is it possible to show him i've changed without breaking up?

[liz3290]

This is long, but I really hope somebody can tell me something that will help.

 

My ex and I dated for 3 years, have been living together for 1, and he broke up with me about 1 month ago. He tells me the reason he broke up with me is that he feels like we have issues that need to be worked on, and that he sees that there are issues I need to work on. He is not insisting I work on them, but he feels like they are issues that we as a couple do not have a healthy relationship when they are present. The issues are communication, my frustration issues (sounds horrible, and it is, but basically I was using him as a punching bag), and my dependency issues. He basically feels like I will not truly work on the issues unless we are broken up, because he wants the reason I work on them to be for myself, and not just because I want to get back together. After we broke up, I moved into my aunt's house, in the same city, for a couple weeks. He said that he needed space, and I was trying to give it to him. When we met up about 2 weeks after the breakup, we talked for a couple hours about the relationship, and the issues, and everything. Then we made out and had sex. During the making out I apparently (I thought he did, he informed me I did) suggested that we try dating. It would be a chance for us to reconnect, try new things together, and give us time to fix the issues. Well, last night we had our date, and it was nice. It was cooking dinner together and then watching a movie together. After that we went on a walk, and talked. During the talk, we said a lot of good things, but at the end of it he told me that he just thought we weren't right for each other. He says that we are too different, aside from the issues, but he also couldn't tell me how those differences were deal breakers. I just don't know what to do. I love him with all my heart and I just know there has to be some other way to show him I'm working on the issues for me without breaking up.

 

The thing for me, is that I saw our breakup as a wake-up call. I realized that I wasn't working on the issues when we were together, and I realize now that they need to be addressed. The thing is I don't know how to make him see that the issues are being worked on for me. I mean until I get over him (not for a while, this was true love), there's gonna be a part of me that still wants to work on the issues because that's the only problem with us. The differences are not dealbreakers, and we just have so much love for each other, it just doesn't make sense to be apart.

 

I just love him with all my heart, and he says that he still loves and cares about me too. He doesn't want this break-up, but he doesn't see any other way for me to work on the issues for the 'right' reason. I asked him if he would be thinking of other ways we could do this without breaking up and me still working on them for the right reason, and he said that he would be thinking of ways, but that he hadn't come up with any yet. I mean I just know how I feel about him, and about us, and I just don't want to give up on us. I know that we are good together, and I just don't want to lose him.

 

I guess I should also state that currently we have an apartment together which we have leased until August 2012, and there is no way we would be able to find anyone to sublease. So we're pretty much stuck in this living situation, which I see as good, because I see it as time to show him I'm working on the issues, but at the same time bad, because of how he feels.

 

If anyone has any questions about our situation, or any comments or helpful advice at all please let me know. I want to fix this, I just need help as to how.

[Edmund Exley]

Is counseling an option? People generally dont believe people can/do change. A counselor can help convince changes can be made.

[liz3290]

I think being at the stage we are, it's no longer possible to even potentially suggest that. According to a friend it is just going to take a lot of time and patience, but I'm just so worried that if I completely let go of the relationship, then he will move on. I mean overall I think that this breaking up is a silly idea, but I don't know how to show him that, so it's like we have to do this but it might be the worst possible thing for us. I'm worried he's making a bad choice, and that completely letting go will ruin us.