NC broken in a very weird way

[GreenPolicy]

To Sum Up: Boy meets Girl. Boy falls madly in love. Boy tells Girl he wants to get married and ride off into the sunset together. Girl happily agrees. Boy is firming up the logistics of putting a ring on it when Girl abruptly calls things off with little explanation.

 

Boy is heartbroken and devastated, but he doesn't embarrass himself and finds the strength to go NC. Months go by. He starts to get on with his life, but he thinks of her often. He sets up a profile on OK Cupid for the purpose of "getting back out there" and meeting somebody else. It should be noted that Boy lives in a metro area of 6.3 million people, with presumably thousands of people in his area active on OKC. One morning about nine months after Girl abruptly cut him out of her life, he gets an email notifying him that somebody has sent him a message on OKC. He reads a short message from a lady that he does not know that says "Howdy. how are you? Just wanted to say you have lovely taste in music." He browses to the profile to look at her pictures, where she has uploaded several of her posing with her friends. Guess who appears in two of the photos? Girl who broke his heart. The pictures have obviously been taken since she left his life. Boy has not initiated any contact or looked Girl up on facebook. It is his first (involuntary) glimpse at Girl and her life after the split.

 

Boy is shocked and freaked out. He initially decides to ignore, but finally decides to reply. He writes "Hi, I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for your compliment, but I am not interested in conversing any further. Please respect my wishes. I will say, however, that you have good taste in friends. C_____ (the ex's real name, but he doesn't identify how he knows her) is a lovely and remarkable woman with a beautiful soul. Good luck with your search and take care.

 

D_______ (his real name)"

[Unknownxl]

Very odd. Makes you wonder if it really was a coincidence. It will be interested to hear a reply if you get one.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't want a reply, and I told the girl not to write me back. It's been nine months, so I assume my ex is with somebody else at this point. I am truly ignorant of what is going on in her life,bbut I tell myself that she has a bf now to avoid getting my hopes up and keep moving on. Ignorance is bliss.

[magnoliatree]

If you didn't want a reply or contact why did you even mention your ex at all?

[GreenPolicy]

Because I wrote back impulsively before thinking about it.

[iBroken]

Because its only fair to the girl who contacted him to know why she is getting a reply that says Do not contact me again.

 

I would have replied if I were in your shoes. Dont feel bad about how you handled it.

[wicked6018]

i think that was a kind of nasty message that you sent back, if it was just a coincidence, but i just doesn't sound like it could be. man, i have to be honest with you, i tried okcupid because i was so lonely and depressed. i met someone, we fell in love, got engaged, started fighting for months, he broke my heart, and now we are breaking up. i would steer clear of dating sites and just let time happen, let the "one" come to you. you can't force it. consider yourself lucky that she did not accept your proposal, and then, months later, break your heart into pieces.

[GreenPolicy]

I don't think it was nasty. I didn't insult her, and I basically explained in a tactful manner why I couldn't pursue anything with her ("You're friends with my ex.")

 

I dunno if it was a coincidence or not. I'm going to tell myself that it was for peace of mind. I received the message Saturday. The last two nights I've had the same sleeping patterns as right after the breakup (toss and turn, finally fall asleep, wake back up at 3 am soaking in sweat, toss and turn again and not fall back asleep).

[GreenPolicy]

Because its only fair to the girl who contacted him to know why she is getting a reply that says Do not contact me again.

 

I would have replied if I were in your shoes. Dont feel bad about how you handled it.

 

My reply was aimed squarely at the person who sent me the message, not my ex. I did not want to divulge info about myself that could get back to my ex, or learn something about my ex that I did not want to know. If this were a fishing expedition by my ex, do you think she would take the "do not converse with me" further as aimed at her?

[magnoliatree]

Well, honestly, I do think your reply was harsh, since all you really had to do was just reply as you'd normally reply to someone that you aren't interested in: no thanks, best of luck or just plain silence. Your reply would indicate that you aren't over your ex at all and comes off a bit bitter. Even if that's not the case, if I received that response, that's what I would think.

[GreenPolicy]

Well, honestly, I do think your reply was harsh, since all you really had to do was just reply as you'd normally reply to someone that you aren't interested in: no thanks, best of luck or just plain silence. Your reply would indicate that you aren't over your ex at all and comes off a bit bitter. Even if that's not the case, if I received that response, that's what I would think.

 

How am I bitter when I compliment my ex? Where is the harshness? I guess I'm not seeing it.

[magnoliatree]

A more normal reply, if you wanted to play it cool would have been:

 

"Hi, I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for your compliment, but I don't think that we are compatible. Good luck with your search and take care.

 

D_______ (his real name)"

 

I just think saying: " I am not interested in conversing any further. Please respect my wishes." to someone who wrote to you one time politely is a bit over the top. And mentioning/complimenting your ex shows that she is obviously the reason why you were so abrupt - bc you aren't over her. I hope I explained that well??

