I really need help! Help needed ASAP

[jerant03]

Thanks to those who read this.

 

I really need help with my situation. I'm new to this forum and no one seems to be helping (just viewing) me with what i need to do. i really need some insight on whats going on and what to do.

 

this girl, i know it in my soul, is the one for me, and im the one for her, even if it doesnt seem that way. its like a connection that you and the other have established and acknowledged and know its true, but its like things in life get in the way.

 

ill repost the problem because i revised my writing a bit. it is long, i know, but the more you know the better one can tackle the situation, right?

 

I had a relationship with a girl that i had met through my highschool marching band, and at first we were just friends (i had a girlfriend and she had a boyfriend, but we never really liked our partners), and over the months the chase between each other became really into it and my then gf had broken up with me (who was my first legit gf so i took it hard) and she had dumped her bf (whom she found really repulsive and felt that she got sucked up into having the relationship with him in the first place) because i was now single, and, by this time, we were really into each other. so, eventually we started spending more time (flirting and playing around) and by the end of that school year i had asked her out, and, with glee, she said "YES!"

 

After that, things really clicked between us. everyone said that we were perfect for each other, even our parents, close family members, and inner circle of friends said the same thing. we were really happy, we essentially complimented each other personality-wise and by the things we do. eventually, things became to the point where we were at each other's house, or out and about the town with each other 'till one of us had to be home, and even then, we called each other or texted each other until one of us went to sleep. whenever there was a problem in life (for her, relatives died and she has a misrable family life, and for me, i have to deal with being in the middle of my parents very bitter divorce.) we were there for each other through those troubled times. in addition, we became sexual to the point of foreplay because we already built the emotional relationship, and we felt that we can take it to the physical level as well (by this time we were already a few months into the relationship).

 

of course, we didnt have a perfect relationship, we did have minuscule disagreements that we resolved within minutes, or we were annoyed at times by the other, but we kept a very open line of communication and resolved those problems too.

 

Just after march of this year, heres where the both of us stood history-wise in our private lives:

for her:

Family life: at this point she doesnt want to be home because her father is a drunk and says things he shouldnt and hurts her and her mom emotionally. her mother and father fight constantly, and the father just got into legal trouble. on top of that, the family is trying to adjust to the recent loss of uncle and grandmother, and beloved pet rabbit (my ex took it the hardest).

School+work: shes working two jobs (one of them i work with her) and shes graduating this school year and is stressed about finals, college, and just being an adult (which she finds very stressful and boring).

 

now heres where things go sour. at this point, my ex says she wants to b more at home bcuz of school and work, and shes really beat at the end of the day (which i respect and i try to make her feel better, to some success). but as time progressed i began to become more "clingy" and start asking her all kinds of questions (eg. "do you still love me?" and "are we still gonnah be together till the end of our lives?" and yes, we had already essentially painted a picture of us being married in the end and basically living the american dream.) but only because i didnt realize that she just needed space to relax and get away from the world, but how i saw it, she ALWAYS came to me with her problems and alway vented to me, even before we got together, and she was just as clingy as i was. so she began to become irritated and I didnt stop (huge mistake and insecurity on my part) and became more distant, but only a little.

 

however come late may, she got an xbox 360 (because she likes to play and watch me play video games) and so she started staying home even more, but we still hung over each others houses,and we did hang out a lot over xbox live, and her time on xbox live wasnt very long (an hour or two). so, i introduced her to a friend of mine whom i shall call mike. Mike is like me except he has Bipolar Personality Disorder type 2 and explosive anger disorder, ADHD, depression (because hes bored), and he's a jerk at times and likes to have a superiority complex, aside from that, him and i talk the same, believe the same, and almost act the same (when he doesnt have his manic episodes resulting in him spewing vulgar for fun). my ex and him become friends. and in fact, she wanted to take a road trip to see him and hang with him with our friend "joe". joe and my ex felt that i shouldnt go because its gonnah be too hot for me and they thought i would get bored there.

