i should have ended it yesterday.

[wicked6018]

well, i posted an update on my situation, but only one person has replied, so i guess i'll just post this to vent. it would be great to have some advice, though.

 

my mom and my sister both agree that despite how he says he wants to try to make things work, that it sounds like he really wants to break up but just doesn't have the balls to do it, so he's trying to get me to do it. well, if that's what he wants, that's what he gets.

 

another thing i failed to mention: about a year ago, he was in a tornado and his vehicle was destroyed. since then he has been borrowing one of my parents' vehicles. during the big talk this past weekend, he mentioned how he hates driving their car and how his truck will be out of the shop this week and he can give their car back. to me, whenever he has said that, it sounds like he is wanting to get rid of that last attachment that he has to me.

 

my sister had a point when i talked to her today. for the first year or so that we were together, everything was great. that's when we got engaged. but over the last six months, and my family has noticed, we have fought a lot. my sister said his body language is not loving towards me at all, and i agree. the first year we were together he was so romantic. he did the sweetest things for my birthday and valentine's day. guess what he did for me on those days this year? Nothing. not a flower, not a 99 cent card, nothing. my mom even told him before valentines that he needed to do SOMETHING for me because of how much he upset my on my birthday, and he told her he already had something planned. apparently, he lied to my mom, because he had nothing and did nothing for me.

 

he said that he couldn't because he has no money. well, he has always had money to spend on his stupid band or to buy his stupid friends food.

 

i know i can do better. i texted him this morning after talking with my sister and said we need to meet up. i'm going to end it. i wish i had yesterday. i should have known this was inevitable. he just gave me so much hope yesterday and it felt so good to be around him, even in these circumstances. but i honestly don't see us getting any better. we were engaged, and now we aren't. to me, we may as well be broken up. i know what i want in life, marriage, kids. that's what he wanted too. but now he doesn't know if he wants that with me, and i am miserable waiting here to see what he decides. if he really loved me, he would just know.

 

do yall agree??? please help.

[Mustachio]

Well one thing it seems to me is that you are trying very hard to figure him out as a way to guide your own actions. If you are truly miserable in the relationship you need to leave. And yes after being engaged, he should either know or he shouldnt. Usually when you take that step in a relationship you do it because you are certain and you know you want to be together. Its always incredibly difficult to take a step backwards in a relationship and it usually causes the relationship to end. You obviously are not happy that you took this step back and it doesnt seem to be working for you, so I think your decision is the right one. He hasnt shown you any real changes for the better and unless he actually shows you, do what you need to do.

[wicked6018]

i just want to take all his things, leave a note saying "it's over," and leave it on his doorstep. i don't even want to see him again and i DON'T feel like i owe him that. i have put my heart and soul into this relationship, and he couldn't even celebrate my birthday or valentine's day with me? i just can't stop crying. i've lost my best friend, i have no others, the two that i do have, i never see because they are far away. also, they are in happy relationships/married. EVERYONE around me is married, engaged, happily in a relationship, and i have to go through all this pain. it's not fair. it's going to end, isn't it? i can't hold on, right?

[abitbroken]

Not all men express themselves with cards and flowers. Some men express themselves by physical touch and cuddling, through doing little odd jobs to help you, etc. I think your mom and sister need to butt out of your relationship. It sounds like they are trying to make up your mind and are ganging up that he can do no right. I think he told your mom he had something planned to get her off his back. Why is it your mom's business what he does for V day or not anyways? She is not in the relationship. Heck, my bf and I don't celebrate v day other than having a dessert at home together.

 

You have to resolve this with him, it can't be them chattering about his body language, etc. I don't know what he did on your birthday, but when someone does something not to your expectation, all they can do is apologize. They don't need to "make it up" in some grand gesture all the time. Don't try to 'read between the lines". If he says he wants to make it work, take it at face value and talk to HIM about how you are going to both do that. Also, if he sounded like he wanted to be rid of the car, maybe he just wanted to be rid of the feeling that he owes your folks something. He may also feel that your mom feels since he is using the car, she has the entitlement to be overinvolved in your relationship and that she owns him.

