 3 of NC, and like you, would be in shock if my ex called me. Hoping by week 6 (that seems to be the magic number of weeks it takes for exes to reach out), I will have my head on like you do. Long, slow road it is.

[diamond78]

I think you did just fine Swann....Not every breakup has to be left with an 'omg, I'm never speaking with you ever again' feel.

 

You guys were both mature and handled each other with respect and politeness during the conversation. I don't think it's anything to worry or stress over.

 

It's not like you asked to meet up with her again or anything of that nature and she rejected you. So, I wouldn't sweat it. In fact, you probably left a more favorable/positive impression upon her rather than a negative one.

[swann]

Wow. You guys are are being too nice or maybe I am being too hard on myself. I guess I just thought I made it too easy for her. I don't know? Theniceone, you are right, I am not over her yet, just trying to get there is all. I don't think I'm in the 'angry with her' stage more like 'I still have feelings for you and I still miss you but I'm getting better every day' type of stage if that makes any sense?

 

And yes, I was "acting" to a big degree and I think that's what bothers me. Acting like I'm perfectly OK with her leaving me and me knowing how much I still miss her. I'm just glad I didn't show it much other than telling her once that I do indeed miss her. But hey, I'm human I guess. I'm weird with her for some reason. I assume it's because I truly loved her at one time. And I guess I always will to some degree just realizing every day that we weren't meant to be and finding peace with that. Letting go and really doing it. That's what I trying to do every day.

 

And I guess that NC for 7 weeks really helped me to getting closer to that every day. After this one call, I doubt she will call again anytime soon and that's really doing me a big favor. Thanks for the feedback. It truly helps.

[indesign]

*sharing* too much information in a convo with an ex could work against your favor. that's just my opinion.

[tresqua]

When you say you "screwed up" and "flunked", I have to wonder exactly what was the test?

 

She's obviously gone and not coming back so it's not about "winning her back from no contact" which is a method destined for failure anyway.

 

The only other way you could have messed up is if speaking to her somehow set you back in your healing and you don't sound all that bad and in fact you got a bit more of a confirmation that she's not interest in reconciling.

 

While I am on this thread, I've got a question for you. Why didn't you return all her stuff before, and why is it necessary for her to pick and choose specific individual items to be returned?

 

Pack it all up and ship it out or drop it off or have a third party make the exchange, I don't get why you waited this long.

[swann]

indesign - what do mean by sharing too much information with an ex could work against you? I truly believe she's never coming back so how am I hurting myself in this regard? Are you referring to me trying to getting her back type of scenario?

 

tresqua - I don't know what I mean by using those terms. They just came to me. I'm not trying to win her back from NC. I did that to get over her. Trust me, I very much realize she is gone and not coming back no matter what I do or don't do.

 

I guess it set me back a bit by speaking to her. Certainly made me think about her more so than I would have today. Brought back some memories I wouldn't have had today I don't think. And yes, it did make more of a confirmation that she has zero interest in reconciling. I'm really not even sure if she did say she missed me. I think she did but I know I told her I did. She made no point of having thoughts of wanting to see me or anything close to that.

 

Good question on returning her stuff. The reason I didn't do anything with it earlier was I was still convinced we were going to work out somehow. I just hadn't come to grips with her leaving me yet. Crazy I know but that was the case. She got a lot of her stuff back in February and couldn't get the rest for lack of room. She lives 1,200 miles away from me. All that is left is some clothes, some shoes, some odd-n-ends and strangely enough some table setting stuff that she bought when we lived together. She knew exactly which drawer it was in too. Heck I live there and didn't even know it was in there.

 

I moved all of her clothes to an unused closet and just left them there. I wasn't planning on paying to have them mailed to her. I thought if she wants them then she can ask me for them and offer to pay for the shipping. Course she asked for them today but never offered to pay for the shipping. I wish I had thought of that part today.

 

Thanks again for the feedback.

[indesign]

indesign - what do mean by sharing too much information with an ex could work against you? I truly believe she's never coming back so how am I hurting myself in this regard? Are you referring to me trying to getting her back type of scenario?

 

swann, I thought you wanted her back, I misunderstood. Yeah what I meant is that sometimes if we keep an air of mystery about us, it will make the other person wonder what we are up to, what's changed in our lives, if you are dating someone else, that sort of stuff..sounds like you did that pretty well though with the 7 weeks of NC, why are you saying that you flunked then? Sounds like you both hit it off and ended things on a good note.