 

come prom, my gf and i had a blast, and at this point i told her i was ready to be intimate (which she had been patiently waiting for) and we had sex prom weekend, and it was a very emotionally fulfilling experience and we really enjoyed it. about two weeks later (by this time my ex says that shes been busy with school and work and shes taking day naps now, but not a lot of activity on xbox), joe comes to me and says "she's fallen in love with mike" and i barely held myself together enough to walk and talk to get the details out of him. he presented the situation to me as follows: she still loves me a lot and shes conflicted because she loves mike, and feels that its wrong because she really loves me. also, she felt that im "one of a kind" (because i'm more mature for my age and i treat her right) but she doesnt wannah feel like shes married (understandable) to me - she doesnt want the commitment we kinda established, and she wants to go out and have fun in college and then in the end settle down with me because she wants to "get the crazy out." and that trip to see mike? well that was now for making an opportunity to "do things" to and with him.

 

over several attempts of joe talking to her to get her to realize what shes doing is irrational, to no avail. and so i spilled the beans and told her that joe told me everything. she told me this: its only a stupid middle school crush and she still loves me a lot, but she still wants to break up with me when she hits college to get the crazy out, and see what else is out there but shes very confident that shes going to think "wow all these guys suck...i want tony." knowing shes hell bent on this, i just sat and listened.

 

a friend of ours' grad party took place 3 days later, and long story short, i got caught looking at her phone and seeing her interactions with mike....she was pissed and cried and i apologized, but we didnt talk for three weeks until i got her to settle our problems 5 days ago. but in the mean time, i had a few conversations with our inner circle (whom she kept in the dark, and they were angry about that) and with mike. my friends were there just to listen and give advice (shes not in her right mind, give her time, be you and she'll realize whats shes doing etc), but mikes words shocked me. he said that he was only joking and acting himself (even though the txts were kinda into it, with him saying he can do this and that, and they were all things that me and my gf did, and saying "loveya".), and he finds my gf stupid, irrational, ugly and disgusting (of course i defended her telling him the contrary), and that he'd never fall for her (probably a lie). he also liked to mention that people are very easy to manipulate, hinting at her and me. i defended my ex saying she's very beautiful and that i love her for who she is FIRST and everything else is secondary (looks, class etc).

 

everyone else feels that shes not in her right mind, that it makes no sense to just throw away a guy whom she was extremely crazy for (she called me "the one", the love of her life, her future husband, you name it she called me it), and that since mike rejected her (in a text) she feels like she has nowhere to go since i found out shes been trying to essentially cheat on me (so shes thinking she lost me and mike).

 

a thing about joe. joe likes to look at things rationally and tries to analyze people and try to fix things, but joe is two faced and goes behind everyones backs (during this just passed 4th of july, he talked to me over xbox live with my ex right next to him, with his motives unknown but i didnt say anything incriminating) and tell the other what they say. so in a sense he threw himself between us and our problem which i yelled at him for enabling her not to talk to me in the first place, but he claimed "well im her friend im not just gonnah tell her dont talk to me."

 

mike also told me when he rejected her, he removed her from his friends list on xbox, facebook, and his phones contact list. with that, at a friends party, she passed by joe and said "the more time im away from mike, the more i realize i should be with Tony" which was like 2 days before the sitdown. also, she said we should "break up for now" whenever she brought up breaking up in our sitdown.

 

our conversation (with joe there as well because we both wanted him there as a neutral party) established this.

she told me this:

-that she knows what she did was wrong (she hasnt acted and talked to anyone like she cares though, but she hides things to the outside world while acting normal, if they're not very good friends she doesnt vent anything to them) and that it was stupid to do.

-that i have been too clingy, ive been too indoorsy, that i dont act like a friend when we hang with friends and that i always try to "pull her to the side", i put guilt trips on her in our arguements (not true), and she felt that i push to much for sexual activity (thats really 70/30 with her being the 70% of the time, but i didnt say anything).

-she feels that i dont understand her and that i dont listen (she hasnt opened up for a month or so and i didnt push for her to talk because that would get me nowhere)

-she feels she cant talk to me about these problems because i am part of the problem (so shes avoiding the problem?)

