Change your thoughts....and you change your world.

[kayleee]

Really that should say "occupy" your thoughts. I have been getting some good advice lately and I thought I'd share on this my day 5 of NC.

 

First, it really is important to get out and occupy your mind w|other things. Whether your intent is to move or you are still hanging on to hope do not consume yourself agonizing over every detail of the break up plotting the master plan to get back together. Take some much needed mental health time for yourself. Try to get outside, go for a walk, be around people, talk about it, write, read, juggle..... Something anything to keep your mind busy a bit. Today I colored for an hour w|my goddaughterand I must say it was quite therapuetic. It may seem silly but that was an hour that my mind was occupied.

 

I also write a letter everyday to my unborn baby. (Yes in case you missed it my bf broke up with me and I'm pregnant. So if I can find a reason to smile anyone can.)

 

I do not promise this will solve all your problems or you will be magically cured and ready to move on. I still feel sad. But its better than sitting in a room crying all day. And at least for a while you can not feel as bad or as sad.

 

People keep reminding me that if he chose to walk away, he is probably not sitting at home crying over me. And that my relationship ended but that doesn't mean my life did. Although it may sometimes sound insensitive it is ABSOLUTELY true!

 

Today was a better day. I wish you all better days.

[Unknownxl]

Ive found that reading really helps. I read all day yesterday and all day today. Although its relationship stuff. My ex gf left me for another man and we have been together for 3 years and have an 8 month old son. Now she ever hardly has the baby and he lives with me at my house. She is definitely sending me mixed messages but im hopeful we can get back together despite the pain I have had to endure. Not only for me, but for my son. If she ever grows up im sure she will be back, but I have some work to do as well. I need to show my love and affection more and that's a mistake I would never make again. The current guy she is "seeing" or whatever does not have a job, a place to live and he also has like a 3 year old son. Im sure it will crash and burn some point in the next few months if not sooner.

[lovesforlife]

Today was a better day. I wish you all better days.

 

That's a really sweet and thoughtful message for you to send and your strength and positivity given your situation is inspiring. I have been in your shoes in a sense, my first love left me upon discovering I was pregnant, although, according to him, we were not actually together (we had broken up before, but I thought we had reconciled) as it turned out he was seeing someone and lying to her and me about each other. It was not pretty. We did attempt to work things out, but it failed miserably partly because we were so young.

 

My recent split is from my second major relationship and it has been very difficult. In a sense, I feel he is leaving me high and dry with a child because he practically raised my child from my first love with me; we started dating when she was 2.

 

But as you said, letting go of the past, accepting the present and changing your thoughts to focus on yourself and what is now - all the many positive things that are now - it really does change the world. My best days are those where I focus on the positive things I currently have and will have in the future, rather than what I have lost.

 

Thanks for not only sharing your better day but being kind enough to wish the same upon others. We all could use the positive energy!

[newsinglegal]

What a great post! Definitely changing your thoughts is such a powerful thing. Like the saying goes, "if you you cant something, change your attitude"

[kayleee]

@unknownxl... I'm sorry to hear about your current situation. I do hope for the best for you whatever that may be. You sound like a dedicated father which gives me hope that there are some genuine men out there that will care for their kids. Focus onn betteing you for you and your child and if she happens to come around, that's a bonus. I am going to try to do more reading on mommy to be things.

 

@lovesforlife.... My ex broke up with me after his parents insulted me and accused me of getting pregnant to try to benefit from them. And trying to force me into an abortion, while I was 3000 miles away from home and anyone I knew. I felt abandoned but luckily I have an extraordinary family who had me home the next day. After just a month of trying to make it work, prior to me leaving he decided it was too difficult. Honestly if that's what he calls difficult its better he walks away, bc a child while I'm sure will be the most incredible experience of my life, is by no means a walk in the park. I try to look at it like this, if he is stupid enough to walk away from me and a beautiful baby, then I am going to be smart enough to let him.

 

I am trying hard to stay focused on the positive, especially now so I can stay as healthy as I can for me and the baby. Some days its really hard, but you are correct the best days is when I tell myself you have to stay positive. Focus on the good in life. I get my first sonogram on friday. So for now that is my focus.

