When do you break NC as the dumper?

[Escargot]

I'm having a very weak evening. I'm trying to stay far from my phone. It's NC day 4, and post BU day 9.

 

My question: when is it time (if ever) for the dumper to break NC? I read the advice accross the boards, and the typical scenario is that the dumpee initiates NC and waits for the dumper to call them. Well, I am the dumper. In a nutshell, I had been telling him for several weeks that I felt taken for granted and not appreciated. It had been two months, essentially, of marked withdrawal behavior on his part. I had gotten mad over two back to back cancellations on his part and blew up at him (I'm normally cool headed). We roller coastered for a couple of days over the phone (hot and cold) and the final straw for me was that, when asked he couldn't say he loved me (then again, he had only said it once before, about 4 months prior, and only because I asked him).

 

I told him on Monday we needed to go our separate ways and he accused me of being an emotional roller coaster (which I was) and that I was only repeating myself (which I was). It dawned on me that I was repeating myself, but the lightbulb went off that he was hearing what I was trying to communicate but that he wasn't willing/interested to agree to the changes I was asking for. Then again, he gets VERY passive aggressive when someone makes demands on him, and I think we were hitting each other's buttons, worse than we ever have before in the 1 1/2 years we dated.

 

My friends say to wait it out NC, he'll come around and call me. And when he does I need to be nonchalant. That I had given him too much of the power of the relationship. I agree to all of that, but reading the posts, it looks like the way it's supposed to be is that the Dumper comes around when they are wanting to reconcile. Well, I only want to reconcile if there are changes (if he meets me halfway in this relationship). I want a calm, level headed discussion with him to decide if this relationship is salvagable or if it's not worth it.

 

I also feel really weak tonight for some reason, and I don't trust myself to make a sound judgement on breaking NC. Help.

[Hollyj]

What do you hope to gain from the contact?

 

Did he ever recognize any of his issues and agree to work on them? If not, you're wasting your time. Also, if you do call him now, you will show you have no boundaries, and he'll treat you worse.

[Escargot]

He was acting passive aggressively. For some of my issues he was agreeing (but it sounded like a quick agreement) and yet no change. We would have this gut wrenching conversation (gut wrenching on my end) and then the next day he would be on the phone all happy and chirper, and it made me feel like everything was swept under the rug. One of my initial discussions on the topic a few weeks ago was simply that we were overdue a real date. He agreed and yet made no attempt to plan anything other than hanging out (which was cancelled twice due to his schedule). He didn't proactively make any efforts on his part. When I asked him if he loved me, he said "I do but I can't say the words. I guess that's something I need to work on." Which made me really frustrated and felt rejected and sounded like a cop out.

 

Okay, my rational side is seeing that there's no advantage to my breaking NC. He knows what he's gotta do to make this right. I just got to keep on with NC.

[1m50L0nl3y]

First of all, what in the world were you thinking asking a guy if he loves you? Seriously , you seem desperate. Never ask that. It makes you look needy, insecure, not sexy, no confidence, big turn off. If I were him I would have done the same as he did.

The minute someone feels your whole happiness depends on them thats the minute when they take you for granted. This applies wether you are male , female, black, white.. Its human nature. Humans dont like to be pushed to reciprocate feelings.

Second, when someone is acting passive aggressive the worst thing you could ever do is start arguments or force them to act as YOU want. Passive aggressive people will always break your plans.

 

So no, you shouldnt break the NC. But dont expect anything extraordinary to happen, when we guys lose interest is because theres someone else in our radar.

[Hollyj]

Hon, the words mean nothing if they're not followed by action.

 

Stick with NC

[ForumGuy]

It's only been 4 days. You should give it some more time because if you break NC this early, nothing will have changed. He needs time to realize his mistakes and make an effort to remedy them. Stay strong and wait a few more weeks. Even though it doesn't seem like it tonight, it is in your best interest.

[Escargot]

First of all, what in the world were you thinking asking a guy if he loves you? Seriously , you seem desperate. Never ask that. It makes you look needy, insecure, not sexy, no confidence, big turn off. If I were him I would have done the same as he did.

The minute someone feels your whole happiness depends on them thats the minute when they take you for granted. This applies wether you are male , female, black, white.. Its human nature. Humans dont like to be pushed to reciprocate feelings.

Second, when someone is acting passive aggressive the worst thing you could ever do is start arguments or force them to act as YOU want. Passive aggressive people will always break your plans.

 

So no, you shouldnt break the NC. But dont expect anything extraordinary to happen, when we guys lose interest is because theres someone else in our radar.

