...What am I supposed to do?

[Stampedingwolf]

Sometimes I find myself noticing how different I am from everybody else. Not to say that everyone is the same, but... I've noticed that the things people enjoy, especially young men my age, are things that I can't seem to enjoy at all. I'm about to turn 20 in September. I have a very small group of friends that I associate with, but I really wouldn't label them as "friends" as much as associates. Of course, they like to party, drink, say and do stupid things, and of course hit on girls. I just don't see how they can do it so easily and enjoy it as much as they do. I don't find any enjoyment in it at all. It's almost as if what seems perfectly normal to them, feels entirely awkward to me. Lately, I've decided to stop going to their get togethers. Now that I think about it, I've never really been happy in years...I can't remember the last time I was truly happy. I'd like to say it was when I was about 12-13 years old. I've noticed that every day I get up, I have no real drive to do anything I would actually like to do. Things I once enjoyed have become dull; Drawing no longer entertains me, and the video games aren't even fun anymore. I feel like I'm empty, as if there's something missing in life, like there's a void somewhere inside of me.

 

...I think that missing space might be a woman.

 

...But there's a problem. I'm anti-social; Whether I decide to go outside and walk around, or go to the store to look at something, I can't seem to force myself to talk to people I don't know. I'd like to find someone my age, but like my "associates", they're not like me. I also have this overwhelming fear of almost anything; I'm often too afraid to even drive around town. It's as if the world feels completely unknown to me. I always find myself in the same place I started; here in my apartment just staring at the wall, wondering if things will ever change. I know that if you want something to change, you have to take action to make it happen...but when you don't have the willpower to force yourself into a very uncomfortable situation, it's almost like you can't really help to do anything to change things. Sometimes I wonder if I'm just weak, and I don't have the strength. Is my life going to be like this forever? Sometimes I feel like I'm losing my mind. Life seems void without having someone to share it with.

[joswsieg]

I would recommend going to speak with a therapist. I have been going for 2 months now and it works wonders. A trained professional can help you understand why you feel the way you do and how to help you solve your issues. Trust me. It works.

A woman will not solve all your problems though. You really do have to be content and happy with yourself before you can be happy with anyone else.

[Stampedingwolf]

I don't know if that will work or not...My brother is going into a school to be an occupational therapist, if that counts for something...he's about to go to the best school in the nation for that field, and not even he can help me right now. I usually tell him about my problems, but he always tells me that I have these reasons for feeling the way I do, and I just can't believe him...It almost sounds ridiculous to me. I don't even know how to find one or where to look if I tried, and I'm afraid that it's going to cost me a malevolent amount of money.

[Stampedingwolf]

...Another thing is...I can't seem to force myself to just walk up to somebody out of the blue when they're unaware of my presence and say hello to them and initiate a conversation. It seems too awkward for me to do that.

[jlb1018]

I too suffer from the lack of the social gene. I hve no friends and the only social action I get is with my wife. What I would suggest is put your self in situations that force you to be social. Im not against therapy but I have always wondered how reading something in a book can give you the insight to help me, unless you have gone thru it as well , DO YOU REALLY KNOW HOW I FEEL

[penelope13]

is it possible that you are depressed?; i.e. the depression is clouding your perception and judgement: as you said, everything seems to be dull and grey. Nothing seems to have any appeal. Any kind of suggestion people may offer, you have an argument why it may not work or why you don't want to try it.

 

just because you don't understand how therapy works or how someone can learn to help other by 'reading books', doesn't mean it's not working - it has worked for many, many, many people.

 

if your brother is studying something related to therapy, I am sure he would be able to find you a counselor - you just have to ask him.

 

Don't dismiss any avenue how you might achieve change, if you haven't actually tried it.

[Stampedingwolf]

I've been depressed for a long time...probably since I was 12 years old. I'm also afraid of many things...simple things like driving, and going to the doctor, needles...I'm even afraid of paperwork because I'm afraid I might make a mistake on it. Sometimes I wonder if I'm not paranoid or bipolar, because I seem to get upset easily...So easily, that if I make one simple mistake, as helping someone at work lift a heavy piece of furniture and not handle it or understand what they say correctly, I feel really bad about one simple mistake I make.

[Stampedingwolf]

...Actually, part of the reason why he wants to go into occupational therapy is because I have autism, and he wants to help people who are like me. I don't like to think of myself as autistic, because it implies that something is terribly wrong with me; It also sounds like an excuse for some of my mistakes and faults, and I don't want people to think that I blame every one of my problems on that.