 

btw, when you complain to person A about person B somehow hoping person A will set B straight for you, or that they get involved with telling B about how you should be treated - that is called triangulation and its a relationship killer. Dont tell your mom and sis how you feel - talk to HIM>

 

Please let him give the car back to your folks and let things cool off. Tell your mom and sis to butt out or don't tell them so much. (i mean, if you guys last a long time, that kind of involvement is murder in a marriage. Take a breather. Than start going on dates with your bf without any expectation of what should and shouldn't happen.

[wicked6018]

i just feel like, we were engaged nine months, and now he doesn't know if he wants to be with me? shouldn't he know by now? no romance or little gifts may be fine for some people, but i expect a t least a 99 cent card, and he knew that. and if he can spend money on his stupid friends, buying them food, and put money toward his stupid band, he can spend a * * * * ing dollar to make me feel special. the biggest thing for me: that he's never been kind or sensitive to me about how mean his friends are to me. he's supposed to protect me and stick up for me. he should have found a way to move out of his ex's sister's house, and whether or not he says he was finacially able to, i just don't know that i can believe him on that.

[Jd1983]

Honestly, I don't think the main thing to be concerned about is the card, or romantic gifts.

 

Your relationship has a lot more issues than just that.

 

I suggest that you have a long talk with him and find out what it is that he truly wants. If you truly feel as though he's not right for you, then yes I do agree that it's best to end things.

[wicked6018]

see, we have had long talks. the long talks were this past weekend. we talked for four hours. he bluntly said, he doesn't know if he wants to be with me. he knows he wants marriage. he knows he wants kids. he just doesn't know if it's with me. and he has been with me and known me far long enough to know. trust me, i am not basing this on romantic gifts. if i was, i'd have broken up with him in february.

[wicked6018]

another thing that has bothered me about him for many months: during intimacy, he would always want me to pleasure him, but really showed no interest in pleasuring me. he would, but i always had to request it. it was always so forced. i pleasured him because i loved him, and i would just initiate it, or give it to him whenever he would ask. he never, ever would initiate it to me, and often would not even do anything when i asked.

[Jd1983]

If he's already told you that he's not sure what it is that he wants, then the best thing to do is to take some time apart to figure out what it is that you both want.

 

If he can't handle things while being engaged, how do you think it would be like if you were married.

 

I also noticed that each time you mentioned him, there seems to be something else that bothers you about him. Can you honestly say that you were truly happy with him?

 

Marriage is a lifetime commitment. This time apart may be helpful for both of you.

[wicked6018]

i'm going to have to do it. if i stay with him, i have very serious doubts that we will be happy. i think i deserve better. people change, and i just have to accept that. i'd rather end it now than prolong it and it hurt worse later. i need time to heal before my fall semester classes start. i guess if it's meant to be, then we will reunite in the future. i just hope that if that happens, he has grown up a lot and gotten rid of his attachments to immature , rude, etc. people.

[abitbroken]

Okay - this is the same guy as two other threads. It is hard to give advice on three threads where things are portrayed slightly differently each time. I think both of you have things to work on. I think that you need to find some confidence in yourself to not need to seek validation from others, and to not make decisions in your relationship based on family influences. Relationships have two people in them, not , 4, 5 or 6 Also, if is friends are mean to you, you can speak up for yourself, right? and either come back at them with a humorous comeback to let them know to stop it, but that they aren't getting under your skin, or to ignore them. Also, if he ignores them and doesn't care what they say, not every guy picks a fight with friends over a woman. Sure, maybe he should have said "that's not nice" but ultimately, you need to stick up for yourself too. They might just be jealous. If you do break up, or take time away, work on these things.

 

As far as he goes, I cannot say because he is not here and I don't know him - but you know he is not the type to shower you with gifts, so either leave if you are not happy or look for the other ways that he shows he cares. He may not be mature enough to be engaged, but he is not here. It is about you and what you decide for yourself.

[wicked6018]

i'm going to end it. he's way too mature, i just didn't realize it until all this came falling down on me. we are in two different stages in life: i'm ready to get married and have kids, and though he says he is, he can't even really make things for for a simple relationship right now, in my opinion. all these things that i feel have not been put into my head by my family. these are things i know.

[wicked6018]

meant to say way to immature.

[abitbroken]

i'm going to end it. he's way too mature, i just didn't realize it until all this came falling down on me. we are in two different stages in life: i'm ready to get married and have kids, and though he says he is, he can't even really make things for for a simple relationship right now, in my opinion. all these things that i feel have not been put into my head by my family. these are things i know.

