Female Dumpers: What's the Logic of Defriending Ex's on Facebook

[oscarthaslouch]

Quick rundown, she dumped me 2 months ago, and 2 weeks after I went NC to heal...haven't checked her or her friend's Facebook. I've actually been doing all the right steps in healing so once NC started I wasn't doing anything dumb. It's not like my photos or status updates were screaming "Look at me, I'm moving on" or any of that BS. I feel like I was doing the same things on there I was prior to the relationship which may include the usual status update or photo/videos of something cool that I've done over the weekend. I was debating defriending her at some point but didn't because I didn't see the point but then again I almost did it as I didn't want her to see what I was upto and didn't want her to think that what I was doing was an attempt for her to notice; if that makes sense.

 

I didn't want her to see any of my new photos or status updates or who I was becoming friends with so as I went to alter my privacy settings on her last night and it became apparent that she de-friended me. The relationship ended because she lost the spark/attraction for me too so I doubt she did this to "move on" from me or to prevent her from seeing what I was up to as I very much doubt she cares. It kind of hurt though because the breakup wasn't bad, I wasn't mean or nasty, yea I did beg/plead for 2 weeks but it def was not every day and when it sunk in that it was over I went NC (stopped checking her FB too), and stopped being needy and holding on.

 

What's the deal though? It's not like I was checking up on her, on the contrary I was just trying to put up some boundaries as I don't want her to see what I'm upto. And it's not like I've been sitting here the past 6 weeks down in the dumps over her I've made good steps in moving on. Just kind of hurt by it and shocked because I never thought she would do that and YES, I understand the relationship's over and in reality we aren't friends but we were FB friends for a couple years prior to our relationship so just weird to see that she would make that kind of move.

 

This happened in the past couple weeks because I went to block her a couple weeks ago but didn't do it as I didn't see the point since I was not/have not been checking up on her. I honestly have not checked up on her since NC but when you go to block someone you can see if they're friends with you or not so I know a couple weeks ago we still were; when I went to alter privacy settings last night it became apparent that we were not.

 

Guys also feel free to comment please as the more outside perspectives I can get the better.

 

And yes also, it really doesn't matter that she did that because we really aren't friends at this point but again, it's on my mind and I'm curious as to the logic behind it because I don't think that it's ever been her M.O. to do that. If you want to say "Who cares, it's over and don't worry about it/it doesn't matter"; I appreciate that and maybe it's for the best but just looking for some perspective.

 

Thank you!

[1m50L0nl3y]

Do unto others before they do unto you my friend.

Obviously changing your privacy settings got her angry, she was expecting you to beg ... Her ego went down the drain. To get even she unfriended you.

This means she has a degree of interest. Dont breack NC, keep it up. She will eventually collapse because she lets her emotions show.

[oscarthaslouch]

Thanks for the reply 1m50L0nl3y. It actually wasn't that way and sorry if I didn't clarify: She defriended before I altered my privacy settings so this isn't a case where I did to her and then she got upset and did it right back to me.

 

She's not the type to do something like this and I highly doubt she cares what I'm doing in my life or would even bother to check my FB so I don't think this was a move on her part to "move on or forget" because since she was the dumper, she probably already has.

 

Not holding for straws here neither I know that it's over it's just bugging me because I wonder what I have done to cause this...not like I'm posting up love songs on my status or pics of me with girls neither.

[oscarthaslouch]

Gaining some clarity

 

1) Could be that she's with a new man and doesn't want me to see

2) Maybe she doesn't want me to know what she's upto also

3) She possibly got tired of my status updates/pics/friend adds showing up on her News Feed and wanted to remove me from the picture

4) She perhaps is moving on and not looking back which is cool but she is not one to be dramatic enough to defriend.

 

*Her friends are still friends with me so I'm ruling it out it was because I did something psycho/weird, which I haven't.

[elcie]

I wouldn't take it too personally!

