My ex and I are friends - his girlfriend hates it

[ur02111222]

So the problem is exactly what is in the subject.

 

I was in a relationship with M for a year. It ended when I transferred schools and moved several hours away. We had a good relationship and loved each other then, and still do now on some level I suppose. Anyway, we've maintained a friendship for the past two years.

 

After waiting roughly a year, we both started new relationships around the same time last fall. My then-boyfriend knew that I was friends with M and wasn't going to end the friendship. I was honest with him from the start.

 

Recently M just stopped talking to me. I finally got in touch with him and laid in on him. "Are you ignoring me?" "Yes." "Why?" "My girlfriend doesn't like me talking to other girls." "So she forbade you from speaking to me? Since when?" "Since she found out you are an ex." "You never told her???" (I was somewhat surprised. I'd assumed he told her since he's been talking to me the entire 8-9 months they've been seeing each other.) "No, she found out though." "So what? She won't let you speak to me?" "No." "Wow. She's a little controlling, don't you think?" "Maybe, yeah."

 

I told him I was frustrated. I didn't ditch my friendship with him for my most recent boyfriend, nor would I ever do that. I value him too much.

 

 

The conversation ended and he called me back 20 minutes later saying that he could talk to me now. She had said it was okay when she realized how upset he was about this. He made excuses for her. "She has low self-esteem. She thinks I'm going to leave her. She thinks she's not good enough. She's uncomfortable with us talking."

 

It just seems so silly though. I live several hours away. We don't even physically see each other nowadays. It's phone conversations generally. I'm an ex-girlfriend. From years ago. What's she so afraid of? That he's going to up and leave and move out of state to see me??? It would never happen.

 

 

I guess I don't know if I am even here asking anything, because I recognize how ridiculous this whole situation is. It just doesn't seem like a big deal to me to talk to an ex. I don't see why she's so freaked out. I'm not a threat. I live pretty far away. And I'm an ex for a reason.

 

If I knew he were genuinely in love with her, and stopping contact with me would make their relationship better, then I would do it. But he's not. He told me he's not, unless something changed in the last 2 months. So I suppose I'm not willing to let go of his and my friendship relationship for some girl he's not in love with, and said he couldn't see him self ever being in love with.

 

 

 

 

Ever been in this situation? It's just so...dumb. It seems so obvious to me that forbidding someone from speaking to certain people only works when you are actually around, because the moment you leave, they will call up the other person in secret. Which he does and apparently has been doing since last fall. And I won't lie, but that makes me feel bad, like I'm a dirty little secret, and I shouldn't have to be.

[Snowy]

You could never see this as a problem from your point of view.

 

But you gotta think about it from her point of view.

 

SHE doesn't know if there's anything going on between you and your ex.

 

SHE can't possible know exactly what's going on.

 

She obviously is a bit insecure, but that's understandable.

 

This is just my opinion.

[ur02111222]

Yeah, I see how it's hard for me to see it as a problem from her point of view. I'm not as insecure I suppose. I've dated guys with friends who are exes. It might have annoyed me, but I never forbade them from speaking to their friends.

 

I tried to think about it from her point of view. And I think if I were her, I'd prefer that that his ex (me) lives hours away and that they (we) don't have in-person contact these days, which is how it is.

 

 

I'm just frustrated. I'm not trying to cause a problem in his relationship with her. I'm trying to keep my friendship with him, that I've had for years before she ever came into the picture.

[catcountry]

I think it might be wise to try to initiate a friendship with the GF. She needs to know that there is nothing but a platonic relationship. Maybe she can then accept you then there will be no problem. I can see both sides here...

[ur02111222]

I think it might be wise to try to initiate a friendship with the GF. She needs to know that there is nothing but a platonic relationship. Maybe she can then accept you then there will be no problem. I can see both sides here...

 

I think actually talking to me might just make her more jealous, since he described her as a jealous and insecure type. It doesn't seem like it would make things better.

 

And I don't think he would like that either, to be honest.

