Could use some help

[Grey123]

Hello, first time poster here.

 

First off, I'm 16 and becoming a junior this year. There's this girl I really like but don't know very well at this point. I haven't really been in a serious relationship, but then again deep relationships are pretty rare in high school. She's been in two relationships in the past couple of years in which her boyfriend has broken up with her. Now from what I hear from a friend, she thinks most guys are jerks, which is understandable. A relationship right away is definitely not what I'm expecting. Another problem is that I have a lot of trouble talking to girls that I like (a very unique case, I know).

 

If this is too long, I apologize. I'll put a "long-story-short" paragraph at the bottom.

 

I really don't know her all that well even on a friendship basis. I officially met her at a friend's birthday party, but I had seen her around some of my friends the previous year. The party ended up being mostly couples slow-dancing. A friend and I were sitting off to the side and talking and she came up to us, since she knew him. She introduced herself with a handshake and a smile and I was interested pretty much right away. She went to go get a drink and the friend told me she was currently dating someone; I think he was into her at the time. Anyway, I was feeling really out of place and awkward that night, since it was mostly couples. I didn't try to talk to her much back then, which I regret.

 

The next time I saw her was at a school event where people represent their countries and the unique foods and other things that originate from them. She was running the Canada booth, and I made some small talk and tried some snacks. Nothing very significant.

 

A week or so later, she was in the same group as me for a casual school group dance (Techno/Rave). before we went to the dance, we all met at someone's house to get ready. I was being myself and was comfortable with so many friends around and cracked a few jokes here and there, generally trying to be pretty outgoing. She seemed to laugh at all of my jokes and smiled a lot. At this point she had broken up with her boyfriend, but I had no idea. Overall it went great, but I didn't ask her to dance because I thought she was still in a relationship. This dance was pretty close to the end of the school year and I hadn't really seen her again until the other day when she went to a pool party that I hosted.

 

I wanted to give a shot at trying to get to know her without seeming creepy, so I invited her and some of her friends that I knew to a pool party that I had planned(along with several other friends of mine). They walked over to the party since one of the friends lives pretty close and I smiled and said hello. She waved back and smiled and then I welcomed them into the back yard with a little small talk and made them laugh in the process. I was pretty happy that she came, and the party went really well. We all played volleyball and it pretty crazy afterwards. We all took a break and had some food and talked in a group for a while, which was good. Anyway, I think the party was a good way to at least get in the friend zone with her. I asked her and friends if they wanted to have another party in a couple of weeks and they happily agreed. When she left she smiled again and thanked me for inviting her.

 

So, does it seem like I'm on the right track? I know of a few guys at our school that like her besides me, but she thinks a lot of them are creeps, from what I hear. I don't want to rush into this due to fear of that very reason. I really like this girl and don't want to ruin any chance I might have by doing something stupid. I also want to clarify that she has a pretty outgoing personality and the fact that she smiles at me might not mean anything, since she seems to act that way with many people.

 

Long story short, I hardly know a girl that I like and would like to get closer to this summer without seeming creepy. I'm not sure exactly how to go about this, and get pretty nervous speaking to girls that I like. Any advice?

 

Thank you in advance for any help offered!

[chitown9]

Yes, I think that you are on the right track! It is summer and a good time for dating. Take advantage of it. Are there any festivals going on in or near your town? Any water parks? Any movie theaters? Do you have have a friend with a girlfriend that you could double date with? I think that this would be the way to start narrowing down to where you can have an exclusive date with her. Keep it casual at the beginning and have fun !! It's summer

[TwelveThirty]

How did you get to invite her? Facebook? Anyways, you already had a group activity together and she's acted positive. I say if you're not too shy just ask her out (through facebook if you have to). Then, you don't have to face a public and so I suppose you won't feel as shy (to be judged) in front of her.

[Grey123]

Yes, I think that you are on the right track! It is summer and a good time for dating. Take advantage of it. Are there any festivals going on in or near your town? Any water parks? Any movie theaters? Do you have have a friend with a girlfriend that you could double date with? I think that this would be the way to start narrowing down to where you can have an exclusive date with her. Keep it casual at the beginning and have fun !! It's summer

Yeah, there is actually a town festival going on in a few weeks that I will probably try to invite her to!

 

How did you get to invite her? Facebook? Anyways, you already had a group activity together and she's acted positive. I say if you're not too shy just ask her out (through facebook if you have to). Then, you don't have to face a public and so I suppose you won't feel as shy (to be judged) in front of her.

I used Facebook to invite her to the pool party, yes. But that was also because I don't have her number. Does anyone have any idea as to how I could get her number as a friend without it seeming strange?

 

Thanks!

[chitown9]

Since you were able to reach her on facebook in the past, I would use facebook to get her phone number. I would say something like: Hey there Susie! Sure glad you could make it to my pool party. Do you have a phone number so I can call you for any future events that may be coming up?.....stay cool! Pete

[Grey123]

I think I would like to clarify a little bit, actually. I have two major concerns here. The first being that I didn't make much of a first impression, and the second being her past relationships.

