Is he too good to leave? Should I stay?

[Lookin4Answers]

I've been dating my boyfriend for just over 6 months and I constantly bounce back and forth from really enjoying his company and feeling like I love him, to debating whether or not we are compatible and should end things. I'll do my best to keep this objective, and as short as possible. We are both males (gay), and our relationship is also somewhat "open" meaning we are aloud to be physically intimate with other guys, as long as it's safe and we talk about it. Lately we have been trying to befriend guys first to expand our social circle, and then if "fun" follows, even better!

 

We met through mutual friends over a year ago. Became friends. Decided to become roommates and found a place together, with a third roommate.

 

We lived together for 4 months and then we started flirting, being intimate, etc.

 

5 Months in we started dating. It was really nice Those memories are wonderful.

I was always a bit nervous about long term compatibility, but I chose to live in the moment. I think everyone doubts their compatbility a little bit in the beginning, and I can be prone to intense bouts of critical thinking... it's been normal in all my past relationships. For living together so early on in our relationship I honestly think we manage things very well. We barely argue about household chores and have the same values about keeping a home running smoothly.

 

He has a ton of excellent qualities and gives me a lot. He's funny, physically sexy, great in bed, very smart, and caring when I am having a rough day. I am anxiety prone, and he has held me while I am having panic attacks. He doesn't overthink my emotional reactions (I can be quite reactive). By this I mean that he simply understands that I am human and have emotions, and nothing more than that. I tend to be a very "big picture" thinker. When times are rough, this signals "doom and gloom" to me. My response is to break things off and flee. This time I am not sure if that is the right reaction because he can be so loving.

 

With some prodding he will open up and talk about his emotions and even our potential future together. He isn't as emotional as me, but I've seen him cry, and he's told me he's scared to think too far ahead. The future terrifies him.

 

Our problems come from a few key areas. He hates planning and has poor time management skills. He is a graduate student so I know he is busy, but I find that he often doesn't make time to plan much of anything for us to do. He says he likes to do the same activities I like (outdoors activities, the gym, rock climbing, the beach, hiking, etc.) but he fails to plan the activities. We usually default to easy tasks like videogames, or movies at home. Enjoyable, but not what I always want to be doing. With all do respect to him, we do bike to work sometimes, and gym together now. He also has adjusted to my "early bird" sleep patterns so we rise and fall on the same schedule. He openly admits he wants to be on this schedule, but that it's just a lot harder for him. He's very "in the moment" and I am VERY planned ahead...

 

We also have a bit of a problem when it comes to the "open" part of our relationship. I admit, I am the one that started that conversation. But with all due respect to myself, he KNEW well in advance how my mind works regarding monogamy before we even laid one finger on each other. He knew back when we became roommmates and were nothing more. I stressed during our whole "courtship" that this aspect of me would not change. He tells me he is OK with it, and even now after we have a debate relating to the topic, he still reassures me that he wants non-manogamy as well. I've told him it is absolutly OK if he doesn't want non-manogomy, but he has to be honest with himself. He still says he wants it.

 

He's also very playful as a person. He likes pranks and practical jokes. He likes play wrestling, surprising me with splashes of water when I least expect it, and can be pretty energetic. I usually get angry and upset at these instances, unless I am in a very specific, energetic mood myself... He expects me to react positively and playfully, and he doesn't get that response. I then feel guilty, and he is unsatisfied with that part of the relationship.

 

The last issue/concern is that I am moving very soon to a new city. I am starting graduate school myself and we are going to be far apart. Last we spoke, we agreed to give the distance a shot. We plan on video chatting a lot, and planning trips to see each other frequently. We also plan on flying to cheap destinations and travelling a bit together. Both of our graduate programs provide stipends so we will have a bit of cash to live this lifestyle. He is even generous enough to help me move everything to my new location by car. I asked if he is positive that he wants to spend time and money helping me move. He reassured me that he does.

 

The really big issues that get on my nerves are his lack of time management, because I fear it is going to destroy our relationship while I am away. I also fear being "open" while we are gone is going to damage us. I have asked him what he thinks about short term manogamy while we transition to the long distance. He told me he would think about it.

 

The last key point: He has been VERY critical of me the past few days. Almost everything he says is a critical statement about something I did or didn't do. We have been a bit rocky lately, mainly because I have been bringing up a lot of his faults as well (not a good thing...) so I am not reacting to his critical statements. I am trying to be as loving and caring as possible in our last few weeks together before my move. He is also packing to move to a new location in our current town because our mutual lease ends.

 

Bottom line: Am I being overanalytical, too needy, and too quiet? Should I be working with him to make things better? Enjoying our time together and keeping peace? etc?

OR

Should I break it off gently, love him from a distance, and let us both move on to more compatibility? I honestly think he would be blindsided...

 

Somtimes I think my thought processes are too extreme, like this:

 

Doom/GloomFairytale Happy

 

When his thought processes, and many other peoples are like this:

 

Bad Days Good Days

 

After writing all of this, now I feel like I want to stick it out and give it a go with the distance, but I REALLY want as much critical, objective, out of the box feedback that I can get.

Thanks a ton! Even if I am not compatible with this guy, he deserves a lot of thinking before I make this decision.

[Eocsor]

Open relationships rarely work for both people. A lot of times one partner just goes along because they want to keep the other in their life. And unless you are extremely safe and secure in your relationship, it can open the relationship up to a lot of jealousy. Tread with caution there.

