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Dear ex..... bc I need closure.

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Dear ex,


Although you will never read this. I felt it is important to get out what I'm feeling, put it out into the universe so that I can let it go.


Its been days since we spoke, and I don't think I was ever able to tell you exactly how I feel. I'm so mad at you. But I'm more mad at me. I'm mad at me for letting myself feel the way I do about you. I'm mad at me for believing you when you said that I have to let you in and stop pushing you away bc weren't going anywhere. I'm mad at you for saying that we were in this together and then taking the first way out you could find.


I'm mad at you for just sitting there while your parents said horrible things about me. How could you just sit there. I'm mad at you for lying and not caring. And I think that was a * * * * ty thing to do. I'm mad at you for not wanting to try to put some kind of effort into this relationship, to try to make things work for this poor baby who does not deserve this.


I loved you and I was willing to try. How could you not understand how hard this was for me. 3,000 miles away from everyone I know and love. No health insurance, scared and feeling so alone. I just wanted you to want to try. I would never do those things to you. I wouldn't abandon you, or disrespect you, or make you feel alone. But that's what you did to me.


And even though I do miss you, I don't want to. But I am only human, I miss talking to you. And I miss your stupid stories about work. And I miss the way you say babe. But I am not mourning for you. I am mourning for the person I thought you were. The person who was my friend and who called me everyday after work. Who brought flowers home and who bbm'd me 'I miss you' right after leaving the house. I'm mourning the loss of the person who didn't care what people thought and use to tell me everyday I was beautiful. The person who watched 'chopped' and 'teen mom' (we should have learned from that show)and charmed with me.


I'm mourning the loss of hope for a family, like the one I never had. The father I thought you one day might be, who would be there for your kids, and go to their shows and plays and games and practices. I'm mourning who I thought u were, who I hoped you might be, and who you turned out not to be.


Logically I know I'm better off w|o you. BC I don't want to be w|someone who just doesn't care, who's not willing to put in effort to make something work. Relationships are hard. But anything worth having is worth working HARD for. But that doesn't mean I won't be sad, and I won't think of you from time to time and miss who I remember.


With all that said I am mad at you, but I do not hate you. I could never hate you, or regret meeting you bc if I did I would not be carrying my first beautiful baby. And I will not be bitter, this baby was made in love and will be so very loved, already is. And although I may have setbacks like today, I will work everyday to make myself a better person. I will be healthy for me and the baby and I will do everything in my power to be the best mom I can be.


So I just want you to know I forgive you, and I forgive your family. I wish you happiness in your life, bc I did love you and it was pure and from my heart. But I have to let you go, I am setting you free so that I can set me free.


All endings just allow for a new beginning......

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Very beautiful and a very mature and healthy thing to do. I think I am going to follow your example in my own style. Tonight even. Once again I am reminded no matter how much variation there is to the music of the human soul, ultimately it is all nuances of the same song. Suffering is indead optional. May you always remember to give yourself the acceptance and compassion you deserve.


See you one zen, raise you another...

"Brother, our spiritual training teaches us to avoid any contact with women, but you picked that one up on your shoulders and carried her!"

"Brother," the second monk replied, "I set her down on the other side, while you are still carrying her."

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Thank you. Its very true, everyone has their own experiences but @ the core happiness is happiness and sadness is sadness. I liked that very much, ultimately I do not want to carry around w|me any negative feelings. I just want to let go and let God. Healing does take time, but why prolong it?


Good luck on your journey as well....

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What an amazing letter. It helps so much to write things down and let your emotions out. Lord knows I have written many letters to my x that I would never send her. I really feel that everything happens for a reason. I wish you nothing but the best for you and your baby.



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@sunshin3 - thank you. I am certainly trying. I'm doing as much reading as I can. Baby everything! Children def do have a way of changing your world.


@Chris - thank you as well. Writing to me is therapuetic. It does help get your feelings out, and once you have you can let go. Its never about the other person, its what it does for your well being. Babies are a blessing and I know this is my process.

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So many things you said I could relate to. How they can say so many things to make you feel safe and secure in the relationship then one day up and walk away? The things you missed, I feel the same way. The stupid little things. I told him that when we first BU, that I just missed my bestfriend. I don't know how they do it. What goes through their heads and what part of it was true. Sad. I hope you and your baby find all the love they need. You have a huge heart. Your baby is blessed to have you

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Thank you very much. I'm slowly learning that its not so much what people say and whhy they ddo what they do, as it is what they ACTUALLY do. While words can be beautiful, they are sometimes just that - words. There's a phrase I often quote "actions scream louder than words". So simple, but so true. I don't understand why they do it nor will I ever. And it still saddens me, but I try to think about the bigger picture. The bouncing baby that will be here months from now. I'm sorry you've experienced something similar, and I wish you lots of luck on your process to healing.

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