6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 BU 9weeks, full nc 1 week, after 6years together and 20 months LDR... I came back for good to her country 3 weeks after BU and found out she has GIGS/rebound guy (coworker). I unfriended her on FB 4 days ago but I can still see her profile with my dads FB account...even after I unfriended her, she still has our pics together on her profile and my comments on those photos... Last meeting she told me she was confused and did not know what to do with her life... She's going out a lot lately and she has not stopped to think about the end of our relationship and she has not done any healing so far.... I am now full NC and will maintain it for as long as I need so that I can move on... until I heal and feel strong enough to approach her if that's still what I want after healing... so, she basically knows nothing about me nowadays and will keep knowing nothing for the next months... why does she keep out pics untouched on FB? Link to comment
Kitkat973 Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 There could be any number of reasons. She might like some of them. She might not have bothered. She might not use facebook all that much. She might just not care about removing the pictures. Part of being NC is not following the person. You need to stop checking her facebook. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 She likes the photos She has bothered to post super sad songs on her wall She checks FB daily I will stop checking her FB Link to comment
ApocalypseDreams Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 Yeah man, I wouldn't read into it. Like Kitkat said, it could be any number of reasons and if you over analyze it you will drive yourself mad and not heal. It's not worth speculating. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Yeah I know...The same way Im always speculating about her Whatsapp status... it is driving me nuts... I managed to stop must of my urges to contact her constantly. How do I stop the urges to go on FB and Whatsapp? Link to comment
just not sure Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I know the feeling. Mine is keeping the engagement ring I told her to do whatever she wants with. The last valentines day card I gave her was still in her sock drawer. She doesn't ever wear my favorite dress. No mention of dealing with mutual accounts. What does it all mean? Maybe alot, maybe nothing. Honestly the only thing that matters is if you get a call from her saying she made a mistake. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 And I know I will get a call one day, since it was a clean BU, no arguing, mainly due to LDR and then "someone better came along".... She says she's not dating the guy, and that she is confused and doesnt know what to do with her life... Since our last meeting was a week ago, its all still too fresh and I my feelings towards her are like a roller coaster...Yesterday I was about to call her and tell her shes a * * * * * ...Today I am missing her so much and I feel like calling her just to go for an ice-cream (she would say yes... cos we are pon a "friendly" NC)... For how long will I have to do NC? How long till I just let her go completely, heal, and move on with my life (with or without her)? What if she calls me anytime soon? geeeez....I hate this uncertainty... Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I know people on FB who have new bf/gf's and STILL keep pictures of past exes. I find it a bit strange to be honest (for the new bf/gf). But to each their own. Link to comment
twistedfate Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I am in the same situation OP. Except my ex is a guy. He doesn't use facebook all that much, but he DOES generally remove pictures which he's posed with exes in. He removed all his wedding photos after his divorce and there aren't a lot of photos of him and his ex wife. So it kinda has me confused why he doesn't remove the photos of us in which he's tagged. Most of them are my photos. I only know he has them on his page still because he hasn't untagged them, I can't see his page anymore. I defriended. I try not to read into it too much, but it does make me wonder. If he was totally done with me, he'd take them down, I'd think. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 I try not to read into it too much, but it does make me wonder. If he was totally done with me, he'd take them down, I'd think. Unfortunately I am doing exactly the same reading as you are... If she was totally done with me, she would have take them down... I know I would. I unfriended her last Thursday from FB, 5 days after she told me that she was "confused and lost" while crying histerically and didnt know what to do with her life. That same night, she confessed that she had continued to hook up with a guy from her work over the last few weeks since the BU. So, she's not over me completely (not only bc of FB, but also because of the mess in her head), yet, she gets "confort" from her co-worker. This is only one more reason for me to continue NC, right? If I keep doing NC, I will heal faster, and also, I won't be playing any part in her "mental mess", since I am completely gone from the face of the earth. It sucks, because I do believe