[Tryptophan]

I think this type of relationship would fall under the complementary type of relationship, meaning that you two are very different personality wise and complement each other rather than "have things in common". I think it would be a good relationship because you two could use a few things to learn from each other and change together if you're willing to. However, it seems that you're very set in your ways enough to think of the differences as unchangeable. If he's more spontaneous and you're very planned, those are one of the things you just can't change. I am more like him in these sense that I'm spontaneous and I've had people try to get me to plan (even bosses!), and I just can't get myself to do it. I also know that I'm way happier with someone who is accepting of that fact rather than expectant of possible changes.

 

I think another possible issue is your views regarding monogamy. I've also been through something similar. We both thought we would be open to talk about other partners and 'allow' it but we both ended up questioning each other's intentions with each other (he wanted to be 'exclusive' and I didn't—though to be fair, I expressed some jealousy as well). If you both disagree on this particular view, it could end up in jealousy/conflict especially now that it's going to be LDR. A lot of people in the beginning of a relationship think they'll be okay with not being monogamous, but end up realizing that MAYBE they aren't okay with it after all once emotions/attachment come in the picture.

 

Third, if he's not really a planning person, how are you going to 'plan' to meet when you're far apart? He might end up being late, canceling or double-booking. He might stick to it for a while but then give up on it because it's against his usual style of spontaneity. Just ask yourself if you think the LDR thing would work with people with such different time management skills.

 

I think it ultimately comes down to the things you're willing to sacrifice to be with this person. Do the positives outweigh the negatives? Would he be willing to make some changes (if you do as well to be fair)?

 

I hope my input helps and good luck.

[Lookin4Answers]

Thanks Eocsor and Tryptophan,

@ Eocsor: I hear you! I know it's hard for people... but this guy saw me and heard me process my emotions around being in an open relationship WAY before we started dating. If anything, perhaps he got in this with me to see IF he could handle it? I'm not quite sure. We have had several "open experiences" both together, and separate at this point... and his only worries that he made conscious to me were worries of safety... STDs, etc. We have compromised a lot because now we look for mutual friends first, who we could play with on a more trusting level.

 

@ Tryptophan: As silly as it sounds, I checked out our horroscope compatibility a few weeks ago and this is exactly what it says about us... that we have differences, but we are very compatible because of those differences. We actually have the highest rating possible... Haha! Here I go again... looking at just the BIG PICTURE! One thing that I forgot to mention about my guy is that he is excellent at making me critically think, and keeping me grounded, while still letting my imagination soar. He loves that I am a big idea, big thinker kind of guy, but forces me to question everything as well... sometimes he just comes accross as harsh. Maybe I should let him know that I appreciate his feedback a lot, but the delivery catches me off guard? In addition, his core morals and values mimic mine. He is a scientist, and values the potential of humanity and our species. We both love technology, and human progress. We both greatly value our careers and what to make something of ourselves.

 

Nonetheless thanks for the feedback. I'm really hoping for some more!

[Elisian]

In a lot of respects your relationship and the way you approach it sound scarily like the one I was just in, yet in other respects yours is different. My ex and I were also roommates before we got together, we just didn't have the open relationship aspect. And I also tend to over-analyze and have really intense emotions at one extreme or another about a relationship.

 

In my case I ended the relationship because I thought we weren't right for each other, even though there was no concrete reason to do so other than my intense emotions. Yet now I miss him intensely. But what's done is done. Only time and distance will show if the decision was right. So if you decide to break it off, make sure you have some concrete reasons you can list, because if anything it will help you see your decision more objectively and give you support later on so you don't second guess yourself.

 

In your case though I think your hardest obstacle will be keeping the relationship afloat as it transitions into a long distance one. I think in the short run it will strengthen your love for him because suddenly you won't be living with him and you will forget all the bad things and capitalize on the good memories and short times you get to spend together. Communication will be different though. And I think in the long run you might each find someone else unless you eventually plan to move closer to each other again.

 

Well that's my two cents. I'd like to hear how it goes.

[Lookin4Answers]

Elisian,

I think I can identify with you. For the first time I have "strong emotional gut feelings" that I am really really unsure of. I can't place concrete thoughts on anything right now. It really makes me doubt what some call "the gut" or "strong emotions." I also agree that our biggest hurdle now is transitioning to long distance. In many ways I do hope it helps us. We often get so caught up in each others company that we procrastinate terribly. There have been several times where he has asked to take some space, just to accomplish tasks, and me the same. One thing that I like about this is that it's always objective, and I am much happier when we reunite after a day apart.

I'm fearful of the transition, but hopeful.

[Lookin4Answers]

This morning the BF was really critical of me, out of the blue. He snapped at me over something small. I got really angry (internally) and walked away to vent. He noticed and came to apologize. He then brought up previous incidents in the week where he thought I might have been upset. He was spot on.

 

We began a conversation about how I have been feeling worried/sad/upset with him all week. He confessed that he was pretty oblivious. He has been feeling fine about our relationship.

He says all he needs to feel happy with me is to touch me (hug, cuddle, etc.). He's the touchy-feely type.

 

I am the verbal type. I need audible words to feel close. Sometimes I think these are strengths, because we force the other person to connect.

Other times I feel too scared to speak because all he wants is touch. I worry that I am blabbing on and on, and it's annoying him. He has never confirmed those fears to make them reality.

 

Before he left for work he asked me, "So... is there more I should be doing to help you feel closer to me?" I was very happy he asked this. I told him there are things, but that I have to think about my answer because I don't want to rush it off the top of my head. We hugged and bit and he headed out of the door. I told him I don't want him to feel bad either. I don't want him to feel emotional pain for something he was oblivious to. I DO want him to become more talkative and inquisitive, but only if he WANTS to. I don't want to change my partner, or mold him without his free will.

 

Thoughts on this interaction? His behavior this morning showed me that he cares. That he wants to work on it... but I am also worried that he is slowly beginning to think that we are just too different... or is that my own silly fear?