impending breakup?

[lakerfan3118]

i just need to vent you guys.

took my SO for a romantic day out last Friday on a day off. everything went fine, actually; we went sightseeing, had a nice lunch, flirted for a few hours. it was pretty nice. the last part of the date was just casual time at the park, but that's where things took a turn for the worse. stupidly on my part i thought it would be a good idea since we were talking frankly to talk about our relationship; specifically a few things that rubbed me the wrong way over the past week--understandably a stupid and incredibly selfish decision. honest to god I don't really know what i was thinking. even worse, that evolved into a conversation about the lack of sex in our relationship which is in itself a volatile topic. after a few minutes, she was inevitably outraged and demanded to be taken home.

 

later that night, through text message, she made it clear i was selfish and that she felt i didn't respect her values on sex. after lenghty discussion, she said she didn't want to talk to me anymore. i do not fault her for this. when i asked her if she didn't want to talk to me for good, she replied that she just wanted to be left alone by me right now. i have respected this wish, and will continue to do so. its been 3 days. i do feel i should say something though, but honestly i'm so disappointed in myself, i don't know where to start. i think a simply sorry would be a slap in the face. on her FB, i did notice she wrote the latin translation of goodbye as her status update. i'm disgusted in myself, am afraid i have sabotaged my year and a half relationship for good and do not know what to do

[TakingtheBlame]

Welp, here's the way I see it. Perhaps you didn't choose the right setting for your airing of grievances...BUT considering you felt compelled to air these grievances (and I don't know about the whole "I don't know what came over me" part), I suspect you had good reason. I don't know if you've made any previous threads about this relationship, but judging solely by what I'm seeing here, she's either not having sex with you or consciously rejecting your desire to have sex a certain way that you would prefer, and that makes me think that perhaps this relationship isn't the one for you. It sounds to me like after a year and a half of trying, the relationship was not going anywhere and you two were incompatible on some level. It may be anticlimactic for me to add that I can't say for certain that she is gearing up to break up with you based on a Facebook status alone...but even if she is, do you think it may be for the best? Were you really happy in the relationship if you felt the compelling need to come forward with your concerns? And why would you want to be with a girl who refuses to talk things out if you are genuinely unhappy?

[Kitkat973]

If you feel that you've damaged your relationship by being open and honest about the issues you're having, then that's a flashing red sign that there are more serious issues.

[lakerfan3118]

honestly, the sex conversation wasn't something i was expecting to argue about. she is upset partly because she believes i don't grasp the reasons why she does not want to have sex. being in my early 20's, i crave and express my desire to her rarely, and i suspect she sees this as me undermining her values. but honestly we've been in a relationship that has not been sexually involved for a year and half, and i think i have handled that part of our relationship well, or at least as maturely as a early 20 year old young adult can. in this past argument, the subject was brought up in the wrong context and she in all likelihood saw me as further attacking her principles but i also believe it misrepresented me and how i really feel about the subject. i did not ask for her for sex nor have i ever insinuated it was a major part of our relationship; i wouldn't do that. but i understand perhaps it came off that way given the fact that the conversation was had in that context.

 

as far as airing out grievances, we have very distinct ways of handling misgivings. she is very blunt, and prefers talking about things that bother her at the point of impact. i am the opposite-- if i am angry or upset, for example, i'll let the immediate feelings subside, wait it out a bit, reason, and then if the problem still bothers me decide to bring it up in a reasonable manner. she thinks that this way of coping with problems allows things to drag on, but i really hate confrontation and would rather engage in it if absolutely necessary or warranted. i brought up this issue in what i thought was a peaceful and reasonable manner (even if i misjudged the setting) but she took offense and felt that i was plotting to attack her. this difference in philosophy has been the subject of many arguments in our relationship...i'm not really sure if she's at fault, or i am though. she did however berate me for being overly sensitive which was a little demeaning i guess. i would be more open to her method if the conversations or dialogue ended in a manner that did not resemble this

 

but don't get me wrong, up to this point, we have had a genuinely solid relationship. i've been happy, and given our differences in opinion, i feel terrible. this period of no contact, however, is very tense to say the least

[lakerfan3118]

to an extent. in the past, if i had a problem or disagreement with her, i would just hold it in to avoid confrontation. this wasn't the best way to handle misgivings, because feelings sometimes seep out and leave your partner wondering what they've done and it isn't fair to them if this is an issue that happened in the past. my SO hates this. with this argument, i was open and honest by bringing things up that happened recently, but she felt that those issues should have been brought up right exactly when they happened. this is the point of confrontation between us.

[Kitkat973]

to an extent. in the past, if i had a problem or disagreement with her, i would just hold it in to avoid confrontation. this wasn't the best way to handle misgivings, because feelings sometimes seep out and leave your partner wondering what they've done and it isn't fair to them if this is an issue that happened in the past. my SO hates this. with this argument, i was open and honest by bringing things up that happened recently, but she felt that those issues should have been brought up right exactly when they happened. this is the point of confrontation between us.

 

Addressing something when it happens is something that you can work on doing in the future, but it doesn't make the current situation go away. The issues you brought up aren't invalid because they didn't meet expectations of communication that hadn't been set before this conversation.