The problem with dating is...

[pillowtalk]

Going on dates and not having *that chemistry.* And you know what I mean. The kind of chemistry where you know it's headed somewhere. Where you can't wait to see them again. It's the kind of chemistry you had with your ex, and until you find it again, you will always come back from these dates comparing them to your ex.

 

Yes, I just got back from a date. He was totally nice, just zero chemistry. I haven't really been thinking of my ex much lately, but when I got home from my date, I couldn't stop thinking about my ex and our first date. And how by our third date, we were absolutely crazy about each other.

 

It's been 10 months since breaking up with him, and I guess he's still the last person I was in love with. Maybe I'm not completely open to finding that again. I don't know. But one thing is for sure: mediocre dates have a way of missing your ex in a big way.

[guynextdoor]

I don't think going on dates and comparing them to your ex is a good thing. Go on dates with an open mind and make the best of it. Going home and comparing all your dates to your ex just means you are not ready to date.

[allsunny]

Comparing your ex to everyone is inevitable, but eventually you'll find that the other guys you meet will turn out better than your ex. Just give yourself more time to reflect on your relationship, or even think back on all the times that when wrong and all the things he did wrong. Once you realize that you really are better off without him, other guys will look more attractive to you and give you a better chance of forming chemistry

[Robin2904]

I know what you mean. I've gone on dates since my ex, enjoyed other guys company....but for one reason or another it always makes me miss the ex. Those dates have been more of a distraction then anything else. I was the same way with my ex we just KNEW right off the bat. It was electrifying and like nothing else I've ever experienced in my life. I used to say it was love at first sight (Only I don't really believe in that anymore) but it certainly was a crazy feeling that I don't know if I will ever feel again. Its not productive to compare others to the ex, but its almost impossible not to- kinda like your stuck between a rock and a hard place. You want to move on, find someone new that will give you that feelings, but your heart keeps reminding you that these new people aren't your ex. I think we're sabotaging our self, but it's a hard cycle to break. I totally understand.

[Oasiswater]

The way I look at it is, the day I met my ex, I had this sudden rush. This sudden urge to reach out to her and to talk to her. We instantly hit it off, just like many of the other stories here. But just because you go on one or two dates and don't feel that way, doesn't mean that your ex is the only person you're going to feel that way with. Give it time, it'll happen eventually. But most importantly, it's only going to happen when you're not searching for it.

[motleylou]

I'm in the exact same situation, 2 months after my ex gf broke up with me 1 month NC, she cheated on me and lied about it until I found out from a mutual friend. She did all this only 4 weeks after we had moved in together, she was my first real love and the first girl I actually saw myself settling down with. So for me this is my toughest break up by far. I have been going out a lot just to keep busy, and last week I ran into a girl I've known for years. We kind of hit it off at the bar and made a date for the next weekend. We went out and the date went good, the conversation flowed and there were no awkward moments. But like everyone else is saying I left that date thinking more about my ex than I had in weeks, and just wished that she was there instead of my date. It's not like I was knit picking to find things that this girl didn't have compared to my ex, it just happened. Whenever I would make a funny comment or joke I was expecting a reaction like I used to get from my ex. She always said the best things to make me laugh. So when that response wasn't there it just left me with an empty feeling inside.

 

I realize that this just isn't the right girl for me and had it been with a different girl who was more outgoing or funny then maybe I would of left the date going screw my ex this girls great, instead of wanting my ex there with me. I almost thought that this would happen and I guess it's just the steps I have to take to find that right girl for me again. I'm in no way discouraged by the date but am just surprised that it happened like that. I'm still going to just live my life and keep the door open because when that girl does fall into place I want to be ready. Like Oasis said love does come when you're least expecting it, and that's how it happened with my ex and i'm sure that's how it's going to happen this time. When you're trying to force something to happen that's when you end up settling and end up in a rebound situation and hurt the other person. So I do believe that it will happen naturally, but will 100% still casually date. The only positive that I did take away from the date is that my self confidence did get a boost after being shattered by the breakup. It was nice to know that other girls out there still find me attractive and it's not like my ex was the only one who did.

[nekoxchaos]

we shouldn't go on a date comparing the experiance with the ex, i read that if you go on dates but are still hung up on your ex that means your emotionally unavailble for a relationship that would probably be as great. The memories we had with our ex are all valid, they were real and they were fun but those moments passed and we should try to move on, I remember hanging around my ex because I lived too much on the past when it was evident that things were changing and my time with him has already passed, I still had "chemistry" with my ex even when we weren't bf / gf but it just made me feel empty because I didn't want to let go.

 

its best to just move on , dating is scary and we usually keep our heart guarded but we should also be open to new experiances as long as we make sure to learn from our old ones.

[DaveCummings]

Pillowtalk,

 

I have to agree with what you've said and also with what others have said. I will comment on both sides of these points...

 

I have only really had a few moments where I really felt "that" connection with a girl. One was my first ex who I thought the world of and wasn't emotionally mature enough to handle. She gave me butterflies on more than one occasion. The next girl I dated for over a year, she was pretty good too. Something about her I liked being around. Then my most recent ex, such an instant connection. It was amazing, truly love at first sight. Never felt that strongly for any of my past gfs or past girls I've been with. This I know for absolute certainty. No one made me smile to see her like my recent ex did. No one.

 

I've since gone on dates. Been out with some pretty amazing girls who I actually took quite a liking to as well. I wanted to hang out with them more. No thought of her at this point any longer. For whatever reason the girls wouldn't want to be with me. I felt pretty good about myself all the same. There's something interesting in that a day before her birthday, I saw her. She was at the mall with her friend and new bf. It wasn't until near my birthday that her new bf took it upon himself to contact me and try to punk me as he did half a year previously. I didn't think of her since then, but when he contacted me it got me thinking about her all over again.

 

After everything is said and done and the small amount of dates I've been on I can still say with absolute certainty that I never cared more deeply about any girl I've been with than her. She was the only one that inspired me to write music, which now I've managed to write 3 songs and no other girl inspired me this way. I don't believe I have compared each and every date I've been on to her, but I know even the girls I was crazy about... the feeling wasn't even close to the same level and as others here suggested I never pay attention to it until I put it into words like on here. Which is something I wished would change and that's more so to prove that I'm not hung up on her..