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After 1 year, he says we were never a couple


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Hi everyone. Here's my dilemma:


I've been with a wonderful guy for almost a year. We got along great! No arguments, no fights, no disrespect.


I've spent almost everyday with him since we started dating and I spent 3 to 4 nights at his place every week. We worked out together everyday. We grocery shopped together, we chilled at home, we had sex. He's met my dad and I met his entire family. While his family was visiting us, I was with them everyday. When his mom came to visit us, I moved in for that week so I could take her out while he worked. He introduced me as his girlfriend to everyone, all the time, no exceptions. He took me out to dinner with his clients every time he was invited and he involved me in every aspect of his life. We have been exclusive ever since we started having sex. If this doesn't sound like an official relationship, please let me know!


Anyway, he's been super busy and stressed at work for the last couple of months. I never complained even though he became cold and distant. One day, out of the blue he told me he'll be nice to me regardless of work and said he appreciated me sticking with him through the last 2 crappy months. He said since we'll be together for a long time, it's good to know we can make it through the small stuff. Then he said that if I still wanted to be with him after his crappy mood, he'd take me back home with him when he goes back in October and he'll make sure I'll get my visa. He then showed me a certification he thought we should both get for work when we move. Sounds good so far, right?


TWO WEEKS later, he's definitely nicer and in a better mood but still cold. I know he never discusses emotions and feelings in person, not even with family so I sent him an email about how I felt. I said he didn't kiss/touch me lately and there wasn't not a lot of love lately and I asked him why he was that way. He replied that he wasn't aware that we were a couple and that he was sorry if I got that impression. He said the main reason is because he's an American and has to return to America. He also went on to say that until I have my own house and successful career I should probably just have fun with men at my convenience and not try to get all serious. (Before you ask, I'm 24 and I don't take money from him, EVER).

He also managed to diss me and say I had zero personality and hanging with me was like hanging out with a wall.


Ladies and gentlemen, there you have it. @#$%* Here are my thoughts: He's either a) He's a liar that intentionally mislead me b) his ego got hurt when I said he wasn't loving enough and that was his defense mechanism. What are YOUR thoughts on this?

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Wow, what the heck? He sure pulled a complete 180 didn't he? And the only clue was probably his grumpy mood and distance for the past couple months. Sometimes when people change their minds they rewrite history, especially when it comes to ending a relationship. For some reason he changed his mind, so now he's telling himself that you guys weren't even together officially in the first place. It seems like there is something you did or something he thinks you did that caused (or amplified) his negative feelings toward you.


I personally don't think I would have emailed him over such a serious issue. If I were you, I would write out the points I want to make to him, and call him and tell him. If he doesn't answer, leave a message. If I were you, I'd mention:


-You both know exactly what your relationship was for the past year, there is no need to debate what it should be called

-You treated him well throughout the duration of your time together, and do not deserve nor will you stand him making insulting comments about you, such as his insinuation that you are not successful enough because of your living facilities and your job. Also, that you are only capable of "having fun with men"

- That you are very hurt that he said you have no personality and you are like hanging out with a wall. If that were the case, one would wonder why it took him a year to recognize it.

- That he is a very immature person for making such insulting comments with no preemptive discussion with you, that he is attempting to bring you down and feel bad about yourself when you've only been kind and supportive to him the whole time, and that you only wish him to receive the same respect in his future relationships that he has shown you. And, don't call again. Ever.


Even if he were to profusely apologize, I wouldn't take him back. I probably wouldn't even accept the apology.

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I think hes just an utter douchebag and the sooner he goes back to America the better for you!


He obviously isn't who you thought he was. Im sorry you deserve a lot more, take the lessons you've learnt from this and move on to bigger and better things.


agreed!!! ugh. I am sorry this happened to you.

