Who is in the wrong?

[shayshay07]

I'd like some feedback ENA...to make a long story short, my mother and I aren't close, haven't been since I was about 18, and have a strained, awkward relationship. She is kind of neurotic and weird....ok maybe I shouldnt say "weird" but I'm just not the person that understands her personality and way of thinking. Anyway, she moved out of state 4 hrs away 3 yrs ago. She was in a 20 yr relationship, and they broke up. Her S/O is very successful, and they were never married. My mother was not working and completely co-dependent so she got 'put out" and had no choice but to move into the house my grandmother left her when she passed.

 

Anyway, so now she lives long-distance, but only comes stay at my house when she has dr appointments (i dont know why she hasnt found a new doctor where she lives) or her friends up here invite her to events and she wants to crash at my place. This has started to annoy me because she NEVER comes to visit me or her granddaughter, its like my house is a free motel, and she comes and goes out with her friends, and expects me to be home to let her in and out because obviously she doesnt have a key. Last time she invited herself up to my house from Tuesday-Sunday because she had hair appts, dr appts, and parties with friends lined up. First of all, me, my S/O, and my daughter live in a small 2-BR so there is no room for overnight visitors except the living room couch. Again, it wouldnt be so irritating if she came to visit US, not just to crash here while going about her own business. Well even then, i guess it would still be a little irritating to invite yourself to my living room for 6 days. We just don't have the room. Oh, and a few times she comes back after 'partying' at about 1am. Guess who has to be up listening for the door to let her in that time of night?

 

Last time she asked to come to my house, this is how the voicemail went, "Hi, I was just calling to see how you're doing, and to let you know some friends have invited me to a cookout Saturday, so I'll be driving up Thursday afternoon, I have a hair appoint ment friday, the cookout saturday, and I'll be leaving out Sunday. I wanted to see if you'll be home so I can stay with you." Ummmm, first of all, you weren't calling to "see how I'm doing" you were calling to see if i would host you for four days. My mom doesnt call to see how i'm doing or my daughter is doing.

 

So anyway, I havent heard from her AT ALL since that last visit which was about 2 weeks ago. Today she sent me a random text that said, "If u like slurpees, they're free tomorrow at 7-11." LOL. If you can type out that stupid, useless message, than how about "How are u? How are things going?" I didnt even respond. So ENA do u think i have the right to be irritated? Im getting to the point where I dont' want much of a relationship with her at all. Maybe i'm being sensitive but i'm starting to get insulted. Do you think its rude next time to refuse to host her visits with friends in the future? My thing is, if your friends invited you out of town to an event, then why arent you staying with them?? Oh, and no, I don't sit around and get offended because she doesn't call me, I call her to see how things are oing, and she usually cuts me off, and the conversations dont usually last longer than a minute.

[Seraphim]

I would not make this about who is wrong and who is right, the real issues is boundaries. She is over stepping boundaries. I would just say, you can not host her and would she please go to a hotel.

[shayshay07]

I know I've just been having a hard time doing that because she's my mom, the only one who raised me and I always thought it was rude to ask family to go to a hotel. I guess i was asking am i wrong to not want to call her anymore, or should i try harder to connect with her. I know if i had a friend who acted like her I would cut them off, no questions asked, but she's my mom and we have a small family.

[Seraphim]

I know I've just been having a hard time doing that because she's my mom, the only one who raised me and I always thought it was rude to ask family to go to a hotel. I guess i was asking am i wrong to not want to call her anymore, or should i try harder to connect with her. I know if i had a friend who acted like her I would cut them off, no questions asked, but she's my mom and we have a small family.

 

I totally understand you. I have a dad who is the same way. My dad is mentally ill and causes no end of grief, but he is my dad, ya know? I do understand and yes, it is a bit rude to ask family to go to a hotel, she is your mother and not a friend, BUT she is not really acting how you would like her to act. So what I do with my dad is, when he is talking normal that day I will talk to him on the phone for about a half hour and when he is not normal I say,"dad I will talk to you when you are better", and I hang up. I know it is hard to have family that does not act like family. But if you feel insulted I would sit her down and tell her you are and why you are insulted and if she does not get it after that then maybe when she comes she will have to stay at a hotel.

[ForumGuy]

Do you not trust her enough to give her a key to your house, so she can let herself in? My mom and I were never close, but I would not have hesitated to give her a key to my house if needed. Your mom is who she is, and she is your mom, and this doesn't sound that bad to me.

[shayshay07]

Thanks victoria66. I will talk to her but i cant stand it because she is hyper-sensitive and EVERY word has to be 'correct' in her eyes and in just the right tone or she gets upset whichvis why everyday convo i stressful for me because im not as softspoken as she is.

Forumguy- its not that i dont trust her, we dont have a spare key. I have one, and my bf has one. We have different schedules. If i gave my mom mine that means i would be stuck in the house all day w my 2 yr old unless i want to be locked out. When i stay at other people's houses, i give the courtesy of letting then know about what time i will be back, or calling from my location, ans saying, "hey are u gonna be home? I was planning on getting back in about an hour". Simple. My mom just shows up at my door after going out, and if im not home, she calls repeatedly from her cell phone and lets me know shes waiting outside or in the parking lot.

[RedDress]

I would do two things:

 

1) I know you said you don't have a spare key... but it's simple, really. Bring your key to the locksmith and get them to make you another copy. This usually costs about $5. Even if it's one of those super-high-security keys that require you to have the ownership certificate (these exist but are very rare) - since you rent, you can likely purchase another one from your super. They sometimes charge $25-$30. But really? Think about how much frustration that money will save. It's a necessity.

