How long til I can trust him again?

[Tori1188]

About 8 months ago my boyfriend told me that he kissed another woman. At a party, where he wound up getting a little too drunk, and wound up alone in a room with this woman, who jumped him. I did not take the news well, especially because he had been hiding it for 2 weeks. Although all my better judgement told me to leave him before it happened again, we DO have a good realtionship and I felt it was worth the effort to try and work things out. Since then he's brought up the idea of marriage, which I was excited about at first. However, recently I've been feeling distant. I'm not particularly crazy about the idea of marrying the only boyfriend I've had who's cheated on me (As far as I know). We've also recently had several arguments about our social habits. He is a social butterfly, he likes to go to parties, entertain lots of people and get drunk and dance. I am the complete opposite, I'm extremely quiet and isolated and I tend to avoid parties and drinking. From the arguments we've had recently I get the feeling that he would be happier with someone who has more similar social habits. He seems to be worried how other people perceive us when we're at parties, and I think he resents the fact that he has had to sacrifice his parties for me.

 

I think the combination of these things could be bad in the future, and this makes it very difficult for me to trust him again. I try to give him the benefit of the doubt and so far he hasn't disappointed me, but I don't think I trust him 100%. It's been almost a year since he kissed that other woman, but I don't know how long we should keep going if I don't trust him 100%?

[Stay_home]

It still haunts you because you know of the fact that he's likely to do it again. He likes to drink, socialize and be that social butterly which got him into that kissing predicament in the first place.

 

If other than that, there are no other serious problems in the relationship, then I wouldn't suggest ending it.

[Tori1188]

I'm concerned that the fact that it still haunts me is going to affect how I treat him, and that could possibly be bad for us. So, say a year after the "incident" I still haven't found a way to trust him 100%, but other than that the relationship is okay. How long is too long to get over something like that?

[DN]

How long is too long to get over something like that?

That's your choice to make.

[Cagedfeelings]

Damn do I know how you feel. I was in a similar boat as you! I never trusted an ex of mine ever again once he broke my trust and we ended up breaking up.

If he doesn't bother to try to make up for it and show how he can be trusted then he isn't worth it. Especially if you can't bring yourself to trust him.

 

As for the partying, just tag along and be supportive. I've had the same issue with the ex who broke my trust, however he always

invited me to go out with him to parties and clubs and if I wasn't going, he most likely wouldn't go, but that wasn't always 100% guaranteed but

at least I knew where he was going and with who.

 

Imagine it as if it was the reverse and you were going out someplace you enjoyed and wanted him there yet knew he wouldn't like it as much

but he would still tag along to hang with you.

 

And don't fall for the marriage talk either...my ex did that as well. Would you really want to marry someone you can't trust? And are you even ready?! I think not.

[waric]

The question is can a leopard change it spots?? honestly and this is relevant to me and mine right now,... but in some cases i truly hope so! I've seen it before and im sure its possible of some people. some can change and learn from mistakes.

[Tresha]

Leopards can change their spots. However, it is hard work. It requires brutal honesty and total acceptance/responsibility of one's own choices. You can tell when a leopard is trying to be a tiger.

 

If your partner is still putting himself in risky situations, engaging in "harmless" flirtation mixed with alcohol in someone's room without you around .... that looks like a leopard who's happy being a leopard.

 

If he's including you (or attempting to), mentioning you in passing from time to time, seems to be taking your feelings into consideration (even if he may not agree and may make a decision you don't agree with), etc., he may be trying to be a tiger. He may make it and he may not, but that at least is a real attempt.

 

It's hard and most people don't make the change. I've seen a couple, though, and they are amazing these days!