Is posting/hanging out on this board not like breaking NC everyday?

[lemsip]

This is a genuine question, and I honestly don't mean any disrespect to the posters and followers of this board. Some of the information has helped me.

 

However...

 

One thing I have noticed is that virtually everyone on this board supports NC. NC means not contacting your ex, not checking their facebook, and generally trying not to think about them.

 

Surely then, does posting on these forums not go against all this? Are we reliving our pain everyday, talking about it over and over again, reliving our stories, and therefore the pain?

 

Has anyone any thoughts on this?

[6yeardumped]

I had that same thought, but today I came to one conclusion - I rather come here and read the "Healing after BU" forum, namely those good posts on techniques to heal and positive healing experiences of ENA members, than stay all day on FBook waiting for my ex to post something (which I wouldnt be able to see anyway, since I unfriended her and blocked her)...

 

But I do get your point...But NC does not stand for "not think about them"...NC helps you to get to that point. While in this board, I am not thinking about my ex. I am thinking of ways of getting myself back and looking for inspirational healing experiences from other members.

 

Peace

[PlayingAces]

IMHO, there's a big difference between contacting your ex and looking at their facebook. Just sayin'. People have different motives for checking up on their ex. Some of them are justified.

[Tryptophan]

There's a big difference because it helps you cope, vent, identify with people. FaceBook/talking to them means you're still active in their life and there's still enough content to analyze and overthink. On here, all you're going over is stuff you already have gone over.

 

You slowly start coming on here less and less but you have to give it time. I come here a lot less than I did at the beginning but it did help me keep me going with NC.

[Kitkat973]

What helps and what doesn't help in your situation is something that can only be determined by you. Some people benefit from the support and from having others to talk to in the same situation. Others don't. If you feel like being on this forum is making it harder for you to heal, then I suggest taking a week-long break from it and reevaluating after.

[lemsip]

I guess I'm just worried I'll turn into this guy. I found this blog last night and it freaked me out. His first post is 2.5 years ago and he's still in the depths of hell.

 

[search joeblessing wordpress on google incase it doesn't let me post links on here]

 

Have any of you seen it before? It's freaky. He just keeps reliving his anguish with every post. He refuses to move on.

[Tryptophan]

I feel you, I sometimes worry I'll be like that too but the fact that we're worried means we are sane. People like that are the ones who refuse to give up hope. I gave up hope on getting back with the ex 1 week post-BU.

 

**** him. I'm only here the most when I have those days where I think about him more.

[lemsip]

I still have hope even though I know there is no hope. I realise that makes no sense... I guess I mean that I haven't fully accepted it even though deep down I know it's over. I want the crushing realisation to come so I can get on with it and take the next step. Is it a conscious decision to give up hope or do you just wake up one day and "know".

[Tryptophan]

There's still some lingering hope but it's just a silly, fantasy-like kind of hope. Every time I find myself hanging out mentally to that hope, I try to think realistically and I just bring myself back down to earth. Just wouldn't even be the same to start with.

[catfeeder]

I still have hope even though I know there is no hope. I realise that makes no sense... I guess I mean that I haven't fully accepted it even though deep down I know it's over. I want the crushing realisation to come so I can get on with it and take the next step. Is it a conscious decision to give up hope or do you just wake up one day and "know".

 

I didn't start out subscribing to the popular idea that I can't hold onto hope--I used hope in my own favor until I didn't need it any more. I used hope as my carrot to move myself toward becoming the kind of person I wanted my ex to see (or hear of) in a year. I used hope to motivate me forward--to the gym, to finish my master's, to shoot for a promotion at work, to build a healthy social life. Basically, I used hope to ease me back into a life I could be proud of. A funny thing happened along the way. My ex became less and less important as I became more and more important.

 

My goal was to surprise everyone--including myself, with my resiliency and ability to bounce back and knock my life out of the ballpark. Over time my efforts started to make me feel better, and proud. Emotions follow behavior--not the other way around. If I waited until I 'felt' like moving forward, I'd never have pushed myself.

[Mellie]

I've been here on... What? Four separate occasions? It gives you time for reflection and, oftentimes, saves you doing something stoooopid.

 

But yeah, whether I reconcile or whether I decide to move on, I drop out of ENA.

 

It's actually a shame people do that. We come here vent, then stuff off again with out a by your leave. It'd be nice to see more positive endings, either way. I've definitely been a fair (or rather bad) weather friend.

 

Fair play to those who stick around.

[Robin2904]

I struggle with this sometimes honestly. I come on here when I really need the support, when I just need to vent and can't hold it in anymore....but sometimes- especially if I am particularly down that day or moment I try to stay away. Sometimes it can bring me down more by reliving the pain, and reading other depressing posts that I can relate to also brings me down. It's a balance for me, I have to know when to balance it. Sometimes being on here really helps, but sometimes It's not so productive. Just my opinion.