-she feels that ive been too kind over the situation with me finding out she tried to cheat on me (shes saying that i didnt get mad and dump her on the spot)

-she finds that "sugar coating" doest get her anywhere

-she still loves me, but she doesnt know how much or if she still wants to love me.

-she doesnt know how much she loves me after me looking at her phone, especially since theres now trust issues.

-that she doesnt want me to change because im a great guy and she doesnt want that to change (i have changed and i dont like that. shes afraid that i'm gonnah change for her and be "fake")

-finally, none of its my fault because she let things get worse and these problems have been present since 5 months before this sit down. (again..avoiding the problem?)

-in conclusion, we need to break up so we can take a break and she can organize herself because everything has been stressing her out (but that fails to show when we had this talk, but i and joe sensed it)

 

i told her:

-we can fix this and that breaking up and pushing the reset button makes no sense because its avoiding the problem

-i still love her because she became infatuated with some guy 600 miles away whos 18 and has no car, job or license or a future for that matter, and so it's silly to just break up with her over it.

-we've had such a good relationship until we hit this rock and we can overcome it if we just work it out through communication, and right now we havent been communicating properly (more through joe).

-i posed a question: "lets say we followed your plan of separating at college. how would you feel, right now, if i found someone and i didnt love you anymore?" immediate reaction: (looked surprised and kinda worried) "why? is there someone like that now?" (asked that twice) i said no. then: (pauses, looks down, looks back up still kinda upset) "well...i would be upset and hurt, and i wouldnt be proud of us that that happened, but i would have no choice but to be happy for you and deal with it."

-i also brought her through memory lane with all the great times we had, she blushed and giggled a little bit, i asked if she was blushing but she said "its just hot out" but she never blushes when its "hot out"

 

outcome: we broke up because she wanted to "organize" herself and thoughts and to get over mike, and i agreed because i really didnt have a choice, but i said its probably for the best for now.

in the aftermath i found that one of my friends texted her to make a decision the day before to either be with me or not. and she replied "i dont know what to do"

 

in the end, i realized that im not the same person she fell in love with and that i have changed over the year and a half we were together, and the first thing i need to do to hope to ever get her back is to be me. on top of that, i need to improve upon that me (ie be more outdoorsy and less clingy and more of a leader). and i need to get a hold of myself because i need to control my emotions.

 

unfortunetly, i cant be 100% on what she truly wants because some things seem like the truth and other times she seems like she's beating around the bush, and, honestly, i felt that i said a whole lot in that sit down but she told me little. on top of that, she hasnt asked for her things back and she hasnt returned my things, she's kept all the photos of us kissing and all the romantic photos we have on facebook, and she just recent either hid the relationsip status or changed it to nothing, but claims that she doesnt know how to remove that (when she originally set up the relationship when we agreed on doing it, so she knows how to do it). Finally, joe and i feel that she left things in limbo....that this whole breaking up for a while thing was a way for her to get more time to organize herself and think about what the heck is going on, or that shes just trying to put me down lightly (which shes been doing a terrible job at doing if thats the case), but i agreed to give her that space for a while (but i'm going to use the No Contact Rule now), and we're gonnah "start over," but at this point, she has been completely not her and its not certain whats to say is probable or not. she's essentially turned into mike by being on xbox live for long hours and into the night (2-5 am) and she uses his phrases ("oh golly" and "oh my gosh guys" the way mike says it).

 

joe, all of our friends and i looked back at what the relationship was around 3 months ago, she said i was the one and the love of her life with such conviction that she knew it in her heart and soul, and she just pulled an instant 180 in a matter of 3 weeks. she always cared for me, but she was the one who stopped going out and the one who no longer opened up or talked, so i feel that she's projecting her faults onto me and the relationship

 

wow thts a lot of writing, but i feel its useful to know everything. so please give me your insight and feelings on what i should do, abandon her or try to get her back and how.