that we could work our problems and give a second chance to our relationship (since I DID come back to her country 3 weeks after she broke up saying that "the distance made it impossible for us to be a couple any longer)... In any case, since I found out that the distance was not the only reason, but also the appearance of the other guy, I am having so many contradictory thoughts (love and hate, I feel betrayed...), that I don't know what to do! NC seems to be the more logical step, since it will help me heal, and it will help her to deal with her "confusion" without me in her way... However, if I go NC for a long period (2 or 3 months), I know that she will never talk to me and say if she has already overcome that confusion (she has major communication issues)... I will have to assume that her future silence means that she's gone for good... But without some clear words of "Im not confused anymore, I dont want to be with you", I fear that I will be hoping for a long time, thus messing with my healing... Link to comment
holymoseph Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 6year, If you really find that you can't control the urges to check her FB then I'd ask your dad to change the password and explain why. Obviously he shouldn't tell you what it is. As for her not deleting them... well, she said it herself she's confused about her life (you were a BIG part of her life I'm sure some of the confusion is with you). I think people don't delete them because they aren't ready to let go completely. Espcially when it was a long relationship like your. I mean, I deleted my pics of me n' my ex about a week after because I didn't want the constant reminder when I was trying to get over him. A part of her isn't ready to let go yet. Thats not to say she wants to get back together or anything. It's just that in BU's truth is both parties battle with conflicting emotions. It's normal. Don't read to far into it. It doesn't change anything anyway. And NC is not just a tool it's a whole philosophy. You have to "clean house" my friend. Remove items that remind you of her out of sight and restrain from checking on them. It's futile and in fact it more often than none leaves us feeling worse. Good luck. Hope everyday gets better for you. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 Thnks for your reply holymoseph, Indeed, I already asked my sister to change my fathers pw, she will do it tonight. In any case, her confusion is normal, I know that...So, I just gotta let her go completely...is that it? It sounds ridiculous, cos she still has feelings for me, we could make it work...the main problem is taken out of the way: the Distance is gone! It feels like a complete waste of feelings and past not to give it a try... And I feel like due to her communication problems she will NEVER talk to me about anything of this... NC has been my philosophy for 8 days today...no reminders of her around me, except the FB thingie that will be solved tonight... Can NC actually work for her to "clear her mind" of any confusion and maybe one day try to reconnect with me? I know that is not the purpose of NC, but it can ALSO serve that purpose right? Link to comment
holymoseph Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 I think "letting go" gets a bad rap because we make the assumption that it is forever and were not allowed to let any feelings remain when that is just ridiculous to think that is even possible. Especially right away. Letting go is accepting that it out of your control how she feels and that your feelings alone can dictate rather or not you'll be together. It takes two people on the same note to decided to be together. You have to let go of the thought that she wants that because if she did, she'd be with you. Letting go= Accepting that your not together. So yes, you should let go completely. If she has problems communicating then there were unresolved problems in the relationship anyway. Good communication is ESSENTIAL for a good relationship. Don't dismiss this about her. You have to ask yourself, is this someone I would have wanted a forever with anyway? Because if communication problems went unresolved for 6 years I can't imagine they'd get better on their own. Maybe in the long run once You've cleared our mind you'll see the BU was for the best. It is not your responsibility to communicate for the both of you. This is her issue. Release yourself from accepting so much of the burden of her own issue. NC absolutely will help her "clear her mind" but that doesn't guarentee that she'll feel any different. She just might see it from another prespective. And it may reaffirm her decision. But either way it's effect on HER shouldn't be your concern. Keep focused on yourself. NC is to ensure your sanity and allow your to heal. Regardless if you two ever get back together you need this time to heal and clear your own mind. Link to comment
