Should I stay or should I go?

[fourty6and2]

Here goes my story, and I'm curious what opinions others have.

I'm in a relationship with someone from my hometown. We used to go to parties 15 years ago with the same people(2-3 yrs older than me) but never really talked much. I was the youngest in the group, no one really payed much attention to me. This guy was the friend of my sister's boyfriend and one day when the four of us were hanging out, he kissed me and we made out(no sex). I did not feel attracted to him but I liked the way he touched me. I was wondering what if he wanted to be my boyfriend(i think I was 15 then). We did not talk after that. It did make me feel a little upset but i got over it quickly. Life went on...I moved to an other city and 15 years later here I am confirming his friendship on facebook. After a couple of years he started sending me all kinds of links with cool stuff but It did not occur to me he liked me. After a while I found out he is living not too far away from where I was.He invited me to go see a concert and i said yes. There was an event we met at, along with some other people from the same group and kinda felt he liked me. I went to the concert he invited me to anyway... and stayed at his place. He told me he likes me very much and i kinda needed sex at that time so things led to sex. We spent that weekend having sex, sleep, having sex again. I thought this is going to be just a one time sex thing....but he said he does not want this to be a one night stand(one weekend stand that is...) i have to addmit i cannot have sex with someone i don't care about.So i did have some feelings and they started to grow. We met a couple of more weekends and we drove back and forth to see each other.After a while when I was driving to see him i felt kinda hollow. I did have better sex before, and I think that was because I felt kinda infatuated with the previous guy(who was a jerk btw). My heart was not racing and I was not waiting to meet him....I felt really bad when I realized this but I had to tell him. We had no contact for 2 months but I told him when we broke up that I still want us to be able to be friends. He contacted me after the 2 months and said it's cool to be friends. We met again at an other event and long story short, he confessed me that he loves me like he never loved anyone before.That I am very special to him.I said i cared about him(and i really do)I like the way he is and how he thinks, but i told him i was not in love.We did meke out tho...I couldn't resist butI resisted having sex, even if i needed it sooo bad...

I did not meet anyone who treated me as well as him and I am still single. I don't want to hurt him more but I am willing to continue to be with him.

So what do you think of this situation?

[TwelveThirty]

There's a lot going on. So let me ask you one important question: do you know what you want? Because there's so much going on I can understand why it's hard for you to figure this out...

This guy must be completely confused about you, or he's leading you big time into trouble because he's good at handling the game. But not that much out of control either, right, since you're not that badly into him...

In the end, I think this relationship is actually all about sex. And well, from what I read, maybe should you just go along with it! He agreed to be no more than friends... so just be friends with benefits!

[Crazyaboutdogs]

He is interested in you...and you are not interested in him but will go along with it anyway because you like having someone around who dotes on you and wants you. If you look at my signature below, that is indication of what I think about setups like this. I think it is wrong to take advantage of someone's feelings and go along with it when you don't reciprocate those feelings.

[fourty6and2]

TwelveThirty,

I see what you mean.The relationship is more about sex for me than for him. What I want? I want someone who treats me like him but to be more attracted to that person. I would very much like it to be him, but I cannot force myself into loving anyone. I was pretty clear with him about my feelings,so I don't think he is confused.He said it himself he understands the feeling is not mutual. I'm going to go with the flow...we won't meet two months anyway, 'cause I'm traveling, so we'll see what happens. He is texting me in the mean time tho.

 

Crayzyaboutdogs,

That is a very smart saying in your signature. I do feel guilty about all this... i have to admit I could get a bit jealous if he'd find someone but I think it would be just my pride. If he would let go it would be easier on me. I definitely want to have him as a friend. He is one of those rare persons that is on the same page with me.We are alike in many ways. He is single since ....a looong time and so am I. I's a bit confusing having sex and not sharing the same feelings, but I think time will tell what will happen.Burning bridges would be hard anyway because he is friends with my family too.I do not want to hurt anyone or take advantage.I think time will be my best friend in this.

 

Thank you both for your opinions....it helps to see others' perspectives.

[fourty6and2]

Ok. I'm with him again. I like being with him. Do I love him? I don't know....but he proves to be better than others i've dated so far.

[tessa123]

You didnt say how long the relationship was that you were seeing him, but it didnt sound long. For him to say he loves you so much after such a short time doesnt ring true. When I met my boyfriend he didnt make my heart race at first but the more I got to know him the more I grew to love him, I think you are looking for someone to be with who makes you feel excited like your ex, but you are scared of getting hurt, you may find him and he could be as good to you as this man is that you care about . I would distance myself a bit from this man and say you just want to be friends, as you care about him and he is a good person.

[fourty6and2]

Thanks Tessa123!!!

 

It's true, I am looking for excitement...but as I know him more, he seems better every day. My feelings have grown for him, but still not to the point where I can say I love him. I already accepted the relationship and I'm giving it another try, to see what will be. I've been tossing men away for quite a long time, so I'm not going to reject him again.From this point we both might get either hurt or happy...chances are 50-50. I don't really want to brake up with him.

So far so good.