 

and one question was raised about all of this: why didnt i get pissed and dumped her when i caught her on her phone? also, doesnt her not saying im sorry say something about her?

my answer: getting angry gets us nowhere and i value all the memories and things we work towards in our relationship to just throw it away like that, it just not me. and to be honest, i feel that i can forgive and forget...its just a matter of willpower

also, just because one doesnt say sorry doesnt mean that they arent sorry. i saw it in her that she was guilty and that she knows she messed things up a lot, and how shes been avoiding things by trying to act perfectly normal and that shes already over it shows that shes hurting to (in my opinion at least)

 

-just recently i was leaving for work when she came in. I first pretended like i was busy looking at my phone and walked to a friend she came in with, and i chatted with her for a few seconds, then walked towards the entrance that my ex works at. my ex was looking in my direction (like, really trying to search for me, she was leaning over her desk and everything) but when i came into view (where she was looking straight at me), she immediately went back to sitting normal like she wasnt doing anything. i smiled a little and waved as i passed and she did the same back and still smiled while she helpped customers. i dont know if that says anything.

 

she hasnt asked for her things back, but she told joe that she wants to get her prom dress and ps3 out of my house (the ps3 doesnt even work...go fig), BUT she doesnt want me or my mom taking it the wrong way. i have her ps3 and prom dress, a few of her socks, shoes, something for her bra, a frog and blinket that holds HUGE sentimental value (reminds her of her dead grandmother and she expects me to treat it with importance), a belt she likes and a hair product she uses to keep her hair straight that she uses everytime we (yes WE, together, at the same time) take showers in my bathroom, or when she takes one by herself.

 

so yeah, please take everything into consideration and please respond ASAP. i dont want to miss my chances of fixing things. ask any questions you have and ill answer as best i can.

[jerant03]

i also have made T charts listing the pro's and cons of each other and the relationship. ive spent a whole day coming back to them to make sure i covered everything. the good outweigh the bad on all of them...so could it truly be that the stressors of life got to her and she just needs a break from life for a bit?

[wicked6018]

you can't beat yourself up and say you need to change things about yourself without realizing she has things to change to and a big decision to make. remember, if it's worth it, it shouldn't cause you pain.

[iBroken]

You might get some replies if you shorten your post. I tried to read it but lost interest.

 

Can you TL;DR it? AKA Cliff notes on the highlights? You might generate more replies that way

[wicked6018]

saying that you made a T chart....it sounds like you are obsessed over her and the situation . i think for your own health and well being you need to back off.

[jerant03]

hmm ill try that, it know its long. thanks

[jerant03]

it didnt make the T chart out of obsession, i did it to really evaluate the worth of the relationship at this point and to decide if i want to move on just yet

[RedDress]

Phew! Yeah... that was a long post. But... yanno... it's Sunday afternoon, so I read it.

 

Here's the deal. It's actually quite simple. She wants her cake and she wants to eat it too.

 

You see... she's young! She wants to go out, she wants to date a bunch of guys, she wants to experience the party lifestyle, she wants to know what's out there. I actually think this has nothing to do with you (being indoorsy/outdoorsy, being clingy/not clingy, etc)... I think it's her perception of you because she doesn't really want to be in a relationship anymore. So all those things? They are suffocating to her because she wants out. It's not because you actually have to fix those things... it's because she simply doesn't want a relationship anymore.

 

The problem that SHE is struggling with is that you are a great guy. She genuinely cares for you. I don't think she wants to hurt you. She just wants to be single.

 

So... what she's trying to do is have her cake and eat it too. She wants to break up "temporarily" so that she can sew her wild oats. She wants to go gallivanting with other guys while you sit there and quietly wait for her. Then, if she doesn't find anyone better, she wants you to be "reserved" for her, so she can just come back and pick it all back up. Oh! But if she finds someone better, she's not coming back and she doesn't want to feel guilty because she broke up with you. So... I mean... that would make it your own fault for waiting - but please wait. LOL!

 

That's what's going on.

 

Honestly? I know you really want the relationship to work and I know it hurts a lot. But isn't that completely unfair to you?? Of course it is. And she knows it too.

 

I hate to say it - but I think this one's over. You need to break up. You need to move on. You need to find someone else.

 

Maybe one day she will be back, but you can't think that way. There's a 99% chance she is gone and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do about it.