6yeardumped Posted July 10, 2011 Author Share Posted July 10, 2011 I think "letting go" gets a bad rap because we make the assumption that it is forever and were not allowed to let any feelings remain when that is just ridiculous to think that is even possible. Especially right away. Letting go is accepting that it out of your control how she feels and that your feelings alone can dictate rather or not you'll be together. It takes two people on the same note to decided to be together. You have to let go of the thought that she wants that because if she did, she'd be with you. Letting go= Accepting that your not together. So yes, you should let go completely. Indeed, I have always seen leeting go as = "never again we're gonna be together"...yet, life as proved me wrong once, in another relationship...when I finally managed to "let go" of my ex-ex, one year after BU, and started living my life happily, she came back! So, yes, I am now aware thanks to you that letting go is finally accepting that we are no longer together... I think I started to see that today actually...My urges to contact her to get information on her "state of mind" and "confusion" are fading away more and more... If she has problems communicating then there were unresolved problems in the relationship anyway. Good communication is ESSENTIAL for a good relationship. Don't dismiss this about her. You have to ask yourself, is this someone I would have wanted a forever with anyway? Because if communication problems went unresolved for 6 years I can't imagine they'd get better on their own. Maybe in the long run once You've cleared our mind you'll see the BU was for the best. It is not your responsibility to communicate for the both of you. This is her issue. Yes, she has had this problem even with her exbf before me...when they BU, he gave her a childs book on "Talking with your friends"...I think he was kindof mocking her...(she actually only told me this fact last weekend!) Well, I did not give her a book, but told her last week that I realised that her lack of communication skills played a great role on our BU - mainly because I changed country to be with her, and once I got here I realised that the distance was not the only reason for this BU, but also the fact that there was someone else in her life...I basically turned my life 180º and moved to a new country/job/house/friends (lack of) because of her bad communication skills. I think she is completely aware of her problem, because she said she felt "guilty" for the end of this relation, and also that she "has been thinking" about going to therapy. I have been in therapy for 1 month. I dont think she will go anytime soon, because now she is in the honeymoon stage with the other guy, and hasnt seen the red lights in her behaviour...once she does, she might follow her own advice and go to therapy, but I cant and wont even think about that, because now she means nothing in my life... And the communications problems we had...no doubt, they would stay there forever, given that if I couldnt help her with that problem over the last 6 years, most likely I could never help her anyway... So, yes, along with the fact that she had other problems, more and more I am seeing that we we're not meant to stay together...that the BU was the best path. But I am still in the attachment phase, (trying to let go, trying to sink in the idea that we are not a couple anymore, even after 2 months, trying to clear my mind...)...so thats why I had still been checking her FB, her whatsapp status, etc... Release yourself from accepting so much of the burden of her own issue. Yes, I think I have release myself from that issue...Though, our relationship DID have other issues, the ones I am now dealing with my therapist...You know what they say, a relationship never ends just because of one person... NC absolutely will help her "clear her mind" but that doesn't guarentee that she'll feel any different. She just might see it from another prespective. And it may reaffirm her decision. But either way it's effect on HER shouldn't be your concern. Exactly. I have been seeing NC as a double goal - either me getting over her, or she "missing me" and wanting to come back. Now I am seeing NC exclusively as a way for me getting over her. If it helps her clear her mind, AWESOME. Good for her. She will be happier like that, and so will I, because I do want all the best for her. Keep focused on yourself. NC is to ensure your sanity and allow your to heal. Yes, tomorrow therapy and starting gym! Also this week, Ill start swimming, buy a new motorcycle, and keep reading some very helpful books suggested by some members of ENA. Also, dedicate to my new job, focusing on starting new (much needed) friendships in this new city. Two days ago I made a document with my goals for the next 2-6 months. The first one is actually stop smoking! Today is my last day as a smoker!! (14 years after starting!) Regardless if you two ever get back together you need this time to heal and clear your own mind. Exactly! I need and will stop thinking completely about the ifs and maybes of the future. I need to focus on the now. And that's what I am doing. NOW! Thanks holymoseph! You gave a very useful insight of my own situation! Thanks a million! Link to comment
hopelessincan Posted July 10, 2011 Share Posted July 10, 2011 yeah...dont read anything into that at all. My ex ex never removed pics of he and I.....I only recently went and untagged myself (like a month or two ago) after being broken up close to two years.....facebook IS the devil Link to comment
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