[GreenPolicy]

A more normal reply, if you wanted to play it cool would have been:

 

"Hi, I appreciate you writing and want to say thanks for your compliment, but I don't think that we are compatible. Good luck with your search and take care.

 

D_______ (his real name)"

 

I just think saying: " I am not interested in conversing any further. Please respect my wishes." to someone who wrote to you one time politely is a bit over the top. And mentioning/complimenting your ex shows that she is obviously the reason why you were so abrupt - bc you aren't over her. I hope I explained that well??

 

I've been NC pretty much since the beginning and have never in any way shown any anger or bitterness towards my ex. She waited three months after the breakup to contact me to ask for her bike back. The last time I saw her in January, I was polite and pleasant. My parting words to her were "I just want to say: take care of yourself, I wish you well, I will always care about you, and thank you for letting me be a part of your life."

 

Maybe I could have phrased it a little better, but by complimenting my ex on what I believe are her good qualities, I felt I was sending the message that I hold no bitterness towards her. It is true that I'm not over her, it takes a long time to heal from being violently and abruptly cut out of somebody's life like that, but that's different from being spiteful, jaded and bitter and hating somebody. While it hurt and I didn't like it, I had to respect my ex's wishes to pursue what she felt was best for her. I have felt a lot of anger over what happened, but that is a normal emotion to process. I don't believe I projected any anger towards my ex in that message, but I realize others may read it and perceive it differently.

[magnoliatree]

GP, I'm not judging you at all - I know it is hard, I was just trying to give you my honest impression and help you understand how your message might have come off to someone else.

[GreenPolicy]

GP, I'm not judging you at all - I know it is hard, I was just trying to give you my honest impression and help you understand how your message might have come off to someone else.

 

I'm just saying that I don't think my response comes accross as pathetic or reflects really poorly on me. Emotions run very high when it comes to my ex.

[Danny77]

I think the response is not the issue here people!!!

 

It must have been an absolute shock to see what he saw and i don't think anyone here would've delt with it in the perfect way.

 

Dude I think you did the right thing.

We all would've struggled to send a message explaining why the cease of conversation so you did just fine.

 

I also wonder if it was as inocent as it seems?

 

Sorry you had to see that man...

[GreenPolicy]

Now I understand why people say keeping NC is so very important. I didn't initiate this, but it is a setback. I've felt physically ill the last couple days.

[Aims7]

Wow that's pretty crazy. It may well have been the ex asking her to check if you were on. If your real name wasn't on the post she could search by age, height and hair colour etc maybe? I don't think your reply was harsh but I guess we all read text with different tones.

 

Sorry to hear it's brought it all back. I was hoping I could be friends with my ex in that time frame but it sounds from your experience that the pain may just flood back.

 

Hopefully because you've had those months between the initial pain, this one will go away pretty quickly. Let's hope you're right as rain again in a few days.

[Danny77]

True true!

I also hope it doesn't take long to be back to good again.

[tresqua]

i would steer clear of dating sites and just let time happen, let the "one" come to you. you can't force it. consider yourself lucky that she did not accept your proposal, and then, months later, break your heart into pieces.

 

I will suggest that this advice be disregarded. Your next girlfriend isn't just going to magically appear out of nowhere and jump into your lap and throw her arms around you.

 

You need to actively pursue these women to make something happen and the online dating sites are a proven means to do just that. There's no evidence that relationships that begin from an online dating site are any more or less prone to fail than relationships that begin from other methods of first contact.

 

As far as the response to the chick on the dating site who is friends with the ex, I would have responded "F--k Off".

[GreenPolicy]

 

As far as the response to the chick on the dating site who is friends with the ex, I would have responded "F--k Off".

 

I didn't want to be rude because I assumed it was a coincidence. You think it wasn't?

[tresqua]

I didn't want to be rude because I assumed it was a coincidence. You think it wasn't?

 

Of course it was no coincidence. That's why I would have said "F * * K Off".

 

If I thought it was a coincidence and she was a hottie I would have said "Send me your number I always like to chat before setting up a first date".

 

Odds are, if she WAS a hottie then it was no coincidence, if she was a fugly and you on the other hand are a good looking dude with a good profile and you get a lot of unsolicited messages, then she just "might" have been innocent and trying to meet a guy. You can think of the innocent coincidence odds going up as a continuum directly in proportion to how unappealing she is (and as good looking as you may be).

 

What did she look like? And what do YOU look like? And how many unsolicited messages do you receive from women in the course of a week?

 

It matters.

[GreenPolicy]

This is what I look like:

 

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link removed

 

In a good week, I might get 4-5 unsolicited messages, most weeks maybe 2-3.

 

My ex is on the left, the girl who messaged me is on the right:

 

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[tresqua]

Dude it was no coincidence.

[GreenPolicy]

Dude it was no coincidence.

 

What is the purpose behind something like this? In the last month I had started to feel better. This has been a setback. I've had trouble sleeping the last few nights.