[Snuggly]

I think of it as a support group. And it really helps to know what happened / is happening to you is not unusual and you are not alone. It gives me strength and hope.

[Snowy]

This is a genuine question, and I honestly don't mean any disrespect to the posters and followers of this board. Some of the information has helped me.

 

However...

 

One thing I have noticed is that virtually everyone on this board supports NC. NC means not contacting your ex, not checking their facebook, and generally trying not to think about them.

 

Surely then, does posting on these forums not go against all this? Are we reliving our pain everyday, talking about it over and over again, reliving our stories, and therefore the pain?

 

Has anyone any thoughts on this?

 

I do agree with this actually.

 

People who constantly think about "omg how do I get over this break up" makes it harder to let go.

 

But this forum DO help a lot in terms of giving you the correct mindset and techniques in coping with your break up.

 

The support and confidence you get in this community is amazing.

[Zuri]

This forum has helped me IMMENSELY.

[hello678]

Good thread

 

The difference is, is that talking to them and associating with them creates new memories.

 

Reliving old memories on here is different because at one point, you get sick of talking about it. You'll find that you actually don't want to post about what a terrible person your ex is, how much you hate them and how much you secretly want them back.

 

Once your mind grows bored of that, than you can move on.

[Miss my Heart]

It took me 2 months after the BU to decide to do NC...and by that point most of my friends had heard my sob stories more then once and had told me numerous times to him let go and move on. It's easier said then done of course. So this forum has allowed me to vent my anguish and feel better after. I don't feel I'm reliving the same story over and over here...but I do feel that I am still dealing with the pain of rejection that came from being dumped...Expressing it, venting it and leaving it here is helpful. I still feel I have hope of reconciliation in my heart, even if my head knows better. I have made steps in my life to move forward and become a better me...make myself the priority. And I have found that I can help others here by letting them know they aren't alone, imparting my little bit of knowledge and being supportive. So, although there are some who may wallow for years in their pain, I believe most are here to release it and move on, and this may take some time but each person if different and you have to find your own way.

[lemsip]

there are some who may wallow for years in their pain

 

This is probably my single biggest fear in life right now. I realise I am only 5 weeks in to my BU (although I had a "break" of 4 months) but my one overiding thought right now is:

 

This is never going to end. I am always going to feel like this.

[GrowingIn]

This is a genuine question, and I honestly don't mean any disrespect to the posters and followers of this board. Some of the information has helped me.

 

However...

 

One thing I have noticed is that virtually everyone on this board supports NC. NC means not contacting your ex, not checking their facebook, and generally trying not to think about them.

 

Surely then, does posting on these forums not go against all this? Are we reliving our pain everyday, talking about it over and over again, reliving our stories, and therefore the pain?

 

Has anyone any thoughts on this?

 

Yes I have thought about this quite often. I know if I talked this much about my ex with real people, they'd get tired of hearing it and I would probably be forced to move on even quicker. However, this place can keep one from making things worse and be more level headed because there are instances where you may still be in touch with your ex, as I am, where I would rather come here and post about my initial reaction, instead of doing something that makes things worse for me or her.

 

But yeah to truly heal, I think you need to be off ENA.

[toby17]

One thing I have noticed is that virtually everyone on this board supports NC. NC means not contacting your ex, not checking their facebook, and generally trying not to think about them.

 

I don't think this is really true. Personally it's not true for me.

 

I think if you don't want to get back with your ex, strict NC is the best thing.

 

I think if you do want to get back with your ex, NC is necessary until you get yourself back - or at least get your confidence back and enough of yourself back to stay calm and not be too rocked by setbacks.

 

I think if you want to get your ex back, tho NC needs to be broken and sometimes it has to be done by the dumpee but I think there's no magic formula for this, your chances are remarkably slim, and only a fortune teller could tell you whether you've got a chance and what exactly to do, and in the end, if you get them back, it's following your gut and having a whole lot of luck.

 

Surely then, does posting on these forums not go against all this? Are we reliving our pain everyday, talking about it over and over again, reliving our stories, and therefore the pain?

 

I find that posting on these forums is like writing in a journal. Or talking to people who are receptive as opposed to continuing to wear out your friends. I think it's also good for people who are going to do something rash and who get the support to stop.

 

And always intrigued to know about the people who ask for advice and it's obvious that they're going to do something dumb and can't be talked out of it but never come back to say what happened either way.

[BlueRose66]

lemsip, I too understand the feeling of "is it ever going to end". I know you wrote this a ways back, and you and I have come a long way since July. I think it is more "I want this to be over and be healed now".

 

It takes what it takes what it takes. I am doing much better than I was even in October. But because we are in the midst of it, it doesnt seem like we are making much progress. But rest assured we all are.

 

Now we have Christmas to jump the hurdle over, and for me its going to be difficult.

 

We leave ENA when we are ready. One thing I know for sure is that I will get through it though even years down the road I may feel pangs or some sadness. When you love someone deeply, it may never truly go away but we can live a happy life nonetheless.