How can I stop being so sensitive? Or do I have a right to be?

[midnightdeirdre]

First, this is a great site! It has helped me a lot. Now, my issue here I almost posted somewhere in emotions & feelings, but felt better here instead.

 

Sometimes my bf will comment on other women on TV/movies, or in today's case, on someone he met in his past. He described her as "gorgeous, model type." I tried not to let it bother me, but alas, it did. I jokingly asked, "Not as gorgeous as me, right?" and of course he obliged. I still felt upset because we've been over this kind of thing before. Interestingly, not a lot offends him. He says, "I know there are plenty of other guys more handsome than I. We don't live in a fantasy world, our minds are wired to find others attractive. I wouldn't be offended if you said another guy was good-looking; I'd rather you tell me the truth than lie." He has also said that if he says something that bothers me, I should tell him. But then it becomes a Catch-22 ~ if I tell him what bothers me, he seems to get upset because he feels that I'm making him walk on egg shells, and he doesn't want to do that at all.

 

I have looked up some appropriate assertive responses for this kind of situation, so I'm definitely on the right track in telling him appropriately how I feel. But still, how can I not let that kind of thing bother me? And accept the fact that fine, we don't live in a fantasy world? Thanks!

[midnightdeirdre]

But still, how can I not let that kind of thing bother me? And accept the fact that fine, we don't live in a fantasy world? Thanks!

 

My cousin at his wedding said of his bride, "I first saw her in college; she was the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."

[Batya33]

I know we don't live in a fantasy world. In my world, it is tacky to share with your significant other or even someone you're just dating that you find someone else attractive in the way your boyfriend does, on any regular basis. Even if it's true that our minds are "wired" to find others attractive (I don't agree) he has the ability to choose not to blurt out what he thinks if he's going to risk offending you.

[metrogirl]

Situations like that used to bug the heck out of me as well. I always felt like I was somehow flawed compared to the other women that he thought were gorgeious or hot and it took some time for me to realize that I could be super hot and I still wouldn't be as hot as some other women out there. That is just the way it is and I have learned to accept it. Obviously there is something that kept/keeps him with me so I must be good enough after all.

 

I'm sorry you feel this way. You seem to be going about it the right way via communication with your boyfriend.

[Stay_home]

Yes, realistically, there are many women in the world that I'm attracted to. And yes, if ever someday I become married, there will still be women in this world that I will be attracted to and I will look as they walk by and I go home to my wife....

 

At the sametime, I wouldn't be the guy to come home and tell her about the beautiful woman I saw at the office either.

 

Just saying.

[midnightdeirdre]

Even if it's true that our minds are "wired" to find others attractive (I don't agree) he has the ability to choose not to blurt out what he thinks if he's going to risk offending you.

 

Why do you not agree that our minds are wired to find others attractive? And thank you for the second statement, you are so right.

[midnightdeirdre]

And all right ~ when he comments on other women, he usually says something like, "She looks good with her hair like that." Usually doesn't say she's hot/gorgeous unless he's talking of someone he once knew, like a girl at his school. (I.e., "She was so pretty, it's funny that she could handle greasy tools.") He must think that because he's with me now, it doesn't matter that he's talking of someone from his past. But I still don't want to hear it, and I think that's understandable.

[Batya33]

Why do you not agree that our minds are wired to find others attractive? And thank you for the second statement, you are so right.

 

Because I think that's a major generalization and irrelevant anyway -even if they are wired we have the choice as to how to react and what to say, if anything, to someone else.

[hexaemeron]

Autumnrose, serious question. At what point will you have decided that another person has validated you enough to feel secure and confident in yourself?

[midnightdeirdre]

Autumnrose, serious question. At what point will you have decided that another person has validated you enough to feel secure and confident in yourself?

 

What makes you ask?

[hexaemeron]

What makes you ask?

 

Because you're always looking for people to be there to say "You're great!" and "No one's as great as you!" and on and on and on. You really do seem to... need more from people than I think a lot of people would be strictly comfortable with. If you were able to be more confident in yourself, on your own terms, honestly you wouldn't be half as sensitive. Your sensitivity, imho = "I base my confidence on the reactions of others, and when I don't get my needed desired validation, I don't feel confident and it hurts me!"

 

No reason to be sensitive or hurt. Do the work yourself, and you won't be. Hope this helps.

