NatashaIsJam Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Hey So, I'm new to this but I basically just wanted to tell my story, and get some advice. My boyfriend of 2 years is really over protective and controlling of me, for example, he made me delete all of my accounts on social networking sites because he didnt want me talking to guys, he tells me i can't go out with my friends because they're a 'bad influence' and he tries to tell me how I can and can't dress. This didn't really bother me before but lately he's been getting worse and doing it way more often. I've tried to tell him that I don't want him controlling me and that it has to stop, but it just causes unnessecary arguments between us. And the worst part is, when we argue about it, he makes me feel like its my fault. He tells me that I should just listen to what he says and then we wouldn't fight. And I might be starting to believe him. Should I just listen to what he says ? Am I getting worked up over nothing ? I don't want to be one of those girls who is in an abusive relationship, but that's what this is starting to feel like. I love him, and I don't want to lose him, but maybe I should get out now, while i still can... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I don't want to be one of those girls who is in an abusive relationship, Then you need to end this relationship...because you are indeed in an abusive relationship. This is a classic emotional abuser. Link to comment
MissLiv Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is an abusive relationship. If you don't get out now it's going to get worse. I'm sorry you're going through this. Be strong Link to comment
NatashaIsJam Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 It's not all as simple as that though. I know I sound just like any other girl, but I love him. I've been with him for so long that it would be weird to be without him. I don't want to be on my own... Link to comment
MissLiv Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I've been in an abusive relationship and I kept saying the same thing. He controlled, belittled me and I stuck around because I swore I "loved" him. The truth was, I just didn't want to be alone. I finally walked out and found a guy that treats me like a queen. This isn't love. Link to comment
NatashaIsJam Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 How do I find the strength to walk away ? I'm scared of being on my own, and he knows it too. I know he'll use it to try to keep me with him. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 You are only 16 years old. You should be focusing on making a life for yourself. You need to work on your self-esteem and knowing how to be without a guy in your life. I have met men and women who can't handle being alone and they end up going from one bad relationship to the next. It actually is better to be alone than with someone who treats you like you are in prison. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 How do I find the strength to walk away ? I'm scared of being on my own, and he knows it too. I know he'll use it to try to keep me with him. How do you feel about only having him? Because first it's the facebook, then it's friends, then it's family. And then you have nowhere to escape to and are stuck in a relationship that's just a jail. How old is your bf? Link to comment
FathomFear Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 It's not all as simple as that though. I know I sound just like any other girl, but I love him. I've been with him for so long that it would be weird to be without him. I don't want to be on my own... I don't want to come accross as an ageist, but to be perfectly honest what you describe is quite normal for teenage relationships. You get attached and have a hard time imaging yourself with anyone else, and due to inexperience it becomes difficult to recognize abusive behavior even when it's right in front of you. I would bite the bullet and proceed with the breakup. It will hurt at first, but once you have some distance you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier. Link to comment
Huntress0527 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I don't want to come accross as an ageist, but to be perfectly honest what you describe is quite normal for teenage relationships. You get attached and have a hard time imaging yourself with anyone else, and due to inexperience it becomes difficult to recognize abusive behavior even when it's right in front of you. I would bite the bullet and proceed with the breakup. It will hurt at first, but once you have some distance you'll wonder why you didn't do it earlier. I actually agree with this. My first boyfriend was at 17 and he was 19 and he tried to dictate what friends I could hang with, what clothes I could wear, and would get angry when I wanted to go workout instead of hanging with him which was at least 3 days a week already. He didn't want me to get in shape because he was afraid I'd leave for someone better. I ended with him because of this behavior. I recommend you do the same, OP. Link to comment
lionquack Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 I understand how you feel and how your boyfriend feels. I do think he is being overprotective but I understand where he is coming from. I dont tell my girlfriend what to wear but I prefer she does not wear clothes that are too revealing. she knows this and respects this. Is this being controlling? I think its a respect thing? As to social networking sites. Does he have reason to ask you to cancel the accounts? Have you been flirting? acting inappropriately when in a relationship? In relation to going out with your friends that are a 'bad influence'. Are they the type of friends who get drunk and 'grind' with multiple guys in a night and act inappropariately? I dont think its you he does not trust. Its the intention of other males he does not trust. Link to comment
NatashaIsJam Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 That's how it started out, him asking me not to wear clothes that were too revealing because he didnt like other guys looking at me, and I respected that and I did as he asked, but when the weather is hot and he insists that I wear a coat, this is over-the-top, don't you think ? I've never given him any reason to think that my using social networking sites was a bad thing. I had plenty of male friends online before I was with him but he asked me to delete them shortly after we got together and I did this, yet he still has a problem with me using the sites, and I can't see why. Admittedly, some of my friends do get drunk but they respect the fact that I don't drink and never have alcohol around me. I understand that he may not want me around them when they are drinking, but the only time I tend to spend with them is when I'm at home looking after my siblings and they come over - I'm hardly likely to chose that time to get drunk, so I really don't see what the problem is. Any ideas from a male perspective ? Link to comment
Alezia Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I was in a similar situation when I was 16. Totally in love with the guy but he was jealous when I talked to any guy which was not gay. He would * * * * * and complain when I was invited to parties (I always invited him out too). He always criticized my clothing as being too form revealing. He did not want me drinking at any social event. He really wanted to get married, and he didn't understand why I didn't buy into this whole fairy tale princess wedding stories like his previous gf's. He was rather insulted that I didn't want the white carriage and horses. It was really over the top, but I wasn't sure what to expect from a long term relationship at that age. I wasn't sure what was acceptable as my parents didn't provide me any type of healthy relationship model. I remember fearing the moment where I broke up with my boyfriend (I let it drag on for too long), but once it was done I just went NC and felt like a huge amount of weight was lifted from my shoulders. It may seem hard, but you won't regret it. I had tried to break up with him in the past but without cutting contact completely, I would always let myself get dragged back into the situation (sometimes months later) with his promises to change. I had a hard time closing the book as I don't like cutting ties with friends or bfs. I always had the 'what ifs' behind my head - ex: had he grown up several months or years later, and once I ended some of my other relationships (when you are vulnerable), I was always tempted to go look back. I met up with him once to go shopping and he was on bad behaviour several years later, that's when I knew that it would never work. It's probably going to be hard to get full closure if you keep any contact with him. It took me a relationship with a really genuine guy for 2 years to completely understand how crass his behaviour truly was. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 You are only 16 years old and already you have recognized MANY of his controlling and abusive behaviours. You, yourself, are very aware that it is NOT right. You can see all the red warning flags. Now you have posted here on ENA, and so far, everyone is in agreement that he is controlling and abusive and that it would be best for you to end the relationship. The longer you stay, the worse it will get. It seems he already has a strong hold of you as you say you don't want to leave him because you don't want to be alone. This is possibly the WORST reason to stay with him. Please, for your own sanity and safety, you have to end this relationship. You are far too young to have this happen to you and it will only get worse. Leave him. The sooner the better. Link to comment
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