Unnecessary drama... I'm about tired of this crap.

[Cynder]

Ok, so those of you who have followed my story already know a little about this.

 

IT seems like it never fails. Once things start getting nice and calm between this guy and I... (by this guy I mean my friend/lover. I don't call him my FWB anymore because that term doesn't really fit. Doesn't really fit to call him my boyfriend either though.) Once things start getting nice between us, here comes more drama. I suppose this could be true of any relationship. But he is usually the cause of it and he is the one who complains about how much he "hates drama." And even worse, he turns it around on me.

 

When he decided to go through my facebook friends list and friend a bunch of my friends, he friend this couple I know. We'll call them R and M. Well, R and M have a pretty dramaful (lol, new word, dramaful_ relationship too. They fight a lot, and they post about their fights on facebook which I personally think is tacky as hell, but hey, it's their lives.

 

And my Guy gets involved with it... He doesn't even know them. I made it so he can't see my friends list anymore. But doing that was futile, since he had already friended so many of my friends, and he can still see who posts on my wall, etc. I've told him I'm not exactly keen on him friending a bunch of strangers on my friends list. (When I say strangers I mean to him, they aren't strangers to me.) He hasn't friended anyone else since... but he still talks to a lot of these people and finds ways to push himself into their lives. I don't really understand the psychology behind this and I'm starting to get tired of it, honestly.

 

The other night one of my friends was posting about the suicide of someone he knows. I commented that I was sorry for his loss. Then my guy IMs me out of nowhere and basically scolds me for commenting. He said that I "don't know the whole story." and he pointed out that he talks to this guy more than I do.

 

Well, I guess he struck a nerve. I was tired, stressed out, and had enough. I blew up at him. I told him this is getting ridiculous. I asked him who the hell he thinks he is giving me a hard time for commenting on MY FRIEND'S loss. I told him he doesn't even know this guy and I've known him for 8 years. And then I also told him that I'm getting tired of hearing him complain about all of R and M's fights. I said if he's so pissed about the drama in their relationship, all he has to do is back the hell away. He's only involved because he chooses to be.

 

His answer was "I'm just bored, otherwise I wouldn't give a crap."

 

True, because of his medical problems he can't work right now. And he is used to working a lot. So, he probably is bored and so he sits online all day and creates his own little soap operas. But I'm about fed up. Do I have a right to be pissed?

 

I thought about this at work the whole next day... and I really couldn't think of any practical reason why I should be angry. He's not doing anything wrong really. He's a grown man and he has the right to talk to whoever he wants on facebook, be it my friends or whoever else's friends.

 

I'm just getting tired of it and I'm afraid my reactions are going to be the end of us. When I confront him all he does is make excuses. Another good friend of mine (who denied his friend request when he sent it) told me it's all a control thing. What do you guys think about that? I've considered it... Maybe he's trying to get involved with all my friends so he can alienate me from them slowly.

 

Another thing... He was trying so hard to convince me not to go on my trip. When I bought the plane ticket he stopped. But now he's guilting me. He'll say stuff like "I tried to tell you you shouldn't have. But it's too late now."

 

He was supposed to take me to the airport... but I think I'm going to get another ride. I don't want him guilting me the whole way there and filling me with negativity before I fly half way around the world.

 

Any thoughts? I am venting, but also asking for opinions? I am wondering if I am right to feel the way I feel? Is he just a dramaholic? Is he trying to control me? Etc...

 

And, this is not a thread to debate about the nature of my open relationship. I am asking for advice on this particular problem, not opinions on everything else in my life.

 

Thanks in advance.

[DN]

There is no reason why you cannot be assertive and tell him he's off-base and you would prefer not to talk about certain things or listen to his strictures. Best to do in firmly but without anger though.

[chitown9]

Oh, yeah...I would definitely be tired of his behavior too. The only thing I would feel differently about it is I would not give one bit of interest as to why he is doing it. I would just be done with it.

