Lost

[drake89]

Hey people. I'm kind of treading unknown waters since I've just joined this site and I've never done anything like this before, but I guess there's a first time for everything.

 

I guess I feel pretty terrible - I feel as though there's just no point in life. It's strange for me, because I've never been the type to be melancholy; I've always been a pretty happy person. I guess the downward spiral started a long time ago. Back in December 2009, my father passed away. I hadn't seen him ever since the age of thirteen and it hit me really hard. Shortly after that, I heard from my mother whom I hadn't seen or heard from since the age of eight - I'll spare you the details of it all. But despite growing up without parents, I still led a pretty happy childhood. I'm the youngest in my family. I have two older brothers and one sister. They're the greatest siblings in the world and they basically raised me. I had friends, I was into girls, I volunteered to play sports and I loved to live and laugh. But when I heard that my father died and my mother got in contact, I guess everything just came back to haunt me. Even though I hadn't seen my father for a long time, I still loved him and his death was kind of surreal. Hearing my mother's voice stirred other emotions; anger and regret. I still never knew why she left me and my family and to this day, I still don't.

 

Shortly after the start of 2010, I dropped out of university - yes I know I made a mistake - because I just couldn't cope with it all. I was crying daily and not turning up to class or even bothering checking up assignments on the net so I could catch up. I just felt exhausted and just didn't care. When I left school, I pretty much isolated myself from the real world; I cut ties with friends that tried to get in contact but I nevertheless ignored. I cut myself off from family and literally spent my life living in my room. I'm an aspiring writer and I spend a lot of time writing manuscripts. Writing is the only thing that I have today, because when I isolated myself for an entire year, I lost all my social skills. I became so anxious. A simple task of going to the store would terrify me. I thought everyone was looking at me and laughing behind my back, even though they didn't know me! I've lost so much weight within the last year because I don't have an appetite and I don't eat much. I always wear long sleeved t-shirts even in the presence of my family because I'm ashamed of how skinny I am. It's almost been a year and half now since I isolated myself from the world. My room is literally like a jail cell and I'm terrified to leave it. Creating fiction seems to be the only solace I have in life. I literally have no friends today and I know it's all my fault. I pushed them away and left it too late. Sometimes, when I lose the ability to write (when I go through a writer's block) I really see the world for what it is for me and I just feel like I can't continue. I feel like I can't face it. Sometimes I have thoughts of drinking ten bottles of beer, draining ten capsules of aspirin and slitting my wrists, letting the life slip out of me.

 

A couple of months ago, I met a girl on a writer's community website. She seemed like a dream. I'll call her J. When I'd been a happy chappy, I'd been with other girls but those relationships had been mostly superficial; either sexual or simple commodities. No real depth. But J seemed so different. As a writer, I can't tell you how wonderful it isto talk to someone who speaks the same language as you and who goes through the same trials and tribulations. We had so much in common it was ridiculous. And for someone whose only friends have been concocted characters for the last year, it was incredible. We talked every day. J gave me such vitality and optimism. At first I thought I simply liked her as a friend but it became pretty apparent how I felt about her. Just seeing another email from her brightened up my day and sent a surge of warmth and strength through me. We talked and talked for so long. For the first time in such a long time, I was happy.

 

But then she just disappeared. She didn't respond me to or anything. It's become so excruciating. Every day I obsessively check my email in vain to see if she's written back, just like I always sat on the porch after school shortly after my mother left, vainly waiting for her to come back and for everything to be okay. Not having J in my life has really crushed me and it's made me realise just how awful and empty my life is. I became so dependent on her, ignorant of that unlike me, J had a life and things to do. I feel so strongly about her. In the past few weeks, I haven't been writing, accentuating my loneliness and depression because writing is the only thing that makes me feel worthy of living. Today alone, I must have checked my email thirty times. It's really killing me from the inside and I feel like I can't get out of this dark hole. I just feel like there's no hope at all. I'm increasingly having suicidal thoughts. I don't particularly want to die, but the pain that I feel when I wake up every day makes life a living hell.

[Kitkat973]

This is a hard post to respond to, because I see so much of myself in it that it's scary.

 

Writing comes and goes in waves. It's difficult when your identity in life is as a writer, and this is what you see as your redeeming characteristic, your reason for continuing to breathe, because it feels like without that you're worth nothing.

