Need advice. Still loves me and came back with es wife

[rachel spain]

Hello I have been with a guy who was separated (for 3 years) for nearly two years. On his birthday 2 months ago he left me to try to get back with his ex wife becasue, according to him, she found out and wanted the divorce; he got scare! At the beginning of the breaking up he said I had to be sure that we could not be back together, thought we still loved each other a lot. we have been texting a lot and he says it has nothing to do with me, htat he still loves me a lot, but that he had to try one more time to solve his marriage. He was living in a different house and we were so so so happy!

 

He always said I was what he always wanted. H eis older than me, 17 years, and his children are grown out and moved from home. He said he never loved his wife because he was so unattractive (trust me, she is) and he did not enjoy sex at all with her, for years!!!!!!!!!!!!! He used to go to see dancing women as he was so unhappy with his wife. The proper relationship he had was me, according to him; he was always so in love with me, so much, more than I was with him! that is why I cannot understand why he is not with me, it is like a real shock!

 

All this happened two months ago, and we kept in contact a lot, every day texting (most of the time I strated but he continued texting me all day long joking, flurting, etc). He says we have to be strong, although he desires me a lot and loves me, and he says that I know that. A month ago (a month after we broke up) we were in another country, on separate holidays. We texted and he asked me out. I accepted and it was the most beautiful night ever!!!! he bought me roses, great dinner, great night and he kissed me like he ever did before!! It was beautiful. During the dinner, he told me the breaking up had nothing to do with me, that I had to believe him and that he loves and desires me a lot. He kept mentioning he did not know if things were going to work out with his wife, but he had to try as she wanted the divorce when she found out about me.

 

The day after, we said goodbye at the train station and I thought "he used me, he does not care". Well, he kept texting me all day (he did, I was in control) and went to have lunch in the same place we spent the night before to remember. He told me how wonderful everything was, how sexy I was, that he had the best kiss ever. In these texts he was so in love, like before! We kept texting every day and, the difference this time was that he mentioned he wanted to reapeat that night again, that he missed me a lot. This "I miss yo too" messages I get it all the time when I used to text him saying I was missing him. After all this, I did not text him for a week, and then i text him back saying I missed him (silly me!!!); he answered he missed me too.

 

Last time, i told him I was happy for him to be back with his family and goodbye; he said nothing, I know him; if we had to say good bye, he would have said bye, but he didn't. They went for a weekend away to see if tehy could work out. The truth is that he said it went well. I don'nt know for how long because I know he does not love her, all his marriage he looked for something else and, according to him, she does not attract him. I have said nothing for a week to him and what hurts so much is that he says nothing. I feel horrible because I know we both love each other so much. I am in pain. Rachel Spain

[dabbledave]

Keep pushing through the hurt. I'm trying to push through with NC myself. Tough, and I've slipped up already a few times, today included, so you're doing better than me. Keep it up!

 

Maybe if/when he actually does divorce and move on from his situation, you can be together.

 

Otherwise, keep trying to move on -- for your sake and his.

 

DD

[Hollyj]

If he doesn't love her, then why is he with her??? None of this makes any sense! The fact that he went back and did not move on a divorce for three years, says he is not over her. His actions say it all, it's time to listen. I don't care what he tells you or how much he texts. HE IS WITH HER!

 

Unfortunately, this guy has been stringing you along, as he cannot figure out what he wants to do. He has the best of both worlds, two women who adore him. Why are you putting up with this crap? If you say it is because you love him, then why is he not doing the same for you?

 

Girl, find some self-respect and dump this user and find someone who knows who and what they want. He's a waste of time!

[Theniceone]

This man does not love his wife and his not attracted to her. His children are grown. His wife wants to divorce because she found out about you two. Why does he not want the divorce then to be with you? Why all of a sudden he wants to work on his marriage?

[rachel spain]

because he says he has to try one more time before his family is completely finished. From my point of you he does not know what he wants. He kept saying he thinks many times he made a mistake.

[rachel spain]

he always said he does not know if he could even amke love with her again!

[Hollyj]

He is totally screwing you about. He is not over her, or else he would not have gone back. You need to look at his actions!!!!!!

 

Why would you settle for so little from someone???

 

His kids are grown and supposedly he doesn't love her. What is there to finish? This is crazy!

 

I'm sorry, but this man does not love you, or he would be with you.

[Theniceone]

because he says he has to try one more time before his family is completely finished. From my point of you he does not know what he wants. He kept saying he thinks many times he made a mistake.

 

What bothers me is that he was appart from his wife for 3 years. He could have tried to work on his marriage before no? and his working on his marriage was triggered by the fact that you were found out! He certainly enjoys your company, but if he loves you that much he would be happier than ever to finally put an end to his so called unhappy marriage especially when no minor kinds are involved.

