chavelita22 Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 I have been married for 9 years now and have two children. Our marriage has been more in the low than in the high side. He hides a lot of things from me from his banks accounts to porn on computer, cel phone. One point i was busting my behind working night shift because we couldnt afford babysitter and he was texting nasty stuff with two girls one in Florida and the other here were we live. He is a person that in the house he does laundry, very excellent father with my kids. I am soo depressed something tells me it is time for me to move on but at the same time i dont want my kids to suffer. Any advise out there????:sad: Link to comment
Lester Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Hi Chavelita, Not wanting the kids to suffer is very noble. You are a great Mom! Your marriage is out of balance. Marriages out of balance are rotten for the giver, (you) vs. the taker/user. Being out of balance for short periods is normal, nine years is not. Typically these things do not start overnight and must have the help of the admirer/enabler. Sorry… you again. Unfortunately they don't get better without concrete intervention from you. You are, if not already are on the verge of being a victim. Being a victim is even worse yet. What to do: First and foremost…decide what you want. Do you want a normal loving marriage with this man? Yes, or No. No, not willing to work on it anymore...divorce. Your kids are being exposed, (yes they see it), to a horrible lifestyle. This will affect and hurt them. Yes… hard but most likely doable. First you must understand the role you played in the “out of balance.” Most likely you were at one time an admirer of this man and then an enabler. Finally, an appeaser. Appeasement kills marriages. Next knowing what is and what isn’t a marriage. A marriage is simply you, your husband and God. There is absolutely no room for other women! Porn, email, phone, txting are all “other women” This is the bedrock of a marriage. Without it…it’s not a marriage. Buy James Dobson’s classic “Love must be tough.” New hope for marriages in crisis. Forget what you have heard about the phrase “tough love.” Many people falsely believe it has something to do with getting tough on there spouse. It has nothing to do with him. It’s about you…you understanding of the role you played in your failing marriage, and then changing yourself. If you change he may choose to come along. Link to comment
Lester Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 C, I almost forgot. Never show/tell your husband about Dobson's book. Never let him know what you are doing to save your marriage. That's if you choose to save it. Link to comment
chavelita22 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Yes I am more looking to divorse for the sake of me mentally and the kids I will have to find help. This man has tore me apart with his doube life and I can't take it anymore. 9 years funny and I don't know him all that well. Sad but I am young and still can go on. Link to comment
Lester Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Making a decision is no small feat! Most don’t. You can be proud of strength you obviously have! Yes, all decisions have there pros and cons but they have something that indecisiveness doesn’t… Direction! God bless. Link to comment
abitbroken Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 Does he know you know about the texting? If he does and doesn't care, that's one thing, but if he doesn't, then you need to let him know you know and that you don't stand for it. Not only is it disrespectful to your marriage, but potential harm could come to your children if they have his personal cell or address, etc, people can locate him. I would also consult an attorney or just get an idea of what your rights are to hold some of your money in a separate account for an emergency - just so you can pay the babysitter and other things if he spends his money on porn or if you need to get out. Also, when confronted, does he say that he needs some excitement (doing things in bed that you don't or won't do but then again he hasn't asked), or or is he just a disrespectful clod? Maybe its a gambling prob (the rush of almost being caught)? Before you consider your divorce, protect yourself and your kids financially - and also, if you have never said boo about this, maybe he needs a scare put in him of being caught or losing you. Have you ever talked about this or has he admitted its a problem at all? Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 14, 2011 Share Posted July 14, 2011 It has nothing to do with him. Its about you; you understanding of the role you played in your failing marriage, and then changing yourself. Wow that's a lot of assumptions. Could be little to nothing to do with her and everything to do with him. I don't believe people are emotionally or evolutionarily geared (or created by God if that's your thing) to be with one person their entire lives. 5 years, 10 years, 15 years tops maybe.. after that it's just same old, same old even in the best of circumstances where both parties actively work together to keep communication open and retain some of the initial excitement. Yeah once in a while you'll find an old couple who have been together for 30 or more years who found a way to compromise and "make it work" but they are the rare exception and far from the rule, and probably most if not all of them are together out of fear or convenience or finances or just plain laziness. Once one or both parties start to lose the interest, it's a downward spiral from which recovery is rare, regardless of the end stage steps taken to try to reverse the inevitable. Link to comment
chavelita22 Posted July 14, 2011 Author Share Posted July 14, 2011 Yes we had many fights about this. something funny evrytime an argument happened because of his cel he will change his number to make me happy then he is back at it again. The is the least of what hes done. Venting out here make me feel soo much better and it gives me streghn and asurance. Link to comment
Lester Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 You may be right and you may be wrong. Either way your thoughts send a message of hopelessness to someone who is already in so much pain. Link to comment
tresqua Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 You may be right and you may be wrong. Either way your thoughts send a message of hopelessness to someone who is already in so much pain. And you may be right or wrong, and either way your thoughts send a message that all of the problems and all the blame are due to the actions of the person who is already in so much pain. Link to comment
endy Posted July 15, 2011 Share Posted July 15, 2011 Do yourself a favor, read reconciliation or/and anger by thich nhat hahn. Practice what it preaches, and you'll know how to handle this. How well do you know and understand your husband? How well do you know and understand yourself? Link to comment
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