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OCD and domestic violence


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Hi this is my first time on here. Last night I found myself in a situation of throwing things fast into my parent's

trailer with two police officers standing by on guard.


He has OCD.


When he first told me about it, I was pretty calm because I also have two friends who I know have been diagnosed with it.


I had known this man for 12 years before we dated and it wasn't until after sleeping together that he told me. He also lost a parent at the age of 9 in a horrible accident which he was involved in and never had councelling for that.


He insisted that taking medication made him ok, so I was fine with it. But after we moved in together his OCD got worse. I understood that the change would be very hard for him but it turned into a situation where he was pick pick picking on everything I did. We would fight, he would call me really awful names. No argument was ever laid to rest. he would put me down and make double edged comments constantly even though I asked him not too. This was a man who needed control to function and I wasn't always able to comply.


With love and time I was able to support him while he kicked bad behaviours (smoking, drinking) because he had weight issues and health issues, and getting exersise seemed to help. But over the past month, its as if the medication stopped working (or he stopped taking it)


He'd look at me, and tell me I was sick in the head, there was something wrong with me, I was the cause of his stress. He'd tell me I was from the gutter (as if he was so much better than me) and just regularly attack me. If things were going smoothly he'd always find a way to I think the word is destabilise things, and sometimes If I brought this up the shutters would just go down.


He loved when he was generous, it made him feel good, and he'd reassert that he was a great guy. But if I actually needed something, he was always very reluctant and unwilling. It had to be his choice.


Anyway, for the last week we had been bickering, and his attacks were making me very nervous. We had been sleeping in separate beds (we actually had two rooms because he liked a place for all of his things) Looking back now it feels like we had separate lives. Two rooms, two separate benches in the bathroom, there was a lot of segregation between us.


Because his verbal attacks had gotten stronger and more relentless. I locked the bedroom door where my things were (there was nothing of his in there, it was the only room in the house where my 'touch' had occurred.

By the time I had gotten home, he'd locked me out of the house, broken in the bedroom window, read and stolen my diary, accused me of having 'emotional affairs' and threw a full bag of fruit at my head.


So in came the cops and the trailer.


the thing with someone who has ocd is that everything I did was always a problem. I'd bite my tongue not to offend him and he'd say 'stop sky-eyeing me' I'd walk away from a fight and he'd just keep trying to bait me in some way. And so what I'd do, to vent all my frustration and anger was write it down and close the book. You can imagine the stuff I was writing!! There were times when I wondered what if I'd stayed with that other bloke, or I wonder what my ex is doing, or is the fact that he earns a lot really worth putting up with this crap, But that was my coping mechanism, thats how I got through some really rough days with him. and now he's thrown me out, is holding my diary to ransom, accusing me of all sorts of things, and I'm in my mother's spare room.


I had asked for councelling, asked him several times to go to the GP and have the medication reviewed (5 years on the same dose) I could see him sliding.


But when he got it in his head that he was righteous, that was it, no room for me, my thoughts, my feelings or opinions. I asked him a few days ago why he hadn't made the councelling appointment (I'd done all the research, all he had to do was pick one)


I felt so small in that relationship. Its worn my self esteem to nothing, and I've come out of it with no closure because in his eyes I'm never right.


I'm not a very clingy woman, my ex husband was a polishman who liked the vodka and when that became an issue I left. I thought when I met this man I'd broken the cycle. Three generations of women in my family have now suffered domestic violence. I'm going to have councelling after I find a place to live, one thing at a time, but I feel really ...bad. He moved his job and house to be with me and to have it go this bad this quick makes me think I must have a massive role to play.


I have a degree in Social Science and I cant seem to see these things coming. I have no idea what to do now, I'm lucky i have a good job, I'm scared he will do something awful with my personal information. I haven't even got all my things out of the house yet.


The question is, why is it that sticking up for myself and telling people I don't like being bullied, and that behaviour is not funny or acceptable, why, when you tell your partner this that they get worse?


I don't know how many times I just asked him to be kind.


Is power an addiction? Is it just OCD, is there something else that could be going on?


The way he lied to the police about stealing my diary when he'd run around telling me he'd read it and hidden it, made me sick to the stomach. the way he smashed up gifts I'd bought him, made me realise I was not dealing with someone who had all of their * * * * together.


