Should I leave or should I stay

[aloneandlost]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and never posted anything before so bear with me please. I need your help, I am in a very hard situation and been like this for 6 months now. I need to make a decision but can't seem to bring myself to do it. It's a long story so sorry to bother you with details but you have to know everything to understand the situation.

 

I am 23 years old and have been with my bf for 7 years. I was 16 when I met him and he was 25. I met him at my first summer job. He was a very sweet guy and everyone said how nice he was for me although I didn't fancy him. He was and still is very persuasive and somehow, even not fancing him, I agreed to date him. We have been together ever since, he was my first and only bf.

 

2 years after we started dating my parents moved to France and I was left alone taking care of my younger brother, UNI and weekend job. The idea of having my bf helping me out on this made us decide to move in together. I was 18. One year later he decides he wants to move to England cause he hated his job (we are from Portugal) and his future there wasn't great. I decided to leave UNI and come to England with him. We found good jobs where we had to speak portuguese and decided to buy a house. Last year, both having good jobs and bought a house, we had been together for 6 years, I thought we should have a baby. I mean my relationship was getting boring, I would never go out because he didn't like, I never did anything a girl my age would do so I thought I should start living as an older person and this was the right step. Thank God, I didn't get pregnant.

 

So far, I had left my friends and gave up my dream of graduating to be with him. Sounds romantic but it was the dumbest thing ever. I was too young, I didn't live my life, I never did anything I wanted to do or liked doing. I would get upset sometimes thinking about this but then I would think about him and how nice he is that I would try to compensate my feelings with other things. But that's the problem, he is nice. Too nice. He never treated me bad, he always said for me to do things, I was the one who decided not to cause I was in a relationship and we should do everything together.

 

I met a guy 6 months ago. This guy made me feel things I never felt for my bf. I didn't cheat on him but I sure as well wanted to. This whole situation made me rethink my life and I thought and think I am missing out on something. I mean my bf is great. He is the sweetest. Although I don't fancy him and I don't know if I ever did. The spark is not there. And I want to live my life. I'm 23. I'm too young to be living like this.

 

My problem is we have a house together and he loves me. And I can't bear the thought of hurting him. I have tried breaking up with him before and he is aware of the situation now (not the whole picture though) but he knows I'm not happy, but he still tries to make me stay and everytime he tries I give in and we stay. This is not healthy though, neither for me nor him. But how do I know if I'm making the right decision? How do I know if I really don't love him anymore or if this is just a phase? We will have to try and sell the house which won't be easy, everything we have together, how do we deal with all this? Should I just try to love him and stay cause that sounds like the easiest solution? What if I leave and I end up alone? Or with a jerk? And I don't have many friends here....

 

I'm sorry for the long story and I appreciate all your honesty. I know I'm probably being selfish but I honestly don't know what to do. It also seems as if he prefers to have me like this than to not have me at all. Thanks for reading.

[Mellie]

Unfortunately, none of us know the future, that's why fortune tellers make so much money Whose to know if you will be better off staying or going? I will say in my life, there are things I wish I had done, but the things I have done that may not have been the smartest I've learned to live with. That's how I became the person I am now, and I'm ok with that person.

 

No one can tell you whether to stay or to go. I know exactly what you mean about the spark not being there in the beginning, but you trying to persuade yourself you're in love with someone. I did that. I left in the end. It wasn't fair to either of us. You shouldn't stay with anyone out of guilt or pity. That's not healthy for either of you.

 

On the other hand, a friend of mine gave me some advice on picking a future husband. She said pick a bald one with pot belly. He'll treat you nice, and eventually, that's the way they all go It sounds logical, but I don't think so

 

A different relationship I had from when I was 17 to almost 9 years later was with a guy I did really have a spark with. But he was abusive, so that killed that. I know that's completely different to your circumstance but what I'm trying to say is, I know that when you start a relationship that young and it goes on so long, you really know nothing else. So the fear of walking away is immense, but you kind of know when to call it a day. If you can't bear to be around him, rather than not bearing to be apart, then that's a good indicator.

 

Or it could be you thinking that the grass is greener - I can understand why you're hesitant. You really need to take a long hard look at it to make your mind up. The best way to do that is from a distance, not pretending everything's normal and just carrying on. Can't you go back to Portugual for a while or stay with your parents? The distance will give you perspective.

[Aims7]

I lost the love of my life by staying with someone so not to hurt them. My life lesson is never ever to do that again. If it is not right you will know in your heart and if it's not right don't waste your life due to hurting someone else because in the long run it is only yourself who will hurt.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Anytime there is a "should I leave my partner because I don't love him/her" story here on ENA, there is usually some other love interest involved. It never seems to be about leaving because the relationship is just not right..it is always about meeting someone else and basically wanting to jump ship to try another relationship. That has bad idea written all over it. If you want to exit this relationship do it so you can actually start being more independent and living for yourself rather than just going along with whatever the guy wants to do. However, I have a feeling that if you exit this relationship, you will simply just immediately jump into a new relationship with either this new guy or with another guy and start living the same life you had with this current guy except it will be with someone else. What you really need is time on your own away from relationships so that you can grow as an independent person who has her own mind and pursues her own interests so that in your next relationship you will be your own person.