 

If you are ready to be married, make yourself someone that is marriageable. really, don't share every detail of your relationships with family. IF they are calling the play by play and interpreting his body language, etc, they are way too involved. Take some time to be alone for a bit and figure out who you are. If you live with your folks, maybe work on changing that. I wouldn't be married if I haven't lived on my own or with a roommate for a little bit and was in charge of my own bills. Living under your parents roof allows you to be in charge of your bills, but ultimately, if you are short, they aren't kicking you out and nothing gets shut off.

Also, accept dates after time goes on even if you just go out once or twice with a few people. You don't want to be on the prowl "for a husband" because guys can tell. You want to just have your confidence and weed guys out if you end up dating exclusively if they don't want the same things if the relationship progresses in the next few years

[wicked6018]

well. i'm still confused. feel a tiny bit better, but still confused. i met up with him, gave him all his stuff, and we talked again, for a long time. he is very depressed about the situation too. we both agreed that he needs to be out of that house and stable with a good job before we can be together. i will be finished with school in ten months, and by then, he hopes to be stable. we are going to take time apart and let him figure himself out. he told me that i deserve the best and that he feels bad that he can't provide that to me right now. he said that we overuse "i love you", and i definitely agree with him on that. that is all we ever say or text to each other, because we have nothing else to say. he feels that time apart will give us more to talk about, and it will help us to miss each other more. when i saw him today, it felt like a first date, kind of. we actually had some conversation, because we have had time apart over the past few days. i'm still confused because i don't really know what our status is....it's like he couldn't say the word "single." he said that he definitely does not want to be "available," and that he worries that men will be after me. he has promised to me that when he gets on his feet, he will come back for me. this is great if it all works out, but how do i know it will? what if i wait ten months, and come to find out he has another girl? i don't think he would do that to me without letting me know. it's just so, so hard to know. i do love this man, and after today, i believe he loves me. oh, also, he brought up counseling today, which sounds hopeful to me. he said he just wants to be able to come over to my parent's house driving his own vehicle, and wearing a nice uniform. i don't know. i guess i just need to let him figure himself out, and in the mean tim e try to not think of him constantly. just don't know ohw to do that

[abitbroken]

I think that's great. I would just concentrate on school and personal healing - whatever makes you feel fulfilled with your life and your self. Don't actively go looking for dates. Make new friends. If he calls you after that and asks you on a date and you happen to be available and want to, reconnect, but you will have higher standards for the way you want to be treated then. If he doesn't meet the basics - not cards or flowers, but just respect, it won't work. But you will be a different person who doesn't accept disrespect and he will either step up to the plate or not. To heal, you need to let go of what he is doing or not and not care if he dates or not - just focus on you.

 

e said he just wants to be able to come over to my parent's house driving his own vehicle, and wearing a nice uniform.

 

I think that is about personal pride. When he has his own car and looks presentable, he feels better and more deserving of you. He doesn't want to be engaged if he ever is again, to a woman and he can't even take pride to press his clothes and get his car on the road.

[wicked6018]

thanks. i'm so confused. he was so sweet when i saw him and said i can still text him or call him if i need him for anything, but it hurts. i can't be just friendly with him. i just texted him and when he texted back he was so short : (

[abitbroken]

Don't text him. Sometimes people say "my door is always open" or "I am here if you need me" and they don't mean it or can't do it yet. When you text and he doesn't fulfill your expectations in his response, it just hurts you. Give him lots of space and he needs to give the same to you right now. Only contact him if something serious happens like a relative of yours he was very very close to dies. Normally I would say don't but since you were engaged he may feel like he's family. Other than that, to heal, you can't be texting with idle chit chat

[wicked6018]

and that's what confuses me, he says he wants to talk and hang out from "time to time." i feel like, he can either have all of me or none of me. any in between is going to kill me, and i'll be hanging on to every little "friendly" texts he sends me, wanting more. : ( he said he isn't wanting to meet anyone else, and that when he gets back in ten months from the military, he is going to come find me. but how am i supposed to believe that when we've just broken up??? how am i supposed to fret and worry and pine away for him for ten months, when we aren't even in a relatoinship??? he seemed very depressed about the situation yesterday, too, but when i texted him last night, he was out with a friend getting food. so he seems to be doing fine to me.