 

I am so sorry you are going through this. It's completely unfair. Unfortunately, though, it takes two people to decide to be in a relationship and only one to break it off.

 

I think it's time to give her back all her stuff, de-friend her from facebook, cut contact and start looking for someone else. Anything less than that and you will hold on and you WON'T find anyone else. You will be stuck waiting for her because you will cling to that hope. YOU have to be proactive now. NOT to get her back. NOT to change her mind. But for YOU and your own best interests.

 

I know that's not what you want to hear - but it really is the best possible advice, in my opinion. Sorry.

[jerant03]

hmm...ok but isnt that kind of hyprocritical of her to say and do that? she doesnt want a relationship...but she wants to have a bunch of relationships? and what about her wanting to make things work through college before? shes well aware that usually guys in college (least where shes goin) arent gonnah be as mature or, the best way i can put it, be that fulfilling of the things girls need in a relationship, and everyone agrees. and also, when joe was filling me in on the things she says, she was convinced that im not, or cant be, the "party" type, which, IMO, is totally untrue because im young too and ive been interested in trying stuff like that.

 

she also told me that she wanted to be friends in college that would still love each other dear, we would basically be on the border of dating essentially, but we'd see other people (she got hesitant on that point, she even sounded upset) and stay super close.

 

btw could you elaborate on her "perception" of me? and what you mean by she genuinly cares for me? does still love me?

[Aims7]

I read recently that if a love is right, you don't have to do back flips to make it work. How true is that - when it's right it will effortless for you. She's not the right one for you if you have to work so hard.

[jerant03]

see thats the thing Aims, we hardly worked to make the relationship work, everything that we did just happened naturally, i never did something to make her happy, i did it because it made me happy to do it, and in return she was happy about me doing it.

[Aims7]

But the sad fact is you're doing the back flips now. I was the same - I had a guy who connected with me like we'd known each other from birth. It was amazingly effortless - but I've lately been doing the back flips to try and hold onto him without success. We all tend to think about how it was but look at how it is now. There's always a chance for them to come back but that chance can't be relied upon. Just know you're not alone with your feelings - this website is great for that because friends easily bore of breakup talk.

[jerant03]

im not sure how im doing back flips now. could you clarify?

[RedDress]

hmm...ok but isnt that kind of hyprocritical of her to say and do that?

 

Yup

 

she doesnt want a relationship...but she wants to have a bunch of relationships? and what about her wanting to make things work through college before? shes well aware that usually guys in college (least where shes goin) arent gonnah be as mature or, the best way i can put it, be that fulfilling of the things girls need in a relationship, and everyone agrees. and also, when joe was filling me in on the things she says, she was convinced that im not, or cant be, the "party" type, which, IMO, is totally untrue because im young too and ive been interested in trying stuff like that.

 

She doesn't want a relationship. She wants to play. You know those "needs"? She doesn't care, 'cause she doesn't want them. She doesn't care if those guys are going to be mature because she doesn't want to love them... she wants to fool around.

 

She wants fast food and you are a healthy meal. You can say "Look! I can be a hamburger! I have a great whole wheat bun... I am fun... you can get all your nutrients..." - but nutrients be damned! She wants McDo! You can never be (nor should you ever be) McDo.

 

That making it work through college thing? That's because she KNOWS that she SHOULD want a healthy meal... so, she's trying to hang on... but, listen. She wants McDo.

 

I really think that's the best analogy. You are 10000% right that you are better than that. But it's not what she wants.

 

she also told me that she wanted to be friends in college that would still love each other dear, we would basically be on the border of dating essentially, but we'd see other people (she got hesitant on that point, she even sounded upset) and stay super close.

 

Yup. That's that whole wanting the cake and eating it too thing. She DOES want to see other people. She just feels bad telling you that. She wants McDo but she knows she won't want that forever. She wants to keep you hanging on as a back-up plan.

 

btw could you elaborate on her "perception" of me? and what you mean by she genuinly cares for me? does still love me?

 

She does care for you. She thinks you are fabulous. But she wants McDo.