 

2) Make sure you have the spare key with you when you have this discussion. Next time she visits you, sit her down and have a talk. Explain to her that while you love her very much, it is really hard on all of you when she comes to sleep on your couch. Explain how disruptive everything is. Ask her what she thinks can be done to alleviate some of the stress. Let her know you've been thinking about ways to make this better. Suggest she stays at a friend's house next time. Also hand her the key.

 

There are many ways to solve a problem. But first... she has to realize there is a problem.

[Seraphim]

The thing is she counts on using her "hyper sensitivity" whether it is conscious or not, to get you to do it her way. Just calmly and clearly state that you feel insulted and why and if she is out of sorts that is more or less her issue not yours. It would be a shame to loose your relationship with your mom because you are feeling insulted,ignored and resentful. It is easier to communicate your needs.

[chitown9]

It was heartwrenching for me to read your post. The dynamics of mother/daughter relationships can be so complicated sometimes. My mother acted weird also. It was not just my opinion, but the opinion of others as well. She was mentally ill, and even though I knew that, it didn't always help in my personal relationship with her.

 

This is really not about the logistics of how to deal with her when she comes to your town for whatever reason. It is about the dynamics of your relationship with her. If you had a great relationship you would view this entire situation differently wouldn't you? Even if it was a stretch to accomadate her in your small place, you would do it gladly if you had a great relationship. It sounds like your mother is a difficult person and I know my mother was a difficult person. My dad, knowing this about her, asked me on his deathbed to take care of her when he was gone. I agreed to do so. I was totally there for my mom as she aged. In her last years I was her caregiver 24/7. This act of service, which I would have never have done if my father had not requested it, would have never given me the opportunity to get to know her well. Yes, it was difficult to care for her, but I also learned so many positive things about her. I grieved when she died.

 

I really hope that you can breach the gap so that you can see the positive things about her too. I was so grateful to have the opportunity to have that with my mom. I hope that you will be able to have the same opportunity with your mom....chi

 

 

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[shayshay07]

Thanks everyone for the feedback...i dont know, i dont think we'll ever be close but i will have to figure out how to talk to her about crashing at my house when she has no intention of spending time with us.

 

Chitown i tried to imagine if i would feel different if we had a great relationship, i dont know but i think she would come to actually visit if we did...maybe do fun family things like the waterpark, museum, zoo, something. So yes i would probably look forward to it. But to be honest even then i would rather her plan her own sleeping arrangements rather than my living room couch. Space would still be an issue.

 

All my family lives out of state, and if they dont have a spare room, i get a hotel. If i cant afford a hotel, i dont go out of town. Thats just me. I would never even want to stay in someone's living room, repeatedly, especially if other people live there. For the record my mom lives alone, has 3 bedrooms, so there is extra space. And i still have never asked to stay there longer than 2 days.

 

Anyway, thanks for replying and sorry for any typos im posting from my phone.

[turnera]

its not that i dont trust her, we dont have a spare key. I have one, and my bf has one. We have different schedules. If i gave my mom mine that means i would be stuck in the house all day w my 2 yr old unless i want to be locked out.

Now, that's just silly. You can get a key made for $1 at every hardware store in America.

 

Just be honest. You want her to appreciate you, cos you're an adult and all, and she doesn't.

 

She doesn't because she RAISED you. You're still her kid, the one she had to punish, and give curfew to, and fix bloody knees for. She is not aware that you expect her to show you respect because you're her KID.

 

Now, as you get older, and she starts seeing the new adult in you, you will earn her respect, and she'll start treating you like the other adults she knows; for now, you're the kid she raised and she expects you to show HER respect by not deciding whether or not you will allow her to stay with you.

[shayshay07]

Turnera- you may be right about that. Since i am grown, and she is barely active in my life at all, its a problem if she cant respect me as an adult. Its not like she pays my bills or i live with her.

Not sure how not going to a hardware store and copying my key for her is a silly excuse. We rent and as far as i know are not supposed to make copies if keys besides those two that are provided by the leasing office. Now of course i COULD probably get a key copied without them knowing, but i never thought it was necessary to do that for a guest. But i see why that makes sense to do so.

[Seraphim]

Turnera- you may be right about that. Since i am grown, and she is barely active in my life at all, its a problem if she cant respect me as an adult. Its not like she pays my bills or i live with her.

Not sure how not going to a hardware store and copying my key for her is a silly excuse. We rent and as far as i know are not supposed to make copies if keys besides those two that are provided by the leasing office. Now of course i COULD probably get a key copied without them knowing, but i never thought it was necessary to do that for a guest. But i see why that makes sense to do so.

 

Getting another key would relieve your having to hang around. Where I am for now I rent too and I made a key for my son. I was not going to let him stand out in the rain or snow or burning heat or whatever in case I was not home when he got here. Giving her a key might relieve that annoyance.

[turnera]

You may be living on your own and paying your own bills, but that's not going to change the fact that when she looks at you, she sees her child. The one she fed, clothed, and had complete responsibility for . You don't just stop looking at your child that way. When I was 50, my mom still saw me that way, and I didn't see any reason to change that. People in their 20s are in such a hurry to be seen as adults, and rspected, and treated differently from how they were the first 25 years. I get it, I remember being that way. But I also remember resenting my mom at your age, as also is common. It took me a bit more living and maturing and experiencing to realize that a great benefit of being at the big people's table now is that I can now be my mom's friend, and not just her child. But it took ME letting go of what I thought I had to accomplish regarding her. She was the same all along; I just had to mature enough to realize it.