why are some wives so dependent on their husbands?

[phasegirl]

This is not to bash anyone who fits the bill, but simply to seek answers.

 

I am very close to my brother, and ever since I was a child, this has always been the case. When I got married, my husband and my brother became best friends because my brother is my best friend. In fact, my husband also had his own sister as his best friend, and I was very happy about this, and never felt like she was taking away time from me and my husband when his sister phoned him and spoke for hours on end.

 

But for some reason, my brother's wife (whom don't get me wrong, I love as a sister), is very dependent on her husband (my brother). For instance, when I went to visit them (they are 6 hours away by plane), she was upset because she wanted my brother to spend time with her instead. Her complaint was that he takes time off to see me, but never for her. We winded up doing what she wanted to do, and that was the end of it.

 

BUT, now that I"m home, the only time that I really get to speak to him is when he's driving home from work, (which is fine by me as he has a long commute and the time is enough). Plus we only speak once a week anyway. But even then -she's always calling him to talk to him. I wind up thinking, "can't they talk when he gets home??"

 

I remember when I went to visit them, she would text my brother when she's leaving the house, coming back, when the baby would laugh, when the baby would sleep, I mean, everything!

 

Even on facebook, when I post something up, she answers mentioning his name, which makes me feel uncomfortable because I am a bit private and don't want people to know what my family members names are.

 

So my question is, why are there some women who are extremely dependent on their husbands, constantly texting, calling, and feeling jealous when they spend time with their families? That's another thing - my brother is not allowed to travel alone to visit me and our mother, because he has to take her and the children as well and this he cannot afford, so he can't come visit. And the thing is that he doesn't mind because she literally slaves for him: She cooks gourmet for him every day, and pretty much treats him like a king, and other things most women don't do (no offense)

 

Yet, I find her to be too dependent on him. Am I wrong thinking this? Why are women so dependent like that on their husbands??

[annie24]

I'm guessing they are insecure and are afraid that he will fall to the charms of another woman (yes, even his sister!) if they are apart for 5 minutes. And she probably wants to be #1 in his life. Which of course, she is, but I guess she feels threatened that he loves another woman as well. I think it's a lot of insecurity.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm guessing they are insecure and are afraid that he will fall to the charms of another woman (yes, even his sister!) if they are apart for 5 minutes. And she probably wants to be #1 in his life. Which of course, she is, but I guess she feels threatened that he loves another woman as well. I think it's a lot of insecurity.

 

I agree. I'm moving 4,000 miles from my family (over seas) and my fiancé and I both with kids won't always be able to go, it will more than likely just be me and our kids. It happens.

[tinkerbellkj]

I gotta be honest, my husband works all day and by the time he gets home I feel its pretty important that he spend most of his time with our son, rather than on the phone "for hours on end." My husband is extremely social and of course talks on the phone, but he does make a lot of his phone calls on his way home from work, which is his decision, not mine, because he does want to spend time with our son before he goes to bed. Just my opinion, not everyone will agree.

[OptomisticGirl]

I gotta be honest, my husband works all day and by the time he gets home I feel its pretty important that he spend most of his time with our son, rather than on the phone "for hours on end." My husband is extremely social and of course talks on the phone, but he does make a lot of his phone calls on his way home from work, which is his decision, not mine, because he does want to spend time with our son before he goes to bed. Just my opinion, not everyone will agree.

 

I think that's different though. I see nothing wrong with that but when someone is visiting you your suppose to spend time with them, especially if you don't see them but once in a blue moon - not spend your every waking minute with the people you see on a daily bases.

[tinkerbellkj]

Just playing devils advocate, because I CAN see the perspective of the wife. First let me say that my husband and I have ALWAYS done things apart (ie. me flying to Boston to my family, him going on 5 day cruises with his buddies, girls night, guys night etc). However, we discuss everything prior to it occurring and decide if it is a good idea for our family. For example, I will be flying to see my family very soon alone with our son to visit my family. I was initially going to go for 15 days, but he said he thought that was too long for him to be away from Mark, so we compromised on 10 days.

 

The OP has stated that her SIL was upset because her brother can never take any days off and works a lot, therefore, probably not spending a whole lot of time with his family. So I can understand that she wanted to spend time with him and the kids. I DO think that since the OP came to visit they should have done what she wanted, and perhaps she and her brother could have done lunch alone and then spent the rest of the day together doing something of the OP's choice. As a mom of a young child I can understand HER need for a break and her husbands help for the day. Now, if he were able to take some time off for just her and their children, I can definitely see him spending time alone with the OP, but it sounded like a one off.

 

But, again, just playing devils advocate. Personally, I try to stay out of people's marriages, because they will decide what works the best for themselves as a family.

[Angel Irulan]

You're missing the message: there is trouble in paradise! And it's between your brother and his wife. STAY OUT OF IT! Give it at least one year or so before you mention it to your brother that his wife seems jealous and possessive around you. Then see what he says. It could be the result of the new baby, or a zillion other things.

 

Sorry this happened to you!

Angel

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree that things need to be discussed before doing them - I wouldn't just hop on a plane for 2 weeks to come visit my mom without discussing it with L first! - but I guess I see it from the other side. Even if the OP's brother never takes time off for his wife and kids while yes, that is a problem, it's not her the OP's. It's between him and his wife and if I hopped on a plane or drove for 6 hours and was made to feel like the person I was visiting (who is my family) couldn't spend time with me without spending time with the people he sees every day, I would honestly be a little mad, especially if the wife doesn't let her husband fly to see the family without her and the kids (which in this day and age is expensive!) and so therefore he doesn't get to see them. If I'm paying for a plane ticket, I would expect to be able to spend some alone time with the person I flew to meet - if not me, personally, I would say fine, the SIL can pay for my plane ticket next time.

[lady00]

I would say the reason is that the husband allows it to continue without saying anything because he likes things the way they are and has no desire for things to change. I would imagine she has been like this since they became a serious couple so he knew that is how things were going to be and it works for him so she has continued the behavior. I can't say how a married woman should act since I'm not married. I think it's just different arrangements work for different people. Some of my married friends are the same way, others are far more "independent" (for lack of a better word). I don't think either is right or wrong but I think whatever a woman chooses, it continues because the husband likes it that way or doesn't feel like it is worth the conflict to raise the issue.