 

Although you wrote that you didn't feel the need to defriend her in order to move on and maintain NC, perhaps she did feel the need to do it. We all have different ways to move on after a breakup, and this is her way.

 

Please don't try to work out her motives, just concentrate on your own healing.

[ambigram]

Could be too that she wants to add the 'new guy' as a friend and doesn't want to have to explain to him who you are? Just a thought...

[oscarthaslouch]

Yea I think that's the hard part is not taking it personally. One time she said how one past ex defriended her and we laughed abt it so ever since then I was like if it ends, I don't want to be that dramatic dude defriending. And I assumed she wouldn't do the same either. Make an ass out of myself by assuming right, ha.

 

But regardless, YOU ARE RIGHT, I'm probably looking to much into this and working out her motives is useless.

 

I mean the good thing is that despite it, I don't feel that initial physical pain I did those first 2 weeks post BU so this has helped me notice the progress I've made. And also, to me it seems like a low-blow in a sense although if that's what she needs to do then cool, but yeah, it takes her off that pedestal which is good too.

[oscarthaslouch]

Could be too that she wants to add the 'new guy' as a friend and doesn't want to have to explain to him who you are? Just a thought...

 

Could be ambigram but honestly we never hit each other up on FB when dating, had maybe less than a handful of pics together and ever since BU I've stayed away from her on FB and haven't been doing some usual dumpee mistakes such as liking status/comments, posting on her wall, untagging from pics of us.

 

I don't think she would have done this to add the new guy because she is some what cold-hearted and I don't think she'd take my feelings in consideration to do so. Maybe she is, and if there is a new guy then defriending me would be a good move but really, since I wasn't checking up on her (because I know it hurts to do so), I'm just like what the hell.

[elcie]

Sometimes, when things like this happens, it gives you a chance to experience how you feel, and how far you've progressed. It's good that you have recognized this!

 

All my best wishes to you!

[Snowy]

Yeah Oscar man, no need to think about this too much.

 

I'm guessing she just wants you out of her life lol. No more drama. (Not saying that there are any to start with)

 

Blocking the ex makes moving on so much easier.

[lana111]

for me it was...

 

just bc i dumped him doesnt mean i dont have any feelings for him. i didnt want to see what he was up to just as much as he didnt want to see what i was up to. thats why i blocked him. no hard feelings, just didnt want to go down that road.

[thatguy42]

My ex defriended me after 3 weeks of no contact. Beats me what made her take so long to decide to defriend me.

[oscarthaslouch]

Yeah that's what I don't get really.

 

I got to sleep on this another night because right now half of me is excited to get some kind of reaction from her (lame, I know) and the other half is kind of offended as it seems petty.

 

But then again, could be any of the 4 reasons earlier...wish I knew but it really doesn't matter and I absolutely will not try to find out.

[ChellyV]

maybe she is going on strict NC too and facebook is just a stumbling block for her...who really knows. but i guess that is the best for the both of you.

 

don't think about it too much although i too, would probably have the same reaction as you. but then again, facebook will only drag you to the temptation of "looking" so its best that none of you can keep tabs of what is happening with each other.

 

i am on 4 months post BU, never attempted to search on facebook. guess i was afraid of the impact. and i kept it at that.

[Danny77]

Good call.

My ex fiancée started untagging and deleting photos of us together after 3MONTHS?

I took it as she has finally realized that I'm not gonna come begging.

Why would anyone take the time to do these things if they're fully over you right!

 

So I blocked her and didn't look back.

It hurt me to do it but if she's still thinking about you then it's possible that she'll pull some testing moves to see where you're at and that can hurt you believe me.

 

Stay unfriended and happy that she did it.

If she friends you again then don't accept if you're still the littlest bit sad by the breakup.

 

Only when you're fully healed can you friend again. (that's if you'll want to by then)

 

good luck.

[oscarthaslouch]

Much respect to you ChellyV!