[browneyedgirl36]

Hmmm...Well, I see your point about how you technically *shouldn't* be bothered by this because he's an adult and he can talk to whoever he wants, but...I have to say that, in your shoees, I'd be annoyed too. It would be one thing if he really KNEW all of these people in real life -- or even if he knew them first and was friends with all of them before you were, but getting involved in the relationship drama of people he doesn't know just seems a bit juvenile to me, and I agree with you that it IS probably a product of boredom. People who don't have a lot to focus on tend to create drama -- or involve themselves in other people's -- just to have something to do. Not healthy, really, and he should try to focus elsewhere. You really can't tell him he can't comment on their posts, but...can you perhaps remove them from your newsfeed so that you don't see their posts? Maybe remove his posts from your newsfeed too; I think you can do that without blocking or de-friending everyone.

 

And, the thing about him scolding you for offering your condolences to your friend? That's just odd. Again, the guy was your friend first, you've known him a long time, and there's nothing wrong with offering condolences when someone has passed, regardless of how the person passed. It seems a bit controlling, and I know my hackles go up when someone tells me how I should feel, think, or act, particularly in a sensitive situation like the one you've described with the friend dying. You're an adult -- you don't need him telling you how to act when someone dies.

 

And the trip thing...again, controlling. Trying to guilt you into not doing something that you really want to do, that you've been planning for a long time -- because it upsets him -- controlling. Especially the bit about "Well, I told you you shouldn't go..." Again, you're not a child, and he's not your dad. Unless you're doing something that he knows might hurt you, and he's concerned for you -- not the case here at all -- he shouldn't be telling you want to do.

 

The nature of your relationship makes this difficult -- you're sort of together, but then, not entirely -- but he's acting like he has some say in what you do with your life when really, he doesn't. You may need to talk to him about defining boundaries, particularly since your relationship isn't a "traditional" one and the expectations are probably different than say, if you were in a committed monogamous relationship with only him.

 

He really does sound controlling. Whether this is a trait that he's always had, or it's a product of him being out of work and not having enough to focus on, you should talk to him about this. He wasn't this controlling when you guys were just friends, right? Perhaps you might need to scale back the relationship -- take it back to friends -- because I wonder if the "boyfriend/girlfriend" aspect of the relationship has led to him being more controlling.

[Batya33]

I think it's a mistake to analyze this in a vacuum because the situation you are in, the context of this friendship/sexual arrangement probably has far far more to do with why he is behaving this way than any other reason. I would say this about any relationship that had a complicated core- like friends who go into a risky business venture together, or similar. That is why I agree with browneyedgirl that much of this drama will dissipate or disappear if you agree to keep things platonic.

[RedDress]

He's a grown man and he has the right to talk to whoever he wants on facebook, be it my friends or whoever else's friends.

 

The other night one of my friends was posting about the suicide of someone he knows. I commented that I was sorry for his loss. Then my guy IMs me out of nowhere and basically scolds me for commenting. He said that I "don't know the whole story." and he pointed out that he talks to this guy more than I do.

 

You don't find there's a bit of a double-standard here? Like... he can talk to whoever he wants (people he doesn't even know) and say whatever he wants and you have to be ok with it and shut up about it... but... if you talk to whoever you want (a long-time friend) and say what you want - you get scolded for it?? Either you have a laissez-faire attitude in your "relationship" and have a whole lot of freedom to do whatever you want or you don't. It sounds like you are being open and he is being closed.

 

You've posted more than once about this guy and all of these troubles (I'm not trying to be all cynical - post away! I'm just pointing it out to you, for pondering purposes)... I know you care about this guy... but I have to wonder... what are you getting from this relationship that it's worth all the drama, hassle, frustration, etc? Why not dial it back to manageable proportions? He's not your sole source of love/attention/affection, etc. Isn't that part of the point and perks of being in an open relationship? So that you can balance and seek other sources, as needed?

 

I think this one should be dialed back for a while. From that state, you can decide if it's something you can (and want to) live with and to what degree or you will be in a better position to see the forest for the trees and decide if it's something you want at all.

 

He does sound out-of-line. It's hard to tell if it's because he's just like that or because he's not really cut out for the open-relationship lifestyle. Some people just can't handle it and try to gain some kind of validation/security through other means... his appears to be through a form of control.

