For those who have reconciled...

[aev]

...what was your mental journey like, from day one of the breakup right through to the day you and your partner decided to work things out? And after you both decided to work on things, when did you realize that things were going to be okay?

 

I'm a new poster, but I've been hovering around these boards for a few weeks now, looking at all the different stories and perspectives. To all of those well-meaning individuals who will respond with "an ex is an ex for a reason," "I never look back after a breakup," "reconciliation never happens," or any other tired cliches, this may not be the thread for you. None of us here are so delusional that we believe 100% of couples reconcile and live happily ever after. Likewise, I'm not interested in "the game" of getting them back, or the "tricks" or whatever ill-begotten manipulations people buy from cheesy eBooks as viable options of "getting their ex back." IMHO, if you think you can "make an ex come back" you are far from ready from a healthy partnership.

 

Reconciliations do happen, and I am curious to understand what the journey was like for those individuals who have stuck around these boards, despite being happily back with the person they love.

 

Some questions:

 

On what terms did you break up?

 

Did you always hope for reconciliation? Or did you let hope die along the way?

 

How did you go about letting go and moving on?

 

What were those months post-breakup like for you? Did you think about your former partner constantly, or did they fade to the back of your mind?

 

How did you feel 3 weeks, 3 months, 1 year, etc post-breakup?

 

Do you feel you spent that time bettering yourself?

 

Relationships break up for a reason. How did you and your partner go about assessing why yours broke up, and what did you do to make sure those issues didn't come up again?

 

How did you reinitiate contact?

 

How did you realize that you both could trust that the necessary changes had been made?

 

Did you take things slowly, or jump right back in?

 

And anything else you'd like to share...

 

There are so many amazing stories hidden on these boards between the negativity and pessimism. I'm curious what you all have to share - there are so many lessons we can learn from all the individual journeys experienced by others here, even if our own stories doesn't end in reconciliation.

[confused2012]

Mine just happened. I didn't follow all of the NC advice strictly but stayed very LC and the breakup was only around 3 weeks in length. I was the dumpee and I initiated a meeting request which led to a reconciliation agreement. I went into the meeting with low expectations. We're not out of the woods completely but headed in the right direction. My story:

 

 

 

Many people here have said to let a lot of time pass (e.g. 6 months to a year) and stay NC. In my case it I think it worked because I DIDN'T let a lot of time pass before we revisted our true feelings together. 3 weeks was time for her to realize how much she missed me around, but not enough time for either of us to have our hopes start to fade away which I think worked to both of ours advantage.

[scotsguy]

On what terms did you break up?

 

She broke up with me: loved me but no longer in love. We had been going out for almost 4 years. Within a month she was dating someone else.

 

Did you always hope for reconciliation? Or did you let hope die along the way?

 

I held out hope for a long time. It started to fade after about 7-8 months. I think eventually you realise that enough is enough and realistically it is over. A vague hope was always there though I think. More like, it would be nice if we gave it another shot one day but I'm also happy if I meet someone else.

 

How did you go about letting go and moving on?

 

No contact as far as possible. For months the only contact we had was when she initiated, and even then I mostly did not respond. I hung out with friends a lot more, especially female friends. I wasn't interested in dating at that point but I still had a lot of fun just hanging out. On occasions I could go for a whole evening without thinking about her. I set aside times that I was allowed to think about her and the break-up. Usually when I was lying in bed before going to sleep - that put a limit on how long I would thinking about, as eventually I would fall asleep without realising. It hurt to think about things like this, but it got easier with time and I think it was necessary in order to truly evaulate what had happened and allow myself to move on. I always used to tell myself this: if things were so good with her, then how much better they will be with someone else who is truly committed to me. There are billions of people in the world and I will find the perfect one for me.

 

What were those months post-breakup like for you? Did you think about your former partner constantly, or did they fade to the back of your mind?

 

Difficult. The first couple of months were dark. In fact we had a holiday booked together about a month after the BU, which we decided to go ahead with since it was already paid for. In hindsight going through with that is my biggest regret. It was pure torture and there is no way I would do it again.

 

I thought about her a lot for a long time. Like the first thing I thought of when I woke up and the last thing before I fell asleep. At some point I realised that I wasn't thinking about her all the time anymore, but I couldn't say exactly when that happened. I guess it tied in approximately with the fading of hope for reconciliation. And I remember telling myself that 2011 was going to be an amazing year and at the end of 2010 I would absolutely put all of the past behind me and be completely happy with myself and in myself. That would have been about 10 months after the BU, and I was on course for that.