[Unknownxl]

Im really sorry about this guy. It just sounds like he wasnt committed and doesnt want to be a father. So him and his family looked for excuses and found them.

 

There are nice guys out there but honestly I believe its rare, but not as rare as you may think. So dont lose hope. Just if and when you start dating again make sure to really have high standards. Look for someone who is wanting to have a family and be committed. You dont want anyone who is not like that around your baby.

 

I really love my son deeply and this has made me and him grow a lot closer. He started saying Dada and we are together all day. (I work at home) I just wish his mother was more committed because she is to worried about other * * * * right now. (like dating and partying)

 

I seriously think in the end im going to hold a major grudge against her, but I certainly don't want that at all.

[endy]

What a great post! Definitely changing your thoughts is such a powerful thing. Like the saying goes, "if you you cant something, change your attitude"

 

 

I'm just going to put this out there as a followup to her post. Read this quote.

 

“If you think you can do a thing or think you can’t do a thing, you’re right.” – Henry Ford

 

What that quote is talking about is your thought process. Not only does our mind put out positive or negative thoughts, we feel them as well with emotions. The law of attraction to me is a very powerful thing, and a very real thing. If you don't believe in something it's not going to happen, however... Isn't it strange when your in a happy place by yourself that's usually when someone you have missed turns back up in your life? It's been my experience anyways. The universe reflects to us in our life what we think and feel IMO. I know it to be a fact, some people will disagree.

 

If we are constantly feeling good, we are thinking good thoughts. Feeling bad, we are thinking bad thoughts. As soon as you become more conscious of your thoughts, controlling them, stopping the negative ones, and replacing them with positive good ones your life will change for the better. In other words, YOU can be conscious of your thoughts and control them.

 

Really, the best way to get back together again is letting go with love IMO. Saying to the universe you want them back, and then moving on for yourself. To get happy again by yourself. If you want someone back and you really love them... What does it matter what they are doing or who they are with? As long as they are happy. That's really love. Wanting someone back is exactly that... a want and desire to make you happy again.

[kayleee]

@newsinglegal.... Thank you, 10% of life is what happens to you, 90% is how you react to it. I'm sure I sound like a fortune cookie. But attitude really is the most important thing.

 

@unknowxl.... His family was def looking for any reason to make things more difficult, and he ran w|it. The truth of the matter is had he wanted to be there and try, he would be.

 

Right now I am just focused on staying healthy and trying to enjoy this pregnancy. I hear it gets better, or so I hope. If ever again I attempt this thing called a relationship my child will be the first and foremost consideration I take. Who ever is brave enough to date me will ultimately be getting a package deal. Must love kids.

 

I really do commend you on taking such an active role in raising your son, and more so for seeming like you genuinely love it. Children need dedicated parents. And in the end as sad as it is that his mother is not on the same boat she is the one losing out. She is missing out on the greatest blessing of her life. Its understandable that you would be upset, but for your own sake try to forgive her, not for her bc she doesn't deserve it but for you and your son, when you hold grudges you just give people power over you. And you seem a lot better than that.

[wicked6018]

my "break" or "break up", i don't know what it is, with my fiance, or i guess now my ex fiance, i'm not sure, began yesterday. i am so hurt, confused, lost. i didn't do anything at all to deserve this. he just suddenly doesn't know if he wants to be with me. i can't do anything but try. i'm going to try to color in a coloring book tonight to occupy my mind. everything, EVERYTHING reminds me of him. : ( tv shows, people, songs, my house, everywhere in town, i can't escape thoughts of him.

[kayleee]

@endy... That was an amazing post. Whatever your experiences have been, you have definitely become all the more wiser bc of them. I just saved your reply so that if ever I feel not in such a positive place, I can read it an remind myself just how much control I do have over how I feel about any given situation. Thank you.