 

Just stuff to think about...

[agent1607307371]

Tbh Cynder, following your posts, I don't think this guy is any good for you and I honestly think you would be better off without having to deal with his games and hissy-fits.

 

He's completely in the wrong and you're justifying it.

[Cynder]

There is no reason why you cannot be assertive and tell him he's off-base and you would prefer not to talk about certain things or listen to his strictures. Best to do in firmly but without anger though.

 

Honestly, I've tried and it seems pointless. He doesn't respond to subtlety at all. I wonder sometimes if he lost the ability to recognize context when he was in a coma. He says he lost some short term memory, so maybe he lost other things too. He wasn't always like this.

[Cynder]

Oh, yeah...I would definitely be tired of his behavior too. The only thing I would feel differently about it is I would not give one bit of interest as to why he is doing it. I would just be done with it.

 

I try to react as little as possible because I've wondered if that encourages him. But once in a whuile I slip just like everyone would. Like the other night...

[DN]

Honestly, I've tried and it seems pointless. He doesn't respond to subtlety at all. I wonder sometimes if he lost the ability to recognize context when he was in a coma. He says he lost some short term memory, so maybe he lost other things too. He wasn't always like this.

Then say it in terms "Knock it off, I don't want to hear about it and if you keep on, I shall leave".

[Cynder]

I still don't understand why he scolded me for saying I was sorry for my friend's loss. According to him it was because I didn't know the whole story. But that still doesn't seem like a good reason.

 

As for my trip... he tries to paint this as him being concerned... And maybe he is a little. But I wish he would give me some credit. I'm an adult. He told me he is terrified of me going because he doesn't think I'll come back. I even wrote about this in my blog because I know he reads it and I thought he might understand a little better reading it there. (I mean I wrote about my trip, not this whole situation in my blog.)

 

He wasn't always like this... I don't know if it's because our relationship has changed or because he is out of work or because of what happened to him back in September. Maybe it's a little of all three.

[Cynder]

He's been in an open relationship for 20 years. I don't think it's an issue of him not being cut out for it.

 

I think about ending it... then things get really calm and nice between us and I stop, then more crap starts. I did end it once... and it was over a facebook related issue. He was devastated of course and begged me to reconsider. I ended it on a Saturday, he came to see me on Tuesday and talked his way right back into my heart and into my bed. Everything was fine after that until the other night.

 

I know it's all a matter of me not letting him talk me back into anything... But I obviously am too weak to resist him. He knows exactly what to say and how to say it. I think if I end it again, he is just going to talk me right back into continuing this.

 

But, I also worry that if I end it he'll get pissed and try to turn all my friends against me. I know that seems far fetched, but I've learned to expect the worst in people. Not much surprises me anymore.

 

And yes, I agree there is a double standard here... Almost makes me wonder how he would react if I started friending all his friends and talking to all of them.

[Cynder]

Tbh Cynder, following your posts, I don't think this guy is any good for you and I honestly think you would be better off without having to deal with his games and hissy-fits.

 

He's completely in the wrong and you're justifying it.

 

Not to argue, but I don't see myself justifying it. I just recognize that I don't have the right to tell him who to talk to.

 

I am questioning weather or not I should be upset though... That's just what I do. All my life it's been me who's supposedly had all these problems, so I've gotten pretty used to thinking my opinions must be screwed up. It's hard to explain.

 

He doesn't see what he's doing as wrong. Several of my friends don't see what he's doing as wrong. So I've wondered if I am just not seeing this in the right light or something.

[Ms Darcy]

It sounds like you want to change a person - get him to do this or see that. Not worth. Not easy, but I would advise ending it instead of being so angry at him all the time.

[Cynder]

It sounds like you want to change a person - get him to do this or see that. Not worth. Not easy, but I would advise ending it instead of being so angry at him all the time.

 

I'm not angry all the time and I'm not trying to change him. I've known him ten years. Why would I want to change him? I'm just annoyed with something he does.

[catfeeder]

Telling anyone who's lost a friend that you're sorry for their loss is appropriate regardless of any circumstances. What's not only inappropriate but wildly bizarre is for anyone to comment on this. Period.