[JerkBrokeMe]

Yeah, I see how it's hard for me to see it as a problem from her point of view. I'm not as insecure I suppose. I've dated guys with friends who are exes. It might have annoyed me, but I never forbade them from speaking to their friends.

 

I tried to think about it from her point of view. And I think if I were her, I'd prefer that that his ex (me) lives hours away and that they (we) don't have in-person contact these days, which is how it is.

 

 

I'm just frustrated. I'm not trying to cause a problem in his relationship with her. I'm trying to keep my friendship with him, that I've had for years before she ever came into the picture.

 

I can see it completely from her point of view. And even though you're hours away there can still be an emotional affair. I was in your position once. I got back in touch with someone I had been best friends with. We had been completely obsessed with eachother for years but never actually dated and eventually lost touch. But then we found eachother again. About 3 years had passed and we were both in serious relationships. His gf forbade him from talking to me because I guess he had mentioned me so much in the time we had lost touch. He got in a huge fight with her and stood his ground basically saying I had been there before her and would be there after.

 

My point is she had every reason to be upset despite us being about 600 miles apart because he would do some heavy flirting with me (and yes I would tell him it was inappropriate..and the next day I'd have to tell my bf about it so I didn't feel like *I* was hiding anything). Almost every phone call ended up like this. I'm not saying your relationship with your ex is like this but the new gf has no way of knowing. Have you tried talking to her personally..just to get acquainted? It might help her feel more secure.

[Snny]

He didn't tell her that he was in contact with an ex. She had to find out. She has every right to think something is suspicious.

 

You really can't blame her. This whole situation could of been avoided if he was honest with he from the very beginning just as you were with your current boyfriend. Right now, just back off from him until things settle (hopefully) or you will be seen as a homewrecker. Your ex need to fix this issue out himself. This is one of the reasons why it's hard to maintain a friendship with a former lover because their SO may not agree with the relationship at all.

[ur02111222]

He didn't tell her that he was in contact with an ex. She had to find out. She has every right to think something is suspicious.

 

You really can't blame her. This whole situation could of been avoided if he was honest with he from the very beginning just as you were with your current boyfriend. Right now, just back off from him until things settle (hopefully) or you will be seen as a homewrecker. Your ex need to fix this issue out himself. This is one of the reasons why it's hard to maintain a friendship with a former lover because their SO may not agree with the relationship at all.

 

Yeah, that is what I will do. At least for a couple of weeks so that things can cool down.

[DN]

What would you have done if your new boyfriend had reacted in much the same way as she did?

[ur02111222]

What would you have done if your new boyfriend had reacted in much the same way as she did?

 

Honestly? I would have told him it's not negotiable. I'm friends with M. And that's how it is. I told the most recent boyfriend from the start. If he hadn't been okay with it, then I suppose he's not someone I would have wanted to date.

 

My point is that M and I have a relationship that goes back years. I wouldn't give it up for a guy I had just started dating. Just like I wouldn't give up any other friendship.

[DN]

And had your new boyfriend said in that case he was going to leave you?

 

Read the hundreds of posts on here from people who also have a similar outlook as this woman. Why do they fear their partners having a relationship with the ex? Because they also read the hundreds of posts from people who say "my boyfriend/girlfriend left me to go back with their ex". So their fears are not groundless. They feel that if you want to be freinds with an ex you must still have feelings for them that go beyond mere friendship.

 

It's easy to say you would dump a guy who didn't want you to be friends with your ex - but for many people that isn't so easy, especially if they see a future with the new person and have already developed feelings for them they haven't experienced with anyone else. So if the choice is between an ex that you don't see very often and a present partner that you see a loving future with - the choice isn't so hard for them, they choose the future instead of the past.

 

I do understand your position but I don't think you understand theirs.

[Kitkat973]

It's easy to place the blame on his girlfriend in this situation, but one thing you have to remember is that he's the one choosing to cede to her demands.

[pinkelephant]

I'm the gf that told my bf to chose between his ex and me. There were a series of event that has led to that ultimatum and one of them was lying. He didn't lie about talking to her, but he lied about going on a trip with her. They both swear it is fully platonic, yet he hid it from me.