 

When I hit a bad block, the kind that lasts for weeks or months and I can't get around it, I start working on something else. I draw characters out of a hat, write against a friend, throw random things together to see if they'll stick and just push forward. Sometimes it can help to not be working on the project that has you stuck.

 

Sometimes, all that helps is screaming.

 

J- there could be any number of reasons that she isn't around, and I know hearing that doesn't help. I know from experience how hard it is to lose someone who is that for you, and to be left waiting and hoping.

 

If you want someone to talk to, PM me.

[drake89]

Hey KitKat. Thanks for replying

 

You're right. It is difficult having an identity as writer and like you said, it becomes your only reason to breathe and when it goes, you feel worthless. I've fallen back on writing so much in the last year because I literally cling onto it. In the past I had other things going on but now it feels like it's just me, the pen and the paper. I'm not being nasty or anything, but it's strangely kinda nice to know that I'm not the only one who feels like that. I try working on different projects sometimes, but I'm one of those people that likes being fixated on a single thing before moving on.

 

My experience in life is that the waiting, for no matter what, is always the hardest part. And you're right about J - my mind is running amok with possibilities as to why she's not talking to me anymore. It's driving me crazy.

 

Thanks for leaving yourself open for the PM. I'd very much like to talk. However, how do you do that? I'm still finding my way on this site.

[Kitkat973]

I don't view it as being nasty at all. It can help to know that you're not alone, and believe me, you aren't. The screaming frustration is a familiar feeling.

 

My best friend is like that. She's someone to sit down at page one of a book and force her way through, where I'm the type that flitters and skitters about. She gets more done than I do, heh.

 

If you click on my username over the pretty dead flowers, it should take you to my profile, and a link to PM through there.

[drake89]

Yeah, I'm like your friend. I just find it difficult to alternate! I'm too rigid.

 

I may sound like a fool here, but I can't seem to find the link on your page. Ahh frustrating!

[Kitkat973]

Yeah, that sounds like her, heh. I think it's the difference between being a T and an F on the Myers-Briggs spectrum. I can see how that'd make the writer's block even more frustrating- you're stuck waiting until you can make progress on that particular project.

 

The increased productivity would be nice, though. I count it as a good day if I get 800 words done.

 

The link should be on the upper left, underneath where the profile photo would go. You might have to go into your settings, then general settings, and turn private messaging on.

[drake89]

Yeah, I'm like your friend. I just find it difficult to alternate! I'm too rigid.

 

I may sound like a fool here, but I can't seem to find the link on your page. Ahh frustrating!

[drake89]

Oh wow now I'm getting really frustrated, lol. I went on general settings and can't seem to find the "PM" setting.

[Kitkat973]

It's under settings, general settings, then scroll down to messaging and notification, and change the option of private messaging over to "private messaging on".

[drake89]

Yeah I went on the messaging and notification panel and there's no PM option. Only two things. Email notification from administrators and a thread subscription. I can't even access my inbox. It says I don't have the "privileges."

[chitown9]

Nik, you need to have made more posts before you have the ability to pm. I think it is 10 or 12. I don't really know the exact amount. When you have the ability to post you click the user's name and it opens a llttle blurp that gives you the opportunity to click for that poster's profile or to send a personal message.

 

Nik, it sounds like you have clinical depression. Schedule an appointment with your doctor and explain what you explained here. There is medication that will treat your depression. It seems that you are living with your adopted parents, if I am guessing correctly. You need to share your feelings with your parents so they can get you assistance.

 

There is no telling what happened to "J". Maybe it is something so simple as she could not pay here internet provider. She may reappear, or you may never hear from her again. The important thing is that you get in gear to get your life back on track. Keep coming back to this site. You will find many caring people here.... .....chi

[drake89]

Thanks for the information, Chitown. It was really frustrating for a moment there for a moment there

 

I live with my aunt (my dad's brother) and my uncle and cousins. My aunt has become like a second mother to me and my cousins are like brothers and sisters. Even though I'm close with them, I just find it difficult sitting down with them and telling them exactly how I feel. They're suspicious, of course, as they note my weight loss and the ridiculous amount of time I spend in bed and the constant rebuffs when it comes to socialising at parties or barbeques. They pose delicate questions but I usually become defensive and snappy and they leave it at that. Deep down, I know you're right. I really do need help because it's become to the point of unbearable. My old self seems nothing but a distant memory. I'm scheduled for an eye test next week and since the optician's is next to the GP, I'll visit the doctor then.