 

Eighteen months into a long term, exclusive relationship and it's not okay to ask a guy if he loves me? Especially if the behavior lately is not loving, and if he's losing interest then I'm exiting the relationship? Honestly, if a guy 18 months into a relationship freaks out over the mention of love, I really don't want to be with him.

[Escargot]

It's only been 4 days. You should give it some more time because if you break NC this early, nothing will have changed. He needs time to realize his mistakes and make an effort to remedy them. Stay strong and wait a few more weeks. Even though it doesn't seem like it tonight, it is in your best interest.

 

Thanks. I sat on my hands and hid my phone and I'm "over" the temptation. I'm glad I didn't call. I realized (like Holly asks) I wouldn't gain anything by it.

[LN1987]

Eighteen months into a long term, exclusive relationship and it's not okay to ask a guy if he loves me? Especially if the behavior lately is not loving, and if he's losing interest then I'm exiting the relationship? Honestly, if a guy 18 months into a relationship freaks out over the mention of love, I really don't want to be with him.

 

I agree. I perhaps became a little needy at the end of my relationship but mostly because I felt unloved and a real distance between me and my partner. Perhaps he didn't love me, but I think I had a right to ask after being in a relationship with him for 16 months.

[Doofus]

You absolutely had the right to ask. Did someone ask for NC? Or is it just that you two are broken up and you haven't talked in a few days?

[Escargot]

You absolutely had the right to ask. Did someone ask for NC? Or is it just that you two are broken up and you haven't talked in a few days?

 

Me. The day after we broke up he called and I answered and quickly said that I thought we needed to not talk for a while since everything had pretty much been said and we were just riding a roller coaster.

[Doofus]

The ball's in your court, then. But break NC only if you really feel that

1. You have something signifcant to say that you had not said before

or

2. You are prepared to forgive, and, more importantly, forget, the reasons for the break up.

[Hollyj]

Please don't defend yourself, you had every right to ask after being together for so long. It wasn't like you were needing validation on a regular basis.

 

I think you really need to ask yourself what you're missing from the relationship: is it him or the relationship? Doesn't sound like you were getting a hell of a lot!

 

You didn't really discuss your problems?

[Escargot]

Please don't defend yourself, you had every right to ask after being together for so long. It wasn't like you were needing validation on a regular basis.

 

I think you really need to ask yourself what you're missing from the relationship: is it him or the relationship? Doesn't sound like you were getting a hell of a lot!

 

You didn't really discuss your problems?

 

He definitely pulled back these last two months. But yeah I do miss him. I enjoy his company and sense of humor, and we are really a good match on interest levels and values for the most part.

 

I think what I need to do is, after a period of NC, break NC and ask if he'd like to discuss our issues in a more grown up manner. Then, if it's an impasse at that point, the BU is concrete. What I feel bad about is brewing over some issues and not communicating sooner, and in the manner in which I exploded at him. Valid issues, but not the way to address them. Then his passive aggressive side came out, and it all went downhill from there.

 

I was reading a post here on ENA when the lightbulb went on this morning. I had been holding in some stuff with regards to him and letting it turn to resentment, so I felt justified when I ambushed him. Ah ha. I should have given him a fair opportunity to correct his mistakes (or say no thanks, that's okay too) instead of making it an attack. I see where I personally went wrong. And yeah, probably not the best time to ask a guy if he loves you, especially if he has a hard time saying it anyways.

[hopelessincan]

Some women need to hear those words (myself included)...so no I dont think its bad to ask either. I asked mine a few times too. Usually when women are asking that it is because we are sensing something is wrong in the relationship that is making us feel insecure. Thats when I would usually ask. He would pull back sometimes too, usually after spending some really good time together. For women that tends us to get us more attached. With some men, I think it scares them so they need to go back to their cave for a while.

As for the NC, thats a tough one, i cant stand it and think its a bit of a game, so go with your heart....but on the other hand, due to your circumstances, I agree with the other posters about him taking you for granted so its a tough call. You could always own up to your part of the BU and see where it goes from there...but I have a feeling that its too soon for him to admit his part

[Hollyj]

I hear a lot of self-blame. Not good! How often is he PA?

 

You do need to reinforce your boundaries, and remember, he is not a child but, an adult!

 

I think the most important thing to share in a relationship are: love, care, respect and trust. If you have these things it will work, if it is mainly common interests, it will not.

 

NC helped me tremendously. It helped me see the relationship clearly because if I had not gone NC I would never have recognized what a mess I was in-not saying this about your situation. I had no intention of returning to my ex but, I knew we couldn't be friends, as he had never been one in the relationship.