[SS01]

Although you are sensitive, i dont agree that shrugging it off is the right way to go about it. If it clearly hurts you , regardless of however insignificant the comment may seem, do you not have a right at all and let him continue on saying that? i dont think so... how hard is it to withold certain thoughts especially if he KNOWS it makes you uncomfortable?

 

im just saying...

[midnightdeirdre]

Although you are sensitive, i dont agree that shrugging it off is the right way to go about it. If it clearly hurts you , regardless of however insignificant the comment may seem, do you not have a right at all and let him continue on saying that? i dont think so... how hard is it to withold certain thoughts especially if he KNOWS it makes you uncomfortable?

 

im just saying...

 

 

I totally agree. None of the other guys I dated ever commented on other women in front of me, knowing that is not something one generally does when with a partner. Even this one jerk I dated named Mike (who I've mentioned on other threads) never did that. One time, however, when he looked at pictures of my then-roomate, he went, "HMMmmm-mmm!" in a way that implied he was interested in her. (I hated him so much I didn't care if he did comment on her.) But the fact that even he had the common sense to stop himself from commenting on her says that it's 100% understandable that I didn't like hearing my current ex compliment others.

[chickydoodle]

Initially I thought how insensitive of him.

Then I wondered if he comments on other men's beauty, and other things of beauty eg. tress,animals,landscapes etc...

Is it that he has an artistic eye or does it just apply to other women?

My ex saw beauty in men AND women, but boy it made me so jealous when he would apply such appreciation to women.

While it would be nice if you were confident enough and trusted enough your own self-beauty, to not be bothered by such comments, I personally would find them hard to take unless such comments were applied to a wide range of subject matter.

[Batya33]

Initially I thought how insensitive of him.

Then I wondered if he comments on other men's beauty, and other things of beauty eg. tress,animals,landscapes etc...

Is it that he has an artistic eye or does it just apply to other women?

My ex saw beauty in men AND women, but boy it made me so jealous when he would apply such appreciation to women.

While it would be nice if you were confident enough and trusted enough your own self-beauty, to not be bothered by such comments, I personally would find them hard to take unless such comments were applied to a wide range of subject matter.

 

I never want to be that "confident" that I tolerate rudeness. If I was involved with an artist whose comments were "professional" and he also was thoughtful and sensitive about whether I was ok with it, fine, but I don't think it's appropriate otherwise nor do I think it reflects a lack of confidence in the person subjected to that kind of rudeness.

[chickydoodle]

Well Batya, there-in lies the debate. Is he being rude and insensitive ?- or does he see beauty in lots of things but Autumn Rose picks up on the comments applied to other girls?

Regarding his comments about actors - most of us - both sexes are guilty of passing comments there - Is this being insensitive?

Obviously IF his comments are only about other women and are passed frequently and over the top it would be deemed insensitive. Also it would depend on his tone when making the comments- depends on so many things we are not privvy to as outsiders to the relationship.

Also, CONTROLLING his commenting on beautiful women , isnt going to stop him THINKING it. Is it not better to know what he is thinking and learn to deal with it ? One is then better placed to make a decision on if it's a 'deal breaker' or not.

I am not saying I would like it - not at all as mentioned - compliments regarding other women did make me jealous but I worked thru' it 'cos the comments were equally applied to men and other things.

am just posing some questions...... I knew a girl married to an artist who painted nudes- some very beautiful. She was so okay with this and trusted his Love for her so it didnt bother her. I admired her sense of self .

Depends on the partner, how well you can read/know/trust/respect him. And it depends on your personality;your sensitivity stemming from how confident you are within your self and the relationship. - In my opinion.

[midnightdeirdre]

Me & the bf this thread was about broke up. Looking back, I'd say it was mostly his artistic eye. But he also admitted to me that he dated bisexual girls in the past, who would happily comment on beautiful women with him. He just wasn't used to highly-sensitive girls, like myself.

[midnightdeirdre]

Also, CONTROLLING his commenting on beautiful women , isnt going to stop him THINKING it. Is it not better to know what he is thinking and learn to deal with it ? One is then better placed to make a decision on if it's a 'deal breaker' or not.

 

I dated this jerk named Mike for a few months in 2004---ironically, he once looked at photos of my roomate, and he went, "HMMmmMMm!"

[blueshoes]

I think that's a good question.

