Long letter from ex. Meaning?

[Scott0013]

So long story short: I * * * * ed up my relationship. I deployed. Girlfriend left me for somebody else. I get back and let her know I still want to be with her. She can't make a decision. After a month of trying to win her back, I give up and go NC to move on. On day 2 or 3 of NC, she sends me this:

 

" I am sorry too, Scotty. I don't ignore you because things make me uncomfortable. It is truly hard to make me feel that way. I may feel awkward, but not uncomfortable. I brush you off when you start putting words and things into the situation that I never said. It is the way you are feeling, and I know how that is. I did the exact same thing when I was going through the hard times and catching you doing very hurtful things to me. I was constantly freaking out when you weren't home. I was always wondering if you were out cheating on me or talking to other girls. It was the WORST feeling that I have EVER had. Being suspicious is horrible. I was so suspicious, and for the right reasons.

 

I was also very wrong. I let you get away with everything but murder. That wasn't healthy for me at all. I loved you TOO much, and was willing to put up with the complete * * * * to still have you in my life. I was holding on to the thoughts of how happy you made me before. I was holding on to the grocery cart moments, the comic-con fun, and the chaos we got into. I was so hoping that that Scotty would come back to me someday. He didn't. He just kept getting grouchier, and more hurtful towards me. There was so many times you would be sitting on your computer and I would want to come kiss you or cuddle with you, and I simply got an "ew, you're annoying me" or something along those lines. It hurt me so bad. So terribly bad. We weren't having sex, which hurt ten times more. I truly enjoyed the sex that we had, and I know I voiced that to you. I mean, * * * * , we even woke up all the neighbors because we were having such great sex.

 

I wanted to go back to the days when you LOVED to touch me. When we would be out in public and you would pull me close, because I was yours and you were proud. I was SO proud to be with you. Despite what everyone said (he's weird, he is a creep, he has done some nasty things, etc), I didn't care. In my eyes you were perfect to me. Only I needed to love you, cause that is ALL that mattered to me. You had changed, and everyone noticed it. Especially me. I WAS inviting you out. I WANTED you to come. I know you don't like some of my friends, but that is part of being in a relationship. I don't like some of your friends, or their influence on you, but I dealt with it because I loved you. That * * * * didn't matter to me. I just wanted to spend time with you, regardless of who else was around. Relationships involved being associated with each other's friends. It is an intertwining of two lives. Two lives made into ONE couple.

 

Things were so bad for my physically and emotionally, that I could not wait to get out of San Diego and go to a romantic place like the Bahamas with you. I believed that the trip was going to "make" or "break" our relationship. I had a great time while I was there with you, until the last night when I stumbled accross your OK Cupid site.... again.....after you had promised that you would delete it. You promised me in April that it was gone, and I believed you because I loved you. That HURT to find that you had not deleted it and then lied to me about it. Baby, I gave you so much attention... maybe it was too much, and maybe it was the wrong kind. I still don't know.

 

Once back in San Diego, things didn't change. You didn't want to hang out with me anymore than before the trip. You weren't any nicer to me than before we left, and we sure weren't having any romance whatsoever. That crushed me.

 

It got to the point that I was feeling your deployment was going to be an easy "out" for you. You never really communicated to me what you wanted from me while you were gone. You didn't spend time to fill your shoes as a roommate. This neglect and lack of communication killed me as well. I felt as though you had checked me out of your life completely.

 

I wanted, and in fact NEEDED to hear from you that you wanted me there for you when you returned. I needed to hear that you wanted me to WAIT for you. I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to have someone to wait for.

 

There was a HUGE disconnect and lack of communication before you left. We didn't even have sex the NIGHT BEFORE you left, which indicated to me you didn't want me anymore. If I was leaving for 6 months, and was going to miss my significant other I would be sexing all night long. We didn't even ONCE.

 

Waking up the morning you deployed was by FAR one of the WORST moments of my life. I had in my head that you didn't want me, and that basically this was a GOODBYE to my long relationship that I had put so much effort into. I had put TONS and TONS of EFFORT, LOVE, and TIME into you and US. So much time and effort it made me sick to think I was losing that. (Although, I had felt like I lost you in August-which that made me sick as well). I had also heard some very hurtful things from Brad and company that REALLY made me believe that your deployment was the END of us.

 

I never want to relive a day like that again.

 

After I got home from dropping you off, I woke Anne up immediately. I was HYSTERICAL. I was also upset because you didn't seem to be upset that you weren't going to see me for 6 months. I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest.

 

Having to put away your stuff frustrated me, and made me sad. I was frustrated because you didn't take care of that before you left, and I was sad because it was your stuff and I had memories with it. I cried for at least two weeks about the most random stuff because I MISSED YOU SO MUCH IT HURT.