[Aims7]

From your post it sounds like you are giving this girl all she needs so she can sort herself out, but all the while you feel the pain. It sounds like you will do all you need to but you're not getting much in return. It's like with my situation I would do all I could for his emotions but neglected my own. So I think the back flips aren't always about working hard in a relationship but also doing things to accommodate when you don't get much back. Not sure if that makes sense?

[jerant03]

She does care for you. She thinks you are fabulous. But she wants McDo.

 

im sorry if im annoying you by asking this a second time, but im one to get the wrong message at times. so shes still in love with me? if so how much?

 

and what about open relationships? i dont feel bad about her running off with other guys if we had one because i know im better. i was shocked that she would try to cheat on me, which she told me when we were dating was "shallow and a terrible thing to do." she sold it off, and REALLY gave me that look, that it's taboo to her, that she cant consider herself a good person if she did something like that. anyway, open relationships would essentially be the same plan its just, we still have each other in a sense. my father, whos gay, has an open relationship with his bf, who sees like 4 other guys. so why not do something like that? shes obviously bothered if i found someone else and forgot about her. so why not use an open relationship so that she can still have a hold of me and i have a hold of her?

[jerant03]

i also forgot to mention that im also in this mindset because a close friend of ours, "k," has a relationship with her bf jordan. jordan went to japan for his studies and k was in hs, she cheated on him emotionally, and jordan dumped her claiming that he didnt love her, but they battled it out, and k wouldnt do such a thing ever again, even if shes in college. but the point is, they battled it out and now jordan's back in the us with k and theyre having a blast now as bf and gf.

 

also id like to add that healthy Micky D's food has both healthy and unhealthy foods with every meal, to counter your analogy. but thank you SOOOOO MUCH for your RedDress. same for the support Aims ^^

i really appreciate the effort in reading my novel

[RedDress]

See? I'm hesitant to comment on the love aspect because I don't want you to cling to hope. But then you spoke about open relationships... and yanno... that could work. LOL! If, that is, you are ok with that.

 

Yup. If you've seen them work, it's something you think you can do and all that... yes. I think you get the dilemma now. I think this is more how you would need to approach the situation. When you are talking about "making it work" - I'm sure that she's feeling suffocated and still wanting out (because that's what she thinks she needs to do to get what she wants).

 

Next step is to talk to her about that. That's absolutely what's going on, IMO.

[jerant03]

well a little thing about me RedDress, and i understand if you feel im cocky or not, but i like to know all the facts (or close to the facts). im the kind of person that wants to know what the hell's going on (hence me asking joe 5 million questions, going to friends about this, and even asking my ex that question), and if it gets my hopes up so be it. if she loves me, then i have purpose to trying to try new things. if not then im just gonnah sit here thinking "why the hell am i even posting on a forum for help if she doesnt at least love me one nanogram?" a tarot (yes i tried them, they also told me to "try new things" and to "solve new problems by going down an old path") card told me to roll with the punches, and trust me, breaking up with the one i love has equated, pain-wise, with the loss of my grandfather, and im still alive and well, so i can roll with these punches.

however i would like your insight on what she said during our sitdown, the "problems" thats she didnt adress and let fester.

 

 

 

is this her exaggerating/being stressed/ truthful? i mean she didnt really sound convincing that a lot of those were real problems, and on top of that, she contributed to those problems more than i did.

 

could she also be projecting onto the relationship or making excuses so she can hide her real intentions of breaking up?

[RedDress]

is this her exaggerating/being stressed/ truthful? i mean she didnt really sound convincing that a lot of those were real problems, and on top of that, she contributed to those problems more than i did.

 

could she also be projecting onto the relationship or making excuses so she can hide her real intentions of breaking up?

 

She might not know what she's doing. She might not want to go for the open-relationship thing. What's clear is she wants out.

 

-that she knows what she did was wrong and that it was stupid to do.

Yeah - but she still did it. Why? Because she has itchy feet.