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PS - part of me suspects there is some mental illness or that he feels that he needs the "DRAMA" for a relationship to be exciting and worthwhile. It sounds like it was smooth sailing for you guys - and some people just don't like that. They need drama/fights/problems to feel like it's real. Just a thought.

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DN - I do think something has happened but I know my actions had nothing to do with it! I know there's no one else, he's too busy and I'm always with him. I'm pretty sure he thought of something, just don't know what.


Alli - re-write history! Yes! He does that! About a lot of things in his life! He's known as the nut case in his family for altering reality. Maybe as a way to protect himself, who knows. I mean if I'm as fun as a wall, it won't hurt so much to leave me right? If I tried saying it to his face he wouldn't have said anything. He only "opens up" on email. At first i emailed back asking what he said all those lies to my face for but before he could respond I sent another one saying I agreed with everything he said and wished him the best of luck with his life. It's been 5 days now. I'm so angry!

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Well, if he's known in his own family (which you've met) as the nut job for altering reality, then what more can we say. He's rewriting history because he's on his way back to USA and doesn't want to make the commitment to bring you along. Sucks for you....but, wow....think you really dodged a bullet here!


On to dating men with a sense of reality!!!

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To have befriended several men that were studying abroad I tend to avoid them like plague relationship wise. Many act and live for the day, get into relationship when they very well know they will go back to their original country when their studies are completed. They are in a way stringing you along. Some realize it from the get go, other do not want to admit to themselves that they are not being honest with you and carry on waht looks like a relationship and come the day where they have to make a decision about you. Often times they did really love the girl they were dating but felt they were too young to committ to stay or to bring along someone with them ?(i.e serious relationship)I am very sorry about it.


Out of curiosity, did you ever have a discussion about him going back to the US?

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Theniceone - yes we had the discussion when we lied next to me on the bed, got his laptop and starting showing me the courses we would take to get into the line of work we were both interested in (back in the US)! He's unbelievable.


Whether or not he knew if he wanted to take me with him from the get go, he shouldn't have explicitly stated that he wants to. There's a difference between keeping quiet and lying straight to someone's face! On top of that, he was quiet, anti social (with the world, not just me) and moody but in his twisted reality he decided that I'm the quiet and boring one. I make plans with friends and go out so I can get some human interaction, he just sits at home with real walls! How did he have the balls to reply to my email like that?


By the way, I replied as soon as I got his email and quoted him 2 weeks ago. Then before he could respond I just emailed him again saying he was right about everything and that I wished him all the best. I'm never contacting him again.


All of you who said he just decided he doesn't want to take me with him and he rewrote history, you're right. That has to be it. Why he did that 180 is beyond me. I hope his own version of reality keeps his warm at night.

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Ugh, I hate it when they do this kind of rampant re-writing of history/reality to justify their own less than stellar behavior!


It sounds like he wanted a GF for while he was overseas, but that he has a separate agenda to marry someone with money back home to leverage his own lifestyle!


I would say this kind of thing is uncommon, but unfortunately it is not. People have their own internal agendas, and many people will hide their agendas from others if they know that revealing them will restrict them from getting what they want. His short term goal was probably 'get a GF to have fun with while i'm overseas' and his long term goal might be 'marry a woman with a good job and a high income so we can buy a big house and i can have a life of comfort'. He would know for sure that he won't get an overseas GF if he up front announces he'll dump her when it's time to return home and marry someone else with money, so he will never announce that intention, even to the woman he marries becuase he doesn't want to look like a money grubber.


I had a very long term relationship with someone who swore up and down he didn't want to remarry for all kinds of reasons, but when he met a VERY wealthy woman with money to burn who would instantly give him security and solve his financial problems, and he quietly married her in another state (where he worked) while carrying on with me as if nothing had happened when he returned to my town on business, and not telling me he had married or was even seeing anyone else!! That's a long story in itself, but the point is that people frequently have all kinds of hidden agendas to try to get what they want. In my guy's case, his marriage in his head was strictly a financial decision based on his circumstances and he didn't 'get' why it should impact me at all and why we couldn't just continue on in a relationship as usual for the next 30 years! Of course i told him he was dreaming and i dumped him when i found out, but it just goes to show how some people just really alter reality and withhold their agendas trying to get everything they want for themselves, when they want it and how they want it!