 

When I didn't hear from you on a regular basis, and when I did it was about something angry.... I really, and TRULY BELIEVED in my heart that you wanted me out of your life. I NEVER expected you to care.

 

You arriving home, and all of this happening was a SURPRISE to me. The last thing I remember discussing with you was you wanting to move out and that you didn't want anything to do with that place or me. I HONESTLY packed up all of your belongings and put them in the garage to make that easier for you to move out, and not have to see me. I thought it was what you wanted.

 

I NEVER would have gotten into a relationship with someone else, had I believed you would come back to me and be my Scotty. It has put me in the most awkward position. It is like having someone come back from the dead (like Cast Away). I lived my life, because I BELIEVED you were gone. I never anticipated this. I still wonder if Koby was not in the situation how your arrival back to San Diego would have went. This whole thing still baffles me.

 

Honestly, I still wonder what it WOULD have been like had he not been in the situation. WOULD you have still REALIZED your love for me?

 

This is a very confusing situation for me, and I am very VERY torn."

 

 

What do you guys take away from that??

[Edmund Exley]

I take from it that you have hurt this girl enough with selfishness and you should leave her alone. The damage is done.

 

Also you should learn from what you lost because of your actions (or lack there of) because otherwise, if you are lucky enough to find another woman that will love you like this one did, you will just blow that too.

[reidqa]

Son,

 

First of all "god bless you for you service".

 

My daughter did 2 tours 18 mths and 12 mths in Iraq, and her guy waited for her. I can rmeember the invasion night when the infantary moved into Iraq when we attacked and him crying.

 

So she has 3 strikes on me.

 

Now son she has cheated do you wish a life of this memory. Do you really want to start a lifelong commitment tarnished, look at the posts of such relationships.

 

Simply state to her do not want to establish contact (no reason required), and move on solider.

[Snowy]

First of all, you guys shouldn't even consider dating each other any time soon.

 

This is A LOT of drama and she has obviously been through some pretty harsh heartbreak.

 

The best thing for both of you is to work on yourselves.

 

Her decision to jump into a rebound is, I think, pretty naive and will fail pretty soon.

 

I have a feeling she just MIGHT come crawling back to you. BUT before she does that (if she does it at all), you need to work on yourself. Evaluate all the aspects of the relationship that you failed.

 

Do not get back with her or make any further moves until you are a new person.

[Edmund Exley]

Son,

 

First of all "god bless you for you service".

 

My daughter did 2 tours 18 mths and 12 mths in Iraq, and her guy waited for her. I can rmeember the invasion night when the infantary moved into Iraq when we attacked and him crying.

 

So she has 3 strikes on me.

 

Now son she has cheated do you wish a life of this memory. Do you really want to start a lifelong commitment tarnished, look at the posts of such relationships.

 

Simply state to her do not want to establish contact (no reason required), and move on solider.

 

I dont see where you get she cheated. Did you even read the letter? She wanted him to say "Wait for my, I love you and I need you!" He didnt.

 

He also was on online dating sites while they were together, and lied about it to her too.

 

They werent married, his life took him away, and she chose not to wait for him to get back. Based on what she described as his behaviour towards her during the relationship, I cant say she was wrong to move on.

[Snowy]

I dont see where you get she cheated. Did you even read the letter? She wanted him to say "Wait for my, I love you and I need you!" He didnt.

 

He also was on online dating sites while they were together, and lied about it to her too.

 

They werent married, his life took him away, and she chose not to wait for him to get back. Based on what she described as his behaviour towards her during the relationship, I cant say she was wrong to move on.

 

Yes, I believe her decision to move on was very correct. But her method of moving on (rebounding) will set her back even further.

 

After a bad relationship like this, the best thing is to just stay single for a while and let the heart heal over time. Once you're out of the shadows, then you're ready to date again.

 

I can bet she will break up with the rebound and crawl back to OP for another go.

[Edmund Exley]

Yes, I believe her decision to move on was very correct. But her method of moving on (rebounding) will set her back even further.

 

After a bad relationship like this, the best thing is to just stay single for a while and let the heart heal over time. Once you're out of the shadows, then you're ready to date again.

 

I can bet she will break up with the rebound and crawl back to OP for another go.

 

I dont disagree with that, but she isnt the one here looking for advice. Saying she's just in a rebound doesn't apply because that for now is her choice.

 

I will bet if she were coming back, she would have done it already, not wrote a long letter justifying why she won't. Either way, it doesnt matter at this time.

[Snowy]

I dont disagree with that, but she isnt the one here looking for advice. Saying she's just in a rebound doesn't apply because that for now is her choice.

 

I will bet if she were coming back, she would have done it already, not wrote a long letter justifying why she won't. Either way, it doesnt matter at this time.

