Initiating NC - is it OK?

[Snuggly]

7 months ago my husband left me after 12 years of marriage. It was a shock to me - he had never mentioned a problem, apparently just discussed it with his friends and presented it as a final decision.

 

I was just finishing medical school and he felt I didn't pay him enough attention. Soon after he started dating his wealthy boss and moved in with her.

 

He rings me/emails me multiple times a day, comes to visit and we now talk and have sex more than when we were married.

 

I can't do it anymore. I read about NC and decided to try. So I sent him this email:

 

I can't do it anymore. My heart lifts at the sound of your voice. It races at the sight of you and I melt at your touch. And then you are gone again. The pain has become unbearable. I ache for you. I realise now that you have made your choice, and it's not me. It breaks my heart. The pain is unbearable. I have realised that the only way I can heal and move on is to let you go.

 

I thought that maybe if the passion and friendship returned to our relationship, your love would too. But it didn't.

Maybe we can still be friends. Maybe we can catch up once a month or something for a chat. But to hear about your adventures with her, hear your wedding plans, hear about your new shiny wonderful life and how great it is without me, is hard for me. Maybe just too hard. It's just breaking my heart.

 

I hope you understand. It's not because I hate you. It's because I will love you til the day I die.

Goodbye

 

I am unsure if it was the right thing to do? Advice welcome

[dramallama]

He's cheating on you with her. I would have sent him a more blunt and simple email, but it's already sent now so all you can do is stick with NC.

 

But you did the right thing - in time your self esteem will come back. Delete and block him from facebook if you haven't done so already. If he is still with her then there is no reason for you two to be talking, because talk is cheap. Even if he was single, who is to say that he wouldn't leave you again? He has already shown that he is capable of cheating.

[Snuggly]

Thanks Dramalama. I just miss him so much, but I know he is not good for me.

[dramallama]

That's what NC is for. To give your heart a fighting chance of catching up with your head. In time you will see that it is the right decision. Take things one day at a time, and remind yourself that he has left you and he is with someone else now, and that you are not going to settle for breadcrumbs because you are worth more than that. Repeat that to yourself like a mantra every day.

[Snuggly]

Thats exactly what I feel like! He offers me crumbs when it suits him and I live for those moments. I can't do it anymore. I am smart, slim, attractive and kind. I am sure there must be someone out there who would appreciate that. Even alone I think I am better off. Your "Reasons why you shouldn't be friends/in contact with your ex" post was an inspiration to me, made me face some things that I had been ignoring. Just very hard....

[dramallama]

There is definitely someone out there who will appreciate you. However, you are going to blind to them even if they were right under your nose because you are focused on your ex. I know someone that let this go on for YEARS because she thought that if she walked on eggshells and made everything so conventient for him (sex, food, compliments, changing her personality for him) then he would "come to his senses" and come back. But he didn't. He is having his cake and eating it too (weird expression, but you know what I mean). It's keeping your self esteem down and it will continue to be held down because the message he is sending you every time you have sex or have ANY contact is, "you are good enough for a roll in the hay, but not good enough for me to commit to."

 

You are worth more than that, though. You aren't the first person to think that if you just make things easy, then your ex will come back. But the only thing it does is chip away at your self esteem until you say, "no more". The good news is that you won't be the first person to put up boundaries and gather the confidence to walk away. Once you start putting up boundaries and enforcing them - ignoring all calls and texts, NOT letting him inside your house if he turns up, walking away from him if he ambushes you in the street, then that's when you'll gain confidence and you will wonder why you even settled for the breadcrumbs that he's throwing your way.

 

The right road is usually the hardest road to take, but it will make you stronger in the end.

[Carus]

If he has moved in with this other girl and is talking marriage with her already, then you have 100% done the right thing....Amazing what lows we will sink to when in emotional turmoil*

 

So well done....Took me a whole year to stop picking up that phone and she is still with him 2+ years out now...So although we cannot know how these new relationships will turn out, we sure dont want to be around to hear about it...!

 

Chances are that if you CAN stick to strict NC he will start doubting the new RS and come sniffing around you again....but unfortunately it may just be a repeat of whats already been going on so please be careful....These kind of situations can drag on for years if you let it....please dont do that....Like Llama I too have a friend that has been caught in this vicious cycle for over 3 three years now!

 

Glad you found us Snuggly....I have sent you a PM*

 

Stay Strong

Carus* 8-)

[nattpanter]

Why don`t you ask his new woman kindly if she can help you with keeping him from contacting you every week? (seriously)

[Snuggly]

His new woman doesn't know he speaks to me several times a day, buys me presents, comes to see me. I can't tell her, that would be a betrayal. He did say the NC is ok, but he doesn't understand why. I'm going to see how it goes. Day 1 - fingers crossed! Dying to contact him, but controlling the urge

[delboi]

He does understand why, you've told him why, he just wants to make NC seem illogical so you dont go ahead with it and then he can carry on using you and his new woman.

 

He is probably struggling emotionally too, but he is getting the best of both worlds, it's good that your finally walking away now and you've told him how you feel which i found should remove some of the burden upon you.

 

Heres probably the best tip which i learned,from my ex's behaviour rather than mine during my BU, Don't get drunk!! Becuase then you will probably do something stupid, break NC, and invite him over, or if you manage to avoid all of those you will miss him about 10 times more the next day when your hungover. My ex would always break NC, initiated by me each time, when she was drunk. Luckily i never Broke NC first, but the alcohol would always make me miss her more the next day.