 

Like I said before, it's the not knowing that's killing me and like you say, there are an infinite amount of possibilities as to why she hasn't responded. I will keep coming back this site like you said. I already feel a little better letting people know how I feel. Thank you

[Kitkat973]

Nik, you need to have made more posts before you have the ability to pm.

 

Ooer, that's good to know. Sorry for leading you down a frustrating road, Nik. ;^^

[drake89]

No need to say sorry, KitKat. It's fine At least I know now. Working towards that quota as I speak.

[Kitkat973]

No need to say sorry, KitKat. It's fine At least I know now. Working towards that quota as I speak.

 

Someday I'll figure out how bb boards work.

 

I noticed you mentioned agoraphobia in your initial post. How much of an issue is it for you in your day to day life?

[chitown9]

Nik, I am so glad that you are going to see a doctor tomorrow. Aknowleging the problem is the first step to fixing it. You are on your road to recovery!...chi

[drake89]

KitKat - It's a major problem. When I'm at home I'm fine, but when I go out somewhere like downtown or to the store it really hits me. Like a big cat that prefers to hunt during the least busiest times of the day, if I need to go somewhere, I do so very early in the morning or very late at night. For the simple reason of not wanting to see people. I get too anxious and paranoid when I'm around people, even if it's with someone I don't know. And thank you Chi town I sure hope so!

[catfeeder]

Your e-friend may be involved with someone in person, and she may believe it's disloyal to continue contact with you. Or she may have sensed your dependency on her, and this scared her off. Forming bonds over the computer while cutting yourself off from the rest of the world will only hurt--because it can't 'go' anywhere--and the person you're bonding with likely has a life outside of their computer.

 

While I agree with Chi that a doc is a good place to start, I wouldn't take a bottle of pills and expect that to 'work' for you. You've suffered some grief which may have turned into depression--and pills can't change the conditions and habits that keep depression in place. Pills won't necessarily make you feel good enough to change these conditions on your own--they're too ingrained. There are people trained to help you 'behave' your way out of depression. Emotions follow behaviors--not the other way around. If I wait until I 'feel' like doing things that are good for me, I'd do nothing. It's only after stretching myself to take small baby steps that I feel inspired to push for another step.

 

Prolonged grief can trigger a change in your chemical balance--and then it's no longer just emotional, it's a physical dis-ease. In some cases it's acute and the body can right itself, but other times not, and then it requires treatment to avoid a chronic condition that impacts everything from digestion to the immune system.

 

In some cases a combo plate of talk therapy and increased exercise can bring chemistry back into balance. If that doesn't work, your therapist can refer you to see a psychiatrist for meds. I wouldn't take a prescription from anyone who doesn't specialize in monitoring psychotropic drugs. It's not a car wash, and finding the right drug at the right dosage with minimal side effects isn't a simple process. It requires your participation and feedback--and anyone who'd prescribe that kind of treatment without a high degree of careful monitoring isn't competent. Ask your doc for a referral to a therapist who specializes in depression before taking any drugs. Once you establish a relationship with a therapist, he or she can monitor the effectiveness of any drug prescribed and can teach you how to speak, write and behave in ways that will maximize your results.

 

You're smart, and you can do this.

[Kitkat973]

KitKat - It's a major problem. When I'm at home I'm fine, but when I go out somewhere like downtown or to the store it really hits me. Like a big cat that prefers to hunt during the least busiest times of the day, if I need to go somewhere, I do so very early in the morning or very late at night. For the simple reason of not wanting to see people. I get too anxious and paranoid when I'm around people, even if it's with someone I don't know. And thank you Chi town I sure hope so!

 

It's good that you can go to congested places like that, even if you're doing it at the less active times.

 

I've struggled with agoraphobia for most of my life, and continual, controlled exposure has been key. The more you let it encroach on your life and control what you do, the more it will take.