 

She hasn't come back because right now her ego has been boosted by the rebound guy.

 

Well I'm trying to give OP some of my insight into the situation. I'm telling him if/when she does come back, they shouldn't jump straight back into a relationship.

[Edmund Exley]

She hasn't come back because right now her ego has been boosted by the rebound guy.

Thats only speculation at best.

 

Well I'm trying to give OP some of my insight into the situation. I'm telling him if/when she does come back, they shouldn't jump straight back into a relationship.

Totally agree.

[Snowy]

Thats only speculation at best.

 

Yeah sadly I can't telepathically read people's mind LOL.

[JerkBrokeMe]

What do you guys take away from that??

 

You failed to mention if the content of the letter was accurate in your eyes. If it was, you were a really crappy boyfriend and I hope you learn for next time. You should leave her alone, you've already put her through enough.

 

She spent a lot of time explaining everything to you, in a very mature manner. Something most people in her position don't do. It seems most people in her position put up a wall and won't let the other in on any of the answers as to why they can no longer be together. You've been given them. What do you take away from the letter? Are there things in the letter that you don't agree with?

[curious987]

Wow. She is really hurt : (

 

I have to ask....why did you treat her this way? Were you happy in the relationship?

[CrapAtNC]

It seems to me that she would love to be with the old you. If you can't be that man, then leave her be. If you can, then you need to change big time. You still have a chance, but don't even think about it if you can't guarantee not hurting her again.

[Scott0013]

To answer some of the questions you guys asked:

 

Yes. Her version of events is true. I won't deny it for a single second: I had an awesome girlfriend, that absolutely adored me, and I treated her like * * * * .

 

Are there things that contributed to me treating her that way? Yes. Does it matter what they were? No. There is no excuse.

 

All I can say now is that I've learned a harsh life lesson, and I want to fix us so bad. I want her back. I want myself back. I want US back. I want to be who I was when she fell in love with me and never lose myself again. I want to be the boyfriend she deserves. I just wish I could convince her of that, but I don't think I can.

 

I asked her the other day, theoretically, if she could be 100% certain that I'd change how I say I will, would she still be torn between me and the rebound?

 

She didn't hesitate. She said no.

[CrapAtNC]

You have to prove yourself. And you have to accept the situation, as horrible as it is. Although you may look back on this episode as one of the best things that has ever happened to you.

[magnoliatree]

Honestly, I think it's more powerful to change FIRST then approach her to reconcile, rather than promise to change and drag her into your process that may or may not happen.

[Scott0013]

I have been trying, and I've been showing her. I don't know how many of you saw my other thread, but we went to Vegas two weeks ago, and it was lovely. We had a blast, I showered her with affection just like I used to, and we kissed.

 

My fear, if I let go for now and she comes back later, is how do I know I'm not the rebound to the rebound?

[CrapAtNC]

Accept that fear and start thinking about her feelings for once (just being direct with you).

[Edmund Exley]

Accept that fear and start thinking about her feelings for once (just being direct with you).

 

Yep. You are gonna have to just roll the dice and accept that you may be at risk. If you are unable to do that, then you should leave her be.

 

If you guys do work it out, you need to be sure to go over and above to hold up your end of the bargain and all you promised to get a second chance. You have to be thankful for that second chance every day she is in your life.

[Scott0013]

I will. Trust me. I will cherish it.

 

How do I get it? What else can I do?

[Edmund Exley]

I will. Trust me. I will cherish it.

 

How do I get it? What else can I do?

 

Well you can start by responding to her letter with all of this:

 

All I can say now is that I've learned a harsh life lesson, and I want to fix us so bad. I want her back. I want myself back. I want US back. I want to be who I was when she fell in love with me and never lose myself again. I want to be the boyfriend she deserves. I just wish I could convince her of that,

 

 

If you havent yet, you should, but be sure you have an explanation of how you plan to do all this, set expectations, let her know these arent just words.

 

If you have told her all this, then there is nothing you can do but be patient and wait all while knowing things may not go your way. Thats the price you have to pay.

[learning2relax]

 

Are there things that contributed to me treating her that way? Yes. Does it matter what they were? No. There is no excuse.

 

All I can say now is that I've learned a harsh life lesson,

 

Thank you for sharing her letter. That was pretty brave of you given that you shared it with the rest of us.

 

I took portions of one of your posts to comment on....