[kayleee]

@wicked6018.... There are often time you do not do anything to warrant anyone else's behavior. He did what he did bc that is what he wanted to do. I know that may not be comforting, but I just mean to say you do not have control over other people's actions, only over your own. I know it can be hard when everything seems to remind you of someone. Take this time out to discover some new things that might interest you. Watch something you may not have thought to before. Try a different place to eat. Color outside of the lines. I was focused today on coloring that massive picture with my goddaughter and when we were done she told me she loved me, she loved it, I should be an artist and she hung it on her wall. The nerve I would have to have to have felt sad in that moment. You are as strong as you choose to be. What I'm learning slowly is that no one should have power over me but me. I think this experience will make me a better person and a better mother. I am hopeful.

[Unknownxl]

You seem to be doing pretty well for what you are going through. I commend you for it. I seem to be doing better then I had ever imagined, but im doing my best to just keep myself occupied and not thinking about things. Reading all of this definitely is helping me greatly. I havent heard at all from her today which I find kind of odd because she was trying to talk to me constantly before this. But I do not plan on contacting her.

 

I do actually find some comfort in knowing she will always be in my life (because of my son). But the other day she told me that without him we would still have the connection we have. (not sure if she meant it). I just know at this moment I will always have a chance, but I know that this time is not now. And I may change my mind down the road, but I feel I will always feel we need to be togther because of our son. She has told me she doesn't want to lose me but at the same time she will not stop seeing the "rebound" guy. She did say she wanted to work things out but basically that would mean that I have to allow her to do WHATEVER (see this other guy) she wants and I told her I am not going to do that and I plan to have more respect for myself. (in a nice way) I wanted to tell her she should have a little respect for herself, at least for her child's sake. But it would have only made matters worse. I was just grateful that things were "better".

[kayleee]

Good for you for knowing what you will not put up with. You definitely do have to have respect for you, because if you do not respect yourself why would anyone else. People will only do to you what you allow them to do. Believe me I definitely do understand feeling like it is a better situation to have both parents in a household. I grew up w|just my mother. But I do know that if it turns out that I am a single mother, I will be the absolute best mother I can be. And my family is amazing. They are so supportive and loving. This child will be loved and cared for and taken care of. And my dad is excited to have the chance to be there for his grandchild in ways he wasn't for my sisters and I.

 

I hope for her sake that she does come around and realize how important it is to be in a child's life. But she has to want that for herself. When and if she's ready and genuinely wants to change, she will, but not a minute sooner. You deserve to be with someone who wants to be with JUST you and appreciates you as much as you appreciate them. If things are meant to be with her they will work themselves out. But in the meantime, continue to do whatever makes you better for you. This forum in a way has been very therepuetic to me as well bc it allows me to get my feelings out there. I am one day stronger now. And I can honestly say its been a good day. Tomorrow I will find other things to do. I have decided I want to learn to knit. So I can knit my baby socks. It may not seem like much to someone else. But its something that will keep my spirits positive.

[Unknownxl]

Yes this has been very good for me as well. Alot of advice and alot of people who keep me having hope for the future. No matter what happens.

 

All I can do is stay away from her and prevent matters from getting worse. And I hope to watch this train wreck of a rebound relationship. She didn't really stay with people for long before she met me so she may be headed down that road. (dating a bunch of people in a short period) I hope she doesn't for her self and my son. I want her to have some respect for herself and so far she doesn't seem like she has much. That's the only thing that makes me angry about all of this.

 

Another thing that bothers me is she isnt even fighting for our son. She has just given him to me. Although if she were to fight it would not end well for her anyway. But I suppose she could always be trying to catch me off guard but I dont think she would do anything that manipulative.

 

I use to do powerlifting and played football in highschool so I plan to start lifting weights again. I actually have lost 20 pounds in like 6 days lol. Not good I know but I still am glad I am finally dropping weight. Ive been saying for awhile I am going to. I guess this is my motivation to get back into shape.

[kayleee]

It sounds like her priorities in life are not in order. A child should first and foremost always be the main focus of a parent's life. And that is unfortunate. As much as you would like her to have more respect for herself and your child, the only person that can make her want that for herself, is herself.

 

I believe things happen for a reason. And in this case it is probably best for the situation that she is not trying to gain custody of your son. It doesn't not sound like the atmosphere that she would provide in anyway compares to the one you are propviding or would in any way be beneficial to your son.

