She say's shes not ready for a relationship and doesn't know how to act single

[jjcool00]

I've been seeing this girl for 2 and a half months and things were going swimmingly. I mean fantastic. We were going out often enjoying our time together and she would always hold my hand kiss me in public be very affectionate and constantly tell me how much she liked me. It took me 4 dates to kiss her because I liked her so much I wanted to take things slow so she didn't get the wrong idea about me. After a couple of weeks, I'd say two weeks into the relationship she told me she wanted to talk, so I expected the worst, and it was. She told me she didn't know how to act single and is a relationship type of person thats why she acts the way she does but its taken her a long time to become single again and she doesnt know what to do right now but wanted to back off a bit before "she got too close to me" So I backed off.

 

A couple of days later she came back and things got even better, the first time I saw her again we had sex and I remember telling her that I didn't want to because I didn't want her to get closer to me right away again and end up hurt. But she convinced me that wouldn't happen again so we did. A few more weeks went by and things were becoming quite serious, she ended up giving me the key to her apartment, telling me she wanted me to meet her mom, telling me she missed me so much it made her cry, etc. She went away with her friends for a weekend and when she came back things got weird. We hung out and she was being very distant with me and I remember saying to her "this feels like our first date" which she responded with that she agreed it did feel awkward. The rest of the night went fine she brought up things like how many kids did I want, and I got scared saying I dont know and she freaked out because I got scared saying I'm supposed to be the man and support her and I said of course I would (I didnt tell her til later I was scared because if she keeps pushing me away and I dont know if shes gonna be there tomorrow how can I consider kids?).

 

She even ended up saying "well I dont want to have kids now but maybe in 5 years is that ok?" and i responded with "You can discuss that with the person you're with in 5 years" she said "you mean it wont be you?" and i said "you barely like me now and keep pushing me away you really think youll be with me in 5 years?" in a joking manner and she responded jokingly "true." So overall things went well that night ended up sleeping at her house which i did 9 days in a row... woke up every morning next to her went to work, she even made us lunch, etc. Last Thursday she went down the shore to visit her friends again and this time things got really bad she ended up calling me on friday night after not talking to her all day friday saying she ran into her ex a man she dated for 3 months and ended up hurting him bad because she wasnt ready for a relationship and feels like she is doing the same with me, so i figured id give her time and wait it out. Monday comes around and i didnt hear from her at all so i decide to call and she ignores all my calls texting me saying "its better this way" so I responded with "if youre going to do this at least do it face to face, not by text.." she said she would talk to me tuesday.

 

The whole week she avoided me until three days ago she wouldnt talk to me or respond or nothing. So we texted a bit and she said she felt it was too soon for her to be this close to me and its just that she met me at the wrong time and doesnt know who she is and is really confused and needed time to figure things out, so i responded with take ur time and let me know when youre ready to talk... so she did yesterday and i went to see her. It was really awkward and the conversation went along the lines of her saying shes sorry she hurt me, she never meant to and that she shouldnt of gotten me involved knowing her behavior and it wasnt fair to me, etc. She said she wasnt ready for a relationship and that it was her fault for allowing us to get this close and forcing me to kiss her, have sex with her, etc. I told her she didn't force anything on me and that there's always going to be scenarios that make you think you're not ready. I told her I had not been ready but i fell for her so im willing to fight for her until the end. She was upset and crying because she said she hurt me and did it before to that other guy because she wasnt ready for a relationship then either. So I asked if she wanted to part ways and she said she thought it would be best because she couldnt keep doing this to me pushing me away then being needy and pulling me back.

