Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 First off, I'm the cheater. This is complicated but I have no one else to talk to. No excuses for my behavior. I cheated on my wife of nine years with a younger co-worker. I know, I know. I'm the no good, lying, cheating, dirtbag. Not to make excuses and keep this somewhat short, here's what happened. We got married young. Maybe a little to young. We were high school sweethearts. Neither of us really dated other people before we met. After nine years things have gotten a little stale. We've had problems and tried to work them out. I've had many chances to cheat before and never did or even wanted to. I have a very stressful and very high adrenaline job. Compared to work, home life was a little boring. And then "Jane" came into my life six months ago. We work together. She was new and 13 years younger and drop dead gorgeous (I know, typical male pig observations). We both had an instant attraction and shared alot of unique qualities. It started out as talking. She had just been divorced for under a year and new in town. She didn't have any friends and wanted me to come over and watch a movie. Nothing was planned. She wore pajamas and no make up, not trying to seduce me at all. During the movie we just looked at each other and raised an eyebrow. Next thing u know, we were doing it. Here's where it gets interesting. We've been seeing each other for six months. We are both in love with each other and have said and shown it. We bother never expected it or actually wanted it. But it is what it is. We make each other happy. We have discussed my getting a divorce and being together. No one has an inkling that we are together. Now she has cold feet. She's very mature for her age but, she's only 23. She married her high school sweetheart too. She says she wants to experience dating and life before making another major decision. She wants me to wait for her. She says that she just wants to know what it's like to go out and have fun. No hookups or anything just a few dates. She had a pretty crappy childhood and got married young to get away from things. If I was single, there's no way I would stick around as someones backup or safety net while they went off to have fun. However, I am married. It's not like I would be sitting by myself waiting for her to call. I do love my wife but am no longer in love with her. I know it's not fair to her to not tell her or stay with her. I am thoroughly confused on what to do. "Jane" and I still see each other and act as if nothings changed. She has gone out on two dates but texts me the entire time. I guess I just wanted to vent because I have told no one what's going on. But any advice is appreciated. And yes I know I'm gonna catch the slings and arrows. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 1. Pyjamas are a seduction - unless they're really old ratty ones. I would never wear my pyjamas in front of male friends. 2. She was new in town, recently divorced and lonely. You came along and pretty much were a cure all for her problems. I'm sorry, but she will not be in love with you for long once she gets settled, meets some friends and meets some men. 3. No, it's not fair, but neither is having an affair and using your wife to keep you company while your younger woman "experiences life". You need to tell her and leave her. No if's and or buts. There's not really anything complicated about this situation at all. It's really all pretty obvious. Link to comment
littlestar Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 And where does your wife fit into all this? Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 They were old ratty pajamas. She has been asked out by a lot of guys but wasn't interested in any of them. And yes I agree I should tell her. Not trying to argue. Just clarifying. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 And where does your wife fit into all this? Alone one way or another. Sounds harsh but its not working and we both know it. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 If I was single, there's no way I would stick around as someones backup or safety net while they went off to have fun. However, I am married. It's not like I would be sitting by myself waiting for her to call. So, in other words, you want your cake and eat it too. You are quite happy to have a bit of fluff on the side while staying married. While things are "boring" at home, you can run off anytime the urge takes you to go and have some excitement and fun, while your "boring wife" sits at home. Can one say SELFISH and SELF ABSORBED? How about you put some focus back into your boring marriage and make an effort to find the spark again? How about marriage counselling? My guess it's too much effort and not as much fun as your little bit of fluff on the side, right? Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Sounds harsh but its not working and we both know it. In that case, get a divorce so that you are free to mess around as much as you want to. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 She has been asked out by a lot of guys but wasn't interested in any of them. She says that she just wants to know what it's like to go out and have fun. She doesn't know what she wants. Asking you to wait while she checks out the field is pretty selfish though (ignoring the situation). Maybe you should take this time to end your marriage. See how she reacts when you've actually left your wife. That should tell you a lot about where she actually see's things going. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 In that case, get a divorce so that you are free to mess around as much as you want to. I'm not proud of it. We have tried counseling and no luck. I've put a lot of effort into my marriage. Honestly it did start out as something fun on the side. But it's not fluff. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 She doesn't know what she wants. Asking you to wait while she checks out the field is pretty selfish though (ignoring the situation) Maybe you should take this time to end your marriage. See how she reacts when you've actually left your wife. That should tell you a lot about where she actually see's things going. Good point and I agree. I just thought it a little unfair to say she was being selfish when I was going home to someone else. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 We have tried counseling and no luck. Like I said before, in that case, get a divorce. If you've tried counselling and it didn't work, what's stopping you taking the next obvious step? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Good point and I agree. I just thought it a little unfair to say she was being selfish when I was going home to someone else. To your wife who you are not happy with? That's so far from the same thing. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Idk if this changes anything. Wrong is wrong. But I didnt want to mess around and have fun. I've had chances but never thought about it. We are both cops and the whole reason we started talking is because we were both shot at and talked about it. Kind of made an instant bond. Idk how to explain it. Link to comment