[aloneandlost]

Hi all

 

Thank you so much for your advice.

 

Mellie, you're right when you say i'm scared because I don't know anything else and the feeling that the grass is greener on the other side is there and this might not be true but I will never know if I stay.

 

Aims7, I am scared to hurt him but I won't stay with him out of pity. I'm just not sure whether I really love him or not.

 

Crazyaboutdogs, I totally understand what you're saying and I really appreciate your honesty, you have seen through me. that is what I had wanted when I met this new guy but I don't even talk to him anymore. I will not jump onto another relationship straight away. If I do leave, I want to get to know myself and enjoy life.

[catfeeder]

I've always found it helpful to remove elements of gambling from a decision making process, and this strips things down to what I CAN control to some degree. In this case, I'd drop ideas of trading in BF for a better model and just focus on whether the relationship itself is satisfying or whether I'd be better off charting my own course.

 

This doesn't relegate the experience of forming crush on new guy as meaningless. I like to think I'm capable of using every encounter as a teaching device. I've interpreted crushes as my cues that my current relationship doesn't represent for me what I believe that the right relationship can be for me someday. So while I wouldn't run off and pursue the crush, I'd safely consider my new information as my lesson learned about where I stand on the merits of my current relationship.

 

From there, I get to decide if living solo is a better course. It's not about men, and it's not about taking on responsibility for my current lover--he's a grown man and capable of running his own life. For me it would strictly be about me. That's why nobody else can answer this for you. We can only suggest which criteria may actually be useful to such a decision, and which are less so to your bigger picture.

 

Envision your bigger picture solo, and decide whether it's a reasonable and valid goal. If so, then anything else you hold up to make it complicated is an unnecessary barrier.

[Danny77]

I think the new guy is not the reason you may want out, it is the feelings you felt when meeting him.

They've reminded you that you can feel like this and now you want more, you want to live a life right!

 

We all know that you could leave this guy and get hit by a bus tomorrow, or stay and have an airplane fall on your head.

Nobody knows the future so you don't have to worry about making the "wrong" decision in times like these.

 

I honestly feel that if you are questioning wether or not to leave then you are accross the border to leaving anyway.

I remember a time where I didn't listen to my gut feelings and ended up going down a road that lasted a year and hurt me very very much.

It was full of roses and the acommpanying thorns.

 

I agree with CATFEEDER that if you strip away the gamble elements to your dilema then you are left with a simpler answer.

unfortunately, it is still based on future aspects and can't be judged.

 

I would try to close my eyes.

Sit in a quiet place and breath slowly.

Think about your whole life and the things you want in it. (The one life you have BTW)

Think about how staying on this track with this guy will or will not help you to attain those goals.

Don't think about how not having him will affect you as again, its all unknown.

The only thing you do know (to a degree) is life WITH him, so you can base a prediction on its future.

 

If after a solid half hour of uninterupted thought you feel that the unknown is your choice then I advise you to meet with him straight away and tell him that you wish to leave.

If however you feel that you can achieve your dreams with him then make that decision to commit fully and understand that you are going to have these thoughts pop in and out of your head all the time, as long as you are with him.

But now you are going to ignore them as you don't believe they are true.

 

That's really all you can do hun!

 

Some people say "better the devil you know than the devil you don't know" but I disagree.

IMO I like the unknown if I'm not happy with what I know.

 

 

Do let me know via PM how you're feeling as I am very interested in you and your situation.

[aloneandlost]

Hi Danny77

 

I don't know how to send PM here so I'll reply here. First of all thank you for your interest. Your answer is very helpful and to be honest I think my heart has already left the relationship it's only my head that's here thinking about whether I should listen to my heart. I dream of getting married and having children one day and that I could do with him eventually. It's the between that I can't. I wish I had met him later in my life. Right now I want to make friends, go out without having to give explanations, have time for me that I NEVER had. My life before him was totally devoted to my mother as she needed me. So I never had time to do something for me. To be honest part of the reason I want to leave is to get to know me, to find out what I like and what I want out of life as now I can't answer these simple questions. I want freedom, something I never had. The problem is not entirely him, although I don't feel attracted to him and that has turned out to be a big issue for me lately, I think the main problem is my heart screaming to be free and so I am not devoted to this relationship anymore.

 

I think it's time for me to go I just need to find the strength to do it.....

[Mellie]

This doesn't relegate the experience of forming crush on new guy as meaningless. I like to think I'm capable of using every encounter as a teaching device. I've interpreted crushes as my cues that my current relationship doesn't represent for me what I believe that the right relationship can be for me someday. So while I wouldn't run off and pursue the crush, I'd safely consider my new information as my lesson learned about where I stand on the merits of my current relationship.