 

I asked if there was someone else or if she wanted to be with someone else and she said no she just needed to develop her own understanding of how to be by herself and not be with someone just because she needs to be dependent on someone. I ended up telling her the last 2 months were amazing and I wouldnt change it for the world, even if i could go back in time knowing what happened today I would still talk to her and let this have happened. At that point she asked me to take her home saying that I shouldnt of said that? So I did, she asked me if i wanted to get my stuff I said no I'd save that for another time... the whole car ride home she didnt say a word or even look at me... when she walked out of the car she waved, I told her I'd miss her and she said not to say that and left. WHAT HAPPENED? I really love her and I feel like it's something I did... please give me your honest brutal opinions and advice on what to do, if anything...

[DN]

Get your stuff, assume the relationship is over and move on.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

She is the male version of a player...a very good actress...she knows how to cry at the right times. Forget her and don't take her back when she calls you or else you will end up getting sucked into her drama and games again.

[Tingum611]

Honestly, this should have been the end of this situation and story. Everything in your post that occurred after this is just her stringing you along and using you as a doormat and really just treating you terribly. It is really irrelevant as to whether she is a good person or not, or is confused or not, and I will not as a result, even try to get into those things. It is besides the point. The fact of the matter is that she has been enormously unfair to you and you have played along. You have essentially been complicit in your own mistreatment. I agree with the other two responses that you have already gotten here. You need to move on and put her out of your mind. It might be easier said than done, but that is the hazard associated with letting the wrong type of person in. It might be tough, but you can do it, and you will be better off, trust me. Good luck to you.

[jjcool00]

It's just hard for me thinking back of how well things were going, who really gives someone a key to their house and asks them to basically move in then a week later tells you they don't want to be involved anymore? It's just very confusing for me, I know what I must do is let her go, its very difficult for me but I have no choice.

[TakingtheBlame]

It's just hard for me thinking back of how well things were going, who really gives someone a key to their house and asks them to basically move in then a week later tells you they don't want to be involved anymore? It's just very confusing for me, I know what I must do is let her go, its very difficult for me but I have no choice.

 

Frighteningly, I think this may be the second time I've quoted the infamous Judge Judy on these forums, but she has a way with words, and has often said "If it doesn't make sense, then it's not true." This woman wasn't making sense from the start with all of her contradictions in behavior so for whatever reason, she wasn't being truthful about what she wanted from you. She did not love you; she has a pattern of leading men on for her own selfish reasons and then running away. She said all the right things and then acted another way and you chose to listen to her words and not take heed of her inconsistent actions. Classic player behavior, as crazyaboutdogs said...but you fell for it (as most of us do, hopefully only the first time.) Don't give this minor con artist any more of your time and move on to someone who has good intentions and whose words match her actions.

[2much2early]

Obviously this is tough to tell from an internet post so this is purely speculation, but I think there was another guy (or two). Nothing serious, but enough for her to realize she doesn't want to be in something serious that will tie her down. Both times she went away with friends and came back weird. Chances are she had an opportunity and felt guilty because she liked you. She didn't want to feel guilty and have to chose because you aren't in a relationship. She sounds like a quality girl, just confused. The last part where she kept saying "you shouldnt say that", is because you were actually being really sweet and caring as if you two were in a relationship. If she was with someone else, it makes it that much worse for her when you say those things.

 

Remember this has nothing to do with you! Alot of guys (myself included) beat themselves up over these things. You didn't post your age but I'm guessing both of you are around 20-25, where this "self-discovery" and feeling lost comes in. Honestly I think this situation showed you that you're a great guy that this girl could easily see herself in a relationship with. That's why she couldn't help but do all of the cute relationship things with you. But she made up her mind that she wants to be single and "find" herself.

 

Move on and keep your chin up. Do not expect this to play out like a romantic comedy where the girl comes back a year later. For your own sanity, just move on. The next girl might be looking for the same thing as you and will appreciate the relationship approach.

[2much2early]

She is the male version of a player...a very good actress...she knows how to cry at the right times. Forget her and don't take her back when she calls you or else you will end up getting sucked into her drama and games again.