 

The guy needs something constructive to do, and if he's not willing to find it, I'd clarify for him that you're not willing to be a lab rat under his microscope. If he wants to meddle in your dealings with others, he can keep it to himself. Whether he accepts that or not isn't relevant, because you're fully capable of shutting down any conversation or contact you don't wish to have.

 

Whether anyone else you know is willing to do the same, or whether they keep playing FB sandbox with this guy isn't your concern. You have direct control over what you allow in your own life--and addressing his dealings with others only misses the point. This is navel gazing gone wrong.

[Cynder]

So you think I shouldn't react to this stuff anymore?

[catfeeder]

So you think I shouldn't react to this stuff anymore?

 

Pressing buttons for some reaction is what severely bored people do to amuse themselves. If you keep playing, he'll keep pressing. If you don't want to play, don't play.

[Cynder]

Interesting little update...

 

Tonight I told him next time I see him there's something I need to talk to him about. I said I think this should be a face to face conversation and I don't want to go into it in texts or online.

 

His response: "Your pregnant?"

[DN]

Well, I can see why he might think that.

[Cynder]

Well, I can see why he might think that.

 

Yea I know. It was just funny... it made me laugh, actually. That he would jump to that conclusion of all things.

[greywolf]

IMO you had a right to be pissed a long long time ago. Why you still put up with his crap is really beyond my comprehension. He seems really pathetic, needy, and lame.

 

Your reactions will not be the end of you two. The end of you two will be due to his constant disrespect for you.

[greywolf]

 

I think about ending it... then things get really calm and nice between us and I stop, then more crap starts.

 

I really do get this. I have a hard time staying mad at people. I don't like being mad. To me, anger is unnecessary drama and only hurts me. Now, you'd think this is a good thing, but a lot of times the result is me putting up with a lot of crap that I shouldn't have to. Someone does something to me that I don't like, I get upset, they apologize, then to me it's over and done because they apologized, right? What's the point of still being mad? And then it happens again, and again, and again... and still I can't stay mad about it. =/

 

But I think you just have to objectively think about whether all this drama is really worth having this guy in your life and decide from there. I know it's hard, because I still struggle with it too.

[Cynder]

IMO you had a right to be pissed a long long time ago. Why you still put up with his crap is really beyond my comprehension. He seems really pathetic, needy, and lame.

 

Your reactions will not be the end of you two. The end of you two will be due to his constant disrespect for you.

 

I really do get this. I have a hard time staying mad at people. I don't like being mad. To me, anger is unnecessary drama and only hurts me. Now, you'd think this is a good thing, but a lot of times the result is me putting up with a lot of crap that I shouldn't have to. Someone does something to me that I don't like, I get upset, they apologize, then to me it's over and done because they apologized, right? What's the point of still being mad? And then it happens again, and again, and again... and still I can't stay mad about it. =/

 

But I think you just have to objectively think about whether all this drama is really worth having this guy in your life and decide from there. I know it's hard, because I still struggle with it too.

 

One of these days I'll reach my breaking point just like anyone else would.

 

This is something I struggle with too. I think a lot of it goes back to how I was raised... I've been told it's my problem since I was a kid. Everything bad that happened to me as a child was my fault according to my parents and the authority figures in my life. So when people treat me bad I blame myself.

 

And usually by the time I reach my breaking point and realize I've had enough, the person treating me bad is already done with me and moved on to the next target.

[FarthestEdge]

Cynder

 

You keep saying he's changed since his illness. So I have to ask, are these changes something you are planning to put up with in the long-term? Let's assume this is the "new" him-whatever the reason, this is the kind of behaviour to expect going forward. You up for that? Explanations for his behaviour don't change the fact that your relationship with him seems to be full of drama and a fair bit one-sided, in his favour. Is that what you were expecting?

 

Also- I wouldn't be letting him drive you to the airport. I wouldn't put it past him to find a way to create a delay so you miss your plane.

 

Someone who really wants you to go should take you, otherwise, get airways transit, a cab or a bus.