 

As far as "does it matter what they were? No." I am sorry, but I strongly disagree. The best predictor of the future is history. I know that you have made changes for the better, but if they are made in reaction to your loss, I fear they are only temporary. If you got her back today, how do you know that the changes that you have made would stick? How do you know that if whatever caused you to check out of your relationship when it was yours for the taking, will not happen again and you will revert to the old familiar behavior that causes you to find yourself where you are at today? And, if I was in her shoes, and if I wrote that letter, that would be my biggest concern. Going through that kind of heart wrenching torture is devastating and as a result will cause her to be more cautious with her heart, commitment and trust going forward. No one wants to relive that, nor make a conscious decision to risk that again when you have lived through it with that very person in the past. The probability of risk forecast is very high. We are creatures of habit. We develop our coping mechanisms early and I don't know that we understand how we are perceived when we revert to them. You can't see the forest through the trees. I don't know that we truly know how we look to others and how we are affecting them. I think our perception is much different then those on the outside of us.

 

You state you learned a "harsh lesson." My advice is to spend some time with yourself, truly focused on who you are and why you do the things you do and gain awareness in how you impact those around you. Use this "lesson" and truly feel and learn from it. Reflection about the loss, the lesson and the pain that you feel from it. Take the journey and commit to learning from it. Do whatever you can to ensure that the changes you have made as a result are genuine and have staying power.

 

As for how to get her back? You have no control over that. Accept it. Harsh but very very true. You would be best to reflect on this event in your life and grow from it. Don't hold out for hope. It doesn't allow you to focus enough on what you need to do for you to help you ensure that if you get her back or gain a new relationship where you are adored, that you don't take it for granted. In relationships, you need to be present. When you struggle with being present, you need to communicate as best you can and as calmly as you can to your SO. Help to give them perspective and learn how to relate to them what you need from them when you experience these low points in your life. It would be really sad that you ever find yourself in these shoes again some where down the road, regardless if it is this person or someone else. Try and use this time to do what you can to prevent yourself for cycling through self induced loss.

 

Best wishes to you......

[deavyin]

From what I have read it almost seems like she wants the OP to chase her down. She even admits that she doesn't know what would have happened were this new guy not in the picture when he got back and that she was surprised at his attitude when he came back.

 

It really seems like she wants him to make an effort and chase her because she has felt that he didn't care and she is probably worried that he is only making overtures towards her BECAUSE she is with someone else and not because he truly wants to be with her again.

 

In my opinion it really depends on what the OP wants out of this. Is it because his ego is bruised or because he truly realizes what he has lost and is willing to work on it again.

 

Look at her letter...how many times does she use the word love? This girl is definitely heart broken and confused right now. If he wants her back it has to be for the right reasons and he has to truly be willing to do what it takes to make things right. If he is only going to go back to the same patterns of abuse towards her then he needs to leave her be to live her life.

 

This is definitely a rebound situation and right now it's not fair to the new guy either. She is not over the OP and that is pretty clear to see in her email. This new relationship is doomed to fail for sure.

[Scott0013]

Let there be no question what I want. I want her. My ego means nothing to me. I want us back so bad, I want to show her that all her effort and pain was not wasted, that I am still who she fell in love with. That we can still be us and I can still give her everything I gave her during my * * * * * * * phase.

 

I agree with whoever said she wants me to chase her. My question is, why? Like I said, I spent a whole month trying to get her back and she gave me little in return: some sympathy, a few dates, a couple passionate kisses. I only got this letter from her when I started NC.

 

Does she want me to chase her for her ego? Does she want me as a friend so she can have the best of both worlds with me and the rebound? Is she crying out and asking me to find a way to convince her to lower her defenses and give me her heart?

 

I'm so confused.

[learning2relax]

 

I agree with whoever said she wants me to chase her. My question is, why?

 

Perhaps because of the amount of time that she felt ignored and rejected.....add the pain and confusion that she is in with a side of fear that it might happen again if she gives in and gets back together with you.

 

Then again, the reasons that you cited (ego, friend, etc.) could also be possible reasons. You have decide the path that you want to take in order to figure that out.

 

While it has taken me a very long time to accept the whole concept of "NC" - I do realize the benefits and if I had the chance to do it over, I would definitely initiate that approach - at least a heck of a lot sooner.

 

If you feel that your changes have staying power and you can remain consistent, given that the whole reason that you lost her was your lack of attention and communication which caused her to feel rejected and abandoned - maybe responding to her isn't a bad thing. However, understand that her communication does not provide any guarantees of anything. And she is with someone else. So you have to take that into consideration along with the risk of how far it will set you back (as NC is about getting you back - not getting them back, however she reached out to you here) and then decide if you want to revise your approach.

 

You could consider answering her email and then continue on your path of silence and healing and see where it goes. I would suggest though that if you decide to respond, you might consider being very careful not to make it about you. Rather carefully respond to what she shared with you about her.

 

We all have different opinions on what you should do, can do, might consider doing. In the end, it is really your decision and what you think is best for you and knowing her better than any of us. My only hesitation at all about what I shared as an option I would consider in your position....is that she is with someone else. That might cause me not to respond at all and wait some more.

 

Good luck........hang in there. It is tough.....