Capricorn3 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 Idk if this changes anything. No, it doesn't change a thing. It is what it is. You are cheating. Not happy with your wife or marriage. Again, why don't you get a divorce? Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Like I said before, in that case, get a divorce. If you've tried counselling and it didn't work, what's stopping you taking the next obvious step? A divorce is coming. I'm afraid of how my wife will be on her own. She has a career and everything but has no clue how to take care of herself. Link to comment
Snowy Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 She says she wants to experience dating and life before making another major decision. She wants me to wait for her. She says that she just wants to know what it's like to go out and have fun. No hookups or anything just a few dates. She had a pretty crappy childhood and got married young to get away from things. This is pretty much just bullcrap. How do you know if she won't run off with some other guy who is richer, more handsome than you? I feel pretty bad for your wife. Do you have any kids? 9 years, no kids? Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 She's a grown up, she'll learn. Fact is, your wife is already on her own, she just doesn't know it. Link to comment
agent1607307371 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 We are both cops and the whole reason we started talking is because we were both shot at and talked about it. Kind of made an instant bond. Idk how to explain it. Actually, this is interesting. I wonder if the whole thing isn't coming from a "OMG WE'RE ALIVE!" reaction. Going through experiences like that can create a pretty quick, if artificial, bond. Also, I would separate the issues: look at your divorce as separate from your relationship with the ow. I've been assuming that there are no children involved. Is that correct? Link to comment
dramallama Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I'm not proud of it. We have tried counseling and no luck. I've put a lot of effort into my marriage. Honestly it did start out as something fun on the side. But it's not fluff. If it's not fluff and if counselling isn't working, why didn't you end things BEFORE cheating on your wife? If you cared about her at all, even as a person, you would have ended things out of respect to her. Link to comment
lizzie2011 Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 lmao. Ok so here you are, married man and all, worried because the woman you are cheating with won't make a commitment to you. First up she probably chose you because you are unavailable and she is not ready to tie herself down again. Who can blame her if she is already divorced at 23. She does not know what she wants and is in the process of growing and changing. Second, it sounds like you are jumping out of the pot and into the fire. You said your marriage isn't working because you got married young and you work in a high adrenaline job so your home life is boring. What you fail to acknowledge is that this young girl will grow and change just like your wife. Once you get to know her she will be just as boring to you as your wife. Get the pic? The real problem here is you. You are the problem in your marriage and you are the problem in your affair. you have really unrealistic expectations from the women in your life. I think before counseling as couple you should consider individual counseling Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 This is pretty much just bullcrap. How do you know if she won't run off with some other guy who is richer, more handsome than you? I feel pretty bad for your wife. Do you have any kids? 9 years, no kids? I feel bad for my wife too. Nope. No kids. Neither of us really wanted any. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Actually, this is interesting. I wonder if the whole thing isn't coming from a "OMG WE'RE ALIVE!" reaction. Going through experiences like that can create a pretty quick, if artificial, bond. Also, I would separate the issues: look at your divorce as separate from your relationship with the ow. I've been assuming that there are no children involved. Is that correct? No. No children. I have separated the issue. That's kinda the whole problem. I know what to do about my wife. Tell her everything and get a divorce. It's the other issue I was trying to get advice on. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 If it's not fluff and if counselling isn't working, why didn't you end things BEFORE cheating on your wife? If you cared about her at all, even as a person, you would have ended things out of respect to her. It's not like a light switch went off in my head and I just decided one day I wanted a divorce. It's been a long gradual thing. I dint know if that's normal. Does a person just wake up one day and decide it's over? I do care about her. I know I deserve all the hating for cheating and I can take it, I'm just looking for advice on the other situation. Link to comment
Complicated44 Posted July 9, 2011 Author Share Posted July 9, 2011 Yep, you hit the nail right on the head. She did get involved with me because I was unavailable. I don't mean to sound crass and blame my wife for our problems. She's not happy either. I used to be boring too. I have changed over the years. That's a whole other debate for another forum. I acknowledge that I am to blame. The young girl may change with time but so may I. Who knows. But she is more like me. The only thing I expect from the women in my life is for them to be happy with me. Link to comment
HeartGoesOn Posted July 9, 2011 Share Posted July 9, 2011 I predict that when all is said and done, you'll lose both of them, and it's you that will be left holding the bag. Link to comment
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