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I feel ugly since the break up....


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First of all I don't want to be taken for a bad person for the things I'm about to say, so please try to understand where I'm coming from.

 

So I'm sure we have all dealt with self esteem issues after the break up. Our ego's have taken a beating, and in turn it makes us feel less desirable and maybe even not attractive. For me it's been pretty bad. Lately my self esteem is in the toilet. I just don't feel attractive, good about myself none of it. I know there are a few reasons for this. First of all....and I don't know how to approach this with out sounding shallow, but just gonna put it out there. I saw the ex and the girl he rebounded with as some of you may know. After sizing her up, I honestly had the reaction 'HER? REALLY??" I know this sounds incredibly mean spirited but she wasn't very pretty. She was just 'okay'- she had no style, wasn't a very good dresser, honestly didn't put a lot of effort into herself (He even said this stuff out of his own mouth!) I know I must sound awful but I couldn't help but feel like 'Really? You gave up on me, on us to be with HER?' It's made me feel really terrible about myself and brought my self esteem very far down.

 

He has since broken up with this girl, and I am guilty of spying on a social networking page of his a while back (Not anymore, I removed myself from there now) but....and again I don't want to sound shallow but I looked at many of the girls he had since befriended and was flirting with on there and they were all not very attractive girls. It's made me feel like 'He doesn't want me back, but yet he's trying to get with these girls??' I don't understand it!

 

My ex had self esteem issues himself and needed to be constantly reassured he was attractive, he would often seek attention from many girls (Via facebook and myspace back in the day) it tapered off when we got together, but he still had many of these girls around. I noticed this, and honestly noticed that many of them were not all that good looking. I wondered- did he intentionally befriend girls that were not attractive because he knew they would give him compliments easily because maybe they had low self esteem? Or was he actually attracted to them? Then I wondered....MAYBE I'm not pretty either! Maybe I fit into that category of 'ugly' and he was settling for me? I feel like my mind is scrambled! Sometimes I either think I am butt ugly, or the biggest upgrade he had ever had.

 

All I know is I don't feel pretty these days because of all this. Maybe it should make me feel GOOD knowing he downgraded after me, and talks to all the not so pretty girls. My best friend says to me that these are the only type of girls he can get, that I was the best he ever had, and that these girls are more on his level (Not just looks in every aspect of life, job, education etc) I don't know anymore but my self esteem is shot. Please don't take this as me being mean spirited, I feel awful for thinking these things. I'm not a shallow person, I KNOW I'm no Marilyn Monroe, but I used to think I was somewhat pretty. Now I just don't know anymore.

 

Anyone else have similar issues or feelings?

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All I can say is after reading your post, that it has nothing to do with their looks or your looks.

You say you don't want to sound shallow but by what you wrote, you do sound that way, I'm not judging you, but.....maybe do some soul searching.

 

He did not move on (not sure who broke up with who) due to your looks, pretty or not.

 

Try to look at the situation as to what you contributed to the break-up of this relationship and try to learn about yourself so that next time

you will be more aware and more open to someone compatible with you. Boost your self esteem during this time and don't fall for insecure guys.

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Your both right. I feel badly for having thoughts like that. Think I'm just pretty messed up in the head lately and my emotions, feelings, jealousy, insecurities all of that run very high. I feel awful about myself both mentally and emotionally.

 

I apologize if I was ofdensive and sounded mean spirited here. Points taken and your all correct.

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hey girl, yeah you shouldn't compare yourself to his now ex mainly becuase you probably dont know her personality too well ... it seems that his the problem in all this as in he himself can't confront his own issues and seems to have his own "back up plans" when he needs ego stoking etc etc.

 

it seems that you and other girls are pretty much being treated similarly and that you souldn't feel like you dont feel pretty based on this one guy becuase it sounds like he has his own self esteem issues besides you don't need a man to make you feel "pretty" and from the sound of it your better of without this guy in your life !

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Oh my goodness, you do not sound mean spirited at all. Your hurt, break ups are hard.

Your just going through the phase of being all messed up. This will pass. Many people compare themselves to their ex's and wonder

what they see in them. Are they prettier than me, if not what does he see in her? So normal. Do what you have to do to get through this, get mad, be sad whatever.

 

Once you start feeling a little more normal and the major hurt has passed take some time to look at what you got out of the

relationship, what you contributed to the break down of it. Lots of people just want to put all the blame on the ex but it's important

that you look at your part in it. We can learn so much about ourselves from break ups but you have to go through them, you can't go around them.

