Help? Should I block ex from contacting daughter to maintain true NC?

[lovesforlife]

I am focused on healing from my breakup and making my life as wonderful as possible for myself and my daughter. I am committed to complete NC for me and have been adhering to that but I wonder whether I also should block my ex from emailing my daughter? He has been in her life since she was 2 (she'll be 12 soon) and although they grew apart when he checked out of the relationship and started pulling away, I know she has not expressed a desire to cut him out of her life. I have noticed, however, that she has not responded to any of the few emails he has sent her since the break up. What should I do?

 

The only reason I want to block him from her is that I really do not want him to have access to any information about me or my life through her. He has made it clear that he does not want to be a part of my life and, as much as I want her to not lose him as a father figure, the fact is that he has walked out of both of our lives pretty much completely. He has emailed her only about once a month since the beginning of the year and has not initiated any effort to visit her. His girlfriend also has always been upset about him trying to maintain any relationship with me or my daughter. I think he has her number and could call or text her if he wanted to as well, but he has never done that; I think, in part, because of his girlfriend.

 

I'm not sure what the right thing is to do. Any advice? This is on my mind because her birthday is coming up and he may send a happy birthday email, which I would feel bad blocking, but he may also, from time to time, just send emails checking in (once per month as he has before) and I don't want him inquiring with respect to me. I could screen the emails and pick and choose which she actually receives, but I just don't want to have to have even that level of contact right now. I want to focus on healing and just have him out of my life as he has chosen to be, and even out of hers.

 

But I worry that I am just being spiteful and selfish if I block him from her - that doing so would just be me trying to exert some sort of control over the situation rather than accept it. Any advice?

[DN]

I think this is a decision she should make - she is old enough to make it.

[dramallama]

I think you will get varied opinions on this, but I think it seeing as he is not her biological dad and he never adopted her, you should stick with NC for both of you so that you can heal. Staying in contact will just keep YOU unhappy, which your daughter will pick up on anyway. It's better to have you as a happy mum, after you've gotten through this hard time, and if you do let him stay in touch, then that will bring un-necessary stress for you, which your daughter will pick up on. I'm not saying that she won't miss him, but kids are resilient and she will get over it soon enough. If she wants to get back in touch when she is an adult, she will do that.

 

I don't want to take away the bond that they had, but let's say they do stay in touch, how long will it go on for? The fact is he isn't her biological father and it will just cause too much trouble for both of you.

[lovesforlife]

I think this is a decision she should make - she is old enough to make it.

 

I agree, in part. It seems to me that she is making the decision by choosing not to respond to his emails. She has on occasion before the beginning of this year. I suspect she might for the holidays and her birthday (assuming he contacts her).

 

The selfish part is that I still monitor her emails from time to time and I know it has hurt me in the past that he would send her a friendly email just to say hello, but not to me - as it just would remind me of how he wants nothing to do with me (it triggers hurt feelings associated with my child's father only really having anything to do with me because I am the biological mother). I just don't want to impose my issues on her- and yet, at the same time, as dramallama has noted, I want to protect me and heal as much as I can.

 

I had a prior post about wanting to have her maintain contact with his family and even that I am rethinking because the reality is, they are not our family and with him and I no longer being together, it does not seem to make sense for there to be any contact with them on my end and there would be stress and strain on me to facilitate whatever relationship she and they want to maintain. I don't want to take her from them, I just don't want to have to be involved. I am realizing that this is an opportunity for me to do some real growth and healing of many prior wounds which have made this breakup more difficult. I am actually wanting the space I was at first forced to accept and I guess I want to make the lines clear and not dabble in grey right now or the near future.

[dramallama]

I think that being in contact with him for the sake of your daughter would do much more harm than good. She will get over it and you two will both be happier without him.

[lovesforlife]

What if she later learns that I had blocked his emails and is upset? I just wonder whether I should talk to her. I know she is "older" but this isn't really about her and she is not an emotionally mature girl. I had experienced much more than she has by her age and I anticipate that her answer will simply be that she doesn't really care either way with respect to him but I think she would like to continue to spend holidays with his family if invited (Christmas eve and Easter church services and Christmas day and Thanksgiving at his mother's). I may not have to worry about it because his family may not reach out to her or me to invite her for those things. If they do, I would let her go if she wanted to (which she will). I would feel bad preventing her from going.

[dramallama]

But they are not really her family. You are. How about you let her know that for the good of yourself and her, you are making the decision that it's best for both of you if you two are not in touch. If she agrees, like you think she will, then you can tell her to let you know if he ever tries to contact her.

[lovesforlife]

I have raised the issue of me not having contact with my ex to my daughter before. His mother invited her to the Easter service (and she said I was welcome as well, but I did not go because my ex did not think he could handle being around me physically) so I had to explain to my daughter why I would not stay with her at the service. She understood but was concerned about whether that meant her too and I said no, this has nothing to do with her.

 

Our situation is such that we have no family here. I moved to this city to be with him. His family is the only other family she has here and they have been in her life basically since she can remember, so it is understandable that she was concerned about me not being around them meaning that she couldn't either. I know that is not what my daughter wants. She loves going to his mother's, she is adored by everyone. It is difficult.

 

Maybe I should not worry about it until he or they reach out as I may be worrying for nothing, they may not reach out at all, as I had requested that my ex relay to them that I need to heal and move on and that I thought it was best that we have a complete break, including with respect to my daughter. (This was when I finally gave him the rest of his belongings and committed to NC finally - a short while ago actually.)

 

I also have let my daughter know that we may not be in further contact, even for holidays. I told her that they may not invite her because [ex] and I are no longer together so it might be more appropriate for his new gf to be there and not me or my daughter, my daughter said she understood but said that if she were invited, she would want to go. She has gone without me in the past, as I sometimes felt uncomfortable or too down about my own family during the holidays to spend it with his, so it would not be out of the ordinary for my daughter to be there without me.

[DN]

One way to potentially alienate your daughter is to block him from contacting her - at her age she is likely to immediately get very offended with you and take his side even if she wasn't planning to see him anyway.

 

If you do nothing to stop him and she chooses to not see or speak with him that is her choice and she can't blame you. If she chooses to want a relationship with him - well, she's old enough to make that decision and has a right to, IMO, since they have already had a ten year relationship. When she was 2 she had no choice, now she is 12 she should have.

[lovesforlife]

I have decided to leave him unblocked and I have arranged my filters of her email so that I will not receive immediate notice should he contact her to protect myself from any rejection feelings.

 

I concluded that I would feel better about myself by not interfering. Sometimes doing nothing is best.

 

I hope, for her sake, that he and/or his family, does reach out to her at some point. She deserves all the people loving her in the world, even if they do not have the same sentiment toward me. I do not need to control this. I need to accept it and let go and let her be loved. I think anything else would be selfish with respect to her.

 

I need to maintain strict NC with respect to him unless it is with respect to her, and only very LC with him and/or his family should he or they wish to see her. I have been through this before with her biological father and his family (accepting that they want only to have my daughter and not me in their lives) and I can handle it.

 

Letting her be loved is the right things to do. Letting her love them is the right thing to do.

[Snuggly]

You made a good choice. Its important that she knows he rejected you, but not her. She needs to know she is still loved and wanted. All of her life that she remembers he has been her dad. Rejection in early puberty can be devastating.