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Relationship deal breakers/ warning signs ...????

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Basically I want some feedback concerning relationship dealbreakers/warning signs in the first month. I am recently after breaking up with a guy after three months. It was horrible. Really I should have ended it in the first month.


We met online via a dating website. We corresponded for quite a while casually just exchanging funny links and general chit chat. I wasn't overly interested first but agreed to meet him when he asked me and soon we began dating.


And as much as the other behaviour was nice there were a few things I felt I should have paid attention to and some other things I REALLY should have paid attention to in the first month.


1) He wanted the physical relationship to progress very quickly and despite his claims that he was totally ok with the slow pace ... would pressure me subtly whenever the opportunity for him to do so presented itself.


2) He told me he loved me in the first month, that he thought upon first meeting me that I was 'The One' ... most amazing girl he'd ever met ... he wanted me as his girlfriend right away introduced me to his friends and family almost immediately without really getting to know me in person properly.


3) Told me on the third or fouth date about his dodgy past including a very promisicuous past and an open relationship with a woman where they would compete against each other to see who could get the most attention in order to make each other jealous. He also mentioned that another girlfriend cheated on him with his friend. That night he also boasted about being an excellent manipulator ... but of course he was changed ... he remained celebate for months before he met the girl of his dreams ... me apparently. I felt I couldn't trust him after this info ... what was so different about me anyway he barely knew me?


4) Was often physically overbearing when we were intimate in any way or would attempt to expose my body to others without my permission. Tried to restrain me to get my underwear off on more than one occasion in a 'play fight' kind of way in private but when I asked him to seriously stop he didn't take heed or didn't think I was being serious. Would often unintentionally bruise me but seemed not so worried about them even commented once that he was proud of them. At a party with his gay friends he pulled down my top to try and expose some bruises he put on my chest (unintentionally .. perhaps) saying 'hey do you wanna see my girlfriends boobs?' I tried pulling my top up but he continued trying to pull it down for a short while after my protests then stopped. Once we were outside and he tried to pull down my top there was noone around and I went to pull it back up but he kept it down telling me 'where's the fun and adventerous girl you said you were?' .... Another time he when I was hugging him in front of his friend he lifted up my dress to expose my underwear to his friend, his friend simply replied to him 'haha stop showing off' ...


5) Suggested we have sex in front of a couple that are friends of his ... I thought it was a bit too soon to suggest something like that ...


6) Lacked effort in general it was usually me going to visit him or doing what he wanted to do.


7) Would make criticisms veiled as either jokes or compliment e.g. ... 'I love you despite you bald patches' or 'you look like a homeless person' ... silly little stuff but sometimes would hurt my feeling. I asked him sometimes did he mean the stuff, he said 'if i really meant it I wouldn't say it' .. All I could do was laugh it off really or retaliate which sometimes I did. Or run.


He was really really nice in general the other times ... popular and well liked (I thought he can't be that bad then) ... but these things stood out.


Please bear in mind all these things happened in the first month .....


Why I ignored these things and continued the relationship is a completely different story altogether. I guess I tricked myself into thinking he really did love me and that I loved him back.


Do you think any of the above should have been acted on immediate and how serious/odd is some of that stuff???


What are your relationship deal breakers/ warning signs???

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Yeah, major red flags there. But then again I've also experienced (and ignored) some of those myself. Still paying for it ha ha ha. But that is the problem with red flags, just one isn't enough to justify a breakup, (we've all done stupid things in the past or come off poorly sometimes) yet as they build up over time you've already let some slide so it becomes harder to put your foot down.


#4 is downright unacceptable. Most girls I know would have slapped him hard for that kind of immature crap. Hell most guys I know who saw someone acting like that would also think it very strange.


There is a saying that goes: "when a person shows you who they are, believe them".

I'm also a big fan of: "trust your gut".


You sound much better off.

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Wow sounds like someone who just likes a girlfriend to show her off or he hasn't grow up since being 16. From a guys perspective some deal breakers for me as far as a serious relationship go would be. If she sleep with me on the first night or in the first few weeks. As much as every guy loves a one night stand I just can't respect a girl enough to put serious effort in if she sleeps with me on the first night or seems easy. It makes me wonder the whole time if she slept with me that easy then why won't she do it again even if were in a relationship. Second would be if by date 3 she still hasn't offered to pay for anything. I believe in the guy picking up the first check and the second because it's a follow up date. But by the 3rd one if she doesn't offer to pay then i'm done, to me it's not right for some girls out there to think that it's our responsibility to pay every single time. Luckily I have only come accross one of those and most girls are really giving when it comes to that.