 

Autumnrose, I can totally sympathize with you here. I feel all sickly and green with envy when my boyfriend mentions another woman (usually actresses) as 'sexy' or 'really really beautiful'. I feel like, was that necessary? When looks aren't the topic of conversation, do I use such descriptions for people? No, it's just not necessary.

 

But what hexaemeron asked is a good point, when I feel the sickly envious feeling, it's a reminder that I really need to work on my own confidence.

 

*edit: sorry! I totally missed the several posts after, didn't see that there was a page 2!

[midnightdeirdre]

I think that's a good question.

 

Autumnrose, I can totally sympathize with you here. I feel all sickly and green with envy when my boyfriend mentions another woman (usually actresses) as 'sexy' or 'really really beautiful'. I feel like, was that necessary? When looks aren't the topic of conversation, do I use such descriptions for people? No, it's just not necessary.

 

But what hexaemeron asked is a good point, when I feel the sickly envious feeling, it's a reminder that I really need to work on my own confidence.

 

*edit: sorry! I totally missed the several posts after, didn't see that there was a page 2!

 

None of the other guys I dated ever mentioned other women in front of me. The bf in the OP (who is now an ex) didn't have the common knowledge that most girls just don't want to hear it.

[Wistful]

Ugh! This is a big problem for me and I have yet to learn to deal with it.

I rarely have to, because my boyfriend doesn't comment on other girls and tells me all the time that I'm the only girl he sees.

Although I'm not under any impression that he doesn't, or won't, find another girl attractive. But I sure as heck don't ever want to hear about it.

I think we all want to be someone's "only one".

[piruru]

My boyfriend does a similar thing. For example, he comments about how he thinks his boss' wife is so hot. It annoys the crap out of me, but I think he's just innocently sharing his observations and it's just me lacking confidence and overthinking things.

 

OP, sorry to hear that you and your ex have broken up. It did seem to be an incompatibility that could not be resolved though, given that he thinks there's nothing wrong with it and brought up the sharing comments with bisexual exes.

[mhowe]

Me & the bf this thread was about broke up. Looking back, I'd say it was mostly his artistic eye. But he also admitted to me that he dated bisexual girls in the past, who would happily comment on beautiful women with him. He just wasn't used to highly-sensitive girls, like myself.

 

IMO, you are not highly sensitive, you are insecure. As another poster commented, you need others to constantly assure you that you measure up. That can be very tiring to someone in a relationship with you.

[overthis]

Well, maybe your boyfriend is being a bit too honest (if there is such a thing). But I bet he feels really safe with you. Lots of guys I know find other woman attractive and just don't tell their partner or....'twist' the truth so it becomes something their ladies want to hear.

 

Maybe he's a bit insensitive...lol he is a guy, they tend not to realize we actually care about the things they say and the way they say them. It's not an excuse but science does agree that men and women think differently.

 

At the same time, he's allowed to find other women attractive but that doesn't mean he wants to be with them, there's a big difference. Obviously he doesn't feel the need to sugar-coat things with you. He sounds kind of blunt, but you may have known that about him to begin with. We get the bad qualities with the good when we pick our partners, you can;t really control that.

 

Don't let insecurities create a gap between open communication. And let him know you're allowed to have honest reactions to something, even if they come from insecurity. You both need to be able to feel safe in confiding in one another or the relationship may become strained.

[I like ravioli]

Because you're always looking for people to be there to say "You're great!" and "No one's as great as you!" and on and on and on. You really do seem to... need more from people than I think a lot of people would be strictly comfortable with. If you were able to be more confident in yourself, on your own terms, honestly you wouldn't be half as sensitive. Your sensitivity, imho = "I base my confidence on the reactions of others, and when I don't get my needed desired validation, I don't feel confident and it hurts me!"

 

No reason to be sensitive or hurt. Do the work yourself, and you won't be. Hope this helps.

 

Hex, don't take this the wrong way, but I think this is yet another example of modern society taking the problems of men and blaming them on the women. No one wants to hear about other people who can turn on their S.O., and it's really not that hard to be considerate about that, so let's not divert responsibility to the OP.

 

Yes, she should be confident in herself, but he doesn't need to do things that would make 95% of girls uncomfortable. It's probably not even a confidence issue. It's just a matter of wanting to be the apple of her S.O.'s eye, which is completely reasonable.

 

OP, you have to be firm with him. The next time he talks about another woman in front of you, just straight up say, I don't want to hear it, that wasn't necessary, however you want to put it -- but be firm and unapologetic.