Dad's anger outbursts

[my-junk-is-you]

I’m tired and emotional and I could do with a vent.

 

My dad has had depression for the last 10 years along with anxiety and anger management problems. I’m 18 and still living at home. He takes medication for it but often falls into a vicious cycle where he stops taking them because he feels better and then our whole family kind of suffers for it. He has outbursts of anger, usually he’ll just scream and make threats, if they’re bad he’ll throw things, if they’re really bad they can be more physical. He can go many weeks sometimes with everything completely fine and suddenly something minor will make him just lose it.

 

I’m just struggling right now with his anger outbursts. Today he came home from work, appeared to be in an okay mood and just suddenly flipped because my sister had put the tumble drier on and it uses a lot of energy. He came storming into my room to shout at me, I told him it wasn’t anything to do with me and I wasn’t going to get into an argument about it, he chucked his mobile phone at my face, I managed to dodge it and just remove myself from the whole situation by running out of the house and into the woods nearby.

 

One incident a couple of years back he started going off at me in a foul mood and slapped me. I ran down the stairs with him chasing me. I got into the kitchen, and shoved the table against the door before he could follow me. He was hammering away at the other side screaming how he was going to kick my head in. I know he was in a fit of anger but he said things that have hurt me like nothing before.

 

I feel bad, almost ashamed for even complaining, I know people have it a lot worse, but can’t pretend it doesn’t upset me. I’ve had a good childhood, we had holidays and trips to the museum, my parents have stayed together. I appreciate what I’ve got, but at times like this I find it hard to cope with his anger.

There are a couple of close friends I’ve talked to at various points about it, usually when I’m upset because something had just happened. They just don’t understand though, they see my dad when he is happy and can’t imagine him when he’s angry. I know I tend to put on a brave face when I tell them about stuff that’s happened, they’re sympathetic but find it amusing to imagine me in that situation.

 

This man is my father and I do love him, I’m grateful for the sacrifices he’s made. When he’s in a good mood we enjoy each other’s company and get along very well. But sometime it’s like walking on eggshells around him; it’s so unpredictable when he will flip. The shock of it leaves me physically shaking sometimes. When he starts shouting all the memories of previous incidents, the things he’s said in anger all flood back to me and I’m scared.

 

I just feel drained right now by the conflict of loving someone who at times can also hurt you.

[Kitkat973]

I just feel drained right now by the conflict of loving someone who at times can also hurt you.

 

Loving him doesn't mean that you should feel bad about needing to talk about the negative things that are happening. You can love someone and still be hurt by the things that they do, and it's difficult to love someone who has the types of issues that you've said your father has.

 

With that said, I will tell you now that what he is doing is not okay. It's not something that you need to feel bad about having problems with, because it's abusive behavior.

 

Is living at home something that you can change? It can be a lot easier to have a healthy relationship with someone if you're not living with them. If not, can you talk to him when he's at one of his calm periods? If he's in the process of getting help with the issues and he's having spells like this, it's important that he communicates to his therapist/etc what's going on. Is family counseling a potential?

[my-junk-is-you]

Despite all that goes on, for the most part I am okay with living at home for now and financially have little choice, I will be off to university after a gap year though so I will only be living permanently at home for another year. My mum and older sister are here and the good periods outweigh the bad ones. He doesn't really get help anymore, he gets the medications, but he stopped having therapy years ago. I don't think he would admit to needing it again and it's not something we can force him to do. I very much doubt any of the family would agree to counseling and I sort of balked at the idea when I first read it. The idea scares me for another reason because my parents don't know I'm gay and I'm not ready to tell them and I'd be worried it would somehow be dragged up.

 

Thanks for replying I just really needed to clear my head

[Kitkat973]

The idea scares me for another reason because my parents don't know I'm gay and I'm not ready to tell them and I'd be worried it would somehow be dragged up.

 

Ack. I'm pansexual, so I can empathize here.

 

Is talking to your mom (about the issues with your father) an option?

[my-junk-is-you]

Ack. I'm pansexual, so I can empathize here.

 

Is talking to your mom (about the issues with your father) an option?

 

Yeah, I'm able to talk to her and it helps because she understands and is in a similar position. She tends to act as a message carrier between me and my dad because I'm just not able to tell my dad to his face how he hurts me sometimes, but my mum will tells him the things I've told her. I just sometimes need to vent somewhere outside of my family and friend unit- guess that what this forum is for!

 

Thank you

[Kitkat973]

It can definitely help to just have it out somewhere.