I'm a massive mixture of anger, sadness, pain. I have an urge to go back that I know I have to ignore and at the same time I hate him, and pity him and its one big messy head I have at the moment.


Two bad relationships in a row and a lifetime of training... I can see what domestic violence is, I know when I'm in it, but I never see it coming. Why?

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You sound like a highly intelligent strong woman. You will be fine, you will break this cycle. Trust me. I know. I've been there. The cycle can be broken.


You ask how someone with a lifetime of training can get caught up in this? Easy. There is no handbook on real life. We can't learn certain things from textbooks, we must experience them to gain true understanding.


This experience, no matter how painful, has the potential to make you a better person. Just stay away from him no matter how much your heart screams to go back.

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OCD has nothing to do with belittling someone. People who have OCD sometimes have different rituals involving cleaning, or having to do things in a certain order. It is not a diagnosis that is related to violence or abuse in of itself. Maybe someone with OCD might be rigid about others performing a certain behavior and if unchecked they can sound like they are nagging, but it doesn't translate to one's whole life and other topics necessarily, and would NOT translate into calling someone names. I think you are trying to use a diagnosis to 'explain' his behavior towards you or justify it. I think that's the issue. And btw, I think you are drawn to men that you can help "fix". You mentioned yourself that you have "helped" him kick certain behaviors. Its good to see potential but it makes you blind towards reality.

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I agree that OCD isn't something that you attribute his actions to.


I also think that it's dangerous to lie someone's actions at the foot of a disorder and dismiss them thusly. Actions are actions, and when you're evaluating a relationship, you need to do it by the reality of it. You can't tie up everything that was bad, put it down to something, and convince yourself that you have to ignore it because it wasn't the person's fault.


I'm not trying to say that people with mental disorders do things deliberately (it'd be rather hypocritical of me)- rather, that when you're in the position of being in a relationship with a person, you have to look at the entire relationship and decide if it's something you can deal with.

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I did research a bit when he first told me he had a more 'obsessional' form because I was wondering for my own benefit what i could do to avoid triggering it and to assess my role, if it was something I could cope with etc. (Another friend of mine manifests it quite differently to the partner so I did ask what the review process was like etc.) Anyway, as it happened his 'thing' was to ruminate on thought, then externalise (blame) so once he had a reason/justification, the stress would ease. At some point, the reason became me. Which is where controling me seemed to kick in. But the less I did 'wrong' the more stressed he got, because he was so convinced! So yes, i do think the ocd played a part. he may well be a narcissist with ocd!

But for my part, i bit my tongue a lot, and that didnt help because his need to know what I was thinking seemed so great. But like all people. Sometimes i get frustrated and bite my lip, rather than offend, and it grated him if i didnt fully express. So he would push push push buttons to try and get what he thought were 'true' thoughts out. I would save it for my diary. That was my. outlet. Thats how i manage me. Unfortunately he read it and got a barage of those ugly thoughts in one hit and he exploded. And I didn't get a chance to explain it before being pelted with stuff in the kitchen. I only write when I'm angry, not on good days, so its skewed. But What really wore me down was the constant explaining of everything to ease him. The pandering was exhausting. Fixer? Na, people usually do or dont want to fix themselves in some way. My main hope was to see him at ease, because without panic, he was warm and colourful, and quirky and interesting. It's why i fell in love with him. But he chose not to seek help, chose to make me miserable, and I chose not to stay. But when he made positive choices, of course i supported that: I was his partner!! Exersise made him feel better 'great, go for it!' Quitting smoking and drinking was hard, but he wanted that, because he seemed to want us. The issue, I think, sometimes, is as a sort of 'self healer' he said he didn't know how to help me. I loved him, of course I wanted to support him on his quest to be at ease. And when he was, i was very happy with that. but in the end, I was rarely happy because im not superwoman. occasionally i need a little support and love and a cuddle and an 'everything will be ok' as well.


But if I had stress - well it was a competition

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  • 8 months later...

Hi, I knew a guy almost like this. and he has OCD too.

I Think it does effect on his behavior, just like you said. IT does cause violence and those verbal abusive. he talking exactly like you said. Always think he is right, Im wrong. but he is not serious like your date... and he knows his problems. we didn't start dating, we both know that we couldn't date each other, bc he knows he gonna hurt me. But I'm agree with you , IT effects.

anyway, Moving forward!!!

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