 

I dont agree with this at all. I know lots of girls who are very good at playing games and trust me, they don't give explanations or bother to apologize. They simply do what they want, when they want. If that night they want to play with you, they will (mostly because some other girl wants you). If the next night they want nothing to do with you, they will simply ignore you. This girl told you what was going on (at least as much as you needed to know). Her telling you there are other guys that she wants to try isn't going to help anybody. But her telling you she's confused and doesn't want a relationship is her being straight up. Take it at face value and don't project this back on yourself. This does not reflect on you at all.

[tresqua]

You have not heard the last of her.

[jjcool00]

Obviously this is tough to tell from an internet post so this is purely speculation, but I think there was another guy (or two). Nothing serious, but enough for her to realize she doesn't want to be in something serious that will tie her down. Both times she went away with friends and came back weird. Chances are she had an opportunity and felt guilty because she liked you. She didn't want to feel guilty and have to chose because you aren't in a relationship. She sounds like a quality girl, just confused. The last part where she kept saying "you shouldnt say that", is because you were actually being really sweet and caring as if you two were in a relationship. If she was with someone else, it makes it that much worse for her when you say those things.

 

Thanks I agree with that and now that I have had a day to think about it a little more I believe when she was going away talking to her friends her friends were like, "wait a minute you gave him a key to your house after 2 months? This guy has stayed with you how many days in a row? He's not even your boyfriend yet... whats wrong with you?" and she started to question how fast things were moving and realized that they were right things were moving too fast... She probably realized she does this with everyone as she only has one speed, and thats fast... but honestly i tried to explain that to her that there's no timetable on things like that... if your comfortable with someone being around you everyday after 2 months then let it be. But she responded that day with something like "its not healthy to move this fast, I cant be this close this soon...etc." So I have no choice but to let her go and just get over her... In terms of the other guy thing.. she did say she ran into her ex and felt bad because she dated him for 2 months and did the same thing to him, he was a good guy and ended up hurting him because she wasn't ready for a relationship, she even met his parents.

[jjcool00]

So, it's been since monday, now friday and i've been getting through the heart ache and pain a little easier everyday. I haven't tried to contact her in anyway shape or form. Yesterday night i received a few texts from her saying ""sorry about the other night.. i didnt wanna break down" "i wish u the best... u are an amazing person" and "people come into ur life for a reason.. a season.. or a lifetime... thank you for having been a part of my life" to which I didn't respond... what is she trying to do here? Should I say anything?

[tresqua]

I told you that you haven't heard the last of her.

 

She's obviously got mixed feelings about the breakup but she's leaning towards moving on and saying stuff that gives some sort of finality to help her cement the closing of the deal.

 

I don't suggest any sort of response until and unless you get something along the lines of "I made a huge mistake I want to try again".

 

Odds are she's having a weak moment and the communications will drop off, and that's a good thing for you.

[jjcool00]

Thank you for the input, I haven't responded. I almost did a few times with things like "Well it was a nice season!" or "Stop texting me" or even at my moments of weakness something like "I wish it were a lifetime, not a season" but I haven't and I won't knowing it won't change anything. She's made up her mind and with her saying that at the end "thank you for having been a part of my life" I'm pretty sure she won't try to come back... which hurts but helps me move on.

[banal]

I was with my ex for a lot longer, about a year, but our break up went down very similarly to yours. I heard many of the same explanations, rationalizations, reasons, etc. At the end of the day, it doesn't matter why she broke up with you; whether she was lying to you or cheating on you; whether she had gotten bored with you and wanted to get back with her ex; whether she just wants to go out and sleep with the whole town. What matters is that she's gone. All you can do is move on and maintain no-contact if you need to (sounds like you still do).

 

So maintain that no-contact. If you don't, you might be tempted to try and reconcile with her, and that would be a terrible idea. Think it through. This girl is toxic. Would you really want to be in a relationship with someone who can one minute confess her deepest love to you and in the next throw you away? You need a mature partner, not someone this "lost" and "confused."

