Fukurokuju Posted July 11, 2011 Share Posted July 11, 2011 ... but would I have listened? link removed Though he has not been diagnosed with BPD, having been with him for 10 years (since he was 15), I firmly believe my ex suffers from BPD, and almost everything we have been through points only to that, and none of the things I believed to be true (that he loved me, but had to much going on in his personal life, that he loved me, but our relationship was just too destructive to him because of all the arguments I caused, that he loved me and did well by me, but he felt that I would never be satisfied or acknowledge the things I did for him). He has been diagnosed with severe depression, used to be on medicine for it in his teens but stopped (and would always tell me he was on the medication because of me), he has always responded to any and all of my needs with anger. He's left me for a girl he met at the mall that very day, telling me he hated me and loved her within a week of their relationship, he's left me for a girl who waited on him at a restaurant. He recently decided to hate me thoroughly after getting a pin up version of me and my nickname tattooed on him (both tattooes were gotten while we were broken up and I was strictly enforcing NC). He has gone through complete fashion and thinking switches mostly depending on someone famous (as in taking on a celebrity's style of dress and outlook on life). At any sign of me moving on, he will rush in full force as sweet as anyone can imagine, including things like, "I don't care what you do or if you ignore me, I will contact you everyday for the rest of my life." He also went as far as to contact his childhood friend (who he hadn't been in contact with for awhile) and tell him to stop speaking to me when he found out we were FRIENDS while he was ENGAGED to the waitress he left me for. And for the newest kicker, just check out my last post. I know I cannot diagnose him for sure, but just understanding that there is a mental illness with these characteristics, I feel that the same coping mechanisms and things I need to understand about it still fully apply to me. I lived with this, and I hope to learn to live without it. I hope this helps anyone who may feel like they were in this situation. It hurts, and what's worse, is that is disorienting. You feel as though you can no longer even be sure of your own feelings. Here's to rebuilding and moving on. Link to comment
AlxEss Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 My ex has social anxiety disorder which caused her partly to end our relationship. It's tough when mental illness makes things in the relationship suffer, especially when they party in question will not get help. Link to comment
Sagreras Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Welcome to hell. I made the same discovery one month after my third reconciliation attempt failed with my partner. The last piece of the ‘Crazy Critter’ puzzle slotted neatly into place. All of my questions finally answered. Delightful BPD behviour descriptions that are far from consoling: -Narcissistic Supply. -Idealization Phase/Devaluation Phase. -Emotional dysregulation. -Disassociative State. -Dysphoria. -Anhedonia. -Sensory Processing Disorder. -Comorbidity. BPD relationships are some of the hardest ones to bounce back from. Link to comment
holymoseph Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 My brother is scitzophrenic and my long time ex is bipolar. I've had to learn to be able to handle them differently than others. My brother, it's still a day to day thing. We all have to accept it and it is hard. but he has came a LONG way since he was first diagnosed. He was put on meds and talks to a psychiatrist. My ex is on medication too. It has made a huge difference for him. He is now in a longterm relationship w/ a nice girl. I'm so happy for him. For the longest time I never understood him. He'd flip his * * * * out of nowhere and for no reason. He'd even flipped on my mom. It was strange. We once drove up to the city to see a band and when we got there he couldn't get out of the car because of his anxieties so I sat in there all night and held him while we missed the show. It's scary to be in a relationship with someone who suffers from mental problems. But it doesn't make them a bad person. Or impossible to be with. They just need help. Granted they should seek professional help and not depend on us as their partner to be their wipping board. Like I've said a previous thread after the frightening discovery you had. I feel sorry for him. He clearly needs help. I hope he gets it. But please please please don't try to take on the role as care taker and help him. You've done enough. Let him get help on his own. Link to comment
