Can i ever trust her again?? Is this too much to forgive?

[waric]

Ive been dating J for 3 and half years and we got engaged the valentines day before last in paris. I always kinda saw us as this idyllic couple and had complete trust in her. Shed mention guys from work and stuff and I always thought we were so open we could laugh about it all even flirting and stuff. Ill be honest I liked that level of openness and honestly felt there was nothing we wouldn’t tell each other.

 

I knew shed been checking my phone. I cottoned on to the fact that when I went to the shower id come back and it had moved a bit. And so one fine day, being slightly amused at her cheeking mine, I had a quick look at her phone. I found it had facebook app with the password saved and suddenly I had access to her facebook. I swear I never expected anything. Just a little snoop but I never expected anything at all. And then i saw it. Messages from this guy JH. First thing I saw said, “I wish you were here for a snuggle” to which he replied “a naughty snuggle or a boring snuggle?” and of course the response read “a naughty one xxxxxx”. I read through what had to be hundreds of messages and found lots similar. Lots of her asking for a massage. Lots of quite sexually suggestive little patches of conversation. A lot of it was mundane talking about work etc, I think especially in the beginning, but where it lead to the last few months of conversation clearly crossed a line.

 

So yeah,.. it’d been quite a morning. It effected me so much I was physically shaking waiting for her to return. In the end I just packed my case and ran out the door before shed got back leaving her phone open on the message and propped up so she could see. I ran down the road just trying to get away but within minutes shed pulled up beside me in her car. I wasn’t going to but she begged me to get in just to give her a chance to explain. I guess I wanted to know more so I got in to find out exactly what had been going on.

Now this guy apparently was a “friend” from work who had recently left for another job. She said shed never mentioned him as she wasn’t sure whether having a new male friend would be ok. The first thing she said really was shed been lonely and felt we were drifting apart and this guy who was just a friend was someone she could really talk to. He by the way also had a girlfriend. She said she’d already stopped talking to him and knew it was wrong and that really shed only ever wanted me. She said she was flattered by the attention and most of what she said in these messages she didn’t mean. It was just being “a bit flirty”.

 

At around this point I said I wanted to sit down and read the whole transcript between them as Id only really had ten minutes to flick through. I wanted to read all of it in order to try and understand. That’s when, what would be for me the hardest part of all this, came to light. It seems she had painted a picture of me as some awful uncaring boyfriend. One day in particular came to mind when I took her out, we went ring shopping, we went to our favourite little tapas restaurant, had a drink after but then I had to get a train home. Now within an hour of me leaving her and saying I love you, shes messaging this guy and he asks how her day had been and she said “Yeah my boyfriend actually took me out HAHAHA!!!” theres other instances but continually she talks of me with a kind of amused contempt. When he asked how we got engaged she said “he can be alright sometimes.” And this is kinda how she approached talking about me with this guy. And he of course played the shoulder to cry on very well. At one point she even said she was looking for a new boyfriend.

 

Now the way she explains all this is that she just wanted him to feel sorry for her to get some attention. She swears they never met though they live very close. She felt lonely as we live some distance apart and needed someone to talk to. And from there, she says, it kinda just got out of hand. The stuff about me, she said was needed to justify talking to him but really she said she never meant any of it. All she can do is say shes sorry. She said shed already stopped talking to him. However at first she was reluctant to delete him off of her facebook. It was about a week after I found out before she did.

 

Now we are meant to be working through this, but this has come to mean really me working through it. I feel after all she said about me a pressure to make things better for her and to try and make sure she doesn’t get lonely again. I guess its insecurity. That’s what I feel now, sad betrayed and completely insecure. Her going out with friends from work has taken on a whole new meaning. I guess this thing took so many lies over so long to cover up, that I wonder how on earth can I ever trust her again. The thing is I love her. I love her so very much and I wish this hadn’t happened. But It has.

 

Not sure what the right thing is to do? Not sure I trust her at all right now but will I in time? How to get things back on track? Should I even try to? Can you trust someone you know has lied to you?

[Tresha]

I'm sorry She's lining up the next guy so she won't have to be alone when she leaves you. IMO, she's got a foot out of the door already. This is how affairs start. This is how she has taught the people she works with to view you. She's making you the guy on the other side.

 

Why have you two been engaged over 2 years? She feels you have been slipping away? I think that may be the root of the cause and may be worth looking at if you want to save it. Personally, I know from experience, once you start feeling contempt or apathy for someone, the chances of turning that back into love are slim to none.

 

Ask any partner of an alcoholic/addict. Once its dead, its dead. No amount of recovery (even from an illness or disease) can light that spark again. I think humans just require a safe place to bloom love. Once bitten ... no longer safe ... no bloom.

[waric]

I guess the way I’ve chosen to see this, as it mainly happened via phones and online and never progressed to anything further, is as something forgivable. I am trying to address the issues she raised, ie by being there more. It strikes me though that something has changed. I've changed through all this. I think so has she. There’s more silence. She swears blind though that she only wants me and is willing to do anything to make this ok. She’s had her chance to get out but hasn’t taken it. She says that if shed wanted to go she would of but shes still here. She says that nearly loosing me has made her love me more than ever.

 

So what do i do? Trust is still a massive issue here. I don’t trust so much about her since all this. But she’s saying and doing all the right things. Do I fight for this chance? Or take this all as a massive warning sign and maybe get out?

[egdelhp]

I'm in your boat completely where I found out something I shouldn't have in discovering my wife was having an affair (two actually.. one emotional with one guy, and one physical with another) and I was painted to a number of people to be an awful husband.

Upon confronting her the obvious deny deny until I convince her I know by citing specific examples of lies and visits I know about.

Now I live with the choice... leave or stay and see if I believe that she wants to love me and be trusted again.

Or is it she's hanging on to save herself the embarrassment of being the cheater ??

 

I wish i knew.

[xyzzzz]

i know what your talking about OP.my bf does the same,verbally flirting to many many random girls. but to me..he is also very nice and sweet,and gives me lots of attention too. at one point he says it's completely just "messing around" with other girls and nothing serious involved and he wouldnt do anything serious either,and he doesnt get why im pissed. at the other point he says he'll stop if that makes me happy. i've asked around for advise too. and many people say to me it's a red flag but there is also a guy saying my bf is just social and the sweet talk makes women happy so why not. and he would say the same thing as my bf does, to people he has no interest in whatsoever.

i dont know how you feel about your gf OP,but if you believe she is a nice girls and she loves you,you can give her a chance.there is a chance she's a liar/cheater but also she may really just have made a stupid mistake, i gave my bf a chance and so far it's all sweet..i mean, it doesnt completely sound like she;s bullcrapping. i actually can understand where she's from. and sometimes you dont know why your saying certain things to another guy and actually you dont mean it at all.sometimes you can simply just be upset/pissed and start saying/doing things you'll regret later,and all those "OMG what am I doing! "moments..

everyone has secrets and they arent meant to be found out..i guess you have some too,during the past few YEARS, which will also hurt your gf.but im sure you dont mean it at all.

but it's all up to YOU. i just think it's not wrong to forgive her this time. but if you dont feel she deserves it,then drop her.