[jjcool00]

Thank you all for your input... It has been a week since D-Day and I'm doing a lot better. I still miss her like hell but I am getting over it. I appreciate all of your help and advice... To give you an update I'm still maintaining no contact however she texted me two days ago saying "I knew you would do this...ignore me...it turned out to be just how i thought" "I'm sorry about everything... I know I hurt u... I never meant to... and now your hurting me..." I'm not sure where shes trying to go with this... but I'm standing firm not contacting her... tomorrow is her birthday however... any thoughts?

[DN]

I would tell her that she wanted to be single and on her own and that this is what that means. Wish her happy birthday but ask her not to contact you again as you are going to move on and it is much easier with no contact.

[brandon5359]

I will chime in on yours since you so kind and commented on mine. Your situation is similar to mine minus the child. As hard as it may sound it sounds like she is conflicted with you and the last guy especially when she acted different when she came back from her trip. To me it sounds like she thinks you will wait around on her. That is a definite mistake. My suggestion would be to leave the ball in her court to contact you. If you love them let them be, if they come back they are yours forever, if not, they never were.

[Heron da Cruz]

Hey jjcool00,

 

I wonder if there are any news on the case?

[Danmasta]

she texted me two days ago saying "I knew you would do this...ignore me...it turned out to be just how i thought"

 

That sounds like to me she had an irrational fear of being left by someone, maybe not being good enough, or general insecurity. And maybe her friends did give her bad advice and confused her even further and encouraged her behavior of running away, rather than help her. That would explain why she was distant every time after having spent time with them.. I believe a little in self manifestation. And by having thoughts of leaving always on her mind, she created that ending herself. Either way you sound like a good guy and you deserve someone who knows what they want and can develop a great relationship with you as well. I'm going through a similar thing right now, and NC has really been the best.

[motleylou]

Sorry to hear man but it sounds like she saved you alot of heartache. I think this type of thing I'd typical for girls in their early 20's. My ex was 22 we had just moved in together then 4 weeks later she cheated on me. And I got fed the same generic crap as you. "I need to find myself,don't know where my life's going,I feel like I'm always someones gf." in the end it's all just excuses, so you didn't feel that way 4 frigging weeks ago when we were moving in wish you told me then. And to boot 6 weeks after telling me she wants to be single and doesn't want any type of relationship, she has a new bf and not the kid she cheated on me with. So just keep your head up man these types of stories are everywhere. I'm not sure your age but I'm 24 and probably will try to not get really emotionally invested with a early 20's girl again at least not as quickly as I did with my last one. Stay NC and keep your dignity and pride. She's feeling guilty and is looking for reassurance,well she wanted you out of her life so tough,you can't have your cake and eat it too.

[jjcool00]

Thank you for all your advice guys, and to give you updates I will post what has transpired since it has been another week now....I am 29 she just turned 25 like 10 days ago... I texted her on her birthday saying something to the effect of "hope you have a wonderful day and an even better time celebrating" to which she only replied "thank u" then went back to NC... Fast forward to last night we had a brief discussion via text which started with "hi" then i wrote "im not ignoring you but you've made it clear that you dont want me to be a part of your life anymore, so its easier for me to move on this way" to which she responded with "i never said i dont want to be a part of ur life just cant be a part of ur life like i was before, it was too emotional, too many things going on..." I responded with the fact that i wasnt going to argue with her but she did make it clear by saying "thank you for having been a part of my life" and she said she said that because i told her once i crossed the line i couldnt go backwards and be just friends (which is true) then she had the audacity to say that i will always be so special to her and she misses me dearly, to which i told her to stop playing games and saying such BS to me when she doesnt mean it... pretty much from there out it turned into a small argument about her not playing games and she was just confused and me saying i dont wanna hear it... the last thing she wrote was something like "everything i did for you i meant and everything i said i meant, i was always honest, so dont act like i took advantage of u" to which i responded with "OH I KNOW!!!! and im not saying that at all, bye"