Fukurokuju Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 Thanks holy, whatever part of me that would want to help is now destroyed by the years of abused I endured. In a strange way, mental illness or not, I take a lot of responsibility for what he put me through, because I should have left, I could have left. That is the most important thing I'm taking out of this, we all show people how to treat us, he got away with destroying a part of my mental/emotional instability because I allowed it. I look forward to loving again for sure, but I will never accept unacceptable behavior again. And yes, I hope to steer as clear from him as I can for the rest of my life. My goal is for our max amount of contact to be a half-nod of hello if I ever see him out and no more. I have never been the type to be less the nice to people, but this is for my safety. He cannot be allowed to think he still has power over me, because he may think at any point in the future when things don't work out for him or his new girl, that he can come back. He already did it after his fiance left him after us having no contact for 3 years, and I let him in. Never again, not even if he "changes." Too much resentment, and too many opportunities I know in my heart, though I still cry for him every morning, that are out there and will make me happier than I ever knew possible. Link to comment
Aqua066 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 This is exactly what I'm going through... Great article. It actually hurt reading a few of the sections especially "Belief that absence makes the heart grow fonder". Link to comment
Flywest29 Posted July 12, 2011 Share Posted July 12, 2011 Holy crap, I think my ex has this. She was so extreme with her feelings, from day 1. She could be so loving, caring, adoring one minute and then turn in to the coldest, cruelest person ever if things weren't going her way. It was always one extreme to the other. And thats how our relationship ended, she was so loving, caring, then bang 24 hours later, cold, ignoring me, distant, and all the sudden not in love with me. I don't know if this is what she has but after reading that article it could be possible Link to comment
Fukurokuju Posted July 12, 2011 Author Share Posted July 12, 2011 I think whether or not they can actually be diagnosed with the disorder is unimportant. Whether or not it's BPD, the fact that such symptoms are considered part of a disorder can help us breathe a sigh of relief that what we thought was not healthy, actually isn't, no matter how much we were pushed to believe WE were the unhealthy ones. And also, the pointers of letting go, because they relate to behavior that was displayed to us, are VERY VERY helpful. Link to comment
holymoseph Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 * * * urokuju, I think you're doing great. Especially what you've been through. Have you thought about getting some literature or seeking help for what you've been through? Link to comment
holymoseph Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 OMG they wouldn't let me type your name. That's awful. lol Link to comment
thatguy42 Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 Holy crap, I think my ex has this. She was so extreme with her feelings, from day 1. She could be so loving, caring, adoring one minute and then turn in to the coldest, cruelest person ever if things weren't going her way. It was always one extreme to the other. And thats how our relationship ended, she was so loving, caring, then bang 24 hours later, cold, ignoring me, distant, and all the sudden not in love with me. I don't know if this is what she has but after reading that article it could be possible Sounds a little like my ex. She clearly had some issues with depression, but not sure about BPD. Link to comment
Mustachio Posted July 13, 2011 Share Posted July 13, 2011 I want to caution about labeling our exes this and that, especially when it comes to BPD. It is a serious problem and one that needs to be treated. Label them if you want, if it helps you make sense out of their behavior. But the problem becomes that when you start labeling, you feel like once you are armed with this new information that you could better make changes, and it may just end up keeping you stuck in a loop trying to get in contact and fix things. Something to be wary about. My ex was diagnosed with bipolar disorder, which shares a lot in common with BPD from what I have read, and its entirely possible that she may have in fact suffered from BPD. I used this information as a ray of hope that maybe once her "episode" had passed that she would be back instead of focusing on myself and moving on. Another thing most people fail to take into account when labeling our exes this and that is that during a break up emotions are running crazy on both ends. People do things that taken out of context would of course make them seem crazy. I myself exhibited behaviors so far out of character during that breakup that to someone who was only looking in on me during that period (and the extended year or two leading up to my breakup) they could most probably diagnose me with some sort of mental disorder. In closing. Be careful about labeling your ex, it may or may not be true, but it may keep you in a bad place. If it helps you reach acceptance, sure label them, but be careful who you go spouting those labels off to. Link to comment
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