[fourty6and2]

Almost 3 years passed, and I am back for advice. We had happy moments in these years, and have 2 dogs together. One of them was mine before, the other one, we got together. In this time a lot happened. Bad ones would be: he would not be happy about being w my family, choosing to hang out with neighbors, that I dislike;he didn't even say happy b-day to my sister at her b-day party....from where he left for 2 hours saying he has some work to do.... he would be unpacient when golfing or playing pool, tennis.....those moments that should have been fun, just turned out to be annoying just because" I wouldn't hit the ball right" or whatever. There were some financial issues that I felt betrayed with and the last drop was that after we had some sexy time , he received some text from a friend to go play pool.He was going to go even if I stayed silent when he told me abt the text. I obviously did not feel like going, since in my mind I was going to have some intimacy/ romantic evening with him. He is a social butterfly, but since he's w me he works from home and his true friends afre far away. So he is saying that I don't want him to befriend anyone. I am a popular person but didn't really feel the need to befriend anyone because all I needed was the company of my family and him......I just gave out the reasons that started fights but we also had great times. Anyway, he says that he feels like he is not #1 and that I don't want him to make friends. Also, thinks I'm jealous of the neighbor woman. Well, they are both very "overly-enthusiastic" when discussing something, and I am more like a calm person, so when I hear them talking it is annoying to me. I told him I think he feels attracted to her....I admit it bothered me that he was spending time with that family ( of 3)more than with mine....but don' t know if I can label it as jealousy.. So when he wanted to choose to go play pool instead of continuing a romantic evening(by the way he never really say that I should go play too....I suspect because I don't play well at all) we had a contradictory discussion, told him that if he chooses to go then go, and when I saw he grabbed his keys my reaction was " I can't believe you are doing this"....and then started to contradict again, than after abt 2 hours he admitted that he wasn't right and apologized. Promised he will be more attentive. Next day in the morning I felt like we are good and things can go on happily....but then, I started talking to my closest ones about what happened and got more aggravated. The more I thought about it the angrier I got....also started to think and discover that other situations bothered me too and felt angry that I did not even say anything about those....3 years passed and I am facing a dilemma again. Brake up or not? I do love him very much, but the moments when I get butterflies or my heart beats fast because of him, are rare. He upset me with some financial, intimacy and sex issues, he did not even like my dog for a year....we got a second dog 2 yrs ago. When I felt the most upset with him at first I felt ok after he admitted he was in the wrong, but I started to put this relationship in balance and felt like I was crying more about him taking the second dog with him if we brake up instead of losing him.i decided in my mind that we should brake up.Next 2 weeks I was nice to him but distant and did not have sex. We live together. He knew there was a problem but did not approach with anything....He had to leave for about 2 weeks after that and was sending messages with kisses and hugs and loves but I did not send any thing back like that. I was sticking to the minimum in conversations. When he came back we talked. I told him I am thinking of braking up, and the thought can't leave my mind. He said that he did not know that he upset me this much although he talked about us with is family and I got the sense that they were more on my side.... he said discussions with his family " opened his eyes". He apologized and said he loves me more than anything. He said that he has never been happier and that I helped him be more calm and more responsible than ever. He said he would do a anything for me and us. Thing is that he grew up with a father that abused him physically and his mom doesn't even call on hid bday....he didn't learn too many family values but if I told him how it is expected to behave in a family situation he would better himself . It's just that it was too often when I needed to tell him that what he said or did was not appropriate or might be considered disrespectful even if he did not mean it that way. Since that talk he has been very attentive, taking care of the house , cooking almost every day, cleaning, walking the dogs.....now I feel guilty about thinking to leave him and be an other person that rejects him......he has been " good" for 3 months straight, and asked me if he would propose, what would I say.......I said I didn't not know....avoiding the answer....he got a bit sad but did not want to show it...though he asked " what are we doing together then"...... I just replied. " are you mad me cause if didn't say yes right away"? And left it like that. He gives me hints that he wants kids.....and before that last thing that upset me, I thought I got pregnant and I was feeling anxious but somehow happy( I wasn't pregnant just a bit late) but now I would not feel all that happiness anymore if it was to happen again.I do love him and wish him all the good in the world but don't know what to do. Overall, he is treating me right and the problems we had are not major like cheating, or other big dramas that cannot be fixed.....looking around I don't know if I'll find an equal or better guy (but then again, why not)...and don't want to face some situations in the near future alone.....

I kind of just vented here, but opinions and thoughts would help me process better. Everyone tells me it is up to me what I decide.....but I feel so blocked.....if I look at only the good things in him, I would stay, but if I look on the not so good ones it makes me want to leave.....specially because there are some general trust issues going on, because he does know how to manipulate...it's one of his strongest abilities....He said he is happy with me but I am questioning if I am happy with him.......an other dilemma is that " am I a perfectionist and should just go ahead and work things out, or should I look for something better, or even nothing at all...but loose what I have now?

[mhowe]

I think you talked yourself into this 3 years ago and you have reached the limit of your settling. He didn't float your boat then and you are now nitpicking. He didn't wish your sister a happy bday, he didn't bond with your dog right away.

 

You basically told him no to his proposal. Time to pack it in.