[swann]

indesign - I see what you mean now. That makes sense. And to be honest and honest with myself, yes I do want her back and would take her back. Do I think it will happen? No. That's why I have been letting her go every day. I don't know? Just feel like I should have been "colder" to her for some reason. I mean we haven't spoken in over 7 weeks and the first time she calls I end up calling her back the same day and then being nice too boot? Granted she did have a few legitimate questions and without saying what I do for living I would have to call back whomever it was calling with those questions. And she must have been planning it somewhat because she wanted her questions answered and request her stuff back all with one call. And to get it all done and with such ease she must feel pretty good about herself today.

 

I wonder if she was dreading making the call? Doesn't matter of course. At least she's happy right? Got what she wanted. She generally does though.

 

Thanks

[indesign]

You and her both sound really good people and I think you are over thinking this one. Both times that I have met up with my 2 EXES I have felt extremely uncomfortable because the question was always on my mind..will we get back together, so It was really hard to let go. The fact that you talked for an hour just shows me you are both very down to earth and probably had a very good open communication..., and my last call to my ex lasted 5 minutes. You are just experiencing residual feelings now , post conversation, just be happy that you had a good convo and very very quickly move on. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Back in NC for you.

[hausser]

swann, my ex called me after 30 days plus NC. Not 7 weeks granted but what I'll say is chances are dude after 7 weeks of hearing nothing there is a v strong possibility she has a new man. Mine did, It explained almost everything, including the 30 day plus silence. I rang her back too, and spoke to her for an hour too.

 

She then text me several times, the last one of which she couldnt be bothered replying to when I sent her one back. That was the last straw for me.

 

What I am trying to say here is she probably did/does miss you, enough to call you anyway instead of writing her stuff off BUT after 7 weeks of silence, I dunno man most women are delguded with offers when their single, fact. I definatley wouldnt be trying to chase this up If I was you.

 

And yeah it does set you back, not like going back to day one over again but I have regressed slightly. It's coming back.

[swann]

hausser - Well I'm pretty sure she is seeing her old/new boyfriend again. I know at the very minimum she is hanging out with him so yeah, she's already moved on to him or back to him either way. And if not him, she has the looks and the charm to meet most any guy she wants to so I realize she isn't interested in me anymore. In fact, just today she changed her profile pic on FB to one where she is on his boat (I assume it's his boat). Funny thing is before she changed it, her pic was of her in my boat. Yeah, she's moved on.

 

And I don't think she called me because she missed me. She called because she wanted the rest of her stuff back. I just happen to be nice and we just ended up talking by chance. I don't think she was planning on that, it just happened.

 

And did I mention that she didn't even offer to pay for me to ship her stuff back to her? She makes a very good living and just bought another new car and didn't even hit at her paying for it. I wonder if you can ship stuff COD still? That would be funny. Probably won't do it but funny still. I mean, it's her stuff and she wants it right? That may be too petty on my part though.

 

And today is the 4 year mark of my wife's death so that is my priority today. Remembering her and the memories of her. She was a great wife and mother and a wonderful person. Had a heart of gold. She is missed. This ex couldn't hold a candle to her, I just didn't know that for a long time. And you know, in speaking with the ex yesterday I mentioned this fact about today being 4 years of my wife's passing so she knew full well and yet didn't care even enough to send a text or email or anything just recognizing this to me or to the kids. She can call and ask for her stuff sent back to her, not even offer to pay for it and then not even care about what today means to me?

 

I may be wrong but that is just another telling sign of who she really is. I know she is no longer any of my business and doesn't owe me a thing but after speaking to her for the first time in over 7 weeks yesterday and today being what it is, I really have a disguised feeling towards her right now. Thank my lucky stars she left me.

 

Thanks and again enjoy reading the feedback.

[swann]

Sorry, meant to say I have "discussed" feelings towards her right now. My spelling is horrible. And I also meant "hint at paying for it" not "hit at paying for it"

 

Thanks!

[swann]

Oh, and indesign - Love that line "back in no contact for you" Laughing!! Yes, it is back to NC for me. I need to include FB on that part as well this time.