Emotional Turmoil: Is He or Not?

[halcyon]

Once again, I would like to ask for the opinion and suggestions of everyone here in regards to a recent development. Your wise comments helped me laugh and make sense of a complicated situation before---hopefully second time is the charm. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

 

After several epic fail dates set up through an online dating site, I unexpectedly and finally connected with one whom I’ll refer to as X.

 

X and I have gone on several dates within the past week. While there are still some brief and awkward lulls in our conversations, we get along very well, share similar interests and worldviews concerning a variety of issues, and are affectionate with each other. We have not engaged in sex as we both made it clear to one another that we only have sex with people whom we had a true emotional connection with. While this rule has always been kept in place, we have done everything else in between. We have not acted like saints but we have acknowledged to each other we feel a connection.

 

My last two relationships ended on bad terms and coupled with my inexperience with online dating etiquette, I have become increasingly paranoid about any negative signs regarding X. After our last date on Tuesday, I noticed he stopped initiating text messaging which prompted me to follow up with him. I deliberately spaced out my messages over days and kept them brief so as not to disturb or overwhelm. I asked X out to dinner which he said he “might” be able to attend over the weekend. When I didn’t hear back from him today, I followed up again and discovered that he was busier than I had originally thought (he just had vacation this week). After a light-hearted conversation, I mentioned dinner once more which he agreed to and postponed for next week. Since this was done through texts, there was no way to discern his behavior or expression so I can’t tell you if he was happy or not but he used exclamation points if that counts at all? "Alright. Dinner sounds good!!!"

 

However, no specific date was set and I am concerned that this is an indication that he does not want to see me. As X works in the health care industry and I am employed in a firm, we both have demanding work schedules so I have tried to be flexible whenever possible. It should be noted that X is more spontaneous than I am whereas I tend to plan things out accordingly, given the time constraints that come with my job.

 

I have kept reviewing our last date and analyzed it with friends because that’s what girls do, yet I nor they cannot think of anything that happened to warrant him getting upset or be displeased.

 

Is he losing interest? Have I stepped out of bounds?

 

At the risk of sounding weak, I do not want my heart subjected to any more hell....:sad:

[mouseno4]

Without knowing the details i cannot tell you if you went out of bounds.

 

Likewise with interest. You did mention you both have busy work schedules which may coincide with this lack of communication - however, there is no black and white definitive answer as there simply isnt any evidence to support either side.

 

I would personally send him a text message simply asking him if everything was ok, and nothing more. If he responds with something like 'yeah of course everything is ok, is there something wrong' or similar words, then most likely he is busy in fact. Text is so emotionless we cannot use our body language or tone to determine another's emotional state.

[Kitkat973]

It could just be that he's honestly busy. It can be easy to get swamped with something, and that he's been replying to your texts is good.

 

I'd send him a text with 'let me know what your schedule looks like' or something similar to gauge interest/try to set a date.

[halcyon]

Without knowing the details i cannot tell you if you went out of bounds.

 

Likewise with interest. You did mention you both have busy work schedules which may coincide with this lack of communication - however, there is no black and white definitive answer as there simply isnt any evidence to support either side.

 

I would personally send him a text message simply asking him if everything was ok, and nothing more. If he responds with something like 'yeah of course everything is ok, is there something wrong' or similar words, then most likely he is busy in fact. Text is so emotionless we cannot use our body language or tone to determine another's emotional state.

 

Thank you for the suggestion, I really appreciate it.

 

I am not a text-person, I prefer phone calls but X is the opposite and I can see why since he works at a hospital during odd hours, a place where calls are more or less discouraged so texting is an easier form of communication. However I am not very good at detecting any subtle verbal nuances that could occur in texts so it can be frustrating for me when I try to "figure out what this means."

 

I have noticed that he has been less flirtatious in his text messages since the third date (we've been on four thus far) but he has consistently been affectionate whenever we meet and treated me very well. Should I trust his behavior more so than his words?

 

It could just be that he's honestly busy. It can be easy to get swamped with something, and that he's been replying to your texts is good.

 

I'd send him a text with 'let me know what your schedule looks like' or something similar to gauge interest/try to set a date.

 

I'll definitely try that after few more days pass. Normally, I like to maintain frequent correspondence with someone I am romantically interested in but X indicated that he is more sporadic in terms of communication so I have been trying to adjust myself to this. The last thing I want is for this guy to think I have no life or I am some toy he can play with at his whim.

 

Again, thank you

[danielle1973]

I always trust behavior over words. I'm dating a man who communicates only sporadically via text and his messages tend to be somewhat impersonal at times, but he is wonderfully communicative in person, and he wants to see me often. So I trust that

[halcyon]

I always trust behavior over words. I'm dating a man who communicates only sporadically via text and his messages tend to be somewhat impersonal at times, but he is wonderfully communicative in person, and he wants to see me often. So I trust that

 

I hope I can trust it.

 

I am just very paranoid about the situation and feel pretty depressed over the very real possibility that this guy was not as interested in me than I thought he was. He probably hates me. Alot.

[Ariel85]

I think he's definitely pulling back, or losing interest.

 

He's stopped initially contact, and you've asked him out a few times, and he's blown you off. His responses are no longer animated nor engaging.

 

I'd stop chasing him entirely and most definitely would not try to find another excuse to contact him. You've done enough.

 

And why would he hate you? That's low self-esteem talking.

[halcyon]

Yeah...I haven't been feeling so great lately due to other factors not related to this situation,so sorry about the self-deprecation.

 

He has been responding to all of my texts and was pretty enthusiastic about the dinner--but I think you are right in that he is pulling back. I have resolved myself to not contact him unless he sends me some form of communique that directly expresses his interest in going out. It's his turn and I cannot afford to waste more time on this kind of matter.

 

Rant: I really do hate the "game" aspect of dating. Why does everything have to be a game? A waiting game, a chasing game, a contact game---this freaking sucks. Ugh.

[Ariel85]

You won't get any argument on the game playing sucking, sister.

 

Here's a tip about understanding how men and women process dating differently. Women fall in love when they are with the guy - we thrive on the actual experience. Men fall in love during the spaces. Meaning, guys fall in love when they're apart from us.

 

Drop off his radar, and if he starts up pursuit again, then great, you'll know he's interested. And if not, there's your answer, too.