after you cross the line of friendship into dating will it never be the same?

[caughtinabadon]

hey ENAers,

 

i'm somewhat torn at the moment on what to do

 

Basically I have been friends with the girl for over 6 years. We met through family friends and were basically teens in high school at the time. I didn't find her attractive back then (15 and 17 yrs old respectively) and we were just good friends and kept in touch while hanging out occasionally.

 

Fast forward to now in college, she's 21 and i'm 23 and we are both local at our respective universities. I have been in multiple long term relationships since we first met and she has been good friends with me through it all and knows exactly why they failed and occasionally makes fun of my exes because I was so different from them (in a good way). Basically my personality didnt mesh well with these girls in the end and she helped me get over them. After reflecting on the past, I have realized that I have basically been emotionally cheating with this girl while just in those relationships for the physical aspects.

 

She knows me better than any previous gf has, enjoys similar hobbies, music, styles, and possesses an amazing personality (in part do to being in each others lives for so long and basically influencing each other). She has been really flirty this past month, dropping lots of hints that she likes me and we talk a whole lot more than in the past. I have seen her more in these past months than all those years combined.

 

so basically I am extremely attracted to her, she is gorgeous and everything i've always wanted in a relationship with a girl but am just realizing now after going through some horrible break ups and essentially emotionally cheating with her while I was in them.

 

On the contrary, I would be crushed if I lost her as a friend and am confused about the fine line of friendship and relationship and how they affect each other. I think we could have a fulfilling relationship, but I don't even know where i'll be in a year when I graduate. Do you think it's worth pursuing or should I keep it strictly platonic? We could very well grow distant in the future as nothing is certain, and I would be naive to think otherwise.

 

anyone have any advice or personal experience on the subject matter? I need to think this out before I risk losing a great friend from a failed summer fling...

[ncoconut]

With my experience (my own and through observation) things can never be exactly how they were before. But, since you've started having feelings for her, can you both push them aside? If she really is an amazing friend and will be with you for years to come, stay friends until you decide what you really want. She will be around. But if you do go for it, you never know how things could end.

[SetFree]

Unless you are sure you want to risk losing her as a friend, don't try dating her. I was very close friends with my ex before we dated, and we were sure that we would stay friends if we tried dating and it didn't work out. But it didn't work out, and due to how the breakup was carried out, we don't even talk anymore. Trust me, it's not worth the risk.

[mactownman]

I agree with SetFree and have had a similar experience. If you date a friend, your relationship with that person will never be the same. I was best friends with a girl for ~ 10 years. We did everything together, liked the same things, similar personalities, very compatible, etc. We really cared about each other. There was always kind of a weird sexual tension thing, but either we were in other relationships, at different colleges, etc.

 

Eventually, our paths crossed at a point where we were both available and living close to each other. We hooked up one drunken night. Kinda crazy and afterwards I regretted it as I knew things were going to change between us. I really valued our friendship and the dynamic of our relationship dramatically changed, transitioned into a sort of FWB situation. This too, occurred with reluctance on my part, with her initiating and becoming very flirty, obivously wanting to be with me. Everntually, she wanted a relationship. Here is the key point, trust your gut. I knew I should have stopped this and salvaged our friendship before anyone got hurt. I did not listen to my gut and decided to give it a try.

 

I liked the girl, she is beautiful, intelligent, cool, and since we are best friends, certainly we will be a good couple, right? Regardless, we will always be friends, right?

 

Everything was great for almost 3 years, then she left me for another guy. It was all very strange, her coldness, her willingness to abandon me. Particularly after it was her pushing so hard in the beginning.

 

Needless to say, we are no longer friends and I don't know if we ever will be again. It's a tough pill to swallow. So no, once you cross the line things will never be the same between you two. Think long and hard on this one. Looking back, I regret my decision to take our relationship to the next level. We had a wonderful relationship, but it cost me my best friend.

[notquitepsycho]

I would be careful. I attempted to date a friend, it didn't work out. Fortunately we were able to be mature after the breakup. But it hasn't been three months yet and he's already pressuring me to get more back into the friendship role, and I'm not ready to jump into things yet. Even the sanest people and the gentlest breakups with no party doing the other wrong can lose a valuable friendship. I'm hoping mine isn't actually fully gone, but I know it will never be the same.

[Doofus]

Friendships do not, in general survive the detour through the bedroom. However, you are not really friends right now, anyway. If she hooked up with someone right now, would you be cool with it? Would she, if you met someone? Sounds like the answer to both is 'no'. The only difference between your relationship now and your relationship if you were to start making out with each other is that you would be making out with each other! I say go for it. The 'friendship' is over regardless. You might as well find out if she's 'the one'.