BF says im bossy about sex

[reyes84]

He told me I'm bossy when it comes to sex, and that I didn't use to be like that. He said it's hard to sexually please me recently. When he starts to touch me he complained he can't even touch me the right way because I don't get excited from it enough. But I've tried telling him i just want a better sex life. It was great in the beginning but I just want a little variety. I've told him it takes more than just a minute of touching my leg and then going straight to touching me down there for me to get excited enough to want sex. I could also tell when he's rubbing my back just so it could lead to sex. I need more romance, sensuality, and genuineness instead of a guy thinking 'ok if I rub her back for 5 minutes then she'll have sex with me.' why is it so hard for him to understand that I try not to be bossy but just trying to help the both of us have a better sex life. I try and give him suggestions but it doesn't seem to stick.

[blackhawks1287]

Because all he cares about his how quick can he get you turned on so he can get it in.

 

If you have made it aware that you need it to be more passionate then he is plain and simple just being lazy, but it takes more than just expecting him to do more.

 

Personally I think it takes both. You have to make him feel desired to want to put in that extra effort. * * * for tat pretty much. Instead of you just wanting it better, what can you do to motivate him to be more passionate...ya know?

 

I am not saying you are being selfish. Sex is an important part of any relationship, but to just expect more without making the effort yourself...is a little one sided.

 

You make your partner feel sexy, desired and if you tease him, play with him, flaunt a little...he will be more than willing to step it up. It takes two...

[Kitkat973]

I personally feel that partnered sex should be something that occurs when you're wanting to have that specifically, and that if you're just chasing an orgasm, masturbation is the way to go.

 

It sounds like he's just wanting to get off, instead of really wanting to focus on having sex with you that you'll both enjoy.

 

With that said, have you considered adding more intense sexual stimulation into your relationship- IE, using a vibrator during foreplay to help you get more aroused?

[reyes84]

Personally I think it takes both. You have to make him feel desired to want to put in that extra effort. * * * for tat pretty much. Instead of you just wanting it better, what can you do to motivate him to be more passionate...ya know?

 

 

 

You got a point. What I try and do is caress and massage him back when I can tell he want to have sex (i.e. he starts to touch and kiss my neck). So it's not like I just lie there not doing anything back to him. I guess the problem is that he gets excited far sooner than me. I would still want to continue touching without going all the way yet and he would be ready to go to the next phase. What more can I do because I'm really at a loss.

[reyes84]

With that said, have you considered adding more intense sexual stimulation into your relationship- IE, using a vibrator during foreplay to help you get more aroused?

Well I've suggested using a KY arousal enhancing gel but he said he doesn't like the idea of me getting excited at something other than him and what he's doing

[DN]

It may be not what you are saying but the way you are saying it that is the problem.

[Kitkat973]

Well I've suggested using a KY arousal enhancing gel but he said he doesn't like the idea of me getting excited at something other than him and what he's doing

 

I can't help but find that a bit of an ignorant point of view. Sometimes people have difficulty with arousal or sexual pleasure, and for women especially it can be difficult to reach arousal or sexual satisfaction. Do you think he'd feel differently if he was the one to apply it?

[Stay_home]

I think this is ultimately why women stop having sex with men after a while of being married. Because the guys stop doing all the romantic stuff they used to do and it just becomes a race to get it in and get one off. Sometimes we do just want to have sex and be done with it and don't feel like doing all of that. Which is understandable, because women have that same desire sometimes as well. Like, let's just get it in, get one over with and go to bed. But then sometimes we do have to include the romantic stuff instead of just straight sex. So a balance is healthy.

 

And for some women it really does boil down to how you communicate your wants and desires to your partner. If you do it in a condescending tone, bossy (drill sergeant) type, you're likely to kill the mood. So you have to learn an effective way to communicate your needs without coming off to harsh. Men take a lot of pride in their stick and how they use it, so criticism (or constructive criticism rather) isn't always welcomed with open arms. However, if you can learn to effectively communicate what you need in a optimistic and encouraging fashion, they'll be more likely to work with you. "I like it when you do this, or when you touch me here or there," or "Can we go another round later and try this instead next time?" be encouraging, don't be discouraging. Without even knowning it, sometimes a women can come down on a guy's ego by what happens in the bedroom.

 

If all else fails and there's no possible way to reach a guy in planet bedroom, you have a problem. If he's too insecure and too stubborn to work with you at making a better sexual experience for you both, then you might have to find yourself another partner. If not, learn to accept it and that's what you've got.

[mouseno4]

I like a bossy girl in bed. (personal preference)

[needmoreinfo]

I am in a similar position with my current gf. She says I only focus on the good parts instead of taking my time. Personally I don't see it as her being bossy at all but, I do find it is very frustrating because I am ready to go at a drop of a hat and I know she isn't.

[greywolf]

Well I've suggested using a KY arousal enhancing gel but he said he doesn't like the idea of me getting excited at something other than him and what he's doing

 

He's insecure about you getting excited from something other than him, but won't put the effort into making you sexually excited? How does that even make sense? Tell him that if he doesn't pick up his game you're going to get the arousal gel and get a vibrator too, and he can go get himself off in a corner.

[Sparkly Eyes]

He's insecure about you getting excited from something other than him, but won't put the effort into making you sexually excited? How does that even make sense? Tell him that if he doesn't pick up his game you're going to get the arousal gel and get a vibrator too, and he can go get himself off in a corner.

