I've been "confusing" my cousin

[3fuegos3]

When my cousin (10 years) and I go to the arcade, he always runs for the shoot-'em-ups. He seems to enjoy the fast pace, and that we can work together to beat the game. Now, his mother is saying she doesn't want him playing it anymore. She read an article, and believes the game will lead him to go postal in the future.

 

He asked me about that, and I felt he deserved my honest opinion. I told him I have seen violence first-hand, played shoot-'em-ups as a kid, know how to use several real-life firearms, and have never hurt/killed anyone, or had run-ins with the law. I didn't go into detail with him, but before I was his age, I'd seen someone shot by professionals, and passed car bomb wreckage on the way to the local park.

 

His mother wants him to believe a video game will hurt him, and asked me not to inadvertently confuse him with what I believe. Well, if I do something inadvertently, that means I don't realize I'm doing it. How can I stop doing something I don't realize I'm doing in the first place? Maybe a video game will warp his mind, I don't know, but all I can tell him is what years of experience have led me to believe.

 

It's his mother's call, so he and I won't do things she doesn't want us to, but what do I do now? She doesn't want me saying things that will "confuse" him, and how am I supposed to know what those things are? When I asked, her answer was very vague. I'm afraid to answer any of his questions now because I might hear about it later.

 

What if he asks about girls next? What if, like when I was his age, all the boys in his class mention 69 over and over, and he asks me what that is?

 

What do you think? Can I avoid "confusing" him while still being myself?

[annony]

I'd say that if he asks you a question who's answer you feel you'd "get in trouble" for, just don't answer it. Say "I think someone else would be able to answer that better for you" or something like that and change the subject to something else he enjoys talking about.

[DoGGYtREAts]

That's a Hard one. I have always been a completely honest person and I speak my real thoughts. And it has gotten me Into trouble before-

 

Ex. One time while watching my niece for a weekend she asked me about Marijuana. I told her the Honest truth about what it does, what it feels like, and what the dangers / legal risks are of using it. 3 days after she went home she took a joint from one of her friends and I heard alot of c**p about it. As if i had told her she SHOULD do it, Which wasn't the case at all.

 

I have learned that when it comes to someone's kid you really have to be mindful and adhere to the mothers wishes- Even if you don't necessiarily agree. This doesn't mean you should lie to the kid either.. like the aboce poster said.. find an exuse to dodge the subject if his/her parents say it's "off limits"

[Seraphim]

Yes, violence does damage young minds, especially the mind of boys, there have been many studies on this. I would not entertain questions about sex either, that is his mother's business. Why not ask her the activities she will allow? Why not take him swimming? Play basket ball with him. Toss a ball around.

[abitbroken]

I agree with Victoria. And remember at 10, he is not a teen. He is still a child. And if you had seen someone shot by the time you were ten, it doesn't mean its a right of passage or an average childhood experience. Please remember that and let him be a kid and let his parents decide how they want him raised, and when they want to introduce topics. if he asks about sex, tell him to talk to his folks about it. Also, lead by example. Don't make disrespectful comments about the way girls/women are dressed or call attention to their sex appeal in front of him. My sister felt pressured by an older friend to wear make up and "find a boy to like" to fit in,

 

Also, it could be that his mom is commenting because it is affecting him. Even if he is not acting out, he may be obsessed with the game or focusing on the next time constantly. Arcades can be a time sucker. Or maybe she just doesn't want him to end up video game obsessed. If you want to "team work" with him, show him some real life team work like playing a pick up basketball game with friends if they will be sensitive to his skill level if they are much older, building a tree house, volunteering in the neighborhood. There are also many other "teamwork" type video games that don't involve killing.

[3fuegos3]

Yes, violence does damage young minds, especially the mind of boys, there have been many studies on this. I would not entertain questions about sex either, that is his mother's business. Why not ask her the activities she will allow? Why not take him swimming? Play basket ball with him. Toss a ball around.

 

Many studies have been done that say the opposite as well. Anyone can do a study, how do we know how reliable it is? I felt insulted that his mother would rely on some article, rather than looking to me, a living example of someone who's seen violence, yet is a nonviolent upstanding citizen. If media violence is so damaging, why wasn't I damaged? Even with bipolar II disorder as a teen, which sends emotions running wild, I was never violent. Also, why wasn't my brother damaged? Or, what about one of my best friends? My father used to play around bomb craters when he was that young, so why wasn't he damaged?

 

Anyway, we share many athletic activities as well, like you mentioned, and we'll continue to, but I feel badly he's being led to believe his mind is so weak that a game could brainwash him. Again, it's his mother's call, but from knowing him, I believe he's much stronger than she gives him credit for.

