declining sex life in long term relationship....

[Zoom2]

Its been awhile since I last visited. Good to see so many familiar names are still here giving great advices.

Revisiting my old posts made me feel very sad that I am still stuck in the same problem with little progress…..well, guess what? Today, I am here again because of the same old issue.

A little background of the issue if you have not read my first thread (I only have 1 post so far)…..months ago, my boyfriend complained about our sex life, and how I don’t initiate sex. He wanted me to spice it up a little by dressing up sexy, seducing him etc….because I work at home, I don’t need to dress up to go out, as a result, he always sees me in my PJ and is annoyed by that sight.

After hearing him out, I tried to put myself in his shoes, and decided to do something about it. I did try to wear something nice, like a tight little skirt, or sexy tank top and short shorts… walk around in the house when he gets home, but he seldom noticed my effort and often would rather watch TV than be passionate with me. We have been together for 3 years, granted, I know people get comfortable with the same old routine, or maybe he is just tired from work or not in the mood, so I let it go many times. However, our sex life has gone downward since April, we have sex, at most twice a month if lucky….most of the time he acts very disinterested, would rather watch TV or do something else….he also works very late almost every day, and go back to work almost every weekend as well.

He and I are both entering our late 30s, but we are physically active, and stay slim and healthy. (Although he is a heavy smoker).

His lack of interest really hurts me, and I start to wonder whether there is another woman. I don’t find any suspicious activities with his phone behavior, the only thing suspicious about him was his working late, but he is a workaholic and has been like this since I met him.

 

So what triggered all this again was last night. He went on a 2 weeks family cruise vacation with his family for his parent’s anniversary. (I was invited but couldn’t go because of work). When he was away, we both missed each other, he txt and told me he wished I was there. When he got back, we were passionate, but because of my period we can’t do much. So, yesterday, my period ended, and I started to initiate sex. I did it once in the morning, playfully, but he said no and pushed me away. I let it go because it was maybe not a good timing because he wanted to go out to run errands…..but at night, when we were both comfortable lying down in bed just flipping through channels on TV, I told him I miss him, I tried to be passionate with him again….but again, he pushed me away. All my pent up anger just about to erupt like a volcano at that time….however, I tried very hard to remain calm while I decided to raise the issue with him right then and there. I knew it was late, I think it was about close to midnight (we both are very late people, we stay up till 2am sometimes even on a workday), however, at that time I wasn’t thinking straight, and knew that if I didn’t bring this up, chances are I will let it slide again and it will be added to accumulative anger. So I said to him “I feel very frustrated at this….i feel like you don’t seem to be very interested in being intimate with me…” right after I said that, he erupted like an atomic bomb!! He yelled at me and said “Right….you are just freaking brilliant at this, aren’t you??? You just have to bring up issues at around midnight before bed time….way to ruin my peaceful evening…..i am telling you, this is just how you are, you have this unpleasant personality that you can’t see, but this is just who you are, I am so sick and tired of this, I can’t do this anymore…from now on, you are not allowed to bring up any issues after 10pm, if you can't agree to this, we are over, you get it?”.

 

There I was, getting completely stunned at his response, I have not even finished my whole sentence yet, but I felt like someone just slapped me accross my face with all the hurtful words and all I saw was stars…..and then he went on to say that my period just ended yesterday, and I expect to have sex right away?? And then he went on to blame everything else, including the movie we were watching on the tv at that time…he said that TV program was just not sexy and if I wanted to have sex, I should have chosen a sexy program on the TV so to set him in the mood….i told him I understood that if he was not in the mood, I am not demanding it right away, but I was merely trying to understand the issues because this has been going on for months….and I knew it was a bad timing to raise the issue at around midnight but I couldn’t help but feel that if I didn’t bring this up, it will get buried under the rug again.

He told me that we need better communications, he encourages me to talk and to express myself. A lot of times I keep things to myself to avoid conflicts like this…and now perhaps you will understand why I cannot have any talk with him….it is because of his extremely defensive and offensive responses….he took it to the personal attack level…telling me he knew I have unpleasant personality….he even attack my culture sometimes.

I had to tell him again and again that all I wanted was to be heard. I need someone compassionate who is willing to hear how I feel. I told him he was the one who wants me to be honest and open about my feelings, but he said “Yes, I want you to communicate, but only at the right time….you couldn’t have picked the best time to talk about this?!!”

And he even told me to get over it….he said “What do you want from me? I am tired, I am not in the mood….what do you want from me?? !! Can’t you accept that people are tired sometimes??”

He said it is ridiculous that I cannot handle rejection, that I should just get over it. He also said that when I said NO to him, he was understanding and fine with it (Which is not true, he always had his way, I seldom said NO to him)….then he recounted all the incidents when I said NO to him, telling him I had headache or tired or whatever…which is also NOT true, because he hardly initiate sex with me anymore, so I don’t know why in his mind, he had this images of me saying No to him.