 

His reasoning is, I would've gotten upset. Your ex bf's reasoning for not telling his current gf is likely to be the same. But neither of them looked at themselves. Why would the gf be upset? It's not because she's "insecure" or "has low self-esteem", it's because these guys put their ex before their girlfriend.

 

They lied. For a year.

That's not something small.

Would you not be furious if someone lied to your FACE for a year?

 

Unless he does something drastic, the gf will mot likely leave him. If you were a good friend, you'd tell him that so he could maybe save his relationship.

[ur02111222]

I spoke him earlier. I thought about it a lot last night and told him we should consider going NC permanently because I don't want to be a cause for him to fight with any gf in the future. But I said if we do it, we're going to completely cut contact. No phones, no texting, no FB, etc. Maybe that's more for my sake than his. Losing friends hurts, and I don't see any other way that I could handle it.

[DN]

I spoke him earlier. I thought about it a lot last night and told him we should consider going NC permanently because I don't want to be a cause for him to fight with any gf in the future. But I said if we do it, we're going to completely cut contact. No phones, no texting, no FB, etc. Maybe that's more for my sake than his. Losing friends hurts, and I don't see any other way that I could handle it.

Are you sure this is not a passive-aggressive method of making him choose between you and his girlfriend?

 

Going NC because it hurts to do otherwise is something one usually does with a former lover not with a friend. It my be you are more invested emotionally with this guy than you think.

[Ms Darcy]

He didn't tell her that he was in contact with an ex. She had to find out. She has every right to think something is suspicious.

 

You really can't blame her. This whole situation could of been avoided if he was honest with he from the very beginning just as you were with your current boyfriend. Right now, just back off from him until things settle (hopefully) or you will be seen as a homewrecker. Your ex need to fix this issue out himself. This is one of the reasons why it's hard to maintain a friendship with a former lover because their SO may not agree with the relationship at all.

 

Right on. I think this girl is getting the "insecure" label unfairly. He lied to her ... and yes lies by omission are still lies. He was not open with her and she had to find out on her own. And people go back to exes quite a bit so it is a valid concern - as DN mentioned.

 

I would respect a guy who says upfront I am friends with my ex - take it or leave it. Then I would leave it. Too often there are feelings on one or both sides and I don't want to have to wonder. He never gave her that option.

 

Are you sure this is not a passive-aggressive method of making him choose between you and his girlfriend?

 

Going NC because it hurts to do otherwise is something one usually does with a former lover not with a friend. It my be you are more invested emotionally with this guy than you think.

 

I agree. You are sounding Pass-Agg here. It's pushing him to choose.

[DN]

I mentioned that people have a basis for being wary of ex-boyfriend/girlfriends and here is a case in point:

[Snny]

I spoke him earlier. I thought about it a lot last night and told him we should consider going NC permanently because I don't want to be a cause for him to fight with any gf in the future. But I said if we do it, we're going to completely cut contact. No phones, no texting, no FB, etc. Maybe that's more for my sake than his. Losing friends hurts, and I don't see any other way that I could handle it.

 

No offense, but you now made it worse. A friendship could be savaged, which was why I suggested backing off until your ex has fixed things with his current girlfriend and let him contact YOU. Yea... the girlfriend is going to be pissed at him AND you because he was hiding his contact with you, but there was still a chance for this issue to be worked out and for her to possibly trust you if you want to maintain a friendship with him. Unfortunately, you blew it up by choosing an extreme decision and now he's stuck in choosing between his current girlfriend or his ex. That wasn't very nice thing to do, especially if he considers you still his friend. This whole misunderstanding could of been fixed, but now you look like the bad guy here

[greywolf]

Honestly, his relationship with his gf isn't really any of your business. If she doesn't want him talking to you, and he is agreeable to that, then it isn't right to force him into a decision. It's his relationship and he has every right to seek his own happiness.

 

I would also be furious if I found out my partner had kept secrets from me for that long. It's not cool.