 

Thank you for understanding where I'm coming from as I was expecting a deluge of "Who cares, shes not your GF" comments haha but honestly those would have been helpful and right too.

 

I admire your strength to stay away from FB, I initially would look her up (before NC started) only to be crushed by photos of her out and about. But for anyone else reading this, if you get weak and look at their photos, don't look too much into them having a good time and smiling. YOU CANNOT know what they're thinking and likewise when they see a photo of you happy they think that you are cheery and moved on; which is rarely the case so the sword cuts both ways.

 

All in all I'm proud who I haven't checked her FB as I know it was causing me pain and even though yesterday stung, it is no where similar to those initial 2 weeks when I was holding for hope and it's weird now she is starting to become a distant memory; which I think the defriending served as a catalyst for.

[tresqua]

I'm surprised anyone would even wonder why an ex would defriend them.

 

I've done it to all my ex's (I was the dumper), without a second thought.

 

I have no further use for them in my life, I don't want to see their faces, or read their posts, they've outlasted their usefulness, they'ree "history" and I look at life through the windshield not the rearview mirror.

 

Besides it's sort of creepy to think they might be watching me. They might not be but hey you never know, and if they aren't watching me then again, it makes sense to defriend them because I sure as heck have no interest in knowing what they might be up to. It's just a waste of bandwidth.

[greywolf]

She wants to move on too so maybe that's what she had to do.

 

The whole point of NC is to worry about yourself only and not keep on obsessing about what your ex is up to. So, who cares why she de-friended you. You're working on yourself, trying to heal. Don't worry about her.

[doyathink]

Yeah Oscar man, no need to think about this too much.

 

I'm guessing she just wants you out of her life lol. No more drama. (Not saying that there are any to start with)

 

Blocking the ex makes moving on so much easier.

 

I totally agree. I defriended my ex bc my life is none of his business anymore, and like snowy said I just want him out of my life. ALL of my life.

[thekid55]

No one knows the absolute answer, but I've seen this happen in multiple circumstances.

 

I can you personal insight to when I was the dumper and dumpee.

 

Dumpee- I de-friended her and her friends a month after the breakup. I couldn't rack my brain anymore trying to read in between the lines of her statuses, photos, etc. I felt like a stalker and I hated that feeling. I needed to rid my mind of that constant torment. We don't think logically after a breakup and Facebook/Twitter/Tumblr can be the absolute devil. I didn't want to live that way anymore. As much as I didn't want to get rid of the FB connection, it had to go for my healing. I had to untag myself in all of our photoes because I was a mess. She kept them tagged and after we got back toigether, I asked why she kept them tagged and she said that she didn't want to forget about those great memories. It's trivial, but I figured the answer would help ENAers.

 

Dumper- When I dumped my new girl about two months ago to get back with my ex, I removed her off of Facebook and twitter immediately. We only dated for two weeks, but she was sooo into me and I had to just let her go. My ex and I had a 2.5 year relationship and I still loved her,so I needed to see where it could go. I didn't want to hurt the new chick anymore, so I just removed everything to help her move on because I truly felt bad for her.

 

Bottom line, social media is part of our everyday lives. There's no getting around it. Older ENA posters may think SM is dumb, but it's here to stay and advice needs to be given for these situations. Your best bet is to removed her from all social media outlets. That includes friends, pictures, whatever. It's all about your healing now.

 

Remember too, women are creatures who make decisions off of their current emotions. Nothing is ever set in stone, but you must live for today because tomorrow is never promised. Be the best you today.

[swann]

My question is "why hasn't she blocked/removed me from her FB?" My guess is she doesn't care so what does it matter? She just updated her profile pic and of course she appears to be having the time of life. Most likely is. I keep saying I'm going to block her but haven't pulled the trigger yet. I guess I'm just holding on to that FB connection? I can say it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it use to. I just thought she would block me but hasn't.