 

Really agree with this.

[Danny77]

Every day you hold on knowing you want out is another day you are hurting him.

You need to be honest with him so as he can begin to start his life too.

 

Really try and do the right thing and have "the talk" with him as soon as poss.

 

[catfeeder]

Every day you hold on knowing you want out is another day you are hurting him.

You need to be honest with him so as he can begin to start his life too.

 

Really try and do the right thing and have "the talk" with him as soon as poss.

 

 

Here's the thing about 'the talk' that sabotages people trying to break up with a live-in partner--the habit of seeking a consensus. We become so accustomed to partnership that we try to negotiate an agreement on every issue.

 

A breakup is non-negotiable.

 

Your partner will not necessarily agree to break up. The key to remember is that you don't require any reasons that are acceptable to a partner or anyone else, and you don't require 'permission' to end a relationship. From anyone. Period.

 

Sure, the fallout requires negotiation. All the 'stuff' that surrounds your lives needs to be sorted out afterward, but that's not the same thing holding yourself to an expectation that a partner will voluntarily offer you an easy slip to freedom. Nobody does a breakup 'well'. Hurt feelings and anger and resistance are natural reactions, and if you attempt to go out a hero, you won't get out.

 

Head high, and we're here for you.

[aloneandlost]

Your partner will not necessarily agree to break up. The key to remember is that you don't require any reasons that are acceptable to a partner or anyone else, and you don't require 'permission' to end a relationship. From anyone. Period.

 

That is so true. We have broken up before and we even slept in separate bedrooms for a week. But then I got weak and we talked and because he kept 'invalidating' the reasons I was giving him I decided to give it another try. And I regretted it the moment I did it. You're right, I don't have to give out any reasons but I wanted him to understand to try and ease his pain but I guess that won't happen. It will be very hard. I don't know that many people and I certainly don't have that many friends and the ones I have are common to us so it will be very hard and lonely for me. But I guess I have to do it...

 

Thank you for your kind words catfeeder. It's nice to know people care

[catfeeder]

[…] You're right, I don't have to give out any reasons but I wanted him to understand to try and ease his pain but I guess that won't happen.

 

It's not that you don't owe him any reason whatsoever, it's just not your job to stick around and play therapist to 'help' him understand it. He's got his entire future to work that out--it's part of healing, and every adult is responsible for doing that on their own. His initial reaction is natural because it's not in his best interest to give you any reassurance that he'll be okay. But you're not responsible for making him okay--you're only responsible for not ripping him off or saying deliberately hurtful things when you leave.

 

You've already demo'd that the more he resists, the longer you'll stay to cater to that. So don't expect him to behave any differently, and don't initiate a breakup unless and until you're packed up and ready to exit the scene for a time. Then you can work out the rest, unless you're concerned that he won't give you access the rest of your belongings. In that case, moving yourself out when he's not there and leaving 'the talk' for his return is a reasonable option.

 

It will be very hard. I don't know that many people and I certainly don't have that many friends and the ones I have are common to us so it will be very hard and lonely for me. But I guess I have to do it...

 

You'll need to learn how to cultivate friendships of your own regardless of whether you stay or go. If staying has presented a barrier to that, then what should that tell you?

[Danny77]

The talk is never permission?

 

Its about the right thing.

Giving closure and letting them know why.

It's about tying up loose ends or making arrangements to do so.

It's about one last goodbye and amicable departures.

They will not agree, but it's not about that.

You're not making a decision, you've made it. Now you're just letting them know.

 

The ol CATFEEDER's got a point in the way that you will have to be firm and not expect to leave "the hero".

 

Rarely does it work out perfectly but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try.

[aloneandlost]

You're not making a decision, you've made it. Now you're just letting them know.

 

The ol CATFEEDER's got a point in the way that you will have to be firm and not expect to leave "the hero".

.

 

In no way I'm trying to be the hero. Yes I have made my decision but he always has a way of twisting my words and I end up not breaking up and making this situation run longer than it should. I have been trying to explain why and he just doesn't understand it so no matter what I say the outcome will always be the same. He will always be hurt and he will never understand why and unless I adopt a more defensive position this could go on forever.

 

I know it will be pretty hard for me too and I guess I'm being selfish in the way I would love for him to understand and accept cause that would make my life easier. But that's not going to happen and I need to be prepared for that. I mean how can I hurt someone I have loved for 7 years? Someone who has been there for me when I needed? Someone who never did anything to hurt me. He's not perfect but no one is. I just don't know where to start.... I'm not sure what to tell him either. I don't want to hurt his self-esteem so there are things I can't say...

 

I can't thank you enough for all your support. It really has helped me. I hope he'll be ok...

[Danny77]

Good luck.

Nobody knows your relationship as well as you so I'm sure you'll do the right thing.