 

How did you feel 3 weeks, 3 months, 1 year, etc post-breakup?

 

3 weeks - crap.

3 months - crap, but realising that I wasn't going to pick up all the crumbs she threw my way. She didn't deserve me anymore and I knew I would get over it eventually.

1 year - never got that far.

 

Do you feel you spent that time bettering yourself?

 

Yes. After the first few months I made a conscious effort to catch up with friends I hadn't seen in years and actively make new friends (two of whom are now good friends who I can talk about anything). I spent more time with my family and put effort into developing new personal skills and hobbies. I've always enjoyed cooking, baking and photography and I spent my time (and money!) on improving my skills in these areas. I also took up a martial arts class, joined the gym and took on a technical role in an amateur theatre production.

 

How did you reinitiate contact?

 

I didn't, she did. There was never complete NC, but like I said all the contact was initiated by her with me only responding if I thought it absolutely necessary (yes there were times that were necessary!) But the real contact came just before the end of 2010 (just in time, if you read my resolution above). She called and wanted to meet. I refused but she persisted and eventually I agreed to meet, with the intention of reiterating my request for her to not contact me. When we met she laid out her feelings quite openly and and made it clear she wanted another chance.

 

Relationships break up for a reason. How did you and your partner go about assessing why yours broke up, and what did you do to make sure those issues didn't come up again?

 

We discussed at length what happened and we both agreed there were specific reasons for the BU that we would have to avoid in the future if reconciliation was going to be successful.

 

How did you realize that you both could trust that the necessary changes had been made?

 

Did you take things slowly, or jump right back in?

 

We didn't know at first. We took things very slowly. In fact I asked that we wait several months to make sure her feelings were genuine. Also so I could digest what she was telling me and attempt to figure out if I thought it was worth giving it another shot. We stayed in loose contact during this time and gradually it became clear that we had both changed and for the better, but deep down we were the same people we had fallen in love with originally. We decided to go for it and get back together officially about a month and a half ago. Even since then we've taken it slow and made sure to avoid the mistakes of before.

 

And anything else you'd like to share...

 

I genuinely thought it was over forever. I'm very happy to be back together with her, but I'm keeping both eyes open. It's different to the first time round. Not better, not worse, just different.

 

Hope that helps somebody

[nattpanter]

I think the most important thing is to understand that we don`t control all the things we want to control, or think we can control...like another persons feelings for us... I haven`t reconciled with anyone but my exes have contacted me after 3-12 months after the breakup (me as dumpee) The one after 3 months was not serious about things in the end, but it happened just when I was about to gain my strength back. The one after 12 months was totally crushed after I said I had moved on a long time ago. I can`t explain it, but it seems to me like there is some kind of radar out there that the dumper pick up on, bc it looks like it always happends when the dumpee is back on it`s feet again... I`ve carried on a hope for 3-4 years sometimes... But the hope is based on the past. More like a hope that everything could be as they used to be, and not so much future-oriented.

 

I let go by time...it´s like trying to reach a moutain-top and you are really tired and exhausted, but you just put on the auto-pilot and let your feet work on it`s own. Then at some point when you don`t foucs on the distance or the time to get there, you are suddenly there. It takes dicipline in my opinion. Ive had the most hard time letting go when I feel the breakup is unclear, or silent-treatment-ish...

 

As a dumpee I would take it slow, but not holding back on the progress even so... I mean, in the end, if you are over-protective and to scared of being hurt then you should probably stay home avoid everyone. It`s a chance you take on letting someone back into your life, but there was always a chance to get hurt when you met too was it not? It`s normal to be scared and all that, but I think you should be open about it and say that "I need to know alot of things about how you feel and think in order to create something new with you" It`s totally cool to show your emotions and that you are vulnerable to this person, but keep it dignified. You must signal without putting it straight that you are not a person who will accept being messed with, but still am open to put your heart into someone elses hands. It`s not easy I know...

[Chuck Bartowsk]

AEV - Thanks for asking those questions. Those were in my head but did not know how to word them.

 

Scotsguy - Thanks for the answers. I appreciate you sharing your experiences with all of us. That was truly inspiring.

[Batya33]

[what was your mental journey like, from day one of the breakup right through to the day you and your partner decided to work things out? And after you both decided to work on things, when did you realize that things were going to be okay?