[Escargot]

Holly, yeah I am feeling self blame today. Maybe a good enough reason to not break NC today. I'm feeling really bad about how I went about saying what I did. But honestly, I said what I felt and pretty much everything was dead-on (though it was peppered with anger, and that's making me feel guilty).

 

PA....it's definitely his argument/crisis style, but never this bad. I've called it to his attention before and then I've been more direct, and he's usually ok at self correcting that behavior. Not stellar, but okay.

 

LN1987 and Hopelessincan - I agree, there's nothing wrong with wanting/needing to hear you're loved, in a LTR. Of course, don't ask if you don't want to hear the answer!

[Doofus]

I'd say break it, but do it by email. Don't do it by phone or in person. Don't send it until it looks OK to you when you read it in a 'good' moment.

[tresqua]

I read the advice accross the boards, and the typical scenario is that the dumpee initiates NC and waits for the dumper to call them.

 

Not sure what you mean by "typical scenario". Maybe that's something the dumpee tends to do, but it's not the appropriate way of handling being dumped and it's not the purpose of NC, which is to heal and get over the dumper, not sit there and "wait" for the dumper to call to take it back.

 

the final straw for me was that, when asked he couldn't say he loved me (then again, he had only said it once before, about 4 months prior, and only because I asked him).

 

You're trying to force something here, and in my opinion, it's just a freaking word, it can mean 10 different things to 10 different people,him being with you for 18 months means more than the words "I love you" which are thrown around like meaningless garbage by people who know each other only for a few weeks, and by people who have known each other for a 20 year marriage, while the one saying it has a secret lover on the side.

 

My friends say to wait it out NC, he'll come around and call me. And when he does I need to be nonchalant

 

You are playing games with this guy, dumping him and then preparing how to artificially handle him when and if he breaks the NC that you started by dumping him. You are being extremely manipulative, and basically giving him an ultimatum to get your needs met. I'm curious to see how that will work for you long term, I have my doubts.

[Escargot]

You are being extremely manipulative, and basically giving him an ultimatum to get your needs met.

 

Tresqua, you and I should just go ahead and agree to disagree on most issues.

 

Pretty much if my needs aren't going to be met, the relationship is over. I don't see that as being artificial or manipulative but rather expressing what it takes for me to stay. I can do without the L word if the behavior changes so he's contributing more in the relationship.

 

I don't agree that NC is an act of game playing. Yes, I see that I need time to cool down and get centered. My friends say I have been overaccommodating and I need to stop it and let him step up (break NC) for a change. So game playing no. But leveling the playing field yes.

[Doofus]

Escargot, My situation is a bit similar to yours in that I was the dumper, and would like to break NC. However, in my case, she, not I, was the one who requested it. So... I have to wait, although I would begin contact with her in a second if she said she was ready. I don't know that your ex feels like I do, he might though. This, by the way, is why NC is so freaking fraught. It sometimes only ensures that two people who might otherwise have a chance at reconciliation don't ever speak to each other again. Which sucks.

[Escargot]

This, by the way, is why NC is so freaking fraught. It sometimes only ensures that two people who might otherwise have a chance at reconciliation don't ever speak to each other again. Which sucks.

 

Yeah, this is the huge flaw in NC, isn't it? I never really called it No Contact to my ex. I just said I thought we needed to not talk for a while. And really, I was so wound up at that point, any further talking would just add fuel to the fire. But yeah, I do love this guy and if he's just willing to put more effort in the relationship, I'm willing to give it another go.

[tresqua]

Pretty much if my needs aren't going to be met, the relationship is over. I don't see that as being artificial or manipulative but rather expressing what it takes for me to stay.

 

I don't agree that NC is an act of game playing.

 

Expressing your needs and requirements to him is one thing. Breaking up with the guy and planning to break NC or wait for him to break NC and then act nonchalent in an attempt to get him to do as you request is manipulative and it just won't work.

[Escargot]

Expressing your needs and requirements to him is one thing. Breaking up with the guy and planning to break NC or wait for him to break NC and then act nonchalent in an attempt to get him to do as you request is manipulative and it just won't work.

 

My friends tell me to act nonchalant. Doesn't mean I'm going to do what they think. What works best for me is to try to be as open in communications as possible. However, my friends' suggestion on acting nonchalant is really more like I should act less accommodating and in that sense I agree 100%.

 

I didn't BU with him with intentions on giving him the cold shoulder NC-style and then manipulating him to my ways. I broke up because he wasn't meeting my needs, our conversations were spiraling into arguments, emotions were getting out of hand, and I saw (still see) my needs not being met as a deal breaker. I still disagree with your saying I'm being manipulative.

[tresqua]

Ok if there was no intent to deceive and the dumping wasn't done as part of some sort of stratetic move then there is no manipulation.