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Robin, Coastal's right. The comparison, physical, intellectual, behavioral is normal.

 

I remember how smug and superior I felt when I saw a picture of my ex with his gf of 2 years followed by the realization that it didn't matter. He'd rather have a chubby (if not outright fat), plain, older woman who clearly didn't know how to dress than me. Looks don't seem to matter when it comes to love. When men look at a woman they're attracted to, they skim over the parts they don't like and focus on what they do. Women focus on what they don't like.

 

Now, to get back to your self-confidence. Have you tried affirmations? They worked for me. The first day I realized men were looking at me I called a friend and told her that I'd caught two men checking me out, that the new dress I was wearing really was getting a lot of attention. She laughed and said "it's not the dress. Men always checked you out. It's just that you've finally managed to lift your head up so you're noticing for the first time." They worked for me.

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I think that the feelings that you describe are absolutely normal after being at the receiving end of a break up. I for one have felt similar. You are still at this stage where you are focusing on your ex's thoughts and feelings about what is important instead of on your own. You are letting him define who you are. It may take a while but in time you will be able to bring the focus back to yourself. What really matters is what YOU think about what makes a worthwile person not what you assume that another person thinks. You assume that you are messed up because of how another person acted (but his actions are coming from him NOT you. Another person may have acted differently and so on.). By that, you are giving up control of your thoughts and feelings. No one else but you should have the power to decide what is important to you. If you haven't already, have a look at Al Turtle's website.

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Agree with the others.....

 

I was instantly replaced by a guy who I had all the same initial thoughts about...In my eyes she had downgraded in so many ways....

 

But they are still together after 2+ years, so she has obviously found things in this guy that keep her there...

 

Because I am still alone I wont go into how that makes me feel, but reading your post shows me the other side of it...as in, I wasted a lot of time waiting and wanting them to split up mainly due to wanting her back and all the 'Rebound Theories' that you read...but in the end, is that really going to matter?

 

I've never seen you Robin* but I've read a lot of your posts....Your beauty surely comes out there thats for sure*

 

Keep walking...This will soon be just be a faded memory*

 

Ever Forward

Carus* 8-)

 

EDIT: As for the affirmations that Autumn* talks about, I printed out the below and stuck it on my bathroom mirror so I can read it every day. It helps...*

 

I AM LARGER THAN MY PAIN

 

All loss is a doorway. All pain is an entrance. All suffering is a gate.

The universe is large enough to hold my pain and comfort me. I am

small enough to be held and cherished, rocked and soothed. I am large

enough to hold my compassion, large enough to hold peace. I am united

with all through my suffering and through my joy. I connect to my emotions

and I connect to others through their emotions. I am both the mountain and

the cloud. Circumstances vary, situations change, but I remain rooted in the

soil of the Gods. The universe consoles me and makes me whole.

 

 

THE UNIVERSE FUNDS ME WITH STRENGTH

 

In times of adversity, I remember I am strong enough to meet the challenges of my life.

I am equal to every situation, a match for every difficulty. Sourced in the power

of the universe, I allow that power to work through me. I meet calamity with strength.

I have stamina. Rather than draw on limited resources, I draw on the infinite power within me

that moves through me to accomplish its good. I am fueled by all the love, all the strength there is.

Loving strength melts mountains. I am ever partnered and supplied by universal flow.

Knowing this, I do not doubt my strength. I am strong and secure.

 

 

MY GOOD IS POWERFUL AND CANNOT BE STOPPED

 

There is no block to my highest good. No person, situation,

event, or misfortune can block the flow of good to me. The flow

of good is within me. All things work toward the good. As I allow

love to come to me, I am fulfilling my true nature. I am listening to

the voice within me me which says, "Grow, blossom, this love is nutrition

for your true nature." I accept love as I accept the sunshine, the moistening

rain. It is natural. I need only receive it.

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Don't feel bad about your feelings! I think it's pretty normal to feel this way after a break up. When I saw pictures of my ex and the girl he left me for I was also like "You left me for her, seriously?!"

 

My self esteem was shattered, I felt not good enough and was asking myself over and over again, what she has that I don't have, etc. Those thoughts drove me insane in the beginning. But trust me, this too shall pass. You are going to regain your selfconfidence and one day you won't care anymore about what he sees in his new girlfriend or if she is better looking than you or not. Maybe she has a great personality?! We don't know that, but it doesn't matter anyway... We are going to find someone, who really values us and who will call our ex's crazy for breaking up with someone as great as us

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