 

Your getting your dignity back by no contact, and the more you be strong and stick to it the more dignity you will get. Expect the urges to come into waves, and when you really cant resist, just know that the urge subsides : )

 

he will break NC anyway, you've just go to be strong and not reply.

[Kitkat973]

It's difficult to make a move like this, but you can't continue in the stasis you have been in, where you're constantly waiting and hoping for him to come back. You're right that he's made his choice, and if he decides later on that he'd rather be with you, so be it.

 

When it comes to being unable to tell her, though- honestly, for me, I would be unable to condone cheating like that. It's a complete betrayal of trust and it undermines any kind of relationship. I would be hesitant to want to be in a relationship with someone who could so easily leave and cheat.

[nattpanter]

His new woman doesn't know he speaks to me several times a day, buys me presents, comes to see me. I can't tell her, that would be a betrayal. He did say the NC is ok, but he doesn't understand why. I'm going to see how it goes. Day 1 - fingers crossed! Dying to contact him, but controlling the urge

 

It´s not betrayal to tell, it`s just that you are not over him so you want to protect him and your hope of getting back together...

[Carus]

Agreed.....You are on a slippery slope Snuggly*

 

8-)

[Snuggly]

Lol possibly! Actually I dislike her as she pursued him while we were married and was very rude to me the two times we met.

 

Not getting drunk is good advice. And yeah, you guys were right about him breaking NC. Since I told him and he agreed, I have been bombarded with emails and texts. W.T.F. I keep going and visiting friends to avoid answering. Ended up speaking to him "briefly" cause he sounded so sad, he was still on the phone 30 mins later. I really, really suck at this

[DaveCummings]

Snuggly,

 

It's been 7 months since you two have parted ways and you were married for 12 years? Sounds to me that you're actually doing pretty good to me. I wouldn't expect anyone in your situation to be fully on their feet yet and judging by how you speak of him, you reallly loved him. I have mixed feelings however about your ex husband. I mean he told you that he felt you weren't giving him enough attention and yet you were finishing Med school, something that takes a considerably amount of focus, dedication and hard work. Plus this woman he is with now, talking about marrying already?, is someone who has disrespected you in the past and that he's shown no inclination to stand up for you. So it leads me to believe that, without knowing everything in detail, he is a needy person who couldn't see the forest from the trees and took 12 years of your lives and decided it wasn't worth it.

 

I can understand the guy is shaken up over the fact you two were close and it seems to me he wanted that extra attention so he wouldn't feel like he wasn't important to you, but I think someone of your stature had it in her right to persue her career if not for both your sakes. I disagree wholeheartedly that you're "bad" at this as I couldn't imagine myself what it would be like to devote myself to someone for such an extended period of time only to deal with all of this, it would be quite taxing on anyone. I feel you are kind and of true spirit and you are trying to do what is best for yourself while in the same light trying to do what you feel is best for him. I just don't believe this guy had your best interests at heart and he showed that by going for this woman.

 

Pick yourself up as best as you can and try to continue to at the very least limit contact, distance yourself and try to create that separation so you can get the space you need. I feel he is taking advantage of your good nature by trying to imply you're not in need of doing this, but really this guy forced your hand didn't he. I wouldn't stop for a second to think that succumbing to his wishes is helping you at all and if anything it's proving otherwise. For your own sake, know that what you need to do for yourself you're really aware of and are just in crisis with executing. Don't worry, these things take time. I mean you can tell I can attest, albeit only somewhat, to what you're going through.

[Snuggly]

Thank you so much Dave, you are very kind. Yes, he was a bit mean, as you say, Med school is really hard and I thought I was doing something that was for all of us (I also have 3 kids). We had a deal that if he supported me through Med school, I would support him for the rest of his life and he could just do anything he wanted. And then he dumped me just before the final exams, leaving me a wreck. He still gave us money, so he didnt leave us in a financial mess, but he did make it hard for me. If he could have just waited, talked to me, tried I think it might have been possible to make it work.

 

But he was diagnosed with cancer. While it was almost certainly not fatal, it did really rock him. He was stunned by the threat of his own mortality. And he reassessed his life and wanted an adventure. And this other woman was it. His cancer now appears to be gone and he is just living in the suburbs with her. She broke up her family too to be with him. So two families were devastated and he's in much the same position. lol

 

I do still like him. He is a nice person. When my dog was dying last week, he left work and raced out to support me while we had him put down. But I have told him there is no chance, ever, under any circumstances of us getting back together. The betrayal was too great. Funnily enough, the infidelity upsets me less than the fact he never told me he was unhappy and never gave me a chance. It was just presented as a not-negotiable final decision. I probably should have noticed, but I was too focused on my study. It just really hurt that I didn't get a chance to make things right.

 

But I feel better as time goes on. I think I could consider dating in the near future. I wish I didn't still care about or miss him, but I do. But that gets less with time. He is a very needy person and I don't think any one person will ever be capable of giving him all the attention he needs. I would really like a partner who was a bit more equal, a bit more capable of standing on his own feet. We will wait and see how it goes Not in a rush

 

Thanks again for your kindness, it makes me happy

[Hellhath]

Funnily enough, the infidelity upsets me less than the fact he never told me he was unhappy and never gave me a chance. It was just presented as a not-negotiable final decision. I probably should have noticed, but I was too focused on my study. It just really hurt that I didn't get a chance to make things right.

 

They are both betrayals of trust. That the silent resentments and allowing issues to go unchallenged should be a greater hurt isn't surprising to me. The infidelity was just the final stroke of the symphony. As to whether it is ok to go initiate NC. Putting up healthy boundaries to heal and protect yourself is ALWAYS ok.