-that i have been too clingy,

She has itchy feet, so anything you do will feel clingy to her.

ive been too indoorsy,

She feels tied down

that i dont act like a friend when we hang with friends

Cause you act like a bf when she doesn't want a bf

and that i always try to "pull her to the side",

I dunno... do you do that?

i put guilt trips on her in our arguements (not true),

She feels guilty when you argue. Maybe cause she knows she's wrong but she just wants out

and she felt that i push to much for sexual activity (thats really 70/30 with her being the 70% of the time, but i didnt say anything).

She doesn't really want to be sexual because she doesn't want a relationship

 

-she feels that i dont understand her and that i dont listen

Chicken or the egg. Did she stop opening up because you don't listen? Or did she stop opening up because she doesn't really want a relationship and now she gets all annoyed and doesn't really want to talk?

 

-she feels she cant talk to me about these problems because i am part of the problem

She doesn't know how to talk about it because she doesn't want a resolution. She wants to have her cake (you) and eat it too (have her freedom).

 

-she feels that ive been too kind over the situation with me finding out she tried to cheat on me

She was trying to get you to dump her so that she wouldn't have to do it

 

-she finds that "sugar coating" doest get her anywhere

Don't know what this refers to

 

-she still loves me, but she doesnt know how much or if she still wants to love me.

She loves you but she wants out

 

she doesnt know how much she loves me after me looking at her phone, especially since theres now trust issues.

This made her mad. Especially since she wants out, so it's double-violating to her because it's making her into a bad person

 

-that she doesnt want me to change because im a great guy and she doesnt want that to change

She wants you to stop trying to make it work and just let her go

 

-finally, none of its my fault because she let things get worse and these problems have been present since 5 months before this sit down.

She's been wanting out for about 5 months now but she doesn't know how to do it

 

 

I really think you should just let her go. She might need space. She might come back, she might not. But the longer you hold on and try to make it work, the more she's going to get annoyed and never want to talk to you again.

 

You can try the open relationship route (maybe that's what the problem is)... but... if she says no, you've got to just go. You are doing further damage by hanging on.

[Ms Darcy]

hmm...ok but isnt that kind of hyprocritical of her to say and do that? she doesnt want a relationship...but she wants to have a bunch of relationships?

 

That's cliff notes for saying "I don't want a committed relationship with you but I might with someone else if I find someone that strikes my fancy."

[jerant03]

@RedDress

 

when she means indoorsy, she means that i dont want to go out, its sorta kinda true, its really 50/50 because shes been staying home more to sleep and such and then sometimes i just dont wannah go out (idk im an idiot, at those instances i really wanted to but didnt for some reason.)

 

clingy-she complained, i didnt listen...it was kinda excessive now that i look at it.

 

i dont act like a friend when we hang with friends-because i "pull her to the side" (kinda also means i try to isolate us from our friends upon her clarifying), i did that on some occasions.

 

sexual activity-but she's wanted to have sex with me for a while and she loved it when i finally gave it to her and wanted more too. beforehand, she always made sexual advances and i played along and she LOVED it. even when we're in public, she still made those advances.

 

I dont understand her because i dont listen- the communication just died because it was the same problems in life every day(fam/work/school), and she also just wanted time to sleep. she secluded herself from our friends as well because of the same reason

 

"sugar coating" about anything in life in general-she cant beat around the bush(as she put it), cant make things lighter than they are

 

problems growing since 5 months ago-but she hasnt been talking about the separating at college thing until about 1.5 weeks after prom, so she never expressed wanting out until that moment.

 

and what about her wanting to make things work before? she was always afraid that things wouldnt work out. even in college when i asked her about that she would reply "we'll make things work. i promise. just dont think bad thoughts because bad thingsll happen ok?" and she was also clingy, that is until life started to get rough.

 

also shes not talking to ANYONE about this whole thing. i was just talking to "k" and she said, she put things on pause because shes trying to figure out what to do. she doesnt want to lose you but she wants to do all these things and get out the crazy because she wants to not waste her life (i totally agree and i wouldnt hold it against her). and right now, shes being selfish in not tackling the problem and i think she needs to talk to someone. in fact you should wean your way back into talking to her (i said no and explained NC and its purpose, but said she does need to talk to some one, maybe Joe). she needs time to just organize herself and to plan out [her future]. its looks like she really doesnt want to lose you over this decision and thats whats really eating away at her.