 

I agree with Victoria. And remember at 10, he is not a teen. He is still a child. And if you had seen someone shot by the time you were ten, it doesn't mean its a right of passage or an average childhood experience. Please remember that and let him be a kid and let his parents decide how they want him raised, and when they want to introduce topics. if he asks about sex, tell him to talk to his folks about it. Also, lead by example. Don't make disrespectful comments about the way girls/women are dressed or call attention to their sex appeal in front of him. My sister felt pressured by an older friend to wear make up and "find a boy to like" to fit in,

 

Well, you bring up another important point. Before I was his age, I lived in a place where prostitution was legal, and I often saw them walking, going in or coming out of buildings. Still, this did not turn me into a misogynist. Will I tell him about that? Not at all, it's too adult for him. I'll defer him to his mother. However, I'm one of the few male influences in his life, and I have a feeling he'll one day have questions he's only comfortable asking a man. I don't want to confuse him, but I don't want to insult his intelligence either. All I would pressure him to do is be himself and seek knowledge that could help him answer some of these questions.

 

Also, it could be that his mom is commenting because it is affecting him. Even if he is not acting out, he may be obsessed with the game or focusing on the next time constantly. Arcades can be a time sucker. Or maybe she just doesn't want him to end up video game obsessed. If you want to "team work" with him, show him some real life team work like playing a pick up basketball game with friends if they will be sensitive to his skill level if they are much older, building a tree house, volunteering in the neighborhood. There are also many other "teamwork" type video games that don't involve killing.

 

He is very athletic, and we do also play video games that don't involve violence, but as for what I bolded above, I hadn't thought of that, thanks. I certainly don't see him all the time, and he may be focusing on shoot-'em-ups a bit too much, as you suggested. In that case, I wouldn't want him obsessed with video games either, growing up to be a 33-year-old hermit whose girlfriend complains he plays video games too much. I've definitely seen it happen, and it's never been pretty. #-o Otherwise, I think he's too strong to do what the television tells him.

[3fuegos3]

I'd say that if he asks you a question who's answer you feel you'd "get in trouble" for, just don't answer it. Say "I think someone else would be able to answer that better for you" or something like that and change the subject to something else he enjoys talking about.

I have learned that when it comes to someone's kid you really have to be mindful and adhere to the mothers wishes- Even if you don't necessiarily agree. This doesn't mean you should lie to the kid either.. like the aboce poster said.. find an exuse to dodge the subject if his/her parents say it's "off limits"

 

Thank you. This will be very difficult for me, as he really seems to respect my opinion, but I'll seek the best of both worlds.

[Seraphim]

Just look at it that his mother is protecting him. That is her job. It is not really her job to worry if you will be insulted because she asked not have him shown violent addictive video games. If she wants to believe a study that is her prerogative. He is still a child at 10. Trying to make someone grow up fast is not really doing them any favours. Just let him be a kid. Even if you are the only male influence his mother's influence will still be more influential and it is her child.

[3fuegos3]

Just look at it that his mother is protecting him. That is her job. It is not really her job to worry if you will be insulted because she asked not have him shown violent addictive video games. If she wants to believe a study that is her prerogative. He is still a child at 10. Trying to make someone grow up fast is not really doing them any favours. Just let him be a kid. Even if you are the only male influence his mother's influence will still be more influential and it is her child.

 

I'm not trying to "make" him do anything. He enjoyed this game before I came along, he asked for my opinion, and I gave it to him. I wouldn't ever show him something I believed might scare him. People don't have to like video games that feature firearms, that's both his mother's prerogative as well as yours, but again, when I was a kid I was neither addicted to video games nor was I inspired to violence by them. I was a happy kid who played outside and grew up at the appropriate time, but I'm rather sure you and I won't agree on this point so I'll move on.

 

In telling him what I told him, I wasn't trying to undermine his mother's views. She only told me how strongly she felt after the fact. I was giving him the benefit of my own experience. Like I said, I want to abide by his mother's wishes, but I hope it won't come to a steady stream of, "Ask your mother," "Ask your mother." He won't buy that. He's smart, and believes I have more to offer. But, if at some point she feels she has to protect him from my own experience, then I'll be sad, but that'll be her decision and I will stand by it. I'd ask what his father thinks, but he ran out on the poor kid. I believe something like real abandonment is more harmful than fantasy violence. He knows I won't run out on him, and other studies have shown that leading by example can lead to positive upbringings.

 

Anyway, in conclusion, he's his mother's child, and it's her call.

[Seraphim]

The danger with saying, " I was ok seeing violence so he should be too", is that not everyone's emotional and mental make up is the same. It is better to error on the side of caution. It is good you adhere to his mother's rules.

[3fuegos3]

The danger with saying, " I was ok seeing violence so he should be too", is that not everyone's emotional and mental make up is the same. It is better to error on the side of caution. It is good you adhere to his mother's rules.

 

I agree with you. I never promised him he'd be O.K. though, I only gave him another view to consider.

[sunnyhappydays]

He's 10. He's not 16. You were out of line and it is clear that you are not a parent.