 

Now I wonder if I had chosen a different time to talk about it his response would have been different? Why was he so defensive about this? Is this a sign of guilt somehow? That he is seeing someone else? I find it strange for a man who claims to be very “sexual and passionate” to be so lack of interest in sex (at least with me, even if i am very active and have a very nice body) I also wanted to cut him some slack because he does have some pressure at work and he is also a heavy smoker….and the fact that he is entering his late 30s might be another contribution to this lack of libido.

 

Was i in the wrong for bringing this up around midnight? Should i apologize? Was it justified for him to yell at me and attack me like this because i "couldnt have picked a better time to bring this up"??

[Eocsor]

It's a very delicate subject, and one of the biggest causes of relationship difficuilties when a mans and a womans sex drive aren't in sync. I'd really suggest counselling for this as well as a trip to the Doctors office as some times loss of libedo can have underlying medical causes. It could be he's angry because he can't perform right now and is using other issues as an excuse to not have sex. Regardless counselling and a doctors visit would be my suggested place to start.

[Zoom2]

It's a very delicate subject, and one of the biggest causes of relationship difficuilties when a mans and a womans sex drive aren't in sync. I'd really suggest counselling for this as well as a trip to the Doctors office as some times loss of libedo can have underlying medical causes. It could be he's angry because he can't perform right now and is using other issues as an excuse to not have sex. Regardless counselling and a doctors visit would be my suggested place to start.

 

thank you for your reply

I did go through a phase of analyzing the whys and the hows about his lack of interest. I wanted to say it is because of his smoking habit ....he smokes almost a pack a day and he is constantly tired and sleeps a lot on the weekend. However, when he is in it, he has no problem performing at all, so i do believe he is healthy and able, he is just not interested. Perhaps it is because of familiarity...we have been together for more than 3 years and live together for 2...the same old routine with the same old person gets old. All i wanted was to express to him how i feel about this without any accusation or demands....but his defensive/offensive reactions completely threw me off balance.

[Kitkat973]

There's no doubt in my mind that he over reacted. How are you supposed to have a healthy relationship with him when he can't even talk to you? His behavior was disrespectful.

[donpeel83]

I feel for you. With my ex i activley tried to improve our sex life by always trying to talk about it, listen to her wants, have surigical work carried out....list goes on and she never returned the same level of dedication or desire and it killed me. EVentally she dumped me but I always tried to talk and she never wanted to listen. I feel the reason being she didnt like to be told she was either doing something wrong or that she wasnt doing it for me. I think because she felt I was pulling her performance over hot coals, she didnt like it and where as when she did it to me I put effort in....when I in turn tried to tell her what I liked/disliked, what was making me happy/unhappy, she didnt like it and put her barriers up. I do know with my ex she had events in her past which led her to this behaviour as previous bf's had cheated on her because of her lack of effort as well as other things.

 

There could be some similarites here with your situation. It could be that maybe he feels inadequate, or that things have happened in his past and somehow the current chain of events are pulling him back mentally and emotionally to that point in time. I think, whilst he did over-react, it kind of feels that you were spoiling for a fight yourself by leaving the situation till late and after he had done a long day. Chances are he was waiting for a "Concrete" move from you, like for example your both watching tv and you suddenly pounce on him and just give him head? I know that sounds crude, but sometimes for a guy (and I guess for a gal) its nice when the partner just pounces with out wanting anything in return. Also with him not initiating sex, it might because he feels he is going to get knocked back and trust me from a guys perspective, eventually you will stop asking if you fear you are going to get rejected. Thats what happened to me.

[Eocsor]

thank you for your reply

I did go through a phase of analyzing the whys and the hows about his lack of interest. I wanted to say it is because of his smoking habit ....he smokes almost a pack a day and he is constantly tired and sleeps a lot on the weekend. However, when he is in it, he has no problem performing at all, so i do believe he is healthy and able, he is just not interested. Perhaps it is because of familiarity...we have been together for more than 3 years and live together for 2...the same old routine with the same old person gets old. All i wanted was to express to him how i feel about this without any accusation or demands....but his defensive/offensive reactions completely threw me off balance.

 

 

Well, it's a very sensitive subject for most men so expecting a reasoned response when confronted as he was may be a bit much. You should probably approach this in a less confrontational manner if you want to get anywhere. After all you are questioning his manhood in a sense.

 

Also, just because he can perform some times doesn't mean he still couldn't have underlying medical issues. If you are serious about tackling this you will have to explore all your avenues and a Doctor is the obvious place to start. You may well need to see a therapist as well because tackling such a sensitive issue on your own will probably not work.

 

It all depends on how seriously you want to tackle the problem. It will take some serious time and effort to find solutions. Good Luck.