I'm deeply in love with someone else

[isiati]

I'm going to try to sum up what I've been going through. I feel like I'm going crazy, I can't talk to anyone about this. I have shame and also guess I don't have the balls to break up with my boyfriend for good. There's a long drawn out history there.

 

First off, I did not cheat on my boyfriend. I really tried to be focused and keep giving he and I a shot to make things work. He kept making me jump through hoops to be good enough for him. He can also be quite verbally abusive at times, but then he goes back to being very very sweet which is severely confusing. Confounding as can be. I feel like I'm on a merry go round.

 

I finally got to a point where I said enough is enough and we broke up... Well, only for 4-5 months last year during which I dated someone else. I felt wonderful feelings for the new guy. Then ex came back around and begged me to give it another shot after all we'd been through. I felt guilty and went back to him.

 

The other guy is in love with me. It's been over a year and he tells me he hasn't been able to move on and that there is no one as perfect for him as me. (I made mistake of coming out of NC TWICE now, apparently). I am back to being in NC with that other guy, of course. But I think of him constantly.

 

I guess I let my Ex screw with my mind. He guilted me to get back together with also an icing of empty promises. I do care for him, but it's just not there. It kills me to imagine breaking up with him, what it will do to him. Yet at the same time, when things are good, he is still making me jump through hoops acting like I'm not good enough for him. And he gets angry at the talk of marriage. It's like he wants me but when he has me he wants to try to make me feel like s*&^ about myself. But when we break up it's like he will fall apart at any moment. He has done so much for me, and I feel like I can't leave him, like I'm indebted to him. I think he uses that though to keep me right where I am and not marry me though considering his aversive reaction to any talk of marriage. I just don't get it. I've asked him to go to counseling for our issues but he said no.

 

I don't know what to do. Help? I need to get off the merry go round once and for all. I think I could have the life I've dreamt of with that other guy. I think about him all the time. I feel awful.

[tresqua]

He has done so much for me, and I feel like I can't leave him, like I'm indebted to him. I think he uses that though to keep me right where I am and not marry me though considering his aversive reaction to any talk of marriage. I just don't get it. I've asked him to go to counseling for our issues but he said no.

 

He did a lot of things for you because he wanted to, he wasnt forced. Just like you did a lot for him even if was something as simple as having sex with him. That's what happens in relationships, it's give and take with no strings attached.

 

Not that you need anything else but for good measure, throw in the manipulative guilting behavior, the verbal abuse, the aversion to marriage and his refusal to go to counseling and you're in the clear. It's not your concern if he has a tough time with the breakup, even if he does something as bad as hurting himself or worse, what are your options? Stay with a guy for the rest of your life just because you feel responsible for his health and well being?

 

You owe him nothing.

[Kitkat973]

Guilt is not a reason to be with someone. You owe yourself happiness.

[nutbrownhare]

It's like he wants me but when he has me he wants to try to make me feel like s*&^ about myself. But when we break up it's like he will fall apart at any moment. He has done so much for me, and I feel like I can't leave him, like I'm indebted to him.

 

Of course he wants you, but his behaviour is typical of an abuser - alternating between being sweet and loving, and then the abuse starts up again. Until you understand the cycle, it will be confusing and disorientating and eventually will wear away your self esteem to the point that you feel unable to leave him.

 

You owe him nothing. If you are someone who's vulnerable to being manipulated by guilt - which it sounds as though you are - it will be difficult to take this on board. But you really, really owe him nothing. He'd be unlikely to fall apart if you leave him; he'd probably start looking for someone straight away and you'd find yourself replaced very quickly. Alternatively, and possibly preferably, he WOULD fall apart and then be obliged to put himself together again more securely. Either way, the decision is his - and not your responsibility.

 

Your responsibilities are to take care of your own health and wellbeing. Perhaps you need to feel needed in order to have a relationship; some people do, and if this is the case then it will be very difficult to leave your current partner.

 

However, you have no commitment to this guy. He is actively resisting any commitment to you. He is refusing to go for counselling to resolve your issues, issues which are leaving you feeling deeply unhappy. Nothing's going to change.

 

Quite apart from the fact that there's someone who sounds as though he's waiting for you in the wings, you need to get out of this relationship as soon as possible for your own sanity.

[blackhawks1287]

This whole situation is unstable, you need to gain control of your emotions and figure out what YOU want...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I think I could have the life I've dreamt of with that other guy.

 

So basically you are totally dependent on men and you can't live your life without a man. That is not good. Often women in abusive relationships will leave and jump straight into another relationship. Sometimes the new relationship, over time, becomes abusive as well. If you really want to change your life around you need to actually do some work on yourself and build your self-esteem. Running from an abusive relationship straight into another expecting the new guy to be your key to happiness is a recipe for further disaster.