[drake89]

Hey catfeeder. Thanks for the reply. And the two possibilities you've listed (J being involved with someone else or me being do dependent on her and thus scaring her off) are the ones that I think are most likely. And ironically enough, they're the toughest to accept. I know she definitely has much more of a life than me and the possibility of her having someone else, as tough as it may be to accept, is real because she's a wonderful person. And on the depedency point - in retrospect, I may have been a little too needy, I think. I guess it all comes back to speculation but logically, I'd say it's either one of the two you mentioned. I'd also like to thank you for such an amazing insight as to what I should seek. You really know your stuff. I've been thinking about therapy for some time, but never had the courage to take it up. I know I need to, though, because I'm just tired of living like this

 

KitKat - it sucks to hear you suffer from it too. It's really frightening, isn't it? Makes you feel as though you're cooped up in a blast furnace or something. But I agree about exposure. Last year I couldn't even go the store. I've been going out a little bit more, albeit at less active times, but nevertheless taking the steps. This time last year I couldn't even leave the front door.

[Sharie]

Hello it seems to me you should see a psych doc. they could really help you with your depression. And i work in mental health and I’m seeing quite a few signs. My advice to you is to consume help to get your life on track. I think it goes deeper then the girl j you were talking to and maybe she felt you were extremely depressed. There is a hot line you can call that will help you cope with this. And always talk it out it will help. I wish you the best and please talk to someone

[drake89]

Thank you reading and replying, Sharie. I'll be seeking help. This has gone on too long.

[Kitkat973]

Kitkat - it sucks to hear you suffer from it too. It's really frightening, isn't it? Makes you feel as though you're cooped up in a blast furnace or something. But I agree about exposure. Last year I couldn't even go the store. I've been going out a little bit more, albeit at less active times, but nevertheless taking the steps. This time last year I couldn't even leave the front door.

 

That's great to hear, and that you will be seeking help. As trite as it sounds, being willing to look for help really is the first step.

 

And it is frightening. It helps, though, to realize that is what it is. Positive experiences outside help as well.

[drake89]

That's great to hear, and that you will be seeking help. As trite as it sounds, being willing to look for help really is the first step.

 

And it is frightening. It helps, though, to realize that is what it is. Positive experiences outside help as well.

 

 

Thanks. It really is frightening. I don't really know what to expect but like I said in the post, there's a first time for everything. I think by joining this site not only has helped me because it's been helpful, but it's something I thought I'd never do in the past. It actually took me a week to summon the courage to sign up and it's been a good experience so far. So hopefully get professional help will be the same.

[chitown9]

Didn't mean the thumb down, but could not delete. Hi Nik, I'm back. I needed to run a few errands, but I did want to expand more on my previous post, but was lacking in time at the time. I would like to relate to you the experience that my mother had with clinical depression after her husband, my dad, died. She was advanced in age and I was her caregiver then, so I was totally aware of her battle with depression. In addition, I took her to all of her appointments. She was referred to a psyciatrist by her general M.D. when her general M.D. recognized her depression and in her case, also psychosis. She then went to a psyciatrist who put her on anti-depressants and medication for her psychosis. The general M.D. referral was her ticket to see a psychiatrist, justifying my mother's need for a psychiatrist. This is what I learned about the psychiatry field and how it is conducted nowadays. The psychiatrist prescribes and monitors the medication as to the results. (Don't expect any results for at least 2 weeks as it needs to be absorbed in your system). He/she then adjusts the medz if needed. The time with the psychiatrist is about 20 minutes. When my mom started exceeding the time, the psychiatrist then recommended that she see a therapist. I am guessing here, but I think he recognized the need for a therapist, but the psychiatrist was also trying to alleviate himself from listening to "stuff" that she was talking about since it was really was not his domain. She then started meeting with a therapist. After a few meetings with the therapist the therapist recommended a support group and now I was taking her to that as well. The support group was really helpful for her too because all of the people who attended had similar conditions such as OCDs, Bipolar, PTSD, Self Mutilation etc. The members of the group shared their experiences of their ailment and explained how they dealt with it. My mom said she really enjoyed it and it was good for her to hear that she is not alone with her condition. She also learned coping skills from the others in the group.

 

I want to give you a caveat about the psych medz, Nik. You may have to experience several different prescriptions before you find the one that fits for you. My mom has some side effects from some that she had to be changed to another, and this is 2 weeks wait before each new prescription because you need to give it time to work. This may not happen to you Nik, but I just want to give you a heads up that it might so that you don't get discouraged.

 

I can tell that you are a wonderful person, Nik. You have so much to offer. It is only going to get better when you get well. Stay in touch....chi