We reconciled 8 years after breaking up. We both moved on fairly quickly after the break up in part because it took a long time to break up. I was very upset and sad when we broke up -I asked for a second chance a month later - the answer was no. We never really decided to work on things because we got back together because we had grown and changed so much. I think I realized that things were going to work out this time fairly early on after we reconciled. Deciding to reconcile was a very emotional experience for me because even after 8 years, I still remembered what it was like to separate.

 

Reconciliations do happen, and I am curious to understand what the journey was like for those individuals who have stuck around these boards, despite being happily back with the person they love.

 

Some questions:

 

On what terms did you break up?

We broke up on fairly amicable terms.

 

Did you always hope for reconciliation? Or did you let hope die along the way?

[B] After he declined to give me a second chance I thought there was no chance of us ever reconciling.[/b]

 

How did you go about letting go and moving on?

I jumped right into another relationship.

 

What were those months post-breakup like for you? Did you think about your former partner constantly, or did they fade to the back of your mind?

 

[B] I did think of him constantly but I was also involved with someone new.[/b]

 

How did you feel 3 weeks, 3 months, 1 year, etc post-breakup?

3 weeks later I wanted him back very badly. By some months later I had accepted that we weren't right for each other.

 

Do you feel you spent that time bettering yourself?

I think I spent that time getting to know myself more and I definitely improved my friendship skills and grew in self-confidence.

 

Relationships break up for a reason. How did you and your partner go about assessing why yours broke up, and what did you do to make sure those issues didn't come up again?

We decided that we had changed a lot, that we were more mature and ready to be together long term. Some of the issues were very unlikely to recur because we had changed so much. I simply think that we were so deeply committed to each other this time around that we were up for the challenge.

 

How did you reinitiate contact?

We were in sporadic touch by e-mail a few times a year. I'm not sure who called who 6 years ago to get together for a friendly catch up dinner - I think it was him but I'm not really sure.

 

How did you realize that you both could trust that the necessary changes had been made?

 

Some of it was blind faith and some of it was just seeing right before my eyes how much each of us had changed over the 8 years.

 

Did you take things slowly, or jump right back in?

We spent three weeks seeing each other three times platonically and then he asked me if I wanted to get back together. When I said yes we jumped right back in.

And anything else you'd like to share...

Getting back together with my now husband was one of the biggest surprises of my life. We've been married 2 years now and have a little boy and from the first time we told our parents we were getting back together -and our extended families and friends all were thrilled despite the messy break up years ago. Sure there've been some challenging times but I don't think any have to do with the issues we had the first time around.

[BONO]

Touching .

[tacs1895]

Touching .

 

Agreed. Nice thread, thoughtful questions and responses.

[professorplum]

Yes. An interesting and thought provoking thread which triggers past memories.

[mhowe]

Just passed the 3 month mark on reconciliation...

 

Ex asked for "time" between Xmas and NY, but had been distancing himself for most of Dec. Went NC after short conversation in which I clarified some things (and was not given the full truth) --- I had hopes for recon but after 2 months began to feel it wouldn't happen. At 3.5 months, had pretty much let go of belief that we would have a future, and ex called and them came over and spent 3.5 hrs telling me how much he loved me, missed me and wanted me in his future.

Acknowledged that his behavior was immature and had caused me pain and apologized for hurting me.

 

We didn't/haven't jumped totally back in -- while the intimacy and connection is back, and he has professed his love --- I tend to be more "actions speak louder than words" --- so we are moving forward slowly. However, the time we spend together is phenomenal, so hopefully, as this plays out, we will find a way to spend more of it together.

[aev]

So I'm going to bump this, because there's a lot of really interesting information in this thread, and I'm sure there are more who can contribute to it!

[mhowe]

Have just passed the 5 month mark of reconciliation, and things could not be better. We are much better at communicating --- relationship issues, frustrations and just life in general. The feeling of being careful or worried seems to be receeding, and we are even talking about "the rest of our lives"! As we are both 50, there isn't a need or rush for marriage (not sure we would), but there is such a feeling of commitment, it is indescribable.

 

For those in the process, my only advice is to be patient and compassionate ---

[scotsguy]

Oh dear I started reading this thread, got to post #3 and thought it sounded very similar to my own story. Oops. If anyone is interested, I can offer a brief update. We are still together (though long distance now temporarily) and approaching our 4 month 'anniversary'. Still very happy and making more plans for the future. As always taking things as they come but I'd say we are very committed to each other and really want things to work out between us long term.