 

When I met her at a mutual friend's birthday party, all I did was shake hands and introduce myself. I didn't do anything beyond that, partly because I'm shy and partly because I was feeling pretty sh***y that evening. What I'd like to do is break the ice and get to the point where I can just talk to her without her friends and without it being weird. I'm normally very social and not shy at all around my friends, but very shy around those that I don't know well. I'm just really terrible at getting past that initial barrier. What can I do or say to get past that?

 

My second concern is the issue with her past relationships. I don't know much about them, but from what I gather, her past two boyfriends ended up dumping her and this has left her with a very negative view on guys/dating. All of that is according to a good friend of mine who knows a lot of her friends. What I'm saying is, I would like to approach her without coming accross as just another d****ebag after her for her looks.

 

Any advice or tips on this?

 

Once again, thanks for any help offered!

[TwelveThirty]

You're trying to open a relationship with a girl for who you bear interest and you are usually shy in front of new people. That's a double barrier. If you want to play double, you can, but if you want to take it one at a time, you can start getting to know new people. You can use your closest city park as your field. Go there and introduce yourself. Beat the biggest barrier down and as soon as you do it, you'll be done with it forever in your whole life. That's one tip.

 

If you don't want to think you're just a (quote: ) d-bag approaching her just for her looks, then don't approach her just for her looks. If you feel guilty of it, there must be a reason. Is it because, in fact, you're interested in her for her looks? Since you haven't got the chance to talk to her that much yet, then it might be the case. However, even if it is, you still can avoid to be like the previous guys by being effectively respectful, courteous, responsible and smart. It's hard to be especially on a first date with no experience, but if you ask me how to avoid to be a bad boyfriend, I would answer you to be just like you are with anyone else. Yes, that's right, even if that includes to be friendly, but you never know how far this can take you to start out slow. Many would argue not to do this and will talk to you about techniques that work when trying to pick up girls. I heard those are usually closest to turn into bad relationships, or that they don't hold well to long-term commitment.

 

You're still young and can well afford to experience a lot of variables and to learn much from these short relationships because you become serious about staying in one. So please don't be too thoughtful and try something, or otherwise you can stop bothering about it all in all until you are ready to commit. Nevertheless, this experience comes in very handy when you get ready to this new type of relationship and I must admit that the first efforts to get one also work well to build strong skills at many other fields in your life, such as social relationships and work.

[chitown9]

Physical attraction is what draws people together in the first place, especially for men. Not a negative thing, just the way it is. Keep moving forward on this....you will do fine.

[Grey123]

Hello again, thanks for the responses. A little update on my situation.

 

This past Saturday I made a group for a festival in town and this girl went with. The whole night and next day were awesome. During the walk from my house over to the place where the festival was being held, I stayed in the general area where she was with a friend to back me; having a friend along really helped combat my shyness. The three of us got into a conversation about joining Cross-Country running this year. She and the friend are both doing it this year and she was encouraging me to join too, which can't be a bad sign.

 

As our group started to wither down due to people going to different attractions, I stayed with the part that she was with. we went on a few rides and just hung out for a while. Humor tends to be a strong suit of mine, and I stuck to it. Made her laugh a good amount of times during the festival and afterwards. Everyone had a great time and afterwards, one of our mutual friends invited some people to crash at her house. This was an awesome opportunity for me to get to know her better in a smaller group of people, so I was pretty psyched.

 

The whole night turned out to be pretty strange, and I mean in the best way possible. The sleepover ended up being one of my closest friends, his girlfriend, my crush, another girl, and me. we sort of just sat around in the basement for a while and talked about funny times at school for a while, then watched a movie. We even set off some fireworks at about 2am. I expected them to all go to bed pretty early, since it was a pretty long day, with the festival and all. But no, before I knew it, it was 5am. my friend's girlfriend went to sleep at that point, so it was just four of us now. The girls then decided that the best course of action would be to walk aimlessly around town at 5am. So we all had a great time just walking around and talking, getting to know each other somewhat. My friend and I are great with situational humor, and were making the girls laugh pretty much the whole time. We even made some good inside jokes between us, which was a huge bonus.

 

After a while, the other girl's boyfriend came over and drove us all to a local zoo. This is the part that I found interesting. This girl that I like is normally very outgoing and has no problem starting conversations. Now that the other girl's boyfriend was with us, we were the only singles in the group. At many points when we were walking, it ended up being me walking alongside her, while the couples held hands. I got pretty nervous a these points and didn't talk much, and neither did she. We both sort of just walked, quietly, and awkwardly. I don't know if this means anything, or if it was just all in my head.

 

I'm pretty sure everyone involved will look back on the whole time fondly, It was pretty great. The day after we got back, she thanked me over Facebook along with some other friends for organizing the event and like a few of my statuses. Before the event, we never talked or anything on Facebook. It probably didn't mean much, but it still made me pretty happy.