[Sagreras]

The guy is a playing a game of ‘Ducks and Drakes’ with you. In essence, he’s pulled down his drawers and pissed all over your emotions. Once he’s relieved himself he assuages his guilt with a paltry dinner or two, and a handful of text messages.

 

He’s a real charmer.

 

This pattern of behaviour is quite common with separated persons. It’s called “Triangulation” or in the vernacular “Having One’s Cake.” It’s also perilously close to rampant narcissism in its motivation.

 

He’s enjoying the elaborate emotional dinner you prepare for him with each encounter, and you’re trying to sustain yourself on the pack of potato chips that he deigns to toss in your direction from time to keep you quiet.

 

He is junk food, and you’re malnourished.

 

I’ve been in your shoes, and the outcome is not promising. What typically occurs is that they either return to their spouse, or ditch you and find someone ‘fresh’ when you no longer serve any useful function.

 

By ‘fresh’ I mean someone who will toe the line without complaint, and not make any silly demands like actually wanting to have a normal/healthy relationship.

 

Run, my dear, run.

[HeartGoesOn]

This is the main reason why a person should not be considered dating material, until their divorce has been finalized, and they've been on their own for a period of time.

 

Starting a new relationship before the prior one is completely over, is equal to playing a game of "Russian Roulette."

[Mellie]

he always said he does not know if he could even amke love with her again!

 

Do you feel sorry for him when he says this?

 

Has she always been ugly or was it a gradual decline? If you look at the majority of people 17 years your senior, well, to be blunt, they tend to look a little ragedy around the edges (I'd like to state here I'm 92 so this applies to no one here so please don't lynch me!). Of course you're wonderful and beautiful and she's just the haggard old cow who bore his children.

 

If the kids have left home, he doesn't love her, and everything's perfect with you, why is he trying to work it out? What is there to work out, exactly?

 

Are you prepared to be the mistress? Are you prepared to accept him after he's ditched you for months to work on a relationship with another woman? Are you prepared to have him turn around and say, sorry honey, ain't coming back?

 

I wouldn't waste my time.

[Sagreras]

Starting a new relationship before the prior one is completely over, is equal to playing a game of "Russian Roulette."

 

…with a fully loaded revolver.

 

I think you might benefit from doing a bit of research on the phenomenon of the “Transitional Relationship”.

 

Typically, these unions are not profitable (unless you prize writhing in pain and anxiety), and end disastrously.

 

As I’ve stated, I’ve had a brush with a separated person, and am familiar with their hoary old chestnuts: “I’m confused” “I don’t know what I want.” “No fear, I’m never returning to my spouse!”

 

Their behaviour is so predictable it’s as if they’re handed a book entitled “How to Placate your Transitional Person” when they leave their marriage.

 

Whatever you’re experiencing now will only get worse as time progresses.

 

At some point he will dump you, or you will be in so much pain that leaving him will be a welcome relief.

[rachel spain]

it is very strange. He wanted me to be a formal girlfriend and introduced me into his children. He does not lvoe her, trust me, he has always had homesick. They had some therapy and he finished it because he wanted to be with me.

It is so hard ofr me to believe he doesn't love me, I know he does, we both do. He states he does not know fi it will work with his ex wife, their life beofre was horrendous, apparently. He always said he wanted a formal girlfriend, and that i was what he was looking for.

I know things will not work out with her, I know him very well. And I know he still loves me, he insists on it.

He texted me last week to find out if I met someone in a trip I went to and that he could not stop thinking I could have found someone there and that he was so jelous.

why he keeps telling me he loves me and missess me?

tell me if I am wrong;

I think he has the guilt of the divorce and thats why he tries again with her, that it will not work out and he will realise and i know he will want to be back, I knwo him so so well; by that time, I will tell him is too late, trust me!

on one hand I understand because it is his family and I have to understand it.

I told him good luck, that I was happy for him trying to get his family back together and I wished him teh best. I showed him I was ok and I was not bothered, although I am suffering.

I am kind of giving him time for this summer to get himself sorted. After summer, if he is not sorted, fotget about him!!!!

[Hollyj]

Because he's stringing you along! Words mean nothing! Don't be a doormat!

 

If he loved you he would be with you.

 

Why are you still in contact with a man who is living and sleeping with another woman.

[FrenchFries]

^^Not just another woman, his WIFE!!!

 

Look you will believe what you choose to believe. Look at what he's doing and what he's telling you. Would you do this to someone you loved? I'm leaving you to go back to my horrible, unattractive wife, who I never loved to see if I can work things out. Hello? Does that make sense to you? Doesn't to me! Remember people can say anything. It's what they do that holds more weight.

[rachel spain]

thank you all of you for your advices, I really appreciate it.

You all made me feel not ebing alone.

thank you so much!