 

lol, Love this post and of course I agree.

[DN]

Like I said - it's often not what you say but how you say it. Being aggressive and demeaning probably won't help much.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Like I said - it's often not what you say but how you say it. Being aggressive and demeaning probably won't help much.

 

Or perhaps he is just a selfish lover who is looking for excuses to get away with his behavior.

[DN]

Perhaps doesn't cut it when there is a relationship at stake. If what one wants can be accomplished with being aggressive and demeaning then it is at least worth trying. If he then turns out to be uncompromising and won't try then yry something else. But I suggest being aggressive and demeaning first is less likely to work unless that is how one gets one own pleasure.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Perhaps doesn't cut it when there is a relationship at stake. If what one wants can be accomplished with being aggressive and demeaning then it is at least worth trying. If he then turns out to be uncompromising and won't try then yry something else. But I suggest being aggressive and demeaning first is less likely to work unless that is how one gets one own pleasure.

 

I had to deal with the same type of thing before, not exactly like this but close. I sat him down and let him know that it is serious business. If he doesn't change, the relationship/sex won't be the same and it worked. Before I did it, I had tried all kinds of indirect nice ways and none of them worked. Deep inside he knew I was unhappy but he chose to ignore it and act like he didn't know. The last thing you want to do to a selfish lover is to be all nice to him/her. You have to get your point accross direct and clear, specially when you are dealing with men. Or just accept your man is a bad lover and move on to the next.

[DN]

There is a difference between being direct and clear and being aggressive and mean. That applies to men and women but I understand some people do have a hard time with being nice under any circumstances.

[NightLily]

He's insecure about you getting excited from something other than him, but won't put the effort into making you sexually excited? How does that even make sense? Tell him that if he doesn't pick up his game you're going to get the arousal gel and get a vibrator too, and he can go get himself off in a corner.

 

This response was epic on so many levels.

[Sparkly Eyes]

There is a difference between being direct and clear and being aggressive and mean. That applies to men and women but I understand some people do have a hard time with being nice under any circumstances.

 

I'm not sure what you are trying to imply here. Is it an indirect way to say the OP or people who are giving her advice are not nice? You should be direct too instead of beating around the bush.

[NightLily]

To some extent he sounds like he is being a selfish lover here. He isn't concerned about what you need to be interested in sex with him, places his ego above something as silly as lube, and then seems upset that your solution isn't in line with how he likes to do things. From the sounds of it, the issue isn't that you aren't attracted to him so much as you just need more foreplay. He doesn't even have to change much to make this better for the both of you. You need to make that more clear.

 

One way to do so would be by talking about it but you can also change things up yourself or at least try. Decide on some new routine you want to try out on him and surprise him with it.

[DN]

I am saying that there is no reason not to be nice when trying to get what you want but I recognise some people have a hard time with that concept, perhaps their personalities are wired that way.

 

It seems that so many people these days think that the best way to deal with a partner is an in-your-face confrontation and that a put-down is a good way to show a partner how tough they are. But all it really does is justify the partner's action in the first place. If someone has a problem in a relationship advising the nuclear option isn't always the best advice.

[asdf02932093]

Men have this fear that women will seek pleasure elsewhere and abandon us. This is not a bad thing in and of itself, but when coupled with selfishness in the bedroom this is just asinine. If he demands to be your only source of pleasure, he better be ready to be your * * * * * (edit for language - he should be willing to acquiescence to whatever semi-reasonable monogamous request you have).

[needmoreinfo]

He's insecure about you getting excited from something other than him, but won't put the effort into making you sexually excited? How does that even make sense? Tell him that if he doesn't pick up his game you're going to get the arousal gel and get a vibrator too, and he can go get himself off in a corner.

 

I definitely see your point I don't know if I completely agree with that line of thinking. it is much easier to get most guys excited than most girls.

 

What if the situation was reversed and the GF was not satisfying the BF?

 

Lets say the BF wanted try some stuff in bed that the GF was not willing to try. So the BF starts watching porn to get himself excited and the GF gets insecure that the BF is "getting excited from something other than herself"

 

Would you tell her to step up her game and try whatever the BF wants?

[asdf02932093]

Would you tell her to step up her game and try whatever the BF wants?

 

I think its either step up or don't demand that your SO only derives pleasure from yourself. Of course if the demands are too creepy or whatever, thats probably a fatal personality/relationship flaw anyway.

[greywolf]

I definitely see your point I don't know if I completely agree with that line of thinking. it is much easier to get most guys excited than most girls.

 

What if the situation was reversed and the GF was not satisfying the BF?

 

Lets say the BF wanted try some stuff in bed that the GF was not willing to try. So the BF starts watching porn to get himself excited and the GF gets insecure that the BF is "getting excited from something other than herself"

 

Would you tell her to step up her game and try whatever the BF wants?

 

I believe that no two people will ever be 100% sexually compatible with each other, and this is where compromises must be made. My issue here is that he is unwilling to try things such as a sexual arousal gel to help their sex life. He wants to be lazy and place his ego above her pleasure.

 

In your scenario, I would tell her that it is unreasonable to expect that she can satisfy his every sexual fantasy and that as long as he's watching it on his own time, then there's nothing wrong with it.