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lavenderdove...wow. what a nut case! Aren't you glad he's out for your life Good example of twisted realities!


The thing is with this guy... is that he PRIDES himself on being painfully honest. I mean he talks about his honesty and how it can hurt people who aren't prepared to hear the truth, on a weekly basis. So why lie to my face?


There are PLENTY of females in our city that would be happy and willing to be in a casual/open relationship with him. Why make me a part of his life?


I don't think it has anything to do with money though. His only long term gf before me was broke and he supported her even after they broke up. He's also one of the most hard working people I've ever seen but hey, looks like I don't know him at all. I'm so happy he showed his true colors.

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The thing is with this guy... is that he PRIDES himself on being painfully honest. I mean he talks about his honesty and how it can hurt people who aren't prepared to hear the truth, on a weekly basis. So why lie to my face?


I think that sometimes when people talk up these qualities, they are lying to themselves and others. How many times have you heard some guy refer to himself as "a nice guy" but then you find out he really isn't?

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>>>He also went on to say that until I have my own house and successful career I should probably just have fun with men at my convenience and not try to get all serious.


I'm basing my comments on him wanting a woman with money on what he said there... In other words, he thinks you need ASSETS before a man might be interested in you seriously. So that means HE wants a woman with assets for himself before he would take HER seriously. People let drop little clues to what they are thinking, and he dropped a big one there.


Honestly, it doesn't occur to most people that they need to own a home etc. before they have a serious relationship! Maybe they don't want to marry too young, but buying a home is normally something people buy AFTER they get married. And to say you need a 'successful' career is just a euphemism for 'making good money' so he doesn't have to support his wife.

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I agree. I bought my own home (I am single) but it is a 1-bedroom condo. Certainly not a "home" like 4 bedrooms with a yard - that's the kind of thing that people buy, like LD points out, after they get into a relationship. As far as having a successful career and home, most men I know don't care about these things when looking for a gf. Not that they don't care, I shouldn't say that, but as long as a woman has something going on (a career, or she is in school, or in an internship and doing something with her life) that is most important. My friend has a PhD. Her boyfriend told me, "guys don't care if a girl has money or a high powered career - they just care if she's hot." He might be over-simplifying things, but I think he is certainly in the right ball park.

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7 days of NC and he emailed me today. Here it is:


I haven't read your emails, cause I realize what I said in mine probably came off the wrong way. So I don't want to read your reply in case they make me mad, as in I take them the wrong way. I have no reason to be mad at you. I was just being completely honest in it cause I know thats what you prefer. Im not good at holding back choice words though, you know that. And Im not important enough for you to even care what I think, I know that as well. So I hope you realize that yourself.......


On a higher note, Hope you're havin a blast! (he knows I went on vacation)


Ummm...what does he want? I don't get it. Not important enough? Does he need validation that I cared deeply for him? He was just being honest? So does that mean he's rubbing in my face that he think we were never a couple? Help, anyone?


*head scratch*

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Wow, something is seriously wrong with this guy. I don't know what it all means but I wouldn't reply to this email...I mean, he's not even going to read it since it might make him mad, right? I don't really believe that he didn't read your emails btw but his reply says a lot already. He can't say that he was being completely honest but it didn't come off the right way while not trying to explain what he actually meant. It doesn't make any sense. "Oh, you're boring and we're not couple but don't take this the wrong way. I won't bother to check if you did either. Have fun on your vacation though!"


Sorry this is happening to you. All I can advise is that you stay away from this guy and don't try to make sense of his crazy behaviour. I know it must be terrible but you'll be ok!

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