 

this is where i believe open relationship can come into play, it allows her to have her cake AND eat it too. we both get what we want and its easier on the both of us and it can be a healthy way to address this conflict she has within her. i dont think she WANTS out but she feels thats the only way to eat her cake, but forks and knives are overrated. we can eat it using spoons too ya kno.

[Ms Darcy]

I have a friend who had an open relationship with his girlfriend many years ago. I'll call him Todd and her Tammy. Well, they brought in Jen into their relationship circle and he fell in love with Jen. Todd and Jen are now married ... and monogamous.

[jerant03]

also @ RedDress

 

something doesnt even seem right with her plan tho. i mean even after prom, she was still doing the whole "you're my man" thing. she still was planning out our lives (like how shes gonnah get a big car for the family and im gonnah have a small car because i like smaller cars). she was still saying all the things we said before. she still emphasized who she loves me a lot and forever, and she doesnt every want to lose that love for me.

 

even when i first confronted her the first time, she told me that she still loves me like mad and she never wants that feeling for me (emphasis on me) to fade. she even told me "heck you still make me blush even when you dont do anything, and its so effortless on your part and i love it." and when she talked about breaking up in college, yeah she told me she wants to go fool around and all that, but she she made a much bigger emphasis on how she's just doing it to fool around and that im "one of a kind" and "the one." basically the more important topic (when she talked) was how much love she has for me, how she never wants that love to fade (on either end), hwo she wouldnt find it possible for it to fade, and how shes gonnah love me like crazy till the end of her days.

 

another thing...this whole "we dont know the future" stuff? MIKE started that stuff. i had called, crying, my ex (just after prom weekend) saying i was afraid that i wasnt making her happy and that shes losing love for me. well she first said that she loves me a lot and that she wouldnt ever want to lose love for me. but it was mike talking when she told me on the phone "but we dont know the future. i could get hit by a bus tomorrow or down the line you could find another girl that you think is better than me." so i wonder if shes trying to rationalize her "need" to be single. like shes forcing herself to embrace these ideas. yanno....like if you have a full stomach and youre trying to eat something. it hurts to eat more, but you did it anyway. this would also explain why shes so hesitant to say "we dont know the future" and why she seems worried/upset when i mention that i could also find another girl, using that logic.

 

another thing...where shes going for college isnt really a party school, everyone is stuck up and are more focused on going to class and high tailing it out of there. on top of that, she doesnt have the kind of body that college dudes are into. also, she even hides her features (breasts, hips etc etc), hell she wears guys (mainly mine, and im husky) clothing, and it hides EVERYTHING. when i look back, she never wears anything that reveals anything or her features unless im around. (she doesnt wear open tops/tank tops unless im there, tighter shirts/shorts, or even certain underware and bras.) and she hasnt done that with any guy shes tried to chase either.

 

toughts?

[penelope13]

Is this how you communicated with her as well: wordy/lengthy explanations, focusing on minute details, pounding on something if you don't understand a different view point? - It's very challenging and energy draining to get through and filter out what is important.

 

As to the future of this relationship: I think you should let the relationship and her go. Maybe much later down the road, you will cross paths again and may want to try again, but for the time being you should go separate ways.

 

You started a relationship when you were both relatively young; while you seem at a point were you truly believe that you have found the one and you want to think long term, I think she got swepped away in the fantasy (thus all these profuse confessions of love, 'you are the one, 'love of my live' etc), without really fully realizing what any of these phrases truly mean. The longer the relationship continued, the more she felt somehow that she wasn't ready to settle down. Since she is not the type of person who is very much aware and in tune with all her contradictory feelings, her actions started to be as confused and contradictory.

 

For her own well being and mental/emotional development it is essential that she separates from you and has the opportunity to figure out who she is and who she wants to be.

 

One other comment: I would stop involving all these other people in order to maintain/reignite your relationship. If you want to communicate with someone do it directly, don't involve all these other people.