The third would be if she has admitted to cheating recently, like in the past 2 years. I just got burnt really bad by my ex who cheated on me. She admitted in the beginning that she did cheat on her ex before me, and gave me a bunch of bs reasons why what she did was justified. I bought it at the time but not will not except a girl if she admits to it in the last couple years and certainly not if she cheated on her last boyfriend. I think it takes people awhile to change from their cheating ways. Fourth would be if her ex is still involved in her life. This one comes with a grain of salt. I know a lot of people still talk to their ex's and do so but wouldn't ever go back to them. But my last ex didn't respect me enough after we became very serious to take down facebook pictures of her and him kissing/ hugging and wouldn't tell him to stop texting and calling. She told me over and over again that she was through with him, so I said well if your done then please help me feel better and take down the pictures at least the kissing one. And next time he sends one of his obnoxious texts instead of deleting it or sending back some light response. Just tell him to STOP IT. She wouldn't and it really drove me crazy. So i will except an ex but it depends on the terms, my ex was hostile with her ex but for some reason kept him in her life. That made no sense to me unless she wasn't over him. So preferably there would be no ex's because I don't talk to any of mine and just want the same in return. There's ALOT more but those are 4 big ones that I look at right away.

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Reading another thread reminded me of a red flag I've learned about the hard way.


Not having any remaining friends from certain points of their lives when they said they had friends.

-Sign of a manipulator who used up all the good will of that group and so moved on to play their game with a new set of unsuspecting dupes.

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Oh wow you went through all of that within the first month??? he would have been in the hospital and I would have been in jail.


I've experience some strange behavior in past relationships and here's some dealbreakers I've put together


1)I've dealt with bad hygiene and I'm not talking about just lack of showering. This one guy must've had something against water because he rarely showered, bathed, brushed his teeth. It was SO GROSS. His teeth and gums were plaque-covered with about four days worth of plaque. He smelled like hot garbage. He never washed his clothes. Ugh, I left instantly.


2) I met one person who lied about his age. He shaved over a decade off his real age in order to be with me. he later confessed his true age and I left soon after (he sais he was 30, but was 42). Yeah, Lying about things such as age, name, etc are instant dealbreakers.


3) I met one guy who did heroin but didn't know it at the time because he kept it hidden pretty well. There was one day I saw him picking at his hands and I saw scars. I asked him what they were about and he said he just has a problem picking at his skin. I later discovered small baggies he had on him and he said he was holding them for a friend and for me to "stop trippin'". I confronted him about his hands and asked if he was shooting up. He just kept quiet and I told him it wouldn't work out. He tried to curse me out over the phone a few days later but I hung up in his face. I ignored future calls. Drugs, instant dealbreaker.


4)Laziness is another dealbreaker. I knew a guy who lived with his father at the age of 26, didn't have a job, license, a good education, etc. He was going nowhere fast but wanted to have kids and marry me (so he could mooch off me possibly). Um yeah,...no. Instant fail.


I have so many stories of crazy dates. These are just a few


Until we meet again...

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My dealbreakers when it came to someone I had gone on several or more dates with (the initial dealbreakers are different and often easier).


Alcohol issues, anger issues, unreliability, pressure to have sex early on, too much negativity, talking about other people in a crude/tacky way, and similar.

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God there's so much in this thread I can resonate with.


1 - The physical side of our relationship was very fast, very intense and too much too soon for me. She dragged me to bed on our first real date and often just not let me out of things until she got what she wanted. I know society says men never say such things, but she was very demanding, to the point of physical pain for me. If I tried to stop, she'd ignore me and carry on. If she ever didn't want it, or her mood changed, or she hurt, it'd stop immediately. I could never stop her.


2 - She told me she loved me within 3 weeks of dating/sleeping together. If I'm ever forward with my feelings I get shot down. She can very seriously tell me she wants to have my children, but if I joke about growing old together then she tells me I'm demanding and putting pressure on her.


3 - I got the whooooole history, sometimes in graphic detail, of all of her ex's, which guy she was with while liking another and so on. Wasn't fun.


4 - Not quite on the same level, but she gets sexual in very inappropriate situations. More than once if I answer the phone in bed, could be work, could be my mother, she'll start fooling around. Seriously, why would anyone try to start going down knowing your boyfriend is on the phone to his mum? In reverse, I once tried to just kiss her on the back of her neck while she was talking on the phone to her dad and I got one hell of a lambasting about being disgusting and sex obsessed?!


5 - not this one


6 - Oh boy, so much of this. Even if she comes to my place, I have to go and collect her and bring her to me.


7 - yes yes yes yes yes. I'm slow, I'm old, I'm grumpy, I'm rubbish at this that or the other. She once outright told me "you're not funny and should stop trying". When I got annoyed at that she got defensive and told me it was a joke and I needed to learn to take these things. If I ever, EVER do it in return, she's outright shouted at me that my "jokes" aren't jokes but are just veiled attempts to have a dig at her. Pot, kettle?


Another noted by someone:


Not having any remaining friends from certain points of their lives when they said they had friends.

-Sign of a manipulator who used up all the good will of that group.


I get hundreds of stories of x friends and y groups and so on, yet since I've met her she's had noone at all as a friend.




This has been a useful thread... although I am likely going to be leaving her tonight, would've been handy to know some of these things a few months ago.

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Gee, what you all have gone through sounds awful! This dealbreaker pales in comparison to all of yours, but "Hates the city we live in". This indicates to me that she will move to a faraway country just after I get really attached to her and we will languish in a LTR and then break up. 1 year out of my life gone. So I would be happiest knowing that my date likes living in our current location.

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