 

Focusing on bettering yourself is definitely the right move. You are being the best you that you can be for both you and your son. I wish that my child would be lucky enough to have a father figure with your same determination. From the looks of it, it won't be the biological father. But again, I have my dad, and I'm lucky to have him, just as your son is lucky to have you.

[Unknownxl]

Thank you for your kind words. Who knows maybe this guy will wise up and come to his senses. I would never neglect my child no matter what the circumstances.

 

I just find it hard because im constantly missing my sons mother. Im not really hurting, just hopeful that some day she may return.

[kayleee]

I can imagine it would be hard. And oneday she may, but in the meantime life must go on. And why not do everything in your power to make it better for yourself.

 

I'm sure having a child is a distraction in itself. Having him to care for provides a sense of meaning to your life. Children have a way of brightening days.

[Unknownxl]

Very true, but I just think of all the times we (me and her) did this together. And now its just me. I didnt talk to her at all yesterday. Thats the first time in 3 years since we had been together and since we broke up. I was kind of surprised she didnt try to call. I wouldnt have talked to her anyway unless it was about the baby. Feeling good right now though. I had a chat with my dad over the phone earlier. He basically went through the same thing with my mother (very eery). Except she left him without prior word and ran off with a guy to Arkansas with me and my brother. I was 2 (almost 3) and my little brother was 1. Apparently he said he tried everything to get her back for a while but eventually gave up and met my step mother. Only then is when my mom tried to come back. Im almost certain that it may be the same way with me, but I hope not. I dont plan on chasing my babies mother. If she wants to come back she will attempt to when she is ready. i just hope its not to late at that point.

[kayleee]

You know what's so sad? People often go in search of things just to realize what they really wanted, they had to begin with. And then many times it is too late.

 

Its good that you have your father to talk to. Its important to have support. I have my family also, and I was raised by just my mother. But my father tells me everyday how he regrets his actions and wishes he would have appreciated what he had when he had it, and made a genuine effort to keep our family together. But this is life, you live and learn.

[Unknownxl]

Yea. I know deep down the reason she left was because she wanted to explore more sexually. I just know that's the case. I can feel it. She has kind of admitted it as well. My actions the past few months have probably made this easier for her to do, but she will find this is an empty experience.

 

Before I met her I did the same thing and regretted it. I explored and got together with several different women only to realize it did not make me feel fulfilled at all. Then I met her and fell in love. I always wanted a family and loving women and always hoped she would be that. Even though I knew she had alot of things she still wanted to do even then. I somehow manged to calm her down for 3 years but in the end her old feelings had resurfaced. *sigh*

 

I miss her so much. I hope she is taking care of herself and not losing any dignity. I havent talked to her in awhile now and im kind of worried, but she is probably with the other guy. I always seem to think the worst (like she has been hurt or something).

[kayleee]

If you don't mind me asking how old are you and your ex? I don't know if its the case but sometimes when people get together young that often happens. Especially after having a child, one or both young parents may feel they didn't get a chance to experience life. Not that that in any way justifies it or makes it right, but it does happen. At least you had your experiences prior to having a child, so that phase in your life is over and now you seem to be at a point where you are trying to move forward w|your life in a more settled way.

 

I feel like that may be the case with my ex also. I think the situation hit him and he may not be ready to grow up. He is 24 and I am 26. While not a huge difference in the past two yrs I feel like I got to experience life. I did a lot of traveling and now I'm at a point in life where I am ready to settle down. Don't get me wrong I am still scared to have a baby, but more so bc I know that now I will be responsible for someone else's life. But as scared as I am I am also excited.

 

I know its hard to miss someone, especially when your use to having constant contact w|them. But again take this time to concetrate and focus on bettering yourself. When you are in a good place, you give off positive energy and that will bring good things your way.

 

This is the first day since we broke up I haven't cried at all. And the second good day I have had in a row. Not that I don't have moments of sadness, but I do not allow myself to focus on them or stay in that place. I feel proud of myself and just better in general.