 

The more I learn about this girl, the more I like her. We seem to have a lot in common, ranging from favorite Pop-tart flavors, to music preferences, sports, and even our religious views (which is very rare, seeing as I'm Agnostic). With school coming up in the future, I'm hoping to have some classes with her, seeing as we seem to be taking similar ones. So, do I have a shot at this? She seemed to portray a decent amount of interest in me this time around. Could the awkwardness at the zoo mean have meant that she was nervous as well? I'm not saying that I think she's interested in me as well at this point, but it could be something.

[TwelveThirty]

Just keep being her friend - it's the best way to gain serious confidence and proximity towards her because otherwise my impression is that you're not ready for a rough road and taking the shortcuts. So keep it up and don't worry about the rest. Worries and thoughts in my opinion can only make it worse for you as it stands.

[dashda]

I'd say keep doing what you are doing now, being a friend except I think you should use some body language and that way you won't fall into the friend zone too easily. Not anything creepy, just try to touch her every once in a while when you see it's appropriate.

 

When she gets used to it, it's easier. I'm bad at it myself but it helps a lot with women I've noticed. For example a light tap on the shoulder or a highfive for starters when you find opportunities. And you can then slowly work your way up towards longer touches while talking to her etc. Maybe hug her if you find yourself in a situation in which you haven't seen her in a long time, or you're surprised to see her.

 

But I think you're doing pretty well even at the moment, making her laugh a lot is good. Inside jokes even better.

 

However, like often on this board people say: "You can be nice but don't be a needy, desperate clingy doormat whose over the girl walks all the time." Just saying this cos it's important, not that I think you are being like that. Maybe you already knew you should never behave like this with girls.

 

Hope my advice is worth something! Best of luck bro!

[chitown9]

 

Could the awkwardness at the zoo mean have meant that she was nervous as well? I'm not saying that I think she's interested in me as well at this point, but it could be something.

 

Yes, Grey! you ever get her phone number? If not, ask her for it on facebook as I suggested in my earllier post. It is time to ask her out to the movies or something like that with just dinner with the two of you afterwards. Timing is very important, Grey. I think that it is time for you to move on this now

[Grey123]

Just keep being her friend - it's the best way to gain serious confidence and proximity towards her because otherwise my impression is that you're not ready for a rough road and taking the shortcuts. So keep it up and don't worry about the rest. Worries and thoughts in my opinion can only make it worse for you as it stands.

Yeah that's probably what I'll do, thanks. Although I am gaining confidence.

 

I'd say keep doing what you are doing now, being a friend except I think you should use some body language and that way you won't fall into the friend zone too easily. Not anything creepy, just try to touch her every once in a while when you see it's appropriate.

 

When she gets used to it, it's easier. I'm bad at it myself but it helps a lot with women I've noticed. For example a light tap on the shoulder or a highfive for starters when you find opportunities. And you can then slowly work your way up towards longer touches while talking to her etc. Maybe hug her if you find yourself in a situation in which you haven't seen her in a long time, or you're surprised to see her.

 

But I think you're doing pretty well even at the moment, making her laugh a lot is good. Inside jokes even better.

 

However, like often on this board people say: "You can be nice but don't be a needy, desperate clingy doormat whose over the girl walks all the time." Just saying this cos it's important, not that I think you are being like that. Maybe you already knew you should never behave like this with girls.

 

Hope my advice is worth something! Best of luck bro!

 

This was definitely helpful. I hadn't considered the body language much. I guess I'll just try and use that in the right situations. As for being a clingy doormat, that's exactly what I've been avoiding =P.

 

Yes, Grey! you ever get her phone number? If not, ask her for it on facebook as I suggested in my earllier post. It is time to ask her out to the movies or something like that with just dinner with the two of you afterwards. Timing is very important, Grey. I think that it is time for you to move on this now

 

I don't know if I'm quite ready for this big of a step at this point. I don't have her number since I didn't have my phone at the time and hers was dead =/. But thank you for the encouragement!

[magnoliatree]

Hang out with her in a group again, have a good time and before you leave just say something like: "Hey we should hang out again sometime! What's your number?" OR if you are feeling super shy, after the next time you see her, send her a facebook message saying something like: "It was fun seeing you again, we should hang out soon!" and see what she says.

[Grey123]

Hang out with her in a group again, have a good time and before you leave just say something like: "Hey we should hang out again sometime! What's your number?" OR if you are feeling super shy, after the next time you see her, send her a facebook message saying something like: "It was fun seeing you again, we should hang out soon!" and see what she says.

 

That's what I was thinking! I figure there's only one way to break out of this shell. I'm just going to ask her for her number next time I see her in person. Thanks!

[magnoliatree]

That's what I was thinking! I figure there's only one way to break out of this shell. I'm just going to ask her for her number next time I see her in person. Thanks!

 

Good to hear!! It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. Keep us posted!!

[TwelveThirty]

So, you will try the hard way...

Don't worry, Grey123.

When you have been rejected once it's only once and so it's 100% rejection, but when you've done it a hundred times, then chances are that it won't show such a bad rejection rate; what I mean is that it's your only first chance, so don't be too hard on yourself expecting your try to be flawless.

 

Otherwise, I say take it easy and just close her bit by bit. (What if she refuses, only because she wants